Cutting through the hype and fluff, there is not much to be enjoyed about the prospect of courtship and marriage, unless you are holding out for the moment when you can trust God to catch you.
Tangled and Jaded in Lies
The overly revered line of the marriage vow, “Until death do us part”, is now cliché, and has lost its meaning, but the commitment is truly meant to be an indissolvable bond reaching to the pall of the grave. Moreover, one’s conduct in a marriage has eternal consequences. It is, “for better or for worse”, and NOT, “only for MY best”, as modern society has grown to accept.
In an effort to correct this moral lapse, Cane Caldo, Dalrock (Category: Death of Courtship), Deep Strength, Donal Graeme, and Free Northerner, have written about Biblical Models of Courtship. Dalrock has addressed Chivalry and the model of Courtly Love, and has argued that this model is not Christian, nor is it Biblical. Deep Strength has written extensively on the Biblically based expectations of Marriage and Divorce. Very few other Manosphere authors have undertaken a serious approach towards marriage.
So far, these authors have placed a primary focus on debunking the false teachings of Feminist-influenced Churchianity, such as Dobsonism, Wilsonism, Chandlerism, and other variations of the same antique gynocentric lies. The destruction caused by these lies are as subtle as they are magnificent. Not only are women less happy than they were two decades ago, but the rise of MRA and MGTOW over the past decade, indicates that men are losing control of their relationships, and suffering as well.
While the admissibility of these author’s arguments, and the present day applicability of their conclusions, might stand in variance with the beliefs of many readers, I believe everyone should agree that the institution of marriage should be taken as a gravely serious matter.
Getting Back to the Basics
While sharpening our wits to discern heresy and error is indeed very important, we must not overlook, or fail to emphasize, the most important point of the matter, which would be the proper approach to courtship and marriage. It is noteworthy to review this again, because of the pandemic perpetuation of ideological and spiritual corruption, which has been made obvious by the decline of marriage as a revered institution.
Sex and Marriage is a matter to be considered with all seriousness. Jesus gave it to us pretty straight.
9 “And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery.”
10 His disciples said to Him, “If such is the case of the man with his wife, it is better not to marry.” ~ Matthew 19:9-10
It is known that the contents of the scriptures are largely condensed accounts of the events which inspired them. With that in mind, I have often suspected that Jesus’ full length, unabridged sermon describing wimminz and marriage, which is only alluded to in the disciples’ conclusion given in verse 10, probably included much of the standard RP fare, including hypergamy and the 80/20 rule in excruciating detail. If true, this would fully support the disciples’ reactionary statements.
Given all the hassle and risk surrounding any relationship with a woman, under what circumstances would it be advisable or beneficial for a person to marry?
8 But I say to the unmarried and to the widows: It is good for them if they remain [single] even as I am; 9 but if they cannot exercise self-control, let them marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion. ~ 1st Corinthians 7:8-9
So basically, if I’m understanding this right, you’re ready for marriage when you just can’t keep your pants on any longer, no matter how hard you try to resist the temptation – and that is the key point. It’s when your will power (to honor God by remaining pure) becomes overruled by your passions (or libido).
So how might this situation come about?
“Biblical” Models of Courtship
Being aware of the general dynamics of the courtship model one is engaging in should significantly enhance one’s successes in achieving the type of relationship desired, minimizing marital conflict, and reducing the chances of marital catastrophe in the future.
According to my reading of the Bible, “courtship” (a term I’ll use loosely here) comes in basically three brands.
- “Love” – Passionate, blind, feral instincts: e.g. Jacob and Rachel, David and Bathsheba, Amnon and Tamar. Also, ONS’s, hook-ups, etc. which develop into LTR’s might fall into this category.
- Arranged – The union is proscribed by parents, family, authorities, a decree, or by social customs, such as Judaic law: e.g. Jacob and Leah, Ruth, and Esther, Chinese filial piety, Indian match maker, etc.
- Contrived – God plays a direct or indirect part in bringing two people together. e.g. Isaac and Rebecca,
These three courtship styles are discussed in the following three sections.
“Love” – The Passionate Hope and Deceptive Ruin of Humanity
I hesitate to label the first type, “Love”, because the word is so clichéd and abused in meaning, and so it becomes difficult to think about this model objectively. Also, the word “Love” can be interpreted in a variety of ways, which further compounds the confusion.
Anyway, the “Love” approach is fairly well known to have intensive thrills, but also catastrophic, or at least, problem-laden consequences. But I know that for certain people, this method has been shown to work, merely because they have a combination of the following personal qualities or social skills.
- They have a sufficient degree of maturity.
- They have good social skills.
- They are confident, and willing to accept responsibility for their actions.
- They have a good sense of discernment, and they trust their senses.
- They have a good intuitive knowledge of what is going to work for them.
- They know exactly what they want and how to get it.
- They know how to handle themselves in a relationship, so that they can make it come out the way they want.
Now in order to be successful with this model, one needs to have a strong command of the above qualities. To gain these qualities, one needs to have a long history of practice in honing and refining their spiritual maturity and social skills. This is not easy. The lack of personal integrity and fortitude, as well as not being well grounded in reality, is where spoiled princesses and idealistic white knights fail in Love.
Although mature, well developed people can find success and even contentment through this approach, this is not to say that this is the most God-honoring stratagem for finding a mate. It would be better to say that any longitudinal success achieved through this venue comes only by the grace of God. If one were to study the Biblical examples cited above, one would find ample support for such a conclusion.
Arranged – A Traditional, Time Honored Path to Marital Stability
Concerning the second model of Courtship, Arranged, please consider the graph below depicting Rubin’s Love scale versus Love and Arranged Marriages, taken from a study done on couples in India, where arranged marriages are commonplace. Here, a Love Marriage may correspond to the first type of courtship listed above.
In this figure, it is evident that the 2-5 year mark is a significant milestone in a marriage, because both types of marriages show a change in the reported attitudes. The satisfaction of a Love Marriage drops off precipitously at the 2-5 year period, whereas, that of the Arranged Marriage levels off.
Although I loathe to admit it, it appears as though an Arranged Marriage promises a better marital outcome than natural attraction, AKA “Love”.
Contrived – An ancient, yet novel, approach towards Love
In the third style of courtship, the relationship is Contrived by God when the movement of the Holy Spirit brings two people together. A person can recognize this when they feel spiritually alive and empowered by the glory of God whenever they are together.
Speaking of marital success, the Contrived nuptial would probably be a fail safe bet, provided that one had the discernment to recognize it as sent by God, and the discipline to stick it through. But most people don’t even know what this looks like.
My readers should not jump to the conclusion that this is the same as “waiting for the ONE”, but rather more akin to “becoming the ONE” that someone could possibly fall in love with. This is done by developing both your external and internal potential. Maximize your SMV. Preserve your MMV. Honor, love, and obey God, and trust God to develop you into His image, and have faith that He will work your life circumstances to your advantage.
Isaac and Rebecca is actually a combination of models two and three. Abraham arranged for Isaac to marry a non-specific distant cousin within his family, but God chose the specific woman by answering the servant’s prayer.
I know some of my readers are tempted to become cynical about my description of a courtship Contrived by God, so I’ll go further here.
In my osmotic experience of finding “love”, which has been fraught with many heartaches and disappointments, I have come to regard one passage in scripture which (to me) really concatenates the experience of “falling in love”, with that of trusting in Divine providence. In essence, this juxtaposes the first and third model in the original list. I have also come to believe that this same approach works in modern times, just as well as ancient.
Men and women could best depend on God to find a Love relationship partner by obeying Solomon’s injunction to the virgins of ancient Israel:
“I charge you, O daughters of Jerusalem, Do not stir up nor awaken love Until it pleases.”
Remarkably, this charge is repeated three times in the Song of Solomon, 2:7, 3:5, and 8:4. In my formal studies of the Bible, one thing I learned is that if something is repeated three times in scripture, it is of the gravest importance!
Note that Solomon’s injunction was directed at young women, not older women or men. Think, those college-aged girls at the peak of their SMV. Apparently, young, nubile females are in control of this game, and that’s where this game will be won or lost. Young ladies must therefore get their act together. Furthermore, parents and teachers also need to nurture young ladies to be marriage minded, and discourage them from attending college, where they would surely only defile themselves with premarital adulteries, and lose every characteristic that a potential husband would find attractive in them.
In the Bible Gateway footnotes for the above verses, the word ‘charge’ has an alternate translation of ‘adjure’. The word adjure really manifests the importance of this verse, as it means, to entreat, request, charge, bind, or command earnestly and solemnly, often under oath or the threat of a penalty (Merriam Webster).
Western society is now witnessing the ‘penalties’ referred to here, in the form of large scale sexual immorality, marital fraud, frivorce, divorce theft, premarital and extramarital cuckolding, children growing up in broken homes, as well as the increased level of unhappiness of both males and females, no matter whether they are single or in relationships.
The Real Problem
Commenters might engage in endless arguments about how one model is better, or more “Godly”, or more preferable than another for whatever reasons. But if we zoom out to the larger Frame, we find that our individual preferences and expectations are the real problem. That is to say, the root of the real problem in accepting and implementing any of these three models of courtship, is the general desire to hold expectations about how things ‘ought’ to be, according to one’s own belief system or personal liking.
When young people get notions of “love” into their heads, along with any of the common tropes of courtship offered by Hollywood, media, or even well-meaning “Christian romance” authors, they get lost in fantasy land, and thereby miss the everyday opportunities to suffer for the sake of righteousness, build Godly character in the crucible of life, stoke their spiritual passions, and prepare themselves for the real thing.
Perhaps arranged marriages are so fruitful simply because it removes the mysterious elements of ambitious fantasies and astronomical anticipations, and allows individuals to be more authentic.
It should be noted that the third type of courtship, Contrived, is extremely rare, and I think that it’s not because of God’s inaction, but rather people’s unwillingness to walk the razor thin line between resisting lustful fantasies, and controlling themselves over the period of time they have to wait for God to move. Most people can’t do it. Honestly, how many people can say that they waited to have sex until they totally cracked? How many people have been so passionate, and tempted so severely, that they lost control of themselves and were forced to trust God with their sex life and their choice of a partner?
Many people who arrive at this state, who truly cannot keep a lid on their sexual passion, are usually not in the mindset to get married at that point. Instead, they are only looking to maximize their carousel or plate spinning expertise. The prideful ego, the shamefully open SMP, and the high risk, low opportunity MMP, are mostly to blame for this strong reticence towards making a commitment.
Even among those who can honestly say that they waited with determination not to have sex as aforementioned, how many of them actually chose and stayed with the man or woman who was ‘God’s first choice’ of a Contrived partner for them? Or were they even aware of it?
For many, accepting God’s choice can be a hard and bitter pill to swallow. Some people find it easier if they are propelled by youthful ignorance and a healthy libido, while others find God’s will to be more acceptable to their tastes after they have lost the strength of libido present in their youth. Different strokes for different folks.
But either way, those who are jaded and dissipated from years of sexual promiscuity will invariably find it very difficult and challenging, if not impossible, to achieve a joyfully rapturous consummation in marriage.
Libido = 1 / Sexual Promiscuity
“More the promiscuity lesser the libido, lesser the promiscuity more the libido.” ~ Wayne
[Eds. note: On an interesting side, a high libido in women is extremely attractive to men, whereas, a high libido in men is a turn off to most women. I suspect this is the main reason why Roissy argues that promiscuity damages women’s MMV a lot more than it hurts men.]
On the other side of the fence are the people who are not yet capable of making the most of their faith and their SMV to spill their load with reckless abandon. They will come up with a plethora of objections before they arrive at that state. These individuals have a lot of red flags pop into their minds, characterized by heated objections starting with, “But that’s not… (fill in the blank with your carefully rationalized objection)!” Or alarming questions starting with, “What if… (fill in the blank with your worst case scenario)?”
Either of these two types of people need to take another step back in the reframe, and recognize that this hesitancy and doubt is caused by a fear of trusting God with an unknown variable in an equation for which the result is of the utmost importance to them, which they are not willing to put up for stakes in a gamble on the grace of God. Yet, they might still choose to believe that they can engineer their life better than God can, and they can be deeply offended when anyone should point out how vain and ridiculous such a claim is.
Ego = 1 / Knowledge
“More the knowledge lesser the ego, lesser the knowledge more the ego.” ~ Albert Einstein
Compare the pursuit of ego gratification to Solomon’s command – the direct opposite stance.
“Do not stir up nor awaken love Until it pleases.”
In other words, stoke up your libido by resisting sexual temptations. Increase your spiritual worth by swallowing your pride and submitting to God. Enhance your desirability by developing your SMV (men) and preserving your MMV (women). Do this until Love comes knocking at your door. It might even turn out to be God’s choice of a partner for you!
Just take a few moments and think about what that means, and whether it might be worth the effort to explore the truth behind it, and possibly discover a transformation of your spiritual-socio-sexual experience for the better.
I pray it’s not too late for you to discover authentic joy through finding God’s will realized in your life.
- Biblical Gender Roles: Can you follow the courtship model without the support of Christian parents? (September 27, 2018)
- Biblical Gender Roles: What is the difference between courting and dating? (September 29, 2018)