Why is finding sexual compatibility so frustrating?
Readership: Christians; Married Men; Men called to Marriage;
Theme: Feminine Submission
Length: 1,300 words
Reading Time: 7 minutes
Warning: This post contains sexually descriptive language.
Sexually Mismatched?
Under Roundup on Attraction and Marital Sanctification (2022-9-2), Joe2 writes,
“Rowena’s response is a one way street. She states, “After marriage, you have to learn what pleases your wife (how to arouse her).” That’s fine, but shouldn’t the man expect the woman to reciprocate?
I found (from my experience) it’s very likely that the woman will not reciprocate and has no interest in ensuring that I’m satisfied or even able to maintain my arousal so I can complete intercourse. It’s all up to me to do that. So while she may offer her body, she has no interest in ensuring that I’ll be successful.”
Some women are not very aggressive in the bedroom. They won’t initiate sexual activity and they’re not proactive about dressing to entice, or giving handjobs, headjobs, and such. But this doesn’t mean they’re not sexually interested or sexually aroused. I’d describe their behavioral role as being passive and receptive, and their mindset as wanting to be a man’s sexual plaything. They feel loved and get their kicks out of being the object of the man’s desire, rather than by self-gratuitously dominating and f—king the hәll out of the man. IOW, they are submissive in the bedroom.
Case Study — Jack and Jill
My wife is this way (the passive and receptive “Romantic Type”, according to Jaiya’s Blueprints given below) but she’s still quite a fireball of passion. To give you an idea of how this works, our sexual routine goes something like this. I have to wait for the right timing (after dusk at the end of a nice day) and do quite a bit of work to get her in the mood (dominant, proactive frame game, talking casually about light topics, physical / sensual flirting, and foreplay). But once she’s “there”, she eagerly and frantically (and sometimes suddenly) mounts up and becomes a wild galloping cowgirl! All the sheets become entangled and the pillows thrown about, and the bed slowly inches across the room until it’s banging against the opposite wall. After about an hour, she’s sweaty, exhausted, and spent, so then she dismounts and says, “Your turn!” She rolls over with her butt up in the air and begs me for a hardcore doggy romping. When I want her to have another Big O explosion, all I have to do is bite her ear or place my hands around her neck. Another hour later after I’ve shot 2 or 3 loads, I’m exhausted, but she’s still crying for more d!ck! And this lasts all night and through the next morning! After all this, we’re satisfied for at least 2-3 days.
In sum, she’s like a giant steam engine that takes a long while to warm up under specific conditions, but once she’s up and running, she can move mountains (and furniture). She needs to be in a good mood. This is what warms her up. She wants to be desired and objectified until she loses control. This is what turns her on. Then she needs to be dominated and subjugated until she’s quivering in humility. This is what gets her off. The setting, the mood, the order, and the timing is very important for making her proud heart pop open in a flood of jism.
It took me a while (2-3 years) to figure out how to pump her fountain of sexual desire enough for me to drink from it, but my ability to master her body makes me the central force figure of our sexual interaction. I’m the man who has mastered her complex sexual desire. This is what satisfies her, and it’s also what sanctifies her. The result is that I truly “own” her heart and body. She doesn’t want any other man, and we can both be confident of that.
Over time, she’s become more willing to “try new things” when she’s not in the mood, like impromptu quickies at random times and places, but it’s hard for her to orgasm and feel satisfied with this. IOW, she does it just for me, simply because I am her “master” and “owner” and she is content to let me have my way with her.
Erotic Blueprints
There is a “sex therapist” by the name of Jaiya who came up with “5 Erotic Blueprints”. It’s worth checking out, so here’s a video of her giving an overview.
As you can see from Jaiya and Ian’s interaction in the video, opposites attract in certain regards. Jaiya is a very sexually aggressive woman. So she naturally “fits” with the man (Ian) who is more fluid, passive, and “sensitive”.
If you are more of a sexually introverted man, then a sexually aggressive woman will bring out your softer emotional passivity. But if you are a more dominant man, then a passive type woman will be drawn to you and want to be your sexual plaything. Two very sexually aggressive people will awkwardly lock horns, and two passive types will never get it done. Comprehensively, what we can learn from Jaiya is that an inability or unwillingness to make mutual adjustments to the other’s natural erotic blueprint can be frustrating.
A lot of men imagine that they want a woman who is perpetually aroused and erotically simple. That is to say, she initiates lovemaking, so all he has to do is sit back and let her work on the rod for a while, give her a f—k, and she comes on the spot. She feels loved and is humbly grateful to have had a good d!ck. This does happen in the happiest of relationships, but as Jayna’s analysis elucidates, most women are not that simple, and when you think about it, having this expectation is rather naïve, myopic, and self-centered. OTOH, I think most women are not as sexually complex as my wife. The truth is, every woman is different. If you get used to one woman’s style, it can be dissatisfying or disappointing to try to get used to another woman’s style.
This can be a source of sexual frustration and grave disappointment, or even a turn-off, if the man or woman has had a previous sexual relationship with a lover having a drastically different erotic blueprint from the current partner. Sexperienced Men tend to get stuck on the more sexually aggressive women and then they get frustrated and impatient with a passive woman because they never learned how to work on dominating a woman in the bedroom. They think the juice isn’t worth the squeeze. Viewing p0rn can also train a man’s sexpectations to prefer a more aggressive woman, because the most memorable p0rn starlets are the sexually aggressive types.
How does this relate to Sanctification?
Women sometimes complain about how men want to marry a woman who is very sexually conservative, but then want her to be a p0rn star in the bedroom. Women who say things to this effect already know what their erotic blueprint is, and they are pointing out that it is unrealistic or unreasonable for men to expect them to change from one blueprint to another at the flip of a switch (upon marriage). But the truth is that Men want a woman with no past experience (a virgin) who they can open up for the first time and teach her how to be a sexual animal for his horny house pet, and thereby sanctify her unto himself.
What women don’t understand (or don’t want to accept) is that their youthful virgin body is the most outstanding gift they could possibly give to their husband (and to God). What men don’t understand is that there is more to sanctification than merely having a submissive young virgin wife. You have to master her body and her heart’s desire and make her your own.
Related
- Σ Frame: Sexual Compatibility is dependent on Sanctification (2020-3-2)
- Σ Frame: Sanctification and Sexual Compatibility (2020-6-19)
- Σ Frame: Towards a more complete appreciation of Sanctification (2022-1-10)
- Σ Frame: Harnessing the Motivations of Others (2022-4-20)
- Σ Frame: Pursuing Flow to develop Confidence and Trust (2022-4-22)
- Σ Frame: Sexual Authority and Sanctification (2022-8-8)
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Σ Frame 
I think a prime problem here is men not knowing women and women not knowing themselves.
First, a lot of women don’t know themselves sexually. They don’t know what they like sexually, or what turns them on, or what they respond to, or anything else. Despite the fact that the modern Western woman has had more sex with more different men than any other women in all of human history, she still doesn’t really know what gets her off or even what kinds of men she really likes.
In sum, she’s like a giant steam engine that takes a long while to warm up under specific conditions, but once she’s up and running, she can move mountains (and furniture).
Yeah, no. That dog don’t hunt. That’s a restatement of the Churchian “women are slow cookers” BS they tell unattractive men married to women who never really wanted them. If you’re married to a “steam engine” or a “slow cooker”, you’re married to a woman who isn’t sexually attracted to you and probably never really was.
The second problem is men not knowing this stuff about women and then being surprised or caught off guard when they get the sexual responses they do, either very favorable or very lackluster.
All women have the “sex machine” blueprint. The problem is most of them can’t attract a man who knows how to turn that machine on. If they can attract such a man, he doesn’t stick around for more than a few months because he can run many such machines and he doesn’t have to put up with this particular one’s breakdowns and malfunctions. When it inevitably does break down and goes into the shop, he’s gone.
Moreover, women don’t even know their own machines. They own these simple little engines and have no idea how to run them, much less to tell someone else how. Most women just sit around waiting for a Perfect Man to show up and run her machine for her. Most women end up with a man who knows how to run maybe 20% of what her machine will do.
The issue here is not different kinds of sexual responses from women. The issue here is women just not being all that attracted to most men and women ending up with men who don’t know how to run ANY machines, much less the one he bought.
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And expecting “Mr. Perfect” to show up who not only has and does EVERYTHING we’ve written about on our various posts (Six 6s, LAMPS, etc) BUT also one who knows how to push “all the right buttons” sexually in the bedroom with no input from her whatsoever, i.e. telling him what turns her on; IOW he’s just supposed to “know” intuitively how to turn her on Every.Single.Time.
Modern society has programmed women to believe this man is “out there” somewhere, hence the incredibly high ideals and standards women hold on men. Even after they’ve hit the wall, many women don’t want to lower these standards to something a bit more reasonable, and that includes how he performs in the bedroom. Not totally blaming the women, because society has “sold” them on this from the time they were little girls, Disney and all that. Sky high expectations leads to huge disappointment when reality does not conform to “fantasy.”
Plus with the high body counts, the women have probably gotten something close to what they want sexually in the aggregate of the men they’ve been with, i.e. “Jerry was so romantic, Fred had the magic fingers, Paul had the perfect length, Jason the perfect girth, Tim knew how to pound me just right into mind blowing orgasms, Mark was the master of many positions, Chris was sooooo incredibly kinky, and so forth.”
What chance does Betabucks Zach stand when he tries to pleasure his 32 year old wife Katie who stood him up during high school, but now has come “back to him?” She wants him to put a ring on her finger, a baby in her belly, and give her an unlimited expense account. Oh and yes, looks the other way when she goes out with her friends for “girls night out” because she needs to “relieve the stress” from her boring, suburban lifestyle or downtown luxury condo.
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Average women do not deserve or will they get the top %5 of men that they lust after. They will either pick an average guy and stay with him or die alone. There are no other options. Many cute girls at church married average or below men happily and young because of their faith and they don’t want the carousel. Only a few studs and they got the very highest attractiveness young women.
Their unrealistic expectations makes them terrible wives no matter what the man looks like. They don’t submit to Chad but for a moment not a life time I can promise you that.
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As a woman, I respectfully ask a question to the men in this forum. I ask only to understand things from a man’s point of view.
There is a lot of talk about body count of a woman. Higher the body count, worse the chance of pair bonding and greater chance of divorce. I am assuming that means number of men she slept with. Or is it number of times she has had sex?
Just asking – as assuming there is a girl LIKE Jill (not above Jill who is married) who has a relationship with a boyfriend like the above post. She has a sexual relationship with this man like above. So – after 10 years of being with this man – they break up.
Technically, she has a body count of ONE. In a committed relationship with ONE guy. For 10 YEARS. Would this make her better wife material than the girl with 5 one night stands over same 10 YEARS?
Obviously, she likes and enjoys sex. So one would think that she could replicate this with a future husband.
As a woman, I feel any man who FOLLOWED the boyfriend would find it challenging to generate that kind of attraction. Which is why I feel once virginity is lost, it is just a question of chance (God’s grace) and your ability to generate that attraction.
In the above context, does body count really matter? Once she has lost her virginity, does having a low body count mean anything? It just means she gave it up without a ring for a fewer NUMBER of men than others (maybe more number of TIMES than others). Is that a worthwhile metric of measurement?
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Rowena,
Good point! I understand “body count” to be a term that refers to a woman’s past sexual history in general. It’s known that higher count is worse for bonding. I would think more sex for a longer time with the same man would have a similar effect, but I’ve not seen any data on this.
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@ Rowena
https://ifstudies.org/blog/counterintuitive-trends-in-the-link-between-premarital-sex-and-marital-stability
http://socialpathology.blogspot.com/2012/03/promiscuity-data-guest-post.html
The studies show that number of sexual partners for women is fairly correlated to divorce risk.
There’s various working theories, but the most prevalent seems to be that the higher the number of sexual partners the more comparisons she has to make toward her husband. Thus, if her husband doesn’t measure up in some way to partner #1, 2, 3, 4, etc up to say 10 (n count = 10) in various different areas then she is more likely to be dissatisfied and start disrespecting and/or rebelling. For instance, if #2 made 6 figures, #5 had an athletes muscular physique, and #7 had his own house, even though all of these are different people she will generally expect that her husband should have most if not all of those qualities.
This is why expectations seem to be sky high with women nowadays. They’re taking aggregate comparisons of lots of men they slept with and expect the next one (e.g. their husband) to have all of the best qualities of all of those men put together.
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Rowena,
Body count (for me) is a qualitative measure in the sense that someone who has utterly given themselves to one man for 10 years has, in many qualitative ways, a higher body count than one who had sex with four men just four times in 10 years. Since the ideal number is zero, it is still somewhat quantitative.
Widows and widowers have history too. I would imagine that you would compare your new spouse to your old one both consciously and subconsciously. That can’t be easy. Imagine if my wife died suddenly and I found another woman. My house would be full of relics of my first wife, constantly reminding me. What does a new wife do about this? Do a house cleaning, tossing all my old wife’s clothing away, all her knicknacks, and any reference to her? I don’t think a second wife can every be quite what a first wife is supposed to be, even when no one did anything wrong.
My younger brother and his wife never even dated anyone else and have been married for two decades with multiple kids. I would wish that fate on anyone.
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There is a lot of talk about body count of a woman. Higher the body count, worse the chance of pair bonding and greater chance of divorce. I am assuming that means number of men she slept with. Or is it number of times she has had sex?
It means the number of times she’s touched a penis or allowed a penis to touch her for the purpose of sexual gratification. It means sex. It means intercourse. It means her having done anything ending in the vernacular “-job”.
Just asking – as assuming there is a girl LIKE Jill (not above Jill who is married) who has a relationship with a boyfriend like the above post. She has a sexual relationship with this man like above. So – after 10 years of being with this man – they break up.
Technically, she has a body count of ONE. In a committed relationship with ONE guy. For 10 YEARS. Would this make her better wife material than the girl with 5 one night stands over same 10 YEARS?
Probably. It has to do with the woman’s attitude toward sex. A woman in one LTR over 10 years has a different attitude toward men and sex than a woman with 5 one night stands over those same 10 years.
As a woman, I feel any man who FOLLOWED the boyfriend would find it challenging to generate that kind of attraction. Which is why I feel once virginity is lost, it is just a question of chance (God’s grace) and your ability to generate that attraction.
No, not just “any” man. A sexually attractive man could generate that attraction, or even more attraction. The problem is that most women can’t get sexually attractive men to stick around.
In the above context, does body count really matter? Once she has lost her virginity, does having a low body count mean anything? It just means she gave it up without a ring for a fewer NUMBER of men than others (maybe more number of TIMES than others). Is that a worthwhile metric of measurement?
Low body count means something to men. It means it’s more likely I’m dealing with a woman who has a healthy attitude toward men, sex, and relationships. It means she has less baggage, less pain, less hurt, less frustration. It means she likes men and isn’t just looking for how she can use men and keep from being used by men. It means I’m probably dealing with a woman who is looking for a man for the long haul, for an actual relationship; and is not just looking for what she can extract from me.
Now, the problem here is her age. This is, or could be, a quintessential “leftover woman”. Women who end up single at 26-28 or so are in a real danger zone. A woman like this is dangerous because she’s looking to lock a man down right now. If she was with a man for at least 10 years, that means she’s in her mid to late 20s at the absolute youngest. That means the baby rabies are fulminating. It means her bio clock is roaring at her like a freight train. That means she could be just looking for a rebound man and get married off to him so she can reproduce and/or score points with the female herd.
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I agree with deti here. It’s more based on triggers for turn ons and turn offs.
Incidentally, alcohol is one of the big things for generally removing turn offs. The vast majority of women who aren’t slores have shields upon shields of always putting up resistance to sex (since so many men want it all the time, ‘denying’ is the default factory setting — you can get into evopsych stuff too with the valuable egg hypothesis). Getting rid of those to where she can be free with sexual desire can be reduced substantially by alcohol. Obviously, lowered inhibitions is the big one.
Most turn ons deal with typical dominance-based charisma or actual physical dominance:
~ Sexually suggestive, Flirty, Double innuendos
~ Dominant physical behavior such as the whole process of ravishing — pulling into deep kisses, pushing her up against a wall, etc.
It’s not so much slow cooker, but getting sex on the mind. Since womens’ brains are wired to having their thoughts co-mingled with emotions unlike men who can better compartmentalize, once sex is on the mind the feelings that come with it naturally follow.
The only thing that is like a ‘slow cooker’ per se is that the escalation continuum — from flirting/mental foreplay to actual foreplay then sex and such. But if a woman is sexually attracted the switch can flip like that. It doesn’t necessarily need to be a slow process.
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Love Deti’s comment on operating the sex machine.
[Jack: Edited for clear reference.]
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I aims to please.
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Thank you Ramman3000 and Jack sir for your input
I agree that widows come with history too. After 20 years of marriage – I cannot imagine the trauma a widow goes through which is why I think God has a special heart for widows and mentions them so often in the Bible
But I think there is a difference between a widow and a woman who has had premarital sex for many years on end. A widow had “God-ordained, God- approved, sanctified physical intimacy” with her HUSBAND. Not the case with the long term BOYFRIEND!!!!
A Christian man / woman MAY slip into sin for a while but it is my personal experience that when we sin, conscience and Holy Spirit is relentless in bringing us to confession, repentance and reconciliation to God. A CONTINUED willingness to engage in sinful behaviours suggests not a callused but a hardened conscience.
In my opinion, a woman who has been in a long term sexual relationship with a man who is NOT her husband – is rejecting the work of the Holy Spirit in her life. This must be considered before marrying such a woman
At the end of day – we are judged by our fruit. Body count is one metric to see if a woman is suitable for a relationship of sexual monogamy (which is what Christian marriage is). Just saying a low body count may not necessarily indicate GREATER RELIABILITY. If anything, it shows a hardened heart to sin. That is more dangerous than number of sexual partners she has.
That is my opinion. I was just wondering how MEN felt. That is why I asked the question.
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I agree that widows come with history too. After 20 years of marriage – I cannot imagine the trauma a widow goes through which is why I think God has a special heart for widows and mentions them so often in the Bible
He does. He wants and expects widows to remarry; and if they cannot, then to be sexually chaste and teach younger women as in Titus 2. When older women don’t have husbands, they tend toward sexual incontinence and toward idle gossip. They become nosy little busybodies trying to rule the roost wherever they are and trying to run everyone else’s lives. Husbands tend to keep wives in line and occupy them, keeping them about the business of their own houses instead of everyone else’s.
But I think there is a difference between a widow and a woman who has had premarital sex for many years on end. A widow had “God-ordained, God- approved, sanctified physical intimacy” with her HUSBAND. Not the case with the long term BOYFRIEND!!!!
There is. A widow had a husband she lived with and took care of. She committed to him. She might not have been the best at it, but she did make the commitment and she did carry it out.
In my opinion, a woman who has been in a long term sexual relationship with a man who is NOT her husband – is rejecting the work of the Holy Spirit in her life. This must be considered before marrying such a woman
Of course. But the long term nature of the relationship is an indicium of ability to commit and attitude toward men and relationships. That’s important to MEN. Might not be important to you, but its important to US.
At the end of day – we are judged by our fruit. Body count is one metric to see if a woman is suitable for a relationship of sexual monogamy (which is what Christian marriage is). Just saying a low body count may not necessarily indicate GREATER RELIABILITY. If anything, it shows a hardened heart to sin. That is more dangerous than number of sexual partners she has.
That is my opinion. I was just wondering how MEN felt. That is why I asked the question.
A low body count isn’t a perfect predictor. Nothing is. Lower body count is one piece of an overall picture. Lower body count is one piece of evidence of a healthier attitude toward men, sex, and relationships than does a history of failed relationships or a history of short termers, flings, and one-and-dones.
Body count is one piece of evidence. It’s an extremely important, heavily weighted piece of evidence. Overall, whether a woman is or could be a good marriage bet consists of a constellation of traits and characteristics, beyond the scope of this discussion.
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Thank you thedeti sir for your input
If I understand you correctly, men think a girl who has been with a boyfriend is more relationship oriented than a girl who is just bed hopping. The former comes with less baggage than the latter. Also the former shows more respect for men than the latter. Was that what you meant sir?
Another statement you made – A sexually attractive man could generate that attraction, or even more attraction.
About above statement – my assumption here is that a sexually attractive man is confident enough to generate that attraction from her.
But I was wondering if no matter how sexually attractive a man is – at some level does he not wonder if she is comparing him to the man before him (even if it was just one) or does it not bother him that he can never have her COMPLETELY. Or is it that for a man – if sex is good and she is committed – that is as good as it gets. Rest is just a plus. Or does he rationalise it saying ‘He has her NOW” and that is all that matters. Is that how men think?
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If I understand you correctly, men think a girl who has been with a boyfriend is more relationship oriented than a girl who is just bed hopping. The former comes with less baggage than the latter. Also the former shows more respect for men than the latter. Was that what you meant sir?
Maybe not so much respect for men as much as she likes men, wants a relationship with a man, understands men. I don’t care if she respects “men”. I care that she respects ME.
I was wondering if no matter how sexually attractive a man is – at some level does he not wonder if she is comparing him to the man before him (even if it was just one) or does it not bother him that he can never have her COMPLETELY. Or is it that for a man – if sex is good and she is committed – that is as good as it gets. Rest is just a plus. Or does he rationalise it saying ‘He has her NOW” and that is all that matters. Is that how men think?
Sexually attractive men who themselves have had many women before dont’ concern themselves too much with whether she’s comparing prior lovers to the one she has now.
What happens, and what causes the problems, and what causes men to question what’s going on with his woman, is that his woman is not giving him what she promised. It’s that she changes. It’s that the sex stops. It’s that the passion stops. Or it was never really there – what he saw was her playing false. She put on an act to get the commitment she wanted; and then when he’s locked in and locked down, she shows her true colors.
We men don’t care so much that others got to have you first. We care that we are getting now the same things that Chad got to have. If you represented yourself as being a sex machine for Chad, then you need to deploy that machine for me, in the same fashion that Chad got. I don’t care that Chad got to rent that machine; just so long as the machine I’m paying for performs for me the same way it performed for Chad. And if it doesn’t, then you lied to me, or you’re changing , and that’s not acceptable.
Put in more concrete terms: I don’t care that other men got to have you before. I care that I get to have you and that I’m not being prevented from what I want. I care that I get you now and that no one else does. I care that I get ALL of you, in the present, in the here and now. I care that you are honest with me and that I get all of what you represented yourself to me, to be.
That means that if you need to work Chad out of your system, then you get over him before you get to me. That means if you need to deal with some stuff because of other men, then you get it handled and dealt with before you get to me.
There are two things women do that ruin themselves and their relationships: They misrepresent themselves as something they’re not; and they change after they get a man committed.
See, we men take women at their words and actions; and we accept you just as you are. We take what you say and do at face value. How you come across, what you say and do – that’s what we believe you are. Words mean things. Words have specific meanings. What you do matters. When you say you’re X, we take that to mean you are, in fact, X, that you’re telling mostly the truth about that, that you’re not lying, and that that’s what you’ll continue to be. When you say you’re not-Y, we accept that as true – you’re not-Y, you’re being truthful about it, and you’ll continue to be not-Y.
And when you get a man to accept you for how you come across, that’s how he wants things to stay. Whatever you are when he commits, that’s what he wants. He wants you to stay just like that. He wants you not to change. He accepted a woman who is X and not-Y. He wants you to be X and not-Y. So, for the love of God, do not become Y and not-X. No. That’s not what he wanted. And that’s not what you represented yourself to be.
But of course, women do this all the time. They lie about who they are to get commitment. And then they change. And they especially do this with sex.
It makes me wonder if they’re not really changing; they’re just lying. And who you see after commitment is who they really are.
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Thank you thedeti sir for your honesty. I will have to reflect on what you said.
Thank you deepstrength for those statistics. Very insightful. And very DEPRESSING!!!!
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