Who is responsible for her happiness? Who is responsible for your own?
Readership: Men in intimate heterosexual relationships
Women have an annoying habit of expressing emotionally laden sentiments carrying the effect of,
“My Unhappiness Is Your Fault!”
And how can you respond to that? Is it true, or is it hamsterbation?
This is a question that has received only vague, intermittent attention from the pulpit and the Manosphere. Instead, most of the attention has been placed on the question of how to make a woman happy.
[Eds. Note: Har har har! A foolish question indeed! A woman’s happiness is implicit. She’s either happy, or she is not. There is not much you can do to make her happy, but there is a lot you can do to p!ss her off! But fortunately, (and if a man has the stomach to tolerate a lot of drama), he can pour on the unhappiness until she snaps out of it and embraces her own happiness. This is also the same iconoclastic masculine approach that attracts the calumniation of Feminists, probably because it is ego shattering (for her), and it works. BTW, if you take this approach, she might not stick around after she finds her own happiness.]
“Actually, the wretch [Pastor Wilson] is sort of right, although in a very different way than he would like to be. Every reasonable man will tell you that worshiping your wife is a way to make her miserable, not the way to make her happy. And so if you listen to both of Wilson’s pieces of advice – don’t worship her and make her happy, it might work. Just don’t listen to his advice on how to make her happy. As for the theological mambo-jumbo he tries to wrap his crap in, I’m kind of surprised the women don’t get mad about his message: if the woman’s happiness is dependent on the acting’s of their husbands being endowed with the divine unhappiness, it implies inevitably that women are mere tools of God’s corrective force for the benefit of men and thus have less free will than men and thus are logically inferiour to men.”
Those are some deep ramblings. (I’ll conclusively address the issue of Women’s Agency eventually.) Lately, we find a lot of men, like Nitpic, reacting to the implicit treachery in the pulpit by questioning the meaning of it all, and what is actually right. But Nitpic is nitpicking at a deeper truth, which is that husbands and wives do have a considerable influence on each other. It happens to be more complicated than what Pastor Wilson or even Dalrock are hinting at.
First, we should make a distinction between genuine unhappiness as an emotional expression of unfulfilled desires, and the common, low grade, impertinent b!tchiness that accompanies selfish, spoiled, immaturity. A lot of women are quite happy being b!tchy, but they say that they are unhappy in order to power play a guilt trip on the man. We are talking about the former here. Women of both varieties might say the same thing, that they are ‘unhappy’, so it remains up to the reader to discern which description is applicable.
Also, there is another issue of a man not being able to contribute to a woman’s happiness (i.e. ‘No Contribution’ in the figure below), as opposed to being able to contribute to her happiness, and not as opposed to contributing towards her unhappiness. (This distinction should be made evident by the figure below.) This is a complicated topic (that is unique to each man) which I’ll not get into here.
In the analysis, there are several possibilities and consequences that could be present.
- If both the male/husband and female/wife are happy and content with the relationship, then they’re obviously mature enough to handle the responsibilities of marriage, and they have also discovered the secret of maintaining a good relationship.
- If either the male/husband or female/wife is not happy, it COULD be an indicator that the other partner is a selfish, immature lout, and is failing to fulfill their marital duties to their spouse, similar to what Pastor Wilson describes. But Pastor Wilson neglects to mention that the female could be contributing to the unhappiness, as well as the male. He also doesn’t mention that there are other possible causes.
- Pastor Wilson overlooks the fact that the unhappy partner could be that way because of THEIR OWN lousy spiritual condition, their OWN sinful past, their OWN sinful beliefs, and their OWN sinful choices. Of course, the poor spiritual state of one partner would tend to drag the other person down as well. This assessment is more in line with Biblical precepts.
- It is quite possible for both partners to be well-adjusted, spiritually mature people, but yet feel very unhappy and discontented with their relational/marital experience for any number of reasons. Some of the more common causes include such things as conflicting values, incompatible personalities, different love languages (a short, explanatory video), different sexual blueprints (see DSR’s podcast interview with Jaiya), and unequal sex drives.
- In addition to these conflicts of personality and interests, we must not neglect to recognize that Satan specifically targets sexuality and marriage with a vengeance. Mr. Lucifer S. Satan seeks to aggrandize these implicit conflicts in order to achieve his own treacherous ends.
Concerning the effects of gender, it is fairly well known that the wife has much more influence than the husband towards creating happiness in a marriage. For more on this, please bookmark this excellent but lengthy article from Biblical Gender Roles: Why Unity In Marriage Has More To Do With The Wife Than The Husband (November 23, 2016). [Eds. note: If SF says it’s lengthy, then you’ll need to bring your razor and toothbrush.]
Because of this dynamic, it may be more accurate to use the husband’s happiness as an indicator of his wife’s spiritual maturity, and less accurate to trust the converse proposition as an indicator of the husband’s worth. (Sorry Pastor Wilson!)
So whenever she says,
“My unhappiness is your fault!”
There is one of the following going on.
- She is actually pretty happy (being a b!tch), and she is just giving you a sh!t test. You might consider flipping the table on her, by teaching her an alternative vehicle of happiness through discipline. If you’re lucky, you’ll wean her off of the BT.
- She enjoys the drama of putting you on the spot, and watching you jump through her hoops, all for the pleasure of her selfish entertainment. In this case, don’t admit her argument.
- Her statement is an instance of psychological projection, which is a deception of perception.
“…people mistakenly believe that the traits they Project onto others, are really the true characteristics of others. Or in other words, people who are constantly dishing out a heavy dose of Projection are in a state of denial. They are denying that those traits are truly their own, and not those of the person being addressed.”
In any case, she either claims or believes that you are creating misery, but in fact, she is the one creating misery for you. Thus, it may very well be that the truth is this…
“Your unhappiness is my fault!”
But a woman who has the clarity to comprehend this is not so likely to convey this same sentiment. (Although men will dream all day long of hearing this statement from their woman, as she remorsefully works at her evening tongue job.) Thus, if this statement is ever encountered, it may be taken as a virtue signal of questionable intent.
So whenever she hides behind this mask of ‘unhappiness’, give her something to be happy about, such as a witty neg (with a smile), or a playful smack on the derriere. Let a fun interaction displace her mind’s focus from her claimed unhappiness. Forming a good interactional habit of making love fun will wean her off of a poor habit of self-centered self-pity. This is how her general happiness can be enhanced by your presence.
Although we are quite familiar with how a woman can destroy a man’s happiness (quite easily anymore), a man should not be expecting his woman to create his happiness either. A man needs to find a way to be happy with the decisions he makes in life. Hence, he can be happy that he chose a particular woman (or not), and that he has certain fundamental needs met through her. He could also be happy about investing in her spiritual growth, and seeing her grow and become more worthy of the love she receives. But he shouldn’t be fooled into thinking that his own happiness emanates from her inner being. In other words, if she is happy, then it will be easier for him to enjoy his own happiness, but if she is not happy, then he should still be happy.
For more on this angle, please see the following posts.
- Illimitable Men: How to be Happy (October 22, 2015)
- The Red Pill Forum: How to become happy – Male, Female differences (May 11, 2016)
- Reddit/The Red Pill: A Red Pill World Is A Happy One (March 31, 2017)
- Deb Blum: If You’re Blaming Him for Your Unhappiness, You’re Not Ready to Leave (ca. 2014)
- Sigma Frame: Happy Wife, Happy Life (October 20, 2017)
- Psychology Today (feat. Meg Selig): 10 Ways You Are Causing Your Own Unhappiness (January 24, 2017)
- Adam Piggott: The Strange and Dangerous Cult of Happiness (November 4, 2018)