Start Small to Build Internal Locus of Control

Focus on faith, not on failure.

Readership: Single Men;
Length: 1,000 words
Reading Time: 3.5 minutes

It’s important for a man to learn how to deal with women’s little mind games, and how to interact with women successfully. Many younger men are at a loss in this respect, so it’s good for us to focus on the process.

In this post, I’ll explore part of an interview with an east Asian PUA who goes by the name Lee Cho.

Red Pill Dad: Meet the players! Interview with Lee Cho. (2021-10-04)

This interview is from a secular PUA, so for the sake of this discussion, I will ignore the issues of motivations and relational goals, and focus on the subjective internal psychology that is conveyed here. In studying this interview, I wish to point out the kind of mindset that builds confidence and faith which is achievable, not only by PUAs, not only by Christians, but by everyone.

In one part of the interview, Lee Cho describes the challenge of developing an internal locus of control, and he touches on a few important points.

“When transitioning from beginner to intermediate, the biggest sticking point tends to ironically be doing a high volume of sets. As a beginner, you need volume to familiarise yourself with the basics.”

“Doing a high volume of sets” means to approach a large number of women, attempting to carry a conversation, and building rapport. An important point that Lee alludes to but fails to mention is that these approaches, in the beginning, are going to be with women who are rather unattractive.

Yes, this may be uninteresting and maybe even unpleasant, but we might think of it as a rite of passage. In the beginning when you have no experience, when you’re awkward and fearful, and your confidence is weak, start talking with all women, not just those that pass the boner test. The point of this exercise is to get some experience with interacting socially with women, to identify and get a grip on your own internal locus of control, and use this as a base to develop your confidence. Only after a man has reached this point is he ready to tackle more challenging “sets”.

“But once you can reliably hold conversations, it’s time to start approaching more selectively – girls whom you genuinely like. This more authentic approach allows you to hyper-focus your mental/emotional/physical energy onto each girl, which simultaneously makes you want to perform the skills well and so pushes you to do so whilst generating raw man-to-woman attraction. The more of these types of interactions one has, the better their skills will become, and the more they will internalise what it is to be a guy that girls are attracted to as a result of the man-to-woman attraction. Oh, and results will become more consistent too – less flakey numbers and better dates.”

Here, we notice that Lee is NOT focused on techniques, pick up lines, or notch counts. Instead, he is focused on keeping his inner game together and developing his own charisma and confidence. Lee goes on to describe this in detail.

“Note that this does not necessarily mean you become needy, which is an issue many beginner and intermediate gamers have. In fact, quite the opposite. Neediness occurs when you are stuck in your head and focused on avoiding what you don’t want, e.g. her rejecting you. But the best way to attract her is by focusing instead on performing the correct skills/behaviours well, e.g. eye contact, pace of speech, closing distance, staying on topic, directing the conversation, qualifying etc.”

Lee Cho is correct to say that neediness is a poison to one’s confidence and a chick repellant. Instead, a man needs to Develop an Attitude of Detachment.

Lee mentions some expressions of “correct skills/behaviors”, but he doesn’t go into detail about how these habits should be executed, because it cannot be made any more specific than this. What is “correct” and what “works” will depend on each man – his personality, interests, values, and style of communication. The task of determining what these “correct skills/behaviors” are for you as an individual involves monitoring the feedback loop and testing yourself in responding appropriately and authentically. Only through practice can a man hone the impact he has on others. This requires you to be aware of how certain people and situations affect your emotional state and your frame of mind, being conscientious of your impression on others, and learning to emphasize certain behaviors and expressions to bring out your own personal charm and charisma.

“By having sharp focus on these skills, you soon become present to the moment because you are now focused solely on taking action, i.e. in your body and not in your head. In essence, your level of satisfaction comes from your actions instead of her reactions, which dispels any care for whether or not she likes you.

When he uses phrases like being “present in the moment”, and being “in your body and not in your head”, I get the strong impression that he is talking about a heart-led consciousness as opposed to a cognitively oriented consciousness. As we learned from Ed Hurst, the heart-led consciousness is at the very core of authentic Christian living.

The last sentence (in bold) is where a lot of men fumble, and part of this is because men are naturally goal-oriented. They require certain key outcomes or specific milestones in order to get a sense of satisfaction and achievement. But this is a performance-based mentality, which is burdensome in developing one’s Flow. Instead, men should nurture an internal sense of achievement from being in control of themselves and the situation (as much as possible), maintaining frame when challenged, expressing themselves well, and responding appropriately to the context, regardless of how it turns out.

“Consider it a professional, success-oriented form of self-amusement if you like. Counter-intuitively, she will like you more. This is what beginners and also intermediates need to internalise to progress beyond their level, amongst other things.”

In my experience, this “self-amusement” is exactly what it is like for me in those moments when I am strong in faith – feeling in the groove, so to speak. And yes, people eat it up, especially women. Creating the self-esteem necessary to maintain this state within any given context requires a spiritual posture of humility, and the disciplined continuation of this state forms the crucible in which character and charisma are developed and refined.

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About Jack

Jack is a world traveling artist, skilled in trading ideas and information, none of which are considered too holy, too nerdy, nor too profane to hijack and twist into useful fashion. Sigma Frame Mindsets and methods for building and maintaining a masculine Frame
This entry was posted in Attraction, Authenticity, Building Wealth, Charisma, Confidence, Courtship and Marriage, Discipline, Enduring Suffering, Fundamental Frame, Game Theory, Handling Rejection, Holding Frame, Influence, Inner Game, Introspection, Male Power, Manosphere, Maturity, Personal Growth and Development, Models of Success, Personal Presentation, Persuasion, Power, Rites of Passage, Self-Concept, Sexual Authority, SMV/MMV, Stewardship, The Power of God. Bookmark the permalink.

14 Responses to Start Small to Build Internal Locus of Control

  1. Lysimachus says:

    I highly doubt whether it is possible for men outside of the top 20-30% in attractiveness (barring exceptions, of course) to develop consistent internal locus of control in a relationship. That idea is mostly peddled in secular manosphere by various PUAs and Red Pill sites – much of their content, including courses, self-help books, trainings, etc. would be rendered obsolete if they admitted that for the majority of men the locus of control will be largely external and there is little they can do about it because they are unattractive. Developing an attitude of detachment, holding frame, etc. will be of limited help if one is not attractive to begin with, and in worst case scenario can lead to behaviors which will be considered creepy by women if done by a clueless beta. That is not to say that these things are useless or should not be emphasized in Godly, Christian context. However, it is still a severely limited band-aid which cannot even partly replace the traditional social order based on Christian values which glued the society together until the 1960s. If Christians need to depend on game, an attitude of detachment, and frame to hold their marriages together, then future looks bleak, to put it mildly.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Red Pill Apostle says:

      “I highly doubt whether it is possible for men outside of the top 20-30% in attractiveness (barring exceptions, of course) to develop consistent internal locus of control in a relationship.”

      Many times in past comments lastmod has correctly criticized game as men yielding to women. He’s 100% right because the preponderance of game tactics have their primary focus on the man behaving in such a way to trigger a woman into liking him. This is the wrong approach because the primary focus is on the woman and her reactions. The man in the interaction cares about her response. The PUA guys then prescribe hundreds of interactions with women for the man to condition himself not to care, or to be able to at least not outwardly show that he cares.

      In the Christian context, we see that PUAs, for the reasons stated above, distort the order that God created. God created man, gave him a purpose, then created woman to help him with his purpose. We can learn from this order and create the internal locus of control that Jack wrote about and it has nothing to do with being in the whatever percent of men women find physically attractive.

      As Christian men, we work out our life’s purpose first. That is the goal, the mission for our lives and for the vast majority of us it will not have a primary focus on women. Understanding your mission and working towards it’s end is how Christian men build and maintain an internal locus of control. Many of the other PUA trappings are things we should be doing anyway with the bodies and talents God has blessed us with. We should be reasonably fit because this honor’s God by treating the body He gave us well. We should learn and develop the interests God gave us because they are useful within the body of Christ to help other believers as we are called to do.

      It is from this mission mindset that a man can begin to evaluate women. Does she help me in my mission or not is the question being asked and this often changes the dynamic because the man is evaluating if the woman is valuable to him, or not. Much of the terminology and tactics of PUAs come from trying to mimic this mindset of having a greater purpose than finding a woman. It’s hard to do because men have to accept that they may never find a woman that is adequate help. Adopting this approach is not a guarantee, but it will give Christian men the best chance at finding a decent women.

      Liked by 3 people

  2. anonymous_ng says:

    Most men, if they were to truly eschew external validation, and were truly to develop what is being called here an internal locus of control, would find that they would overnight become wildly successful with women, and at cold-call sales.

    The problem is that the men who are willing to push themselves through the necessary pain and discomfort to reach that end is small.

    The pickup world sells the lie that everyone has the internal characteristics to discipline themselves enough to push through the social discomfort and anxiety to achieve this internal locus of control.

    The multi-level marketing world sells the lie that everyone has the internal characteristics to discipline themselves enough to push through the social discomfort and anxiety to achieve success at cold calling.

    It’s the same.

    David Goggins sells the same lie.

    Diet books sell the same lie.

    Except, it’s a lie, until it isn’t.

    Maybe the ability to discipline oneself is not evenly distributed across the entirety of the human population.

    Maybe a slender physique is dependent upon self-discipline versus historically when the environment provided an external discipline (e.g. laborious jobs, walking, and using horses for transportation, and high calorie foods were expensive).

    Maybe a quality marriage is dependent upon self-discipline now that women are no longer forced to marry for safety, for access to her husband’s resources to attain a higher standard of living for herself and her children.

    Like

    • thedeti says:

      “Maybe a quality marriage is dependent upon self-discipline now that women are no longer forced to marry for safety, for access to her husband’s resources to attain a higher standard of living for herself and her children.”

      Dependent upon women’s self-discipline. A woman must discipline herself to be fit, feminine, friendly, cooperative, and submissive.

      And dependent on men’s self discipline to avoid women who cannot or will not exercise their own self-discipline.

      There’s some support in this. Scott has said he and Mychael had some problems in their marriage. Scott fixed his part, but he says what preserved the marriage and their good relationship was how she felt about him, not how he felt about her. It was not so much his adjustments and refinements; but rather Mychael’s positive reactions and responses to Scott’s adjustments and refinements.

      Liked by 1 person

      • anonymous_ng says:

        @Deti, I was considering the self-discipline to not put women on a pedestal, the self-discipline to stand firm in the face of her emotional tantrums, the self-discipline to walk away from an attractive woman that has as many red flags as a BLM protest, etc., but you made good points too.

        Liked by 1 person

    • anonymous_ng says:

      I hate that I can’t edit comments. No matter how often I try to proofread them, I invariably make some stupid error.

      [Jack: I try to catch and correct typos and horrendously misspelled words, but if it’s way off what you intended to write, then I may not catch it, especially if it makes sense. In this case, just leave another comment with the correction.]

      Like

    • Oscar says:

      “Maybe a quality marriage is dependent upon self-discipline now that women are no longer forced to marry for safety, for access to her husband’s resources to attain a higher standard of living for herself and her children.”

      A quality marriage has always depended upon self-discipline. Why do you think the Bible contains so many commandments about how to treat a spouse? Do you think all of that would be necessary, if it came naturally, or easily?

      Like

      • anonymous_ng says:

        @Oscar, touché!

        It’s easy to think that life was easier for our ancestors, etc., without actually considering things.

        Like

      • Oscar says:

        @ anonymous_ng,

        “It’s easy to think that life was easier for our ancestors, etc., without actually considering things.”

        It’s a difficult balance, isn’t it? On the one hand, it’s true that “there is nothing new under the sun” (Eccl. 1:9), and “no temptation has overtaken you, but that which is common to man” (1 Cor. 10:13).

        On the other hand, it’s also true that, back when I was single (late ’90s, early ’00s), I could ask a lot of girls out, get shot down a bunch of times, and learn social skills that way with few negative consequences. In fact, one of the most important lessons I learned was that getting shot down wasn’t the end of the world, so I may as well take the shot.

        I don’t think young men can do that anymore. These days, there’s a very real risk of being falsely accused of sexual harassment just for asking a girl out, which means young men have to be a lot more judicious about who to ask out. But, how can they learn without practice?

        The lesson is that Chesterton was right. When a culture breaks down the boundaries that God set up, they think the result will be more freedom, but in fact, the result is that you end up with 1,000 little tyrants running around making up rules as they go along, and constantly changing them without warning.

        Liked by 3 people

    • “Maybe a slender physique is dependent upon self-discipline versus historically when the environment provided an external discipline…”

      Yes. Where’s the virtue in not being fat, in not indulging in pornography, in not divorcing, if, as in the past, these things were either against the law or simply not possible due to scarcity?

      Nowadays they’re all possible and officially encouraged.

      This is cause for optimism I think. If society can re-emerge from the current decline, by people freely choosing to avoid such vices, it has the potential to rise far higher than before.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Danny70 says:

    In the U.S., a guy that tries cold approaching lots of women will eventually get the police called on him. Maybe some older women won’t mind but lots of women under 40 will mind. I don’t keep close tabs on dating coaches these days but the younger ones focus on meeting women online which is where things start for younger people.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Lastmod says:

    Eh….. still not going to convince me in this area. Looks get you in, and women let A LOT pass and slide IF you have the checkbook of looks to back yourself up.

    I am comfortable in social situations from bartending, DJ-ing, and dancing. I can hang in this scene perfectly and yet will still go to bed alone, no phone numbers, and barely noticed by women. Clip is from the Perception at the W Hotel in London. Stayed here in 2019. Staying again in 2022. Awesome, sleek, hip, and cool place to stay in London. All day / all night this place was going.

    Like

    • Jack says:

      Jason,
      This post focuses on interacting with women because this is the point where a lot of men goof up, succumb to pedestalization, and thereby fail to use these experiences to build up their inner locus of control. I didn’t mention this in the post, but it is possible to build up your internal locus of control without concentrating on interactions with women. Just about any situation where you interact with lots of different kinds of people would offer the opportunity to do so. Actually, you don’t even need to interact with people. You can learn this by developing skill in mastering a challenging task as well. As such, your experiences with bartending, DJ-ing, and dancing required a combination of social interactions and physical skills that would have allowed you to develop an internal locus of control, and I wouldn’t doubt it if this is exactly what you did during that time. As you wrote…

      “I am comfortable in social situations from bartending, DJ-ing, and dancing. I can hang in this scene perfectly…”

      …but only you would know whether you developed an inner locus of control through these experiences.

      Like

  5. Pingback: External locus of control and internal locus of control | Christianity and masculinity

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