Your aura goes before you!
Readership: Men, especially introverted men
Theme: Identity, Image, and Impressions
Author’s Note: Coauthored with Red Pill Apostle.
Length: 2,600 words
Reading Time: 10 minutes
In general, men should pick a woman who is more agreeable than not. However, it should be well noted that personality differences can affect what this looks like and how it is expressed.
For those personality combinations in which the man is extroverted and the woman is introverted, finding a woman who is agreeable should be inherently apparent. But for those men who have a quiet personality and who pair well with outgoing women, determining her level of agreeableness may be a bit of a trick. This is because in this type of personality coupling, the woman will naturally dominate the bulk of the discussion.
A lot of our (Jack and RPA) writings come from this perspective — how a quiet or introverted man can dominate the interaction he has with his wife without losing frame.
We think the way to get a grip on this is to recognize that there are bigger issues than introversion / extroversion that play out in the interaction, namely the man’s dominant frame and masculine presence. (We’ll cover these two concepts later in this essay.) Younger men who are not accustomed to how their frame and masculine presence appears to others may not realize this, but a man with courage and conviction can be introverted and introspective and still be quite dominant.
Think of a quieter man who is with a woman who is warmer, talks quite a bit, and is fast paced (i.e. being liked is her conversational frame). As long as he is not the type of man who comes across as being scared of his own shadow, he can seem intimidating to her. This is especially true if he knows what he wants in life and is willing to go after it. But if he comes across as being timid, hesitant, or afraid of her reactions, then this masculine aura collapses and he’ll lose the dominant frame.
In our last post, Agreeableness and Personality (2022-6-8), we covered four basic communication styles. This post will hone in on a particular dynamic — how introverted men can communicate with extroverted women by…
- Extolling Masculine Presence
- Listening and giving Feedback
- Maintaining Frame
The remainder of this post will explore these three mechanisms and how they may be used by a reserved man to create a dominant interaction with an expressive woman.
The concept of Masculine Presence has been around the Manosphere for a looong while, and it is always presented in the context of an Alpha Male slaying chicks left and right. While it is true that it is much easier for an Alpha to discover how his presence has an effect on others (i.e. women), and utilize the resulting feedback to intensify his awareness and augment his presence, it is not a phenomenon unique to Alphas. Average men have been known to exude Masculine Presence, but this particular manifestation is usually avoided in discussions, even within the Manosphere, as there are many men who refuse to accept it or believe it for various reasons. As a result, Masculine Presence continues to remain beyond the awareness of the vast majority of men and thus goes underutilized by many men — much to the disappointment of many women.
I’d like for us to take a step back from the Alpha-based image of Masculine Presence and form a revised view of it that could apply to nearly any man who cares to develop an awareness of his own aura — including and especially Christian men. So here I’ll propose a spiritualized definition.
Masculine Presence is an inherent power of spiritual authority at Men’s disposal, granted to Men by God Himself.
To avail of this power, it remains up to each Man to develop and exercise his own charisma within his domain of influence. Men can earn large dividends by becoming more familiar with how they are perceived by others in this way.
In the rest of this essay, I’ll describe several elements pertaining to how Masculine Presence is manifested and can be utilized to impose Frame, including personality, communication style, addressing the needs of others, listening, questioning, evaluating, and giving feedback. I suspect there are many others.
Viewing Masculine Presence as a uniquely Christian trait will be a spanking new idea to many readers, so to kick start this conversation, we will describe how we handle our own wives to illustrate how our masculine presence can seem imposing to women.
Case Study 1 – RPA and Mrs. Apostle
I would carefully consider what ‘dominating’ a conversation or discussion looks like.
There are times when Mrs. Apostle is talking a lot and she notices that I’m quiet and have an expression on my face that would suggest I’m judging what she is saying. Often times, this will make her nervous about what I am thinking. There have been times when she noticed my expression and has said, “Uh oh… What are you thinking? What did I do?”
There are other times, especially when we were dating because we were getting to know each other, when I have utilized her communication style in conversation which made her feel like I understood her. She still used 10 times more words than I did, but she felt like it was a good conversation. The reality is that I spoke a little, actively listened a whole bunch and asked her questions that got her to talk (not a hard task) about subjects that interested her.
The next section will cover some basics of good listening skills.
Case Study 2 – Jack and Jill
I’ve learned a lot from discussing communication styles with RPA. Shortly after our email exchange, (Monday, December 20, 2021), I began to assess me and my wife’s communication styles. After studying this for a few months, I can offer the following summary.
Personalities — I am somewhere in between being introverted and extroverted. When I am alone or among strangers, I take a reserved role. But when I’m with a small group of friends, I can’t really claim to be the life of the party, but I am leading the activities and guiding the topics of discussion. At times, I can be raucously funny. My wife is more extroverted than I am, and that is what shows up in our relationship, so it makes me take the introverted role. According to the continuum of energy idea described by RPA in the previous post, it’s true, because I often feel exhausted after interacting with her.
Communication Styles — I am slow paced and cool (“being right”). My secondary style is slow paced and warm (“safety”). My wife is fast paced and warm (“being liked”), but when she gets into one of her moods, she is fast paced and cold (“control”). Moreover, my wife prefers the proud, egotistical, hubristic, playful interaction, while I prefer the honest, warm, authentic, even affectionate interaction.
According to the “experts”, we should try to mimic each others’ style. It is difficult for me to be fast paced, especially fast paced and warm, because when I try to communicate in this style, I come across as some combination of arrogant, disingenuous, mocking, and sarcastic, and this is unacceptable to her sensibilities.
As for her, she refuses to communicate using my style because she feels like a “deceptive manipulative whore”. (Those are her own words!) Instead, she thinks it’s better to blurt out all her unfiltered, unfettered thoughts, and she’s proud of that because she thinks she’s a truth teller. I find her “version” of the truth is rude, disrespectful, and unbecoming for a woman. I’ve told her so, but she doesn’t agree, so she won’t go to the effort to change her communication style. However, she has become a little more conscientious about her speech.
In sum, her style really annoys me, while she thinks my style is too serious. Trying to change styles is just as awkward; she won’t change her style, and she doesn’t like it any better when I change mine. Even so, I’d have to admit that the “experts” are more or less correct, because whenever I adapt to my wife’s style, she immediately blows up, but then she’ll eventually simmer down and is more willing to listen to what I have to say. So I’ve learned that getting on a roll can be more efficient in taking control of things and/or resolving a conflict.
Masculine Presence — Compared to RPA’s wife, my wife is more sensitive to Masculine Presence. For example, I’ve noticed that my wife gets nervous when I give her undivided attention and especially direct eye contact. Because of this, often times I can get a better, more attentive reaction from her if I pretend like I’m busy with something else and like I’m NOT listening. Furthermore, my wife has some inner game in response to Masculine Presence to the point of her having developed a few psychological defense mechanisms in response to it. For example, if my wife is talking and I have a disagreeable expression on my face, it makes her feel judged. But unlike how RPA’s wife becomes more compliant, Jill’s typical reaction is to get angry. I can be very patient, so I’ll tolerate her anger for a time. But if she goes over the top, or embarks on a self-sufflating ego trip, or starts up with some crazy accusations, or resorts to psychological defense tactics, then I’ll stop listening. If she continues, I’ll walk away. I’ll go take a walk. or go for a bicycle ride to the lake, or go to my office. As I’m leaving, I’ll tell her something like,
- “I don’t think you’re being serious anymore.”
- “You’re just ranting. Calm down and then we’ll talk.”
- “Call me when you come back down to planet Earth.”
Because of her intrinsic need for positive attention and to be liked, she goes nuts when I walk away. When I come back, she’s in a more agreeable mood. Soft Dread Game.
The Importance of Listening and Giving Feedback
The key to listening is…
- Staying calm.
- Hearing what they’re NOT saying.
- Seeing through the emotional static.
- Assessing how her frame fits within yours, and calling it out when it doesn’t.
I (Jack) have learned that at times, it’s prudent to hold my peace and let others talk because…
- I’ve learned from studying psychology and also from experience that if you can get the other person to talk more, then they are more likely to trust you and like you.
- It allows me some time to collect information, assess the other person, and decide how open and trusting I can be with that person.
- Letting the other person talk more helps me gauge their communication style, personality, and temperament, and gives me an idea of how I can best deal with that person.
In both examples in RPA’s Case Study, he did the majority of listening, but as you can see, Mrs. Apostle did not really dominate the interaction. She responded by being more considerate of his opinions.
Jack listens to his wife attentively, but only when she is calm and respectful. In Jack’s Case Study, he used listening as a tool to hold Jill’s attention (based on her need to be liked). Whenever she attempted to dominate the interaction, he withdrew his masculine presence to…
- Express an intolerant rejection (viz. a strong dislike) of her snippy influence.
- Employ soft Dread Game whenever she crossed the line.
- Instill humility and introspection in her.
As you can see, some of the skills and techniques might be different from couple to couple, but in any case, listening offers affirmation to the woman and also keeps her drawn into the man’s frame. It also provides feedback to the man that he can use to better implement his Game.
The Man’s Dominant Frame
There is one aspect of frame control which encapsulates a dominant interaction.
“Within every interaction is a frame where one person does the evaluating and judging while the other does the satisfying. The person with the higher value will naturally fall into a frame of evaluation while the person with the lower value will fall into a frame of trying to prove or appease.”Roosh V: Don’t Let A Girl Assert Frame Over You (2018-1-29)
The Question Apology Game (2019-1-6) is an interactional dynamic in which a man uses astute questioning to steer the direction of the conversation with a woman. Here, the man calls out a particular aspect of the woman’s work, behavior, decision, performance, etc., and reviews the value of the woman’s contribution. It is assumed within the nature of the interaction that the woman must give an account of herself, and/or what she is doing, and why. Motives and priorities are called into question, and reviewed under heavy scrutiny.
Women will naturally resist such perlustration, and may accuse the man of “judging” her, as if that were something grotesquely evil. But through calm and kindhearted inquisition, a man can fashion the topics and questions in such a way as to control the dynamics of the conversations. If the man can elicit her conviction followed by a feedback response of supplication from her, this establishes a hierarchy in which the man assumes the role of the dominant evaluator, and the woman must therefore assume the role of the submissive appeaser.
The interesting part of this dynamic is that a man can Display High(er) Value (DHV) by taking on the role of the inquisitor. When parsing a woman, a man has the upper hand in this respect, since women are given to solipsistic hamstering and are less rational by comparison. This is not to say that a man should rely primarily on reason to “win” arguments, as females are likely to be annoyed by this “mansplaining” approach and will not respond in a compliant manner, but rather that he’s better able to keep a clear head and analyze her motives and influence with greater precision and accuracy. Being Red Pilled and emotionally detached is highly valuable in this regard.
How to Avoid Miscommunication
Let this sink in until you “get it” and these concepts begin to click.
- Listen with your eyes, ears, and guts.
- Be aware of your own perceptional filters.
- Let your Masculine Presence do the talking.
- Take time to understand as you try to be understood.
- Understand that passive hearing and active listening are not the same.
- Be aware of any differences in Communication Styles, and adapt if possible.
- Ask inquisitive, probing questions that are genuine and show interest in her life.
- Let her feel appreciated by you, by focusing on those aspects of the interaction that would naturally appeal to her communication style and personality.
In summary, all these methods sharpen your ability to employ various forms of operant conditioning. The key is in knowing her intrinsic needs, both communicative and feedback, and fulfilling them (viz. validation) when she behaves appropriately, and starving her out when she doesn’t. Good ol’ Push-Pull Game.
These needs, according to the 4 communication styles, are as follows.
- Fast Paced and Warm (Expressives) => Need to be liked.
- Fast Paced and Cool (Drivers) => Need to have clear choices spelled out for them.
- Slow Paced and Warm (Amiables) => Need guidance towards finding contentment and peace, and to avoid guilt, regret, and shame.
- Slow Paced and Cool (Analytics) => Need to have a detailed confirmation/explanation without getting confused and/or overwhelmed by said details (viz. avoid Analysis Paralysis).
By employing the above methods, men, even quiet reserved men, can meet the needs of a woman’s communication style by active listening, asking questions, and offering validation when appropriate, without ever having to top her at her own communication style.
- Corey Wayne: Masculine Alpha Presence (2017-6-26)
- Σ Frame: The Pygmalion Project vs. Shared Enterprises (2018-2-2)
- Σ Frame: How To Get A Better Response From Your Girl (2018-2-27)
- Σ Frame: The Question Apology Game (2019-1-6)
- Σ Frame: Moon Day Review – The Hall of Frame Control (2019-6-10)
- Σ Frame: Reevaluating the Centrality of the Male Ego (2020-4-15)
- Σ Frame: The Dominatrix Conversation (2020-7-6)