Focus on faith, not on failure.
Readership: Single Men;
Length: 1,000 words
Reading Time: 3.5 minutes
It’s important for a man to learn how to deal with women’s little mind games, and how to interact with women successfully. Many younger men are at a loss in this respect, so it’s good for us to focus on the process.
In this post, I’ll explore part of an interview with an east Asian PUA who goes by the name Lee Cho.
Red Pill Dad: Meet the players! Interview with Lee Cho. (2021-10-04)
This interview is from a secular PUA, so for the sake of this discussion, I will ignore the issues of motivations and relational goals, and focus on the subjective internal psychology that is conveyed here. In studying this interview, I wish to point out the kind of mindset that builds confidence and faith which is achievable, not only by PUAs, not only by Christians, but by everyone.
In one part of the interview, Lee Cho describes the challenge of developing an internal locus of control, and he touches on a few important points.
“When transitioning from beginner to intermediate, the biggest sticking point tends to ironically be doing a high volume of sets. As a beginner, you need volume to familiarise yourself with the basics.”
“Doing a high volume of sets” means to approach a large number of women, attempting to carry a conversation, and building rapport. An important point that Lee alludes to but fails to mention is that these approaches, in the beginning, are going to be with women who are rather unattractive.
Yes, this may be uninteresting and maybe even unpleasant, but we might think of it as a rite of passage. In the beginning when you have no experience, when you’re awkward and fearful, and your confidence is weak, start talking with all women, not just those that pass the boner test. The point of this exercise is to get some experience with interacting socially with women, to identify and get a grip on your own internal locus of control, and use this as a base to develop your confidence. Only after a man has reached this point is he ready to tackle more challenging “sets”.
“But once you can reliably hold conversations, it’s time to start approaching more selectively – girls whom you genuinely like. This more authentic approach allows you to hyper-focus your mental/emotional/physical energy onto each girl, which simultaneously makes you want to perform the skills well and so pushes you to do so whilst generating raw man-to-woman attraction. The more of these types of interactions one has, the better their skills will become, and the more they will internalise what it is to be a guy that girls are attracted to as a result of the man-to-woman attraction. Oh, and results will become more consistent too – less flakey numbers and better dates.”
Here, we notice that Lee is NOT focused on techniques, pick up lines, or notch counts. Instead, he is focused on keeping his inner game together and developing his own charisma and confidence. Lee goes on to describe this in detail.
“Note that this does not necessarily mean you become needy, which is an issue many beginner and intermediate gamers have. In fact, quite the opposite. Neediness occurs when you are stuck in your head and focused on avoiding what you don’t want, e.g. her rejecting you. But the best way to attract her is by focusing instead on performing the correct skills/behaviours well, e.g. eye contact, pace of speech, closing distance, staying on topic, directing the conversation, qualifying etc.”
Lee Cho is correct to say that neediness is a poison to one’s confidence and a chick repellant. Instead, a man needs to Develop an Attitude of Detachment.
Lee mentions some expressions of “correct skills/behaviors”, but he doesn’t go into detail about how these habits should be executed, because it cannot be made any more specific than this. What is “correct” and what “works” will depend on each man – his personality, interests, values, and style of communication. The task of determining what these “correct skills/behaviors” are for you as an individual involves monitoring the feedback loop and testing yourself in responding appropriately and authentically. Only through practice can a man hone the impact he has on others. This requires you to be aware of how certain people and situations affect your emotional state and your frame of mind, being conscientious of your impression on others, and learning to emphasize certain behaviors and expressions to bring out your own personal charm and charisma.
“By having sharp focus on these skills, you soon become present to the moment because you are now focused solely on taking action, i.e. in your body and not in your head. In essence, your level of satisfaction comes from your actions instead of her reactions, which dispels any care for whether or not she likes you.”
When he uses phrases like being “present in the moment”, and being “in your body and not in your head”, I get the strong impression that he is talking about a heart-led consciousness as opposed to a cognitively oriented consciousness. As we learned from Ed Hurst, the heart-led consciousness is at the very core of authentic Christian living.
The last sentence (in bold) is where a lot of men fumble, and part of this is because men are naturally goal-oriented. They require certain key outcomes or specific milestones in order to get a sense of satisfaction and achievement. But this is a performance-based mentality, which is burdensome in developing one’s Flow. Instead, men should nurture an internal sense of achievement from being in control of themselves and the situation (as much as possible), maintaining frame when challenged, expressing themselves well, and responding appropriately to the context, regardless of how it turns out.
“Consider it a professional, success-oriented form of self-amusement if you like. Counter-intuitively, she will like you more. This is what beginners and also intermediates need to internalise to progress beyond their level, amongst other things.”
In my experience, this “self-amusement” is exactly what it is like for me in those moments when I am strong in faith – feeling “in the groove”, so to speak. And yes, people eat it up, especially women. Creating the self-esteem necessary to maintain this state within any given context requires a spiritual posture of humility, and the disciplined continuation of this state forms the crucible in which character and charisma are developed and refined.
- Σ Frame: Why does Game work? (2019-12-09)
- Σ Frame: How to Develop an Attitude of Detachment (2020-07-10)
- Σ Frame: Mood can be Hypnotizing (2020-10-06)
- Σ Frame: How to build your ex to go back to being fond of you (2021-10-15)