A How-To guide for building masculine frame when being denied sex by your wife.
Readership: This post is a Christmas gift from Σ Frame to heterosexual married men everywhere!
Warning: This article contains sexually graphic content and obscene language. Reader discretion is advised.
Couples who choose to embark on the adventures of marriage have assumed the longitudinal goal of permanence. If a couple can stick it out for the first few years, then the marital satisfaction is likely to improve. But if not, then a dead bedroom spells the death knoll of the union.
Many married men are often faced with the challenge of having their sexual needs adequately serviced by the only woman morally eligible to do that job. This discomfiting situation is a very serious and urgent matter, because if she is unwilling or unable to satisfy for an extended period of time, then the marital bonding tends to break down, and the threshold of sexual temptation that the man is able to endure is decreased. I would even go so far as to say that a wife’s rejection or ridicule of her husband’s sexuality is one of the cruelest acts of fraud that a woman could possibly inflict on a man.
Also, wives who are discontent and unhaaappy with the sexual aspect of their marriages are at greater risk of infidelities. Despite any willingness to be committed to the union, women have an inherent difficulty in honoring their vows whenever their biological imperative argues strongly against it.
Seeing how sexual intercourse comprises so many forms of bonding, including the spiritual covenant, soul ties, emotional attachment, memories, as well as being a continual source of passionate desire for the other person, it is not difficult to believe that the sexual relationship is the one area in which the battle for the marriage will be either won or lost.
From my own personal experience, I have noticed that if the sex is frequent and satisfying, then I can handle any kind of bad attitude or $h!t test from my wife. But if the sex is shameful or non-existent for weeks on end, then I can’t even tolerate seeing her around.
Obviously, I have also struggled with this same problem, so my marriage has been no different from most in this respect. However, I suppose I have been blessed, seeing how I can write this report.
I need to add that I am NOT a professional counselor, but nevertheless, I believe my findings can help other married men, and so I post them here.
There is quite a bit of theory behind this experiment. So I’ll list some relevant sources to help bring the reader up to speed, and then I’ll briefly describe the concepts therein. Of note, posts 2-4 describe an advanced study combining a few scientific findings which form the backbone of the present essay.
- Biblical Gender Roles: How to confront your wife for denying you sex (ca. 2014)
- Sigma Frame: Conflict Structure and Marital Satisfaction (November 15, 2017)
- Sigma Frame: Disciplined, Submissive, Happy Wives (February 15, 2018)
- Sigma Frame: How To Get A Better Response From Your Girl (February 27, 2018)
- Saving Eve: How to find your purpose (October 26, 2018)
- Doing Marriage Right: Good Post By JT About Finding Your Mission (October 26, 2018)
The first article from BGR outlines the basic steps a Christian husband should take in dealing with this situation. This should not be neglected, because it’s necessary to have God at your back. Diligent prayer and fasting over the matter will certainly improve the learning curve.
The second post listed above introduces how conflict structure can be managed to create marital satisfaction. In this model, one person is the initiator of a conflict, and the other person is the respondent. The person who brings up an issue and asks for a change is labeled as the one who demands. The wife, according to the structure, is required to respond somehow. Applying this wisdom to the present issue of increasing sexual intimacy, the husband is demanding sex, or better sex, and the wife is the respondent.
One of the conclusions of this study was that a husband should always be making more ‘demands’ on a wife, than the other way around, because when the husband does the majority of the demanding, it tends to result in a more positive and enjoyable relationship, over time. This effect was shown by Dr. John Gottman to be true, and when I applied this technique to my own marriage, it had a similar, positive effect. My own experiment with this technique is covered in the third post, Disciplined, Submissive, Happy Wives (February 15, 2018).
The fourth article covers the game aspect of making “bids” for positive attention, and upping the ante of your bid. The essential goal of making a bid is to get the other person to express an acknowledgment of your persona, and to interact with you in a way that expresses love and affirmation. If you can get the other person to do more for you, then it has the psychological and emotional effect of making her justify her actions mentally, and thereby grow to feel more emotionally in tune with you – and we know that the Feeelz are very important to women. Basically, the more they do for you, the more they will love you. So the larger goal of making bids and playing social games, is to drive up your ‘bidding price’, which entails her making ever larger emotional investments in you and your relationship.
Following this dynamic, the bidding interaction is then combined with the conflict structure described in the second post, such that the husband is demanding better responses to his bids. This whole dynamic is what I will refer to as “Pushing the Line”.
The present study of eliciting better sexual enthusiasm from the wife is an extension of Pushing the Line, applied to the special case of encouraging a better response of the wife to the husband’s approaches towards sexual intimacy. One simplistic way to think about this, is that the husband is teaching his wife how to open up and express more passion in the bedroom.
The fifth post from J. T. Anderson strengthens a man’s frame in dealing with this situation, and in the sixth post, M. J. Davis offers his own account of how he successfully dealt with this problem.
If a man is seriously considering using the methods described in the present article to improve his own marriage and sex life, then I would strongly encourage a thorough study of these six posts listed above.
Now, I’ll get on to my own experience using this method to improve my own sex life.
Identification of the Problem
My wife gets into these moods when she has no desire for sexual relations. I’ve asked her about this before, and she likes to blame me, saying that I wasn’t “putting her in the mood”. But I saw through that line. The truth is that the Tingles have waned because of the daily humdrum routine of life, and she’s too proud to express her sexual needs at those times. She also gets angry very easily, which further inflates her ego, and deflates her libido. I would guess that the majority of women are similar to my wife.
The first week of October (2018), the planets were in alignment (she was in a good mood), so I took advantage of the situation by pressing her for sex every day. Of course, she enjoyed that for the most part. But after five days of this, Mercury and Mars were off more than 5 degrees, and Venus fell from visibility * (her mood took a swing south). With her in a bad mood, batter boy went to the dugout for the next two weeks. During this time, her attitude was despicable. She never had a shortage of things to complain and get angry about.
One of her most common complaints was about how I wasn’t helping with the house chores as much as she would have liked. I’ve been through this before with her. No matter how much cleaning I do, it’s never enough, or I didn’t do it her way. God knows the house is never entirely microscopically clean, and I’ve made my peace with the Lord about that. I knew her anger wasn’t at all about having a clean house. She was pressing my resolve by asserting herself through the expression of her own anxieties and frustrations. It’s the feral nature of women.
I did approach her for sex a couple times over this span, but her reaction was so caustic and bitter, that I decided to accept her rejection for the time being. I don’t care to have sex with someone who doesn’t want to have sex with me.
After two weeks, she was getting weaker with desire and her need for affection, but she still wouldn’t swallow her pride.
Then one day, we had a big argument and she went to bed angry. I needed some time to calm down before I could fall asleep, so I went to bed a couple hours later. After I settled into bed, she rolled over and presented her bare butt to me without a word spoken. I ignored her until she started rubbing her butt against my hip. Finally, I couldn’t restrain myself any longer, and I gave her what we both wanted.
Afterwards, while I was lying on top of her, I saw that she still had an angry face, and she wouldn’t look me in the eye. After I saw that she still refused to relent, I gave her a hard, judgmental glare that set her off again. She exclaimed,
“I gave you my body, and you are still not grateful! Why should I have sex with you?”
I replied in a nonchalant verbiage,
“You may have given me your body, but you aren’t giving me your heart! Sex is meaningless without some enthusiasm. I want to see your passion!”
[Eds. note: This is my demand for a better sex life. Now she has to respond.]
Through these words, I was basically calling her a whore, and I believe that’s how she took it. She went absolutely ballistic! She started shouting and cursing me. She threw small objects at me. She punched me in the chest a few times. She said she wished she never married me, among many other profane statements.
After a few minutes of this, I told her in a calm but firm voice,
“You need to stop acting like an 8 year old brat!”
Then I walked out the door, and I left the house for a few hours.
During the day, I had some pleasant conversations with friends and neighbors, and this lifted my spirits a lot. I made sure she saw me, to make the point that there’s more to my life than doing housework with an angry woman.
The next day, she continued to be very angry and cold. She gave me hard looks at every opportunity, and didn’t say anything at all… and this lasted all day. Nevertheless, I ignored her bad attitude completely, and talked pleasantly to her, even though she never responded to my overtures.
[So far, her response doesn’t look appealing. But just wait… It’s coming!]
The next morning (Wednesday, October 24th, 2018), I woke up to find her hugging my thighs, while kissing and stroking my bird. I pushed her aside with the excuse that I needed to pee (which was true). But instead of returning to bed as I imagined she expected, I made coffee and oatmeal. I intended to let her desire for me grow for a little longer.
Later, she got up and joined me for breakfast, and she seemed a little confused about my behavior. I kept the talk light, and said nothing about the past conflict. After that, she was in a very good mood.
Later in the day, after we had a few laughs together, I gave her a serious, but warmly honest lecture. It went something like this.
“About our argument a couple days ago… I didn’t get married to clean the house. I didn’t get married to have a perfunctory cook. No, I got married to ℱ@ck your pu$$y everyday!** You love getting ₣@cked, and you need it as much as I do. You know it’s like that, and you accepted the deal. Now, you’re going to get ╒@cked, no matter whether the house is clean or dirty.”
When she gave me no response, I assumed that she was open to my message. So I continued in a calm but firm tone, with a detached, philosophical feel, almost like a schoolteacher’s lecture. I believe the power structure conveyed through this attitude would encourage her to assume agency, and take responsibility for her performance.
[Eds. note: Here, I am reinstating my demand through a verbal illustration of a glorified sexual experience with me. By doing this, I am attempting to get her mind on the same wavelength as mine.]
“You know, having more sex will make our life much happier. So why not do it? Just imagine how great it can be! You can suck ©ck every day… [with a longing voice] You can ℱ@ck this ©ck. [with a mock angry face] You can swim in the jismo… [with a passionate voice] Everyday, if you want to, and I know you do. You’re going to love it! You’re going to come every day, and you will be sooo grateful! [with a sigh and an expression of deep satisfaction]”
After I saw that I had touched her heart (she had doe eyes, and her mouth was gaping open), I firmed up my delivery.
“So… ₣©ck with a mind blowing frenzy in wild abandon, or else you’re not really living. Start living, or start dying. This is your life. You can ╒©ck the h€£L out of this ₣-ing ©ck, or you can get the h€£L out. There’s a lot of other women who would love to have the life you have!”
[Eds. note: I am reinforcing my demand here.]
Basically, my message was simple. Two week stretches of abstinence is unacceptable. Duty sex is unacceptable. Nothing short of ℱ@cking like it will save your soul is going to be tolerated. Live it up with hubby!
The language might seem crass, and doubtless it would be if uttered outside a committed relationship. But within marriage, the message comes across to her as one of ardent soul purpose, and a caddishly authoritative affirmation that she is urgently desired. This knowledge is critically important to a woman, especially after marriage, and even more so as she ages.
In spite of the language, I believe that the underlying message of expressing a whole-hearted desire extends a great deal of honor to the wife, just as the Bible instructs of husbands. The vast majority of women want to be desired, and they get turned on when they feel desired by a man. I am not waiting around until she tells me so, but I believe that she really felt more honored and valued on a visceral level. This visceral affect is crucial, because you cannot negotiate genuine desire.
Instead of resorting to cognitive reasoning, the more emotional inflection and dramatic expression you can summon, the more you’ll draw her in. Remember, women need the Feeelz to Tingulate, so it helps to become an actor with flair.
In the two months since this incident occurred, she’s been much more animated and happy. She cooks and cleans house on her own initiative, and I am content to help her as a shared enterprise to build bonding.
She has chided me much less frequently about leaving coffee stains on the countertop, or crumbs on the table after eating. When she does, she is a lot more casual, pleasant, and respectful about it. This has progressed to the point that I’m now able to leave spots and crumbs as a practical joke, and have it be received as such. One of her favorites was when I spelled “I ♥ U!” on the kitchen floor tile with coffee grounds and little pieces of dry garbage. She was fuming angry for a moment before she noticed the letters, and then she burst into tears.
In the days and weeks since late October, she gradually loosened up in the bedroom. She became quicker on the trigger, and drastically more animated and anticipatory. She also, for the first time since I could remember, started laughing during sex. Another new habit she has shown is biting. I’m still getting used to this one.
Best of all, she’s been giving me smiling tittie shows and cuddly invitations to the shower or bedroom – every day!
Sometimes I’m so tired, I wish I hadn’t pushed it!
The present study is an extension of Pushing the Line, applied to the special case of encouraging a better response of the wife to the husband’s approaches towards sexual intimacy.
By setting a higher standard of bedroom performance, and not accepting anything less, a wife who is sexually anxious and resistant can be taught to develop a new, positive attitude towards sexual relations.
Moreover, improving the sexual interaction just might save your whole marriage.
In my own experience, I was impressed by the efficacy of Pushing the Line towards moistening the bedroom pound cake. Within six weeks, using the above techniques had a significant impact on my own marriage.
Here are some things to keep in mind during the process of making demands.
- Be adamant about demanding a more whole-hearted and eager performance from her. Be specific about what you want, and what you expect.
- Express your desire for her, but be authoritative about it. Command her response with confidence. Don’t whine, pedestalize, or be a beggar.
- When interacting with her, play up your enthusiasm by exaggerating the intonation of your voice and facial expressions. It might feel stupid (at first), but it will register with her need for drama, leading to a big awesome sploosh!
- It takes kindness and patience at certain times, and a firm, ZFG insistence at others. The man needs the discernment to know which attitude is appropriate at which times.
- The man needs to exercise a lot of self-discipline, self-control, and Frame control to transform the sexual charisma of his marriage. This is perhaps the biggest challenge for a man struggling with a dead bedroom.
- Self-awareness, introspection, and regular prayer will offer immense help for those readers who might seek to apply these methods to solve their own frustrations.
Again, I am NOT a professional in this arena, so this information should not be taken as the married man’s sexual gospel. (But it probably will be for many men.) I acknowledge that every marriage is different, and what has worked for me may not work for every man. Some other men may need to continue with this approach for a longer time, until she notices that he’s grown some balls worthy of going down on.
I suspect that there may be some other factors which have contributed to my success, which I am yet unaware of, or have not recognized as significant. So, I eagerly anticipate feedback, positive or negative, from anyone who takes the effort to study these materials and applies it somehow to his marriage. Insightful comments are also welcome from Christian wives.
* As a Christian, I don’t really believe that astronomy has any influence on my love life. But this was an odd coincidence worthy of a comical quip.
** “In order to have sex” is not a good reason to marry, but since I am already married, giving this reason can be effected towards spinning her hamster in a more positive direction. This works because women ‘hear’ the sentiment of being desired.