Stay focused on your purpose, no matter what others may do or say.
Readership: Men
Theme: Overcoming Obstacles
Length: 600 words
Reading Time: 2 minutes
It’s not to be unexpected that joining a gym, an athletic team, or any other men’s group formed around a physical activity will involve some amount of hazing or some rite of passage. After all, it is the nature of men to seek to establish a hierarchical pecking order. Attention is therefore focused on newcomers.
However, once we have decided that we are “in”, we must not let the evo-psyche rituals of social admission intimidate us and prevent us from pressing on.
In the comments under Oscar’s post, How to double your strength in 3 months (2022-4-1), LastMod described why he doesn’t like going to the gym.
“[The gym is a] Very intimidating place. Especially if you look like me or if a guy / gal is overweight. Any motivation they may have is killed quickly in a place like that. Once I saw people giving side looks, snickering, and just being really crass to a large woman.
People say, “Go to the gym. Lose weight! Work out!” Finally, courage mustered up and they are not welcome.”
In response to Oscar’s attempt to sharpen him up, LastMod retorted…
“…and it makes you look smart, me look stupid, and in the end, it leads me to dislike you more.”
Ahhh… We need to review Detachment 101: Maintaining Frame is the same as setting Socio-Emotional Boundaries.
One of the first psychological exercises that must be done even before one sets foot in a gym, or joins a sports team, etc., is to settle into an attitude of determination about achieving one’s goals, whether it be to win the championship as a valuable team player, to double one’s strength in 3 months, or simply just to pass gym class, or to maintain a regular schedule of going to the gym for the purpose of staying active.
- Having trouble staying focused and motivated? Wear earphones and listen to your favorite music.
- Too many people want to consume your time and energy with rambling chit chat? Wear a baseball cap and sunglasses. Keep looking at your watch. Earphones help too.
- Mr. Meat Head gives you a dirty look? F ’em! Stop looking at him.
- Rude prepper kicks your water bottle over? F ’em! Ignore him and keep pressing.
- Bubble butt yoga pants girl snubs you with IOCs? F ’em! Remember what you learned about wimmin from Rollo et al.
- Sweaty jock boy on the cycle looks at you out of the corner of his eye and shakes his head with disgust? F ’em! Snap your towel and pick up speed.
- Boisterous gym bros monopolize the bench press and won’t give you a turn? F ’em! Work on something else and make a note of coming back at a time when they’re not there.
- Too much bad sportsmanship, derision, disrespect, etc., for you to handle? F ’em ALL!!! Go find another gym, team, etc.
The point here is not to develop an antisocial attitude, but to stay focused on your goal/purpose. Whether the gym is full of people or if you are there all alone, you are there for you alone. You are there to achieve your own goals. You’re NOT there to garner attention and win a popularity contest.
If you make acceptance, good feelings, or popularity into a goal, then you’re making things much more difficult than they need to be. Rightly considered, popularity should be considered to be a proof and not a goal. Very few men can make social provenance into a realistically achievable goal in and of itself.
Let us not become slaves to the opinions of others.
Do your own thing, choose your endeavors wisely, follow the Flow, and let time and practice reveal your expertise.
Related
- Σ Frame (Jack, Scott): Trajectories (2020 February 28)
- Σ Frame (Jack): How to Develop an Attitude of Detachment (2020-7-10)
- Σ Frame (Jack, Ed Hurst): A Conversation About Human Potential and Purpose (2020 September 4)
- Σ Frame (Jack): Entering Manhood (Rite of Passage) (2021-6-18)
- Σ Frame (Red Pill Apostle): Rethinking Rites of Passage From a Biblical Perspective (2021-7-12)
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Σ Frame 
Remember that list that I made of things I still want to do from a few posts back? It wasn’t supposed to be funny. I will get those things done, or die before I do.
You know how I do it? I use my imagination to visualize, with as much detail as possible — me getting them done. Then, I calculate all the steps from this point until that, and start on step one. And I never stop until I get there (or die). I do not care what anyone else thinks about the goals. I do not think about what might happen to stop me.
That’s it.
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Scott wrote,
This is essentially what I do too. I take a moment to cement the idea in my mind, lay out a rough schedule of events and timeframes, and what I’ll have to do to make it happen, and somehow, that sticks in my subconscious and shapes other decisions I make along the way. Sure enough, it get’s done. I’ve earned three degrees with this mindset, among many other minor accomplishments.
The power of the mind is amazing! Here’s one trick I’ve learned. At times when I need to wake up really early (like around 4:00 a.m.) in order to start the day, I’ll go to bed well before 10:00 p.m. the night before, and just before I lie down in bed, I’ll slap the pillow three times and say, “I’m going to wake up at 4:00 a.m.!” Somehow, I’ll wake up at 3:58 a.m., just before the alarm rings. I don’t know how many times I’ve done this, but it happens every time, and it never fails to amaze me. Again, the power of the mind is amazing!
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I’ve done that for about a week before. Like 5 minutes early.
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This is a great mindset to have. Fortunately most folks at the gym are also self-conscious and/or focused on their own workouts, so they don’t usually care about what you’re doing unless you’re (a) super buff, or (b) doing something super dangerous. Remembering that can help regain detachment should you lose it whilst at the gym.
BUT, if you continue to struggle with this when early on in your gym journey, consider going with a gym rat who knows what they’re doing. Chances are you know at least one person who is really fit, and if you’ve chosen your friends well, they want to see you improve and will let you go with them. Most gym bros want to see you succeed as long as you’re respectful of their workouts.
Going together helps both of you. From your perspective, your buddy will distract you from the negative attention you may get and force you to interact with him, detaching from the broader gym population. You’ll also be learning from someone who is already accepted at that gym, so the respect other meatheads have for him will slowly transfer to you as you show yourself to be serious about getting stronger. He benefits because you’re allowing him to take a position of authority over you in the gym, and as has been discussed many times, men in positions of leadership/authority reap large rewards, from both other men and from bubble butt yoga pants girl.
While what I’m talking about does not START with detachment, it will help build a foundation that gets you comfortable with the environment, leading to detachment. It’s hard to be detached when you’re starting out because you are plagued with insecurities around your skillset, the process you’re following, etc. Gaining at least a modicum of familiarity for a specific environment will make it easier to adopt the “screw ’em” attitude long-term without looking like a jerk. This goes beyond just the gym too — whether it’s talking to women, working out, or learning a new skill, focusing on growth especially with a mentor will make you less sensitive to unhelpful criticism, real or perceived.
Bottom line: Don’t be concerned about what others think about you because (1) they really don’t, and (2) you’re at a different stage in the journey. If you still are, act like girls going to the bathroom: take a friend because there’s safety in numbers.
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Just a quick point of contention. I have now seen two men in the last two hours use the word “journey” (like “fitness journey” or “gym journey”) which drives me absolutely bonkers.
That’s how women talk. I am not blaming or judging. This is an example of how feminized EVERYTHING is. It has infected even our choice of words. We must go full-on toxic masculinity to combat it, in our everyday choices, even words.
It’s just “getting in shape.” “Hitting the gym.” “Getting off my @ss and stop being such a lard @ss.” Or whatever. It’s not a journey.
Carry on.
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Alright. Odyssey, then.
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One euphemism that I’ve heard for working out that I really like is “knuckling”, as in (a) “hard knuckle lift”, “white knuckling”, “Knuckle that iron!”, and the verb, “knuckle up/down”.
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I think the thing that bothers me about “journey” and other derivatives is it conveys a sense of grandiosity or self-importance to the task of which the aura is off-putting. Like get over yourself. You are JUST another person getting in shape, which you should have done a LONG time ago. It’s not like you are trekking across the untamed American west fighting off Indians and mountain lions on your way to stake your claim in the name of civilization and taming the frontier. Its an air-conditioned gym with a protein/juice bar and hot yoga instructors.
Women are more prone to this “jouney-izing” it due to solipsism. It makes it sound so dramatic and begs the people (mostly girlfriends) to gush with comments about how brave they are.
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And just like that, my name became “ScottScott.”
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Scott,
You know how in French you say bonjour, and in Italian you say buongiorno? They both mean “good journey”. A journey is just a long trip from point a to point b. It doesn’t imply danger.
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In English, we say, “Later dude.”
“Journey” has a way more weighty feeling to it in American English.
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Okay. Think about the word “journeyman”. Does that mean you’re slaying dragons?
Obviously not. It just means you’re on a long trip from point a (apprentice) to point b (master).
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I actually find “journeyman” to be a funny sounding term for “person who has completed their apprenticeship and is now working in the field they chose”
The bottom line is, calling getting in shape a “journey,” using American vernacular would strike my grandparents as unnecessarily dramatic, which is the point I am making about feminization.
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I also think “landlord” is funny, for the same reason. It is a language artifact that makes the relationship between property owner and renter sound like a serfdom.
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Alright. Odyssey it is, then. It doesn’t get any manlier than you and your son murdering your faithful wife’s lowlife suitors.
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As soon as I got out of college, I began lifting religiously — possibly literally, because as a hardcore procrastinator, it’s usually a sign that God is urging me to do something when I stick to it. I believe He wanted to help repair my decimated self-esteem — it’s certainly helped — but I also feel that it’ll contribute to something bigger in the future. Time will tell.
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The whole “I’m pretty sure I am destined to something [important/great/for God]” thing definitely is motivating. I hate admitting it, because it sounds narcissistic, but I can’t shake a similar feeling that I have had for years.
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Not going to lie… I had LastMod’s mentality way back when I weighed 378lbs. I felt like a big ugly monster and was definitely intimidated by all those Men and Women who looked like fitness models. But like the Jack mentioned… determination was key. That and the attitude of “do things my way.”
Back in 2007 when I weighed that much, it was by the grace of God that an Anytime Fitness opened up across the street from where I work. A lot of gyms, like L.A. Fitness, close at 10pm… so having a gym that was open 24 hours, and knowing I got off work around 1 a.m. back then… it was a no-brainer. I had the whole gym to myself, so no one could see my looking like a behemoth as I slugged it out on the treadmill.
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Sounds like you did the work. That’s what counts.
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“The Jack” — I like that. It has a nice ring, and it sets me apart from all the other Jacks all over the place.
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Those are great tips. Focus on yourself because that’s what everyone else is doing. Merely wearing headphones sends the message that you are focusing on your workout and not there to socialize. (I’ve been using Bluetooth headphones for years and don’t know what I’d do without them . . . not sure what I’d do without my huge Spotify workout playlist.)
I’ve worked out at various gyms since around 1978 — YMCAs, a hardcore gym that had guys who competed in Mr. America and serious powerlifting competitions, college gym, and the 24 Hour Fitness chain when we were in Houston (they had clubs all over town, which was handy). I’m trying to think of people who were jerks but none come to mind. Just go in, smile, follow gym etiquette, and do your thing. And go out of your way to encourage others. I’m glad to see out-of-shape people there because I know it must be hard for them. I’ve also been perfecting my home gym since the late 80’s and use it exclusively now. The gyms give a little more energy, I suppose, but the cost and time savings of working at home make it preferable.
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P.S. Mrs. EM and I use the same philosophy with ballroom dancing (our empty-nest hobby). We did it for fun, but it turned out to be great exercise and an interesting complement to lifting. We just compete with ourselves and try to keep getting better. The studios we’ve danced at have had lots of supportive people, and we’ve made many friends. I’m sure things get competitive at some places, but we haven’t had an issue with that.
Again, I try to encourage others, especially new people, because it can be very humbling to learn to dance. But I’ve seen many people just come for fun and then surprise themselves by losing lots of weight. They went from doing nothing to doing something, which makes all the difference. I love to work out hard, but my simple advice for people is to exercise a little more, eat a little less and eat a little healthier. Those small things can change your life in a hurry.
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Agree! It’s one thing I appreciate about the folks at my gym. I’d estimate at least 90% have their ear buds in and they’re focused on maximizing their workout. It gives the place an aura of “We’re all here to get better.” When I do see a ‘gabby’ person in the gym, it seems so out of place.
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English please. Dumb as whale excrement here.
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Most of the post is a description of how to do that.
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Once again, note that you called yourself “Dumb as whale excrement.” No one else said you were “Dumb as whale excrement.”
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I’ve never had a problem at the gym. A lot of the emotions are jealousy. Some of the guys are ripped, with foxes following them around. I’m so celibate, I’m losing it when you don’t use it! And I would look really good if I lost 30 lbs. I run or lift every week up to 5 days sometimes. Always wear headphones and a dew rag.
The thots spreading their @sses and tits shamelessly is a distraction. I am working out and they just walk up and spread that thing for me in every direction possible. It’s hard to understand how low their self-esteem is.
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