Readership: Men in relationships with women they value.
An abridged version of this article was previously published by the author on Return of Kings: What To Do When A Girl Tries To Make You Jealous (April 15, 2018).
The outline of the present article is as follows.
- Is Jealousy really Love?
- Why does she play the jealousy game?
- How a man should react.
- Specific Points and Plays.
- What to do when (she says) you failed her (idealistic) expectations.
- Dealing with Dating Sites.
- Dealing with Exes.
‘The Jealousy Game’ is a game that most women play at some point in a relationship, some more than others. The game works like this. She picks out another man, usually one she has at least a moderate degree of attraction towards, and she flirts with him, either by talking about him in an adoring fashion, or by displaying non-verbal cues of interest to that man while you are around (e.g. extended eye contact, warm smiling, touching her hair, neck or face, etc.). She chats him up in your presence, all the while expressing profuse admiration for his most mundane qualities.
If online, she exchanges a chain of messages, usually drenched with emoticons. She will turn up the volume on her notification alarms, filling the room with an annoying barrage of ‘dings’. She might even give out her contact information to that man, or tentatively arrange to meet up with him (again) sometime in the future. In short, she gives feral attention to another man, and that attention is of higher quality or quantity than what she normally gives to you.
All this fawning attention and time spent on this other guy, is done with the express purpose of making you feel intense jealousy. The kicker is that it is only right that you should feel jealous, because she is giving the kind of attention to another man, that she should only be giving to you.
It makes you think the Why question.
“She knows how to treat a man with respect and dignity. So why can’t she do that for me?”
2. Is Jealousy really Love?
The Jealousy Game is purported (by women) to be a test of ‘how much you love her’. So in her mind, if she can make you jealous somehow, then your jealousy is evidence that you ‘love’ her.
But smart men should not be deceived into believing this hamsterbated justification. When women use the word ‘Love’, it is usually a deceptive misnomer. Women generally do not understand what altruistic love is. They’re just playing games.
Here, it might help to discern the difference between jealousy and envy. Jealousy is when you feel a sense of injustice when someone else is getting something that rightfully belongs to you, whereas, envy is when you wish you had something that rightfully belongs to someone else. Jealousy can be a righteously justifiable emotion under certain circumstances, while envy is an embodiment of the sin of covetousness and sometimes lust as well.
Scripture states that love is not envious and never loses faith.
“4 Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; 5 does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; 6 does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” ~ 1st Corinthians 13:4-7 (NKJV)
Some translations, such as the NLT, substitute the word ‘jealous’ for ‘envious’. This could be misleading, because there is a fundamental difference between jealousy and envy. Jealousy is not necessarily wrong, and the Bible even states that God becomes jealous when his followers carelessly worship idols. (e.g. Exodus 34:12-16) So right now, you’re feeling what God feels.
Anyway, chances are, she doesn’t understand the difference between jealousy and envy, and making you jealous is certainly not a gesture of real love. If she is one of those rare reasonable women, then pointing out her behavior, and explaining that it is wrong, might get you somewhere. But if she is a typical woman in denial about everything, and you try to explain this to her, rest assured, you can expect an explosive reaction, because following an analogy to the passage in Exodus, you’re making her out to be an idolater!
3. Why Does She Play The Jealousy Game?
I want to tell you guys how it goes with women, so that you can have some hope and confidence about your predicament. I know these things from experience.
Whenever women are trying to make you feel jealous, they are feeling their own inadequacies, and getting the goad to growth. But they don’t want to do the hard work of improving themselves. They just want a fast and quick affirmation of their SMV to give their precious ego a little boost. (BTW, choosing false comfort over true courage is referred to as ‘spiritual adultery’ in the Bible.)
The Jealousy Game is actually a bomb loaded with several payoffs, all to her interest:
- It keeps the emotional interaction of the relationship at a visceral, feral level, which supercharges her appetite for drama.
- She hones her skill in exercising her feminine powers.
- She poses a test of your emotional obeisance (or lack thereof) to her feral power.
- She tests your frame, and gets to understand how you deal with her apparent ‘lack of self-control’ around potential rivals.
- She is ‘testing the limit’ to see what she can get away with.
- She compares you to the other guy, to see who stacks up better.
- She can put you on the defensive and watch you squirm, just for her own egotistical pleasure.
- She might harvest information from these encounters to use against you, or to stick you to the wall in a future argument.
- She explores and tests the interest in her from other guys, thus scoping out ‘greener fields’.
- She revises and refines her estimation of her own SMV.
- She indulges her fantasy of being one who is desired by men.
- She expands her social network.
No matter how the game plays out, she wins a prize. Even if nothing further develops between her and the other guy, the sheer pleasure of hijacking the attention of two men is a worthwhile consolation prize to her.
4. How A Man Should React
First of all, no matter what kind of problem comes up, just stay calm, think it through, and stay busy working on a solution. Things will turn out fine – with or without her.
It is going through the difficulty that increases one’s confidence to face similar difficulties, and yes, all these challenges certainly increase one’s faith.
But even after you establish a solid Frame, and step up your Game, you will still have aggravations from women. For example, my faith drives my wife batty. I am so cool and objective whenever a problem comes up, that she thinks I am clueless or lazy. So it might be helpful to accept the fact that she’s always going to dump a bit of crap, no matter what. Just recognize that it is her own sh!t, not yours. Now on to the topic at hand.
Chateau Heartiste’s post, Your Daily Game: Thot Training (January 21, 2018), covers the Jealousy Game situation. CH lists four possible reactions that a man might have when his girl plays the Jealousy Game, listed in ascending order of personal benefit and relationship management effectiveness:
- To get defensive, upset or angry
- To promptly try to make her jealous
- To tease her
- To ignore her
The first is to be avoided at all costs. The second option shows a modicum of awareness, as it compares to Dread Game, but if done as a reaction, it appears too obvious and comes off as childish in her eyes.
CH explains how the fourth option is the best response, because you don’t want to give her any satisfaction, or any feedback that might be interpreted as a sign of weakness. Ignoring her moves in the Jealousy Game is a test of your constitution and emotional control, which can be very challenging. (See CH’s post for more on this angle.)
But depending on the circumstances and the personalities involved, ignoring her behavior might appear like you are silently condoning the behavior, or that you are too weak to face up to it. You will know this is the case, if and when she slowly grows more aggressive and arrogant in her approaches to other men. In this case, teasing becomes the best option.
5. Specific Points and Plays
The main overriding strategy of teasing is to expose her mind, and reveal her to be a con artist of psychological escapism. Make her aware of how her notions are not realistic, and what she would lose from a mutiny.
Some common game tactics are useful to this end, including,
- Agree and Amplify
- Asking pointed, realistic questions
- Probing and dissecting her mind
Most importantly, you have to trust God to show her the sin of it, and to produce a repentance in her. Remaining calm and good humored is how you display your faith in God. If you can make her talk about her secret little false idol, then you might be able to extract a confession out of her, which would snap her out of her delusions, and resolve the situation.
But if you get upset and angry, if you beg and plead, if you try to force a repentance, then you’ll come off as butthurt, you’ll give her satisfaction, lose the game, and push her away.
So the most important thing to remember in teasing is to stay calm, be emotionally detached, and seemingly entertained by her antics. Whatever she is complaining about that drove her to make you jealous, just agree and amplify it to the point of mockery. Laughing at her is almost always a good move. Some guys might find that making funny faces might increase her annoyance to their advantage.
6. What To Do When (She Says) You Failed Her (Idealistic) Expectations
First, a word about women’s expectations. Women want the effervescent circus, to be childish, to have incessant fun, to be entertained, to show their ass (figuratively and literally) to who they want, how they want, and when they want… To not have to be introspective, to not have to consider consequences, to not be held accountable… In short, to remain ignorantly, blissfully immature. They actually expect this!
The point of it all is this, she wants to be lazy carefree, and rely on you to take up the slack, and she doesn’t want to worry about your reliability in doing so either. She wants to focus on the fun! The hard stuff is for you to deal with (so she thinks).
Now, women’s own inadequacies can easily get ensnarled with their hypergamous nature. As mentioned earlier, women tend to psychologically project their own inadequacies, and displace their anxieties onto you by sifting you, pushing your buttons, trying to get an emotional rise out of you, and testing your limit.
All women (and arguably all humans) have this nature, but a decent woman recognizes this proclivity to be a weakness, whereas a bad woman selfishly proclaims it as a right. For example, all the arguments and purposes behind modern feminism are seeking to preserve and perpetuate women’s (and gay’s) blissful immaturity. It is an idol.
Instead of her analyzing your ‘worthiness’, she should be reflecting on her own. It’s up to you to keep her introspective. The game tactics listed earlier all come into play at this point.
Stay cool and don’t give them any satisfaction on that. Keep her on her toes at all times. Don’t let laziness sink in, or else she will start taking it for granted, and you will lose control of the game.
Dread especially, is a gameplay that keeps them aware of the precariousness of life, and therefore humble and real. Just be careful about not laying it on too soon after she does.
Now let’s apply this knowledge towards teasing her, whenever she is trying to make you jealous.
For example, if she complains that you aren’t making enough money, and then flirts with Mr. Moneybags Morton, then ask her something like,
“How many of those millionaires are named Morton?”
Say the name sarcastically, smile casually, and laugh in a dismissive manner. Then drive it home by reframing it.
“Do you think (another handsome guy she flirts with) will ever be a millionaire, assuming he ever gets a job?”
“Maybe if you gave him a magic rubdown, he’ll get inspired (sarcasm), and then he’ll suddenly transform into a high-end lawyer in D.C.! But then of course, he would ditch you for a high-end hoe. Tsk, tsk, tsk… Why is life so frustrating?”
If she has ridiculed the size of your manhood, and has bragged about how she gets throbbing wet for big c0cks, then it might be better to ignore it. But if she keeps pressing the issue, then you could make it into a running joke. For example, occasionally make off-the-wall comments when she leasts expects it, insinuating that she is obsessed with the 19 cm. (7.5”) long, ding dong, donkey kong, katana that she uses for her hara kiri sex ritual – just long enough to reach her miniscule heart.
Be sure to say this in a calm manner, and smile. Don’t be angry, or else it will give her satisfaction.
7. Dealing with Dating Sites
Women who are into online dating sites (or even flirting on Facebook) are more into fantasy than reality. Here, she is fantasizing about the payoffs to the jealousy bomb mentioned earlier. So the main strategy in this case is to destroy her fairy tale and bring her back to reality. Teasing is advantageous towards this end as well.
So if your girlfriend/wife has made it known that she joined an online dating site, that’s pretty p!ss poor of her, but you can handle this little test. Just stay calm, keep busy doing your own thing, and watch her using your peripheral vision.
Whatever drove her to seek ‘luurve’ online, find out what it is that makes her hamster squeal. Is it any of the following?
- Attracting attention?
- Meeting new people?
- Getting ‘Likes’ (ego strokes) on social media?
- Receiving mail?
- Endless text messaging about nothing at all?
- Being risqué (posting skin-heavy photos)?
- Photos of hot guys with perfectly chiseled abs?
Try to identify what her little fetish is, and hone in on that with your Game strategy. Then talk about it in a ridiculous, dismissive manner. Agree and amplify it to the point of mockery.
“Are you getting a hundred messages a day now?”
“Oh, this one is the 19th handsome, CEO millionaire that has proposed a 10 minute marriage to you this week! You don’t saaay? And this one has a Bugatti with a matching pop-up camper and gun rack! Niiice!”
“Now I understand why you think I am so _____.” (Any adjective will do, so use the diabolical one she’s fond of calling you.)
“You really shouldn’t send him those 10-year-old high school photos. Your recent post-partum photos are much more attractive. MILF’s are sexy!”
“Is he taking too long to respond? Don’t worry about that. He’s probably busy cleaning up the mess on his keyboard. You know how kids are these days…”
By the way, getting her to talk about sex is not such a bad move, because she is talking about sex with you. It helps to create an association between sex and you, in her mind.
Another trick to bring her back to reality, is to ask her pointed questions.
“Has he sent the same dick pic to you that he sent to the last 41 women on Tinder (or whatever site she is on)?” (She remains silent.) “Not yet? You better ask him for one, to make sure he’s not a pencil-d!ck.”
You could even hope for an uncanny match that would blow her mind. For example,
“Is that _____? …that guy from (a city or community where you used to live)?” (Then lean in and look at his profile.) “Yeah! That’s him! Tell him I said hi! How’s his wife doing?”
The more informal the name, the more you’ll confuse her and throw her off. Remember that name and ask her about him again the next time she gets on the dating site.
Once she gets a few dick-pics and exchanges a few messages with the desperate dirtbags, she’ll realize how great she’s got it with you, and her guilt will kick in. That guilt, coupled with gratitude, and a sense of grace, is what will bring her back around. Give her the free choice to be obedient. Let God do the work of conviction, not you. This is the larger goal of teasing.
8. Dealing with Exes
Women who are talking and daydreaming about an ex, and who might even contact him periodically, are missing an emotional nuance that he was feeding her ego, which is probably one that you are not into so much. You’re also wrestling against her ingrained memories of his sexual charisma, which you may never be able to totally erase.
The main strategy in this case is to remove her ego fixation on those attributes by parceling them as trite and cute, but ultimately unsatisfying towards fulfilling a more sophisticated desire, which she presumably has developed with you. Teasing also works well to this end.
If she is actually contacting an ex, you could tease her by asking her personal questions. Don’t be afraid to dig into her on that, and be sure to make her ex look pathetic.
“So how many women has _____ banged since he last had yours? He’ll never settle down…”
“He messaged you first? He must be drunk again.”
“We know he only slept around because he was sooo heartbroken after losing you! Poor guy!”
“I forget now, were you his number 26, or 27, AFTER he came to (the city where they met), or is that just the number he told you?”
“Of course! He wanted to marry you, but he just couldn’t handle all your purple rubber vibrators (or whatever her fetish is)!”
“I know he’s got a pinky d!ck, because halfway in, it gets a lot tighter.”
You could also mock her sexual mannerisms. For example, if she makes certain faces or funny sounds while she is getting drilled, you can imitate these while saying a bogus name in a stuttering, choking voice.
“Ee-aww! Ee-aww!” (guttural gasp) “Ca-ree-ass! Ca-ree-ass!” (viz. ‘Chris’, in a falsetto voice)
The point here is to expose her desire for him on a conscious level, which can be dealt with, mocked and deposed.
Or you could sing a ridiculous love song with puns and his name inserted.
“Tiny bubbles… in the sea – men… tiny buttholes… make me feel haaappy… make me squirm all over…”
Some of these behaviors might seem hopelessly pathetic, but the point is, make yourself laugh. If you can make her laugh too, then you’ve won the Game.
Always remember to stay calm, cool, and confident, as an expression of your faith in God. Displaying this behavior is what proves to her that you are better than anyone else she could find.
Make sure you call out the thing that turns her on (or off) the most. Make her talk about it, if possible. You might be able to get her to confess it, which is necessary for a repentance to happen.
You need to know, when flirt comes to f*ck, is she in or out? You’ve got to press the issue and make her decide to either stay with you, or leave. Either way it turns out, you need to know the state of the union, and be at peace with that.
If she’s really into you, and just giving you a sh!t test, then she’ll humbly and silently make you a sandwich, fold your laundry, etc. with gratitude, after you expose her bluff.
But if she can actually talk about such things calmly and arrogantly, and add her own spin to it without some kind of confession taking place, then she is not just daydreaming about prince charming, she is talking reality. In this case, your relationship was over a millennium ago.
If she actually does jump into an affair, or leaves you, then she’s choosing sin over grace. In that case, there’s no goodness in her, and you’re better off without her. Dump the thot and move on. That’s tough advice to take, but it’s better to face the reality of it head on, and stay on top of your life, because life is too short to play the Jealousy Game.
- The Rational Male: Amused Mastery (September 14, 2012)
- Return of Kings (feat. Mark Ford): Jealousy Should Prompt Learning (August 4, 2013)
- The Private Man: The Basics-Agree and Amplify (February 4, 2015)
- Chateau Heartiste: The Reformed Male Feminist (January 22, 2018)
- Psychology Today (feat. Robert Burriss Ph.D.): Is Jealousy a Sign Your Partner is Likely to be Unfaithful? (February 1, 2018)