Σ Frame’s concept of authoritative love, and contrasting views on Marital Discipline and BDSM.
Readership: Mature audiences
Warhorn’s interview with Dalrock gave me the impression that the general public’s perception of the Red Pill sphere is all about BDSM. This characterization is hardly accurate, because there are some people who are into that, of course, but most are not.
I have written a lot about discipline in marriage, but I’ve never gone to the trouble to explicitly explain my views about how marital discipline is vastly different from BDSM.
I was wondering if I should give this point any attention in a post, when a fellow RP blogger asked me this question in a private message.
“When Warhorn mentioned followers of Dalrock who discussed “wife spanking” and spousal discipline, do you think they were referring to you?”
I took this question as a confirmation that I need to properly address this subject in a post. I replied,
“I am not sure. I haven’t found any comments that finger me out as a proponent of this. But I can see why they might. I think a lot of people associate the word “discipline” with BDSM, but I don’t use the word under that connotation…”
So I decided to write this post explaining the difference, and expounding my views on both. I also need to first explain a conceptualization of how to administer authoritative love, since this is important towards understanding the purposes of marital discipline.
A Simple Concept of Administering Authoritative Love
Very few individuals receive perfect love from their parents. Most people’s personal problems are thought to be a result of bad things that we get from our parents, usually because these bad habits and false notions about life are what introduce the most obvious headaches that we encounter, as well as anger and bitterness.
But the real problem is not that we struggle against these lies of omission and the resultant intrusive emotions. The thing that hurts us the most is that there was something good and important that we did not get from our parents. If we could only discover this missing piece, then the lies would become obvious, and would lose their grip on us.
So the challenge of getting our basic love needs satisfied (from people) lies in identifying the thing that we’re missing.
Love has a spectrum of constitutional elements that can exist in extremes. Figure 1 depicts a greatly simplified illustration that is sufficient to get my point across here. On one end is unconditional acceptance and favor, and on the other end is instruction and discipline.
For the person who had a lot of training and discipline, but failed to get unconditional love and favor during childhood, they grow up with the idea that they must always work, earn, and perform, just to receive a meager ration of acceptance, and to escape punishment.
Such a person may come to believe that any expression of love is not real love unless it’s unconditional. The problem is that unconditional love (from people) is very rare. As a consequence, this person would never feel loved by people.
On the other hand, the person who received a lot of unconditional favor and no discipline may grow up with a grandiose sense of liberty that is self-destructive. This person naturally wants to continue taking unconditional acceptance for granted, often from whomever happens to offer it, and will patently refuse to be disciplined.
These problems are compounded by the fact that people subconsciously prefer to stick with their longstanding habits of unbalanced love, and are often unaware of how far off the mark they stand.
For example, the person who never received unconditional acceptance will want to continue working, earning, and performing, if only for the security and benefits, even though they’re not getting any satisfaction from being accepted, nor the contentment of feeling loved.
Likewise, the person who never received any strong discipline will want to continue partying in their carefree, wasteful fun-house, even though they’re not obtaining anything of real, permanent value in their lives.
It is human nature for people to fly on auto-pilot, in which they simply continue in the ways most familiar to them. To do so, they often develop a multitude of coping mechanisms, and sometimes resort to toxic love (i.e. controlling and manipulative relationships), to offset the misery of the love they are missing.
Now let’s apply these concepts to the real world.
Most women in Western societies are bona fide princesses on a pedestal. They’re granted too much permissiveness, adoration and attention.
To make matters more complicated, this love and attention is not truly unconditional, but is merely bestowed on those who are blessed with those characteristics that the Socio-Sexual-Marriage Market Place (SSMMP) deems worthy. Most are not very well aware of it, but this brand of love is extremely conditional and superficial. Photoshopped Instagram shots, Farcebook likes, and the whole selfie culture enshrines feminine glorification to unsubstantiated heights. Virtual neighbors who are lucky will find out early that it’s all an illusion.
While most women are taking this fake acceptance and adoration for granted, most men are lurking at the other end of the fulcrum. They’re overburdened with the demands of performance, and feeling the brunt of the law, literally. The majority of men are either forced to conform to soyboy insolvency, go MGTOW, or else be left out in the cold. The end result is that women are drifting into Lay Lay Land, and men are giving up and checking out.
The bottom line here is that people are getting neither of the extremes of true love, and certainly not experiencing any grace either. But they’re living and thinking at the extremes.
I believe the missing piece of the equation is that men need to stand up to women and start delivering the disciplinary aspects of love (on the right in Figure 1). In other words, we must deliver what is missing, in order to achieve the balance. Of course, this is easier said than done, and it’s actually extremely risky. Most of the stuff I write about are thin mints I have sucked on to help me swallow the bitter taste of this endeavor.
I know I’m not alone in this. So if my posts can encourage any of my male (or female) readers, then it’s well worth all the time I spend in maintaining this blog. As a note of encouragement, I am changing how I deal with life and marriage, and I am seeing slow improvements over time. I wish the same for my readers.
My Views on Marital Discipline
I have been forced to address the issue of discipline in my own marriage, because my wife did not receive proper training or spiritual nurturing during her upbringing. To put it bluntly, she was the spoiled baby (youngest daughter) in a large, wealthy family of origin; one that had a very casual, take-it-or-leave-it approach towards religious matters of faith and personal development.
I believe a Christian husband should be the pastor of his family, so with a wife like this, I would consider myself to be irresponsible for her spiritual growth if I did not reign in her excesses and give her some tautological instruction.
I just see myself as a determined man who is not going to give in to the dictates of the merciless culture. By lickspittle luck and the grace of God, I’ll love my spoiled wife by boning up on proscribing boundaries and setting limitations on her behavior.
I love her enough that I’m not going to let her languish in a spurious, self-centered existence of spiritual immaturity any more than I can help it. Neither am I going to wait around for her to make any effort on this, because generally speaking, women are poor initiators (except for conflict).
So maybe now my readers can understand that when I write about “discipline in marriage”, it is concerned with completing the missing aspects of love, so that a balance can be obtained. (Please refer to Figure 1.)
To me, discipline means that I construct a standard of interaction that conforms most closely to what I believe God wants for our marriage. I teach it as a goal to aspire to, and I enforce it when necessary. At times, I also have to make it clear why God’s plan is best. To do this, I must constantly examine myself, my motives, and my emotions, and regulate the overall effect that I have on my marriage and family.
- If my wife is being selfish or disrespectful, then I should call her out on that.
- If she chooses to be emotionally abusive, controlling, and manipulative, then I need to pull out the Game tactics.
- If she falls into a furrow of laziness, then I need to come up with some way to inspire and motivate her.
- If she chooses to be good, then I cannot let her efforts go unrewarded somehow.
- If she chooses to be bad, then I have to let her know, in no uncertain terms, that her behavior is unacceptable and will not be tolerated.
It’s really all about applied Classical Conditioning and setting healthy boundaries. Contrary to what a permissively liberal culture teaches us to think, these boundaries actually provide a sense of security by creating a safe space for passionate love, vivacious life, authentic self-expression, personal growth, and spiritual renewal.
The bottom line is that I must never allow her to continuously do anything that would destroy the shalom of our marriage, our children, or our relationships to God. I see it as my responsibility to God as a man to keep my family on the straight and narrow.
Some feminists might think this is equivalent to “controlling”, but I am convinced that those who think this way have an unhealthy fear or hatred of masculine authority. As I’ve described above, real controlling behavior is intended to be a hack job to compensate for that which is missing, and to patch up a habit of lopsided, dysfunctional love, without doing the grunt work of getting down to the root issues. If a man is making an effort to balance out the love see-saw, there should be less manipulative behavior, not more.
Here is a short list of a few masculine qualities that draw my wife to me, and I believe these hold true for many women.
- Confidence – being able to tell her “No”, and explain why.
- Strength – being someone she can trust and depend on.
- Resolve – dealing patiently with all her headaches and $h!t tests, and sticking to a plan of action that I know will work out well for both of us.
- Detachment – not allowing myself to get spun into her web of fears, anxieties and insecurities.
Now on to BDSM, which is another matter entirely.
My Views on BDSM
Most readers will know that I’ve dedicated a number of posts to the topic of disciplining spiritually disobedient wives. I suppose these studies have earned me somewhat of a reputation as a medieval gestapo slave driver (viz. a demanding, zero tolerance husband). But those readers who come to my site looking for titillating BDSM literature are bound to be sorely disappointed. I’ve never had any commenters discuss “wife spanking” or any sort of physical punishment.
You see, I’m not really into BDSM. I’ve written a couple posts that are suggestive of BDSM, but only as a satirical examination of the subject. However, judging by at least one comment, I’m sure some readers have taken it to heart and were offended.
But now that I’ve explained the real nature and purpose of Marital Discipline, the very idea of BDSM should be a gaffe. To be honest, the whole idea of “wife spanking” seems like slapstick comedy to me. So it’s hard for me to take that seriously.
However, even though I myself am not sexually attuned to BDSM, I do know my wife loves to be handled roughly in bed. Holding her down, slapping her face and butt, yanking her hair, and drilling her brutally and without mercy during coitus really blasts her to the throes. After sessions like this, she becomes a gasping, quivering bun of hot dog loving affection for a couple days, during which time she is begging me for more every night.
So I do it for her, and for my marriage.
Maybe some hardcore, “whips and chains” BDSM proponents would not consider this BDSM, but it is for me. It took me a while to adjust to her sexual needs.
I also recognize that my wife is not an outlier. There are a significant number of people who attend the mule skinner’s funeral. I have no idea of knowing with certainty, but I’ll guess that about 20% of people like it rough and kinky. I think this is natural for those people, so I’m not about to label mild domination as degraded or perverted (that is, short of bleeding and branding).
But going beyond this (what I’ve just described about my wife) into hardcore BDSM seems rather grotesque in my opinion. Going to even further extremes, like flipping the roles to dominant-female/submissive-male, like Boxer examines in his post, Transgressive Subcontinental Paraphilia (March 10, 2019), is even more revolting. Anytime we see male ego flattened or exterminated, we are venturing into dark terrortory.
In several comments under a previous post, some readers discussed the Quivering Fool movement, and how spiritually abusive it has been. I have no experience with, or knowledge of QF, but judging from those readers’ comments, QF adherents are obviously lacking discernment and wisdom in handling their families, and have thereby missed the joys of family unity.
But the commenters make a good point about how people misunderstand defacto homographs (words that can have multiple interpretations) and talk past each other. (We saw some of this between Dalrock and Warhorn.)
I also believe people’s views on the subject of marital discipline are an extension of their own life experiences. The conditions of men’s marital lives can wholly explain their differences of opinion.
I know men who have very tight marriages, and others who live with marital stress day in and day out. From what I have seen, men who have a very warm, loving relationship with their wives, invariably have a wife who is contented, kindhearted, and respectful. Whereas, those guys who have a bitter relationship with their wives predictably have a moody, temperamental wife who likes to do her own thing, her own way, and argue about it with their husband every day.
The wife has a 70% responsibility for setting the emotional tone of the marriage. It’s not 50/50 like most people want to think.
Even so, a man should not be aimlessly capitulating to her every demand. He needs to have a clear vision for the family, and talk about it frequently. It’s better if she cooperates with his vision, but if she doesn’t, then of course, both of them are at a disadvantage.
Concerning how to handle contension in a marriage, I take a moderate view. For the most part, I think there’s not much a husband can do to get his wife to be more obedient to God in her dealings with him. Maybe prayer is the most effective recourse, and that strongly depends on how sophisticated a man’s prayer life might be. However, there are certain situations which demand immediate action, and women are not known to be initiators.
The final question is… Do I spank my wife?
No, not as a formal punishment. Dread Game is more effective under tortuous circumstances, like when she’s talking bull$h!t about getting a divorce. The trick is in eliciting her humility without pricking her pride.
However, there have been times when my wife was in a sour mood, and I gave her a firm but playful smack on the butt with a mockingly serious angry look on my face, saying, “You’re not allowed to be unhappy!” Some variation on this parody of being her “other” father always gets her to smile and lighten up.
I have a lot more to say about how to improve marriage, so I guess I’ll continue blogging.
- Spawny’s Space: Someone to blame (March 7, 2019)