Establishing Feedback Loops that capture her Ego Investment.
Readership: Men; Men in relationships;
Theme: Overcoming Obstacles
Length: 2,550 words
Reading Time: 9 minutes
Because so few enter into marriage with zero sexual experience, the longitudinal result is that couples experience a generally poor quality of sanctification in marriage, or perhaps none at all. Men lament the absence of heartfelt bonding and experience ennui. Wives complain about the dearth of “good men” and hold their husbands at arm’s length, emotionally and physically. Readers may be consternated to see this behavior in their own girlfriends or wives, and then horrified upon realizing that we are experiencing the consequences of sexual sins from long ago. We might even see this malaise in our sons’ and daughters’ relationships and wonder what we might have done wrong in their upbringing. Christian men may simply regard it as a manifestation of the Curse of Eve (perhaps rightly so).
Single men are not exempt either. For example, LastMod shared a story about an incident he had with the Cubicle Office Princess™ (COP) in which there was a generalized disaffection.
This post and the next will explore a potential remedy to this malady. To stratify the readers’ comprehension, I’ll discuss answers to the following questions that were brought up in a previous post, Women have sex to influence men (2021-11-10), and offer some motivational insights.
- Why do women withdraw or reject a man when they feel like they are NOT in control of their feelings (even when they are feeling the Tingles)?
- Why do the woman’s feelings (and interest in sex) depend on her ego investment and not so much what the man does?
- In the interest of married men getting more sex from their wives, how can husbands get an ego investment out of their wives?
Certain aspects of this discussion are not limited to marital relations, but may extend to dealing with the COPs and raising and shaping daughters too.
1. Why do women withdraw when they feel like they are NOT in control?
Psychology offers a rather simple answer to this question. Human beings have a psychological need for relationships to be formed and developed within a volitional context — of their own choice and free will.
Having the ability to choose creates the psychological impression that one is in control (even if it is only an illusion), but this is only true as long as one’s internal motivations (e.g. conviction, desires, wants, needs, etc.) are able to inform and direct one’s will. It is a spiritual truth that when humans are forced to act against their wills, it has a deadening effect on their souls. This is partly why those who have worn themselves out on the carousel find married life to be so taxing. Their passions have been spent and heartfelt desire is absent, so they must rely entirely on willpower to engage with a spouse who fails to inspire their internal motivations.
Furthermore, managing one’s internal motivations, such as the will and desire itself, is difficult because these are not usually things that can be very well controlled, even by one’s own self. This is because human willpower is dependent on glucose levels in the brain, and is therefore limited in supply. One cannot very well use one’s willpower to counteract one’s own nature, and if it is done, it is short lived, frustrating, thorougly depleting, and often followed by remorse. Such is a life of living under the constraints of the Law.
However, there is one desire fundamental to human nature that can be broadly employed, and that is the desire to gain satisfaction from a volitional ego investment. As long as a person has a healthy ego, it will continue to function under the power and direction of it’s own essence (the heart and soul). Inserting one’s heart and soul into the NOW is the beginning of spiritual awakening and the first step towards a life characterized by living after the Spirit.
Case Study 1 — Falling in Love is an Ego Investment
In common parlance, ego investment is what we are referring to when we say that a girl gets “hooked on” a guy. He has something she desires, needs, or wants. She is drawn in and makes an ego investment in the relationship, but she has not yet gained the satisfaction on that investment. As a result, she feels humbled (colloquially described as “being in love”). Her mind then dwells on this unresolved situation, and she keeps coming back to talk with or hit on that guy — and she will do so until she can get a sense of ego fulfillment from her investment, or else, some other sort of feedback that would confirm that fulfillment will not be forthcoming.
This dynamic is often emphasized in PUA circles because it puts the man in control of the interaction. Not granting her a sense of ego satisfaction or control is what “nice guys” call “being a jerk”. The state of hope that accompanies her being humbled and not being granted a sense of ego satisfaction or control is what PUAs call “maintaining sexual tension”.
Since this is a Christian blog, here I want to point out a few more things:
- If the dynamic culminates in illicit sex, then this usually destroys the dynamic of humility and hope because the emotional investment has been satisfied. Then other issues begin to appear on the radar according to Pareto Dominance  and Nash Ascendancy . IOW, Rollo’s Cardinal Rule of Sexual Strategies remains in play.
- If illicit sex does not fluke the relationship, then there is either (a) something other than sex that undergirds the internal motivation, or else, (b) the other issues can be successfully navigated and negotiated resulting in a Pareto Optimal Nash Equilibrium [3,4,5].
- The humility, interest, and tension resulting from this are not limited to sexual desire. It can also extend to any ego investment that is motivated by an internal motivation.
- A situation is called Pareto Dominated if there exists a possible Pareto improvement.
- Nash Ascendancy occurs when agents choose an optimal individual strategy, independent of the opponent’s interests, and then one agent’s strategy becomes dominant.
- A situation is called Pareto optimal or Pareto efficient if no change could lead to improved satisfaction for some agent without some other agent losing or if there is no scope for further Pareto improvement.
- Nash Equilibrium is the optimal solution in which each agent lacks any incentive to change his/her initial strategy.
- Due to the statistical rarity of many fundamental isues all coming together, it makes sense to say that a man who enters into marriage this way does so by the grace of God.
Case Study 2 — Always offer a Choice
As a parent of two children, I’ve discovered a very helpful technique in getting kids to do things and/or do things properly, and that is to always offer them a choice.
For example, if I told one of them, “Clean your room!”, then there would ensue an afternoon of discomfiture and delay filled with excuses, complaining, and crying, and the room would never be properly cleaned. But if I said, “You can either clean your own rooms by yourself, or else you can help your sister clean the whole house.” Rest assured, one of the two options would be done within a very short time, and done rather well. If I play music and throw in some cookies (add motivation), they might even enjoy it!
Offering a choice makes the difference between being domineering and being dominant.
2. Why do the woman’s feelings (and interest in sex) depend on her ego investment?
Short Answer: Ego investment and getting feedback ARE what women call the feeelz. Whenever women talk about their feeelings, they’re talking about the status of their ego investment and how the feedback they’re getting affects that ego investment. Men can either see this as an annoyance, or else they can use this information to identify things that would motivate her.
To expand on this point, consider what Red Pill Apostle said in reporting an argument he had with his wife — an argument which arose when she felt like she was not being heard by him. (Click here to read the full report.)
“This brought us to the parallels of her feelings with the thought experiment from Jesus in Matthew 21:28-32. In it, the son who initially doesn’t comply with the father’s instruction but who then later complies is good, and the son who says he’ll comply but then doesn’t is in the wrong. Mrs. Apostle’s heels dug in and it was more important for her to feel like I considered her viewpoint than to actually consider it.”
Mrs. Apostle was angry because instead of kindly giving her ego a way to tap into the decision-making process, he rebuffed her ego and criticized her overall noncompliance with his decision. (Note to wives: If you want your man to become this way, all you have to do is deny him sex for an extended period of time. Yes, that’s right! Women can also either inspire or deplete the motivations of their husbands too!)
If we apply the Christ : Church :: Husband : Wife analogy to two theoretical types of wives standing in for the parable of the two sons cited by RPA, the difference between these two types of women is that the first is pursuing a heart-led engagement in life and is wrestling with how her ego can fit in and adapt, while the second is living in the vanity of her mind. She knows what is right, but she won’t do it because there is no immediate ego reward. Action is necessary to enact the will and stake an investment of one’s heart and soul.
As can be seen in RPA’s last sentence, having an ego investment in the decision/relationship/etc. is, for women, more important than feelings of attention, love, security, etc. (I think this is true for men too, but it’s not as important as pu$$y. After all, men’s “love language” is sex, and a man feels loved and respected most acutely when she actively nurtures and supports his ego in the bedroom. This is a fundamental motivation for men that good wives would never neglect.)
Whenever a man hears his wife say something like, “I’m just not in the mood right now”, chances are, she doesn’t have a genuine interest or ego investment in the task at hand. This holds true in all practical situations, whether it be fully engaging in a conversation, being willing and eager to engage in sexual relations, or disciplining the children in a way that would be conducive to the children’s growth, and not just venting her own anger. Good wives understand the social and spiritual importance of being emotionally involved and invested, and so whenever they’re “not in the mood”, they will do the emotion work necessary to engage from the heart anyway. Her effort in this area is a motivating inspiration to the entire family, and is one of the more important ways that a wife glorifies God in the home.
So in conclusion, we see that a woman’s volitional will to be obedient to God’s order and submit to her husband must arise from an ego investment of heart and soul. IOW, she has to want to get involved for her own satisfaction, especially the satisfaction of providing satisfaction to her husband, family, and community, which is how women please the Lord. Otherwise, she’ll feeel like she’s being controlled/manipulated/etc., no matter whether she actually is or not.
Likewise, Men must utilize their own volitional will to be obedient to God’s order and submit to the Lord’s directives for his life. He must invest his heart and soul into his mission, his work, and his family. The difference between extolling charisma and being a dancing monkey is whether a man puts his heart and soul into the displayed investment. IOW, he has to want to get involved, not so much for the often times elusive satisfaction of others, but more for his own satisfaction, especially the satisfaction of providing satisfaction to the Lord. Otherwise, he’ll feel like he’s an automaton who’s sitting on the sidelines of life, and just going through the motions.
3. How can men get an ego investment from their wives?
It’s important for the man to get an ego investment from his girl because this is a major piece of what keeps her locked into the relationship with him. This is where “compatibility” (i.e. shared values and purposes) becomes a major issue as having a good fit to begin with is the quick and easy way to arrive at a Pareto Optimal Nash Equilibrium (TITS, the “win-win” outcome for the game minded, and “contentment and sanctification” for the spiritually minded).
Σ Frame Axiom 15: A Woman’s Trust is a Tempestuous Storm in which a man must do his best to keep his ego afloat.
In the previous post mentioned in the Introduction, I briefly described one solution to the third question.
“[Husbands can] maintain a balance between her level of challenge and her level of skill, which allows her to attain a state of Flow in the interaction. Flow is important for building confidence, faith, and skill. When all this is firmly established, and her faith in the relationship is growing, then the man can begin to exercise more direct demands over her behavior in the relationship. In the best case scenario, feelings of love, humility, and pair bonding would also develop.”
A lot of readers may be unfamiliar with the concept of Flow, so I’ll elaborate upon this in the next post.
In the past, Red Pill literature has usually addressed the problem of how to create genuine attraction, or “getting her to like you”. But as we know, this only works out for those top 20% men who have the potential for creating attraction in the first place. The way this approach usually plays out for the average man is essentially gynocentric Blue Pilling at best, groveling, or accusations of harassment at worst.
In contrast, the approach described above dismisses this approach altogether, and instead focuses on building rapport and properly managing the relationships you already have. The usefulness of this approach is not limited to men dealing with wimmin of particular interest, but extends to men dealing with most anyone, not just women in relationships.
As you can see, the practice of wife/daughter/COPs/et al. management is not focused on extracting certain feelings or responses from them, but is about asserting masculine authority, assuming control of the interaction, harnessing the motivations in play, and guiding, moulding, and shaping the feelings and responses of others that are already in circulation.
- Σ Frame: The Objectification of Reproductive Potential must deliver an Ego Rush or else it is Chauvinistic. (2020-11-18)
- Σ Frame: Women Rely on a Man’s Frame for Redemptive Introspection (2021-06-28)
- Σ Frame: Start Small to Build Internal Locus of Control (2021-10-14)
- Σ Frame: It’s all about her Ego (2021-11-12)