The Battle for Headship begins on the Home Turf

Know what it is you’re fighting for.

Readership: Men
Theme: Headship
Author’s Note: This post contains comments from readers. Links to the original comments are embedded in the initial words.
Length: 2,000 words
Reading Time: 10 minutes

Introduction

The previous post, The Challenges of Moving Towards Headship (2023/4/5), had a case study that highlighted how women are exceptionally skilled and well practiced in haranging men, while men are often caught unawares.

Bardelys the Magnificent wrote,

“Problem is that men do not play these games and very seldom come across them, so they are hard to spot in real time. Wonder if there are ways to practice or create these scenarios to better spot them?”

Yes, it would be helpful for men to have some practice training in how to exert frame and regulate a conversation. Commenters offered some good examples of different ways to shift the frame in these types of situations. However, going over verbal responses isn’t enough. Men need to practice these things in real time, and long enough to build up skill in dealing with wimminz.

Devon70 reminded us of the futility of such efforts.

“In the modern U.S., guys should avoid arguing or confrontation with women because only negative can come from that. Guys get cancelled for glancing at a woman in a gym. It isn’t worth it, especially when you’re older. […] Just walk away and avoid them.”

Yes. This is one of the risks, or “costs”, that I mentioned at the end of that post. Men need to make an impromptu decision analysis to determine whether the benefits of a particular interaction are worth all the trouble.

If a man is up on his social game, he might be able to shift things in his favor and redeem his social image / reputation. But what about those men who don’t have the skills and qualifications necessary to “win”, but still need situations like this to “practice”? After all, a man can’t get good at this sort of thing without practice. But as Devon pointed out, the risks are too high to engage in practice.

Perhaps skills of this sort are best taught by other men, or during one’s familial upbringing. This would put the onus for instruction on more experienced men and fathers respectively. Perhaps an agreeable and trustworthy woman might be found who would be a willing subject for this purpose, but that would be a rare find, and it would still pose risks.

I’ll proffer that the home is probably the safest and best place for a man to learn such skills. Practicing on sisters (for younger men living with parents) or wives (for married men) would be less risky than practicing on classmates, coworkers, or strangers. So the remainder of this post, I’ll focus on the contributions of Sons, Husbands, and Fathers towards this endeavor.

The Warlord is a Warrior

Under The Glorious Warlord (2023/3/20), thedeti wrote,

“The glorious warlord implies glorious warriors.  Which gets down to the real issue here – a man needs something he’s willing to fight and die for.  The warrior gets up and fights.  Usually he knows why he fights, for whom he fights, and what he’s willing to do in the service of his master.

Most men have nothing they’re willing to fight or die for.”

Well, here’s something we can “fight” for.

1. Skilled men can take it upon themselves to coach younger men on how to parry with women.
2. Fathers can school their sons on how to handle women.
3. Married men can start by fighting for Headship in their marriages.

Think of this as soldiers training for battle — before the battle begins and the casualties start mounting.

Women themselves may or may not be involved.

Non-Warlords Fail to Prepare for Battle

Now, before the reader says to himself, “I’m no good at that stuff. I’m not cut out to be a freaking dating coach / PUA / etc.” Remember, a man fails to be a Warlord when he gives in to Herodianism.

• “Whatever, man…”
• “It doesn’t matter…”
• “Go along to get along…”
• “Happy Wife, Happy Life.”
• “Whatever she says, goes…”
• “When Mama ain’t happy, nobody happy.”
• Etc.

Instead, he should be saying stuff like…

• “Let me tell you how it goes…”
• “Here’s what I’m doing, and here’s what you can do to help.”
• “Let’s have beef steaks for dinner tonight, dear. Thank you!”
• “Look closely at that floral pattern on the bedsheet. Does that daisy have 12 petals or 13?”
• “I’m so happy when I come home after a long day and you greet me with your headlights on!”
• “You always stop talking whenever I kiss you. You’re the best wife on the planet!”

Sure, you might make a fool of yourself, but at least you’re getting some practice in. Practice makes perfect!

Readers are welcome to offer other suggestions in the comments.

Enjoying the decline — and going no where fast.

Case Study — The Contention

Lastmod responded,

“And most wives will say:

• “Help you?  I help you daily!  You need to be helping me!  Don’t you know what I deal with all day?  And now this………”
• “I just worked eight hours like you.  You never appreciate me…..  You don’t…  You have not…”
• “I have asked you for months to fix this and that…….  It’s still not fixed!  Why should I do anything more for you?”
• “I already thawed chicken the night before, and you got mad last week when I bought rib eye, saying it’s too expensive and I am wasting money…”

“Any man that allows floral patterns on the bedsheets as a married man… has more problems that I can or you can help him with.

It boils down to this.  She has to have the hots for you from DAY ONE or it will never work.  Most married men who try this will be given a barrage of answers like I mentioned above or it will look “phony”, like when I was “being a man and approaching girls and exuding confidence”.

Today in these matters, it’s the difference between the Have’s and Have Not’s.  Most men probably gave up when they realized their “tough guy” stance didn’t work.  It’s easier to take the “Happy Wife, Happy Life” stance and just deal with it.  Because we know in a divorce…. the court doesn’t care if she didn’t “follow your masculine leadership”.  They will side with her, and the married man will be forced to move back home, or move in with his old college roommate, or with his family, or be regulated to alcohol, other addictions, or suicide.”

“Just tell your wife what to do, bro!”

This goes back to what I wrote in the last post, The Challenges of Moving Towards Headship (2023/4/5). To reiterate, a man can impose Headship Authority whether or not a woman finds him attractive. Of course, it’s easier if she does, but most men don’t have this luxury.

Rebelling against the Wifely Master

Unfortunately, the overriding gist of what LastMod wrote is true for most men.  Much of this is because modern Blue Pilled men esteem wimmin and/or their wives as their lord and master (and wives implicitly expect their full obedience). But let’s sidestep all the contentions, “Happy Wife” stuff, issues of attraction, p00n worship, and so on, and let’s reframe the situation as one of Headship — not brute force authority as some readers may imagine, but a social dexterity that allows a man to roll out of a verbal punch and come out on top, much like what Tim Tackett demonstrated in the video above.

A man has to come to a point where he sees that this inverted structure of authority does not glorify the Lord and is, in fact, the source of the many problems he is facing in his marriage and family. And if/when a man ever comes to that point, he must decide whether to buckle down and obey the wife more perfectly (and risk being disrespected and/or tossed away by her whenever he doesn’t measure up), or else stage a rebellion against the wifely master. In the latter case, the battle for Headship begins on the home turf!

Jesus described this situation as thus.

“If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple.

Luke 14:26 (ESV)*

Looking at the state of relationships between the sexes these days, in general, I think men are acclimating towards the new norm of distrusting and “hating” women* en masse.  Those of us who are family minded are saddened by this state of affairs, but on a positive note, it’s good for men to be turning away from the idolatry and pedestalization of wimmin.

* Readers should be mindful of interpreting “hate his own wife” / “hating women” in context.  It speaks of the importance of placing Christ first and is not intended to be a blanket policy of m!s0gyny.  Cane Caldo explained this context very well in Making Heads or Tails of It (2014/2/13)**

You’ll waste a lot of time fighting worthless battles if you don’t know who the enemy is.

The Battle begins in the Home

To address LastMod’s statements:

“Most married men who try this will be given a barrage of answers like I mentioned above or it will look “phony”, like when I was “being a man and approaching girls and exuding confidence”.”

It doesn’t matter.  It only matters if the goal is poon.  What matters more is that he’s working towards Headship.

“Today in these matters, it’s the difference between the Have’s and Have Not’s.  Most men probably gave up when they realized their “tough guy” stance didn’t work.”

Most men are the Have Nots, but it doesn’t matter.  Remember, this is a gynocentric view of men.  What matters more is that he is glorifying and pleasing God in his own way.  BTW, the “tough guy” stance is sooo 20th century.

“It’s easier to take the “Happy Wife, Happy Life” stance and just deal with it.

Yes, it’s easier.  But as deti said,

“Most men have nothing they’re willing to fight or die for.”

The key idea in this case is not so much that men have nothing at all, but that they lack the WILLINGNESS to choose their battles.

“Because we know in a divorce…. the court doesn’t care if she didn’t “follow your masculine leadership”.  They will side with her, and the married man will be forced to move…”

Yes, a man will have to decide whether Headship is something he wants enough to fight and die for it.  As it has been said,

“The measure of a man is in how far he is willing to go to do what he has to do.”

Understanding where the Battle Lies

Deti wrote,

“Usually he knows why he fights, for whom he fights, and what he’s willing to do in the service of his master.”

Yes.  Most modern men don’t recognize Headship as a battle that needs to be fought, and perhaps die for.  The crux of this problem is that too many men believe that pedestalizing their wife as their lord and master is the Christian way to approach things.  It is not.

Deti said,

“A man needs something he’s willing to fight and die for.”

If a man who has been through the wringer can come to see a broken home, a failed marriage, fighting a termagant for the welfare of his children, etc. as a hill he fought and died for (figuratively), this may give him a sense of dignity, honor, and self-respect.  But men need to know what it is that he’s fighting for — glorifying God through Headship — resisting being dominated by a woman, and refusing to let his children be devoured by a consuming mother and the rebellious lies of this world.

Many men have already fought this battle, and many more are still fighting it.  It’s time they received recognition for their valor — instead of being denigrated for not fulfilling the intransigent Feminine Imperative.

** H/T: JvanGeld

Related

• Σ Frame: The Challenge of Demanding Excellence (2018/3/11)
• Σ Frame: Laying out Expectations (2022/10/20)
• Σ Frame: Men’s Role in the Mess (2022/12/21)
• Σ Frame: How to Assume the Missionary Position (2023/1/27)
• Σ Frame: Are Men Responsible for Women’s Behavior? (2023/2/1)
• Σ Frame: Glorifying God through Obedience (2023/3/8)
• Christianity and Masculinity: Mastering the “domain” of women (2023/3/11)
• Σ Frame: Glorifying God Through the Courage of Upholding His Moral Laws (2023/3/17)