Running the gauntlet is playing by the world’s rules.
Readership: Christians; Marriage minded Christian Men;
Theme: Redemptive Headship and Masculinity
Length: 1,500 words
Reading Time: 9 minutes
A Review of Running the Gauntlet
NovaSeeker wrote a high impact post over a year ago, entitled, The Sexual Market IS the Marriage Market (2021-2-22), which described the necessity of “running the gauntlet” before one can arrive in marriage. I wrote about this most recently in a post On Choosing the Flesh over Christ (2022-9-10).
To briefly review, because of The Demise of the Christian Life Script, and The Centrality of Sex in Western Culture, dating and/or hooking up has become the core vehicle for both the SMP and the MMP for virtually all participants. Marriage only occurs as one possible outcome, or rather an ego affirming afterthought, of a very successful venture in the SMP. As such, the MMP is embedded in the SMP. In other words, the entrance door to the MMP is, for most people, located in the SMP, such that one must successfully navigate the SMP in order to enter the door of the MMP.
Furthermore, since the MMP selection process runs through dating/hooking up, which is itself a process that is inherently sexual in nature, it is therefore strongly impacted by the sex skew of the SMP, as discussed in The Lopsided Liberalized Mating Market (2021-2-17). Thus, one’s sexual market value, or SMV, plays the primary role in one’s “competitiveness” in being selected in the competition of bid/ask interactions in the market for dates/hookups, which must occur before marriage even becomes a consideration.
As a result, the implications of the contemporary marriage market system require one to “run the gauntlet” in a series of hit or miss sexual interactions that Christians recognize as having eternal ramifications. Those that cannot or will not run the gauntlet successfully will face substantial difficulties securing an attractive mate for marriage. All of this results in The Christian Conundrum (2021-3-1).
The secular RP proposes the solution of becoming a Chadwick who can iterate sexual conquests and thereby rise towards the top of the SMV. But Christian men who desire marriage and family find this approach to be problematic for several reasons.
- The bottom 60% of men can never become a high SMV male, and therefore cannot enter into the MMP.
- The middle 20% of men find it quite difficult to improve themselves enough to compete in the SMV.
- The top 20% of men face immeasurable daily temptation and are therefore tempted to cash in their chips for plenty of p00n. Depending on how it goes, these men are blinded by the marketplace and are unmotivated to make the next step towards marriage. Only some of these men turn their thoughts towards marriage and children rather late in life.
- In the current marriage 3.0 paradigm, those few men who have the opportunity to marry are hesitant to make the next step towards marriage because of the plethora of risks it poses to men (e.g. Duluth, financial grapes of wrath, frivorce, paternity fraud, sexual defrauding, and others).
- The sexual promiscuity that is an implicit feature of this approach contradicts Christian ethics and morality.
Some Christian Red Pill proponents of marriage have suggested improving one’s SMV enough to be “noticed” by women, while still refraining from premarital sex. But as long as a man is playing within the secular world’s SMP/MMP, applying self-limiting Christian ethics is dampening his competitive edge with no guaranteed increase in the payoff (other than the satisfaction of remaining obedient).
Our Idea of a Different Approach is not all that Different
As you can see, we’ve reached the logical conclusion that the “rules” of the Christian faith, specifically the restriction against fornication, obviate or reduce the possibility of success in the socio-sexual/marriage marketplace. But here I want to point out that this is only true within the secular mating paradigm which sets up specific goals, i.e. edging out the competition, getting laid, and staking “conquests”.
Christians will try to whitewash this reality by using “marriage” as a morally acceptable proxy for “sex”, at least in theory, but due to the convergence of the SMP and the MMP in the mating system described above, there’s literally no difference.
Christian men who have been following along with Thedeti’s recent arguments (starting here) will recognize that NovaSeeker’s original observations are true — that a man’s SMV must be high enough to establish his eligibility for sex / marriage, AND to continue receiving sexual interest from his wife after marriage.
Likewise, the competitive hurdles are no different. Within this paradigm, if a man can’t get laid, and has no hope of doing so at some point, then he’s staring down the barrel of the Black Pill.
But we’re slow to recognize that by admitting this, we’re still trying to adapt to the world’s playbook within a worldly mating paradigm.
The error in this particular paradigmatic interpretation of the MMP is that it assigns the whole value of a man to his SMV and does not recognize the power of Christ.
Why are we applying Christian standards to a non-Christian mating market system?
Jesus warned us against trying to juxtapose two paradigmatic systems in The Parable of the Wineskins (Matthew 9:14-17; Mark 2:18-22; Luke 5:33-39).
33 Then they said to Him, “Why do the disciples of John fast often and make prayers, and likewise those of the Pharisees, but Yours eat and drink?”
34 And He said to them, “Can you make the friends of the bridegroom fast while the bridegroom is with them? 35 But the days will come when the bridegroom will be taken away from them; then they will fast in those days.”
36 Then He spoke a parable to them: “No one puts a piece from a new garment on an old one; otherwise the new makes a tear, and also the piece that was taken out of the new does not match the old. 37 And no one puts new wine into old wineskins; or else the new wine will burst the wineskins and be spilled, and the wineskins will be ruined. 38 But new wine must be put into new wineskins, and both are preserved. 39 And no one, having drunk old wine, immediately desires new; for he says, ‘The old is better.’”Luke 5:33-39 (NKJV)
Analogizing the parable…
- We’re ‘fasting’ from satisfying intersexual relationships, sanctified marriages, and sexual contentment.
- The ‘old garment’ is the socio-sexual/marriage marketplace in western society, in which “dating” is characterized by hooking up, running the gauntlet, serial monogamy, sexual promiscuity, etc.
- ‘Sewing a new patch on an old garment’ is like trying to instill Biblical teachings of sexual purity within a cesspool of sexual dissipation. BTW, this is exactly what the Purity Movement attempted to do in the late 1990s, with catastrophic results.
And yes, many say, “the old wine is better”. We’ve all heard resounding praise for 1950s Traditionalism and reminiscings of the Blue Pill Arrogance of the 1980s. And yet, no one wants to go back to whatever it is that we believe was good about that time, if that were even possible. Everyone either wants to get in on the current action or else gripe about how it fails to deliver chaste nymphotic wives, and no one wants to get married these days. Meanwhile, wimmin are wailing, “Where are all the good men?”, where ‘good’ means 666 (6 feet tall, 6 figure income, 6 pack abs, 6 inch stroke).
The fear and angst is palpable and wholly justified in the Black Pill, but only the faithful few will find their way through the crazy mess.
We cannot establish a new mating paradigm within the confines of the old.
The absurdity of trying to implement Christian standards in a secular mating market only leads to the paradoxical conundrums described in the first section above with the end result of The Black Pill.
So why are we still stuck in awe-struck wonder about this, as if God doesn’t care if you find a wife?
So why are we still seeking some way to “solve” these conundrums?
- If a man wants to compete for a mate according to the worldly SMP, then he needs to play by those rules and accept the possible consequences, including the Abyss / Black Pill and/or having a debased marriage. Christian men have done it, including some here, but very few are honest about it.
- If a man wants to seek out other options and trust God with the outcome, then there is a different set of guidelines that he needs to follow, beginning with a heart-led conviction and a sense of purpose, followed by prayer and taking action towards those ends. Christian men have done this too, including some here, but readers are hesitant to believe it.
In the first case, the Abyss of the Black Pill awaits those men who cannot compete within the secular framework, that is, for as long as they cling to the specified goals of the worldly system, but the Abyss of eternal ћә11 awaits those who can and do but still fail to find Christ in the process.
Both types of men get caught up in the worldly system and its focus on the flesh. They never realize their need for Christ, and make no progress towards redemption.
In the second case, the Abyss of the Black Pill awaits those men who start off with good intentions, but stumble and lose hope along the way due to all the surrounding pressures and temptations.
In all cases, men need to find humility, repent and come to Christ, and find His mercy and grace, IOW go through the four stages of redemption. What this looks like for each man will be different.
From now on, whenever we’re discussing attraction, arousal, mating cultures, etc., let’s make a clear distinction about which paradigm we’re talking about.
- Σ Frame (Jack): Hopelessness (2020-4-6)
- Christianity and Masculinity: Nuances of marriage data: it’s really not that hard to get married (2020-4-7)
- Σ Frame (Jack): Looking at the Essentials (2020-6-12)
- Σ Frame (Jack): The Red Pill and Blue Pill as Paradigms of Sanctification and Defilement (with a mathematical analogy) (2020-11-15)
- Σ Frame (Jack): What is the Christian Red Pill? (2020-11-27)
- Σ Frame (Jack): Is the Christian Red Pill a Black Pill? (2020-11-29)
- Σ Frame (thedeti): The Unsolvable Problem of The Modern Sexual/Relationship Market (2022-2-7)
- Σ Frame (Jack): On Choosing the Flesh over Christ (2022-9-10)
All those topics are also to be subjects to be prayed about. Geopolitics is as much God’s domain of responsibility as our own little spheres of responsibility.
We do what we can. And we request for God to handle the rest. As Moses continually prayed as Israel fought Amalek keeping his hands up. Let us be likewise Aaron and Hur holding each other up by prayer.
Let us never cease praying until victory is achieved.
It is just as important as those with the power to act. To act in those arenas to reshape the battlefield for our brothers and sisters.
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This is worth delving into a bit more in my opinion. I know we’ve talked a lot about the Christian man’s conundrum on here, but exactly how to go about POSSIBLY resolving it is quite fuzzy to me in my thinking.
As one Christian man, I have my experience to look back on. Of course, it’s unique to me, not duplicatable exactly, however one thing in it that I think applies to other Christian man is relying on God. I don’t mean that in a pious way, but rather, realizing the current SMP/MMP is terrible (RP awareness/knowledge), and then relying on God to guide the Christian man through it to a suitable wife.
There are no unicorns out there as the ‘Sphere likes to point out, very true; however, there are women that would make good wives even in current times. The conundrum: What does the Christian man need to do, beginning with himself, i.e. self improvement, developing his faith, etc. to a point he can allow God to play “matchmaker” behind the scenes? And the Christian man must also keep in mind, if it is “God’s will” (an old trope, but still relevant), that it is God who will “bring” him his wife, i.e. set up the meeting some how.
This is what he did for me as far as the pattern is concerned, however the particulars, the details were peculiar to my situation and will differ for each man. Oh, and yes, I can see why some readers would be “hesitant to believe this”, as Jack put it, because it requires us as Christian men to (1) Do the work on ourselves that we need to do to raise our SMV, (2) Take actions to put ourselves out there, in acceptable settings, with NO guarantees of success whatsoever, and then (3) Trusting that God will do whatever He wills to do in the situation, realizing it is out of our hands at this point and in His.
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OK, but I should point out here that God can only present situations or create divine appointments. What we do with them after that is up to us and our free will. God doesn’t make us marry and he won’t make women marry us.
I also don’t buy this silly notion that men are ignoring or rejecting women who “aren’t naturally cute”. That’s patently absurd. That’s not happening. First, there are very, very few young women of marriageable age who “aren’t naturally cute”. Second, even women who “aren’t naturally cute” can still meet and marry – it’s just that they can’t marry the gigaChad they had sex with a couple of times. They can still marry Ernie Engineer, Paul Plumber, or Tom Teacher, but those women turn their noses up at Ernie, Paul and Tom because those men aren’t “good enough” for her.
It is not men who are the problem here.
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Again… you all have no clue about Black Pill or Incels and you all used this “SMP” (that you now bemoan) for the most part when you were single. You got married, and now lecture the “losers” to “Just have faith in Christ” while they burn with passion. To tell them, “God doesnt owe you anything”, and then the cream is that you all still tell men “There are no good women left”, while at the same time telling them to “Let God play matchmaker” and to improve their SMV to find a wife that doesn’t exist.
Who is Blackpill here?????????????????
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Welcome back, Lastmod!
The Black Pilled person is one who considers all these seemingly contradictory facts and finds that the SMP is an insolvable conundrum for the Christian, and then comes to the conclusion that there is no hope. Kinda like what you do, only you go the extra mile to blame those who are presenting the facts as being abusive and tricky hypocrites.
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I’m curious if anyone that is or was married can say, from their own experience, that this is not always true?
I could never have competed in the SMP, yet I still firmly entered the MMP. I am obviously not in the top 20%, so how is it that I married?
I suppose if we use a little beg-the-question circular reasoning, then I putatively must have had some previously unrecognized minimum level of SMV to be in the marital market, though this seems so unlikely as to be evidence against the above thesis. Indeed, lastmod is a better specimen of masculinity than I am: better fit, taller, etc.
If it takes so little SMV to enter the MMP, then…
…lastmod’s critique appears valid. How can all who have benefited from the SMP then decry the use of SMV as ungodly? If everyone who has married (successfully or unsuccessfully) did so because of their SMV, then where does the power of Christ fit in?
Am I just a freak exception? Did I only marry by the power of Christ?
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For anyone who thinks that I must have had some SMV to attract more than one woman in the MMP before I reached the legal age to drink, let me explain something hilariously embarrassing: Almost to a woman, everyone compares me to Sheldon from the Big Bang Theory TV show, a caricature of a man with negative SMV.
Sheldon was so popular on the show that they had to give him an ugly, mannish girlfriend just to get him to lose his virginity on TV, because you can’t have your star not get some action. Mind you, this only happened after years of the show, after the other characters all got their chance.
They don’t compare me to Sheldon because they want me cheat on my wife by jumping into their beds.
There are three possibilities.
(1) You were in a different MMP.
(2) You were trusting Christ to bring you into marriage.
(3) You were uniquely chosen by a unicorn, which is the grace of God in itself.
The secular SMP is ungodly. This is not in question. Don’t forget that most men competing in this system do NOT have favorable outcomes. The few men who’ve fared well did so because of one or more of the following…
(1) They truly beat the competition, either by having a high SMV or by choosing wisely.
(2) They learned to trust Christ and establish Headship in the process.
(3) The Holy Spirit intervened to bring grace to them.
The power of Christ is always there, but we either do not recognize it, or we do not avail of it. If you believe that God joins people together in marriage, then there’s that. Just because we’re unsatisfied with the outcome does not mean God has abandoned us.
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FWIW, I’m not necessarily disagreeing with you. My questions are the Socratic Method: aimed at eliciting answers to things that may be unspoken, or not fully explained.
Were we talking only about my wife, one, both, or all of those might apply. But I was not.
When I was in a secular college in a secular state far removed from kin and community, I had the potential opportunity to marry. While I suspect that such a marriage would have ended in the way that most men here have experienced their divorces, the point nonetheless is that it was a viable opportunity.
I cannot rule out that I was being tested, though if it was testing it is one in which I failed to be obedient. I received unwarranted grace.
My own experiences tell me this, nor do I deny the power of God, which is self-evident. Nonetheless, is the suggestion that the only reason I had ‘success’ in the SMV/MMP in the secular setting because God was testing me? Or was it that there was some other factor than sex and attraction that can explain even the ability to play in that system, as incorrect as I was to do so?
Even though I was able to enter the secular SMV/MMP, despite having negative SMV, I truly believe that God did not lead me into error. So instead, I attribute factors other than sexual attraction to my pseudo-success, which is a theme that I often push here, quite unsuccessfully I might add.
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In my own family, I know of a close relative who didn’t use the SMP (he is a non-Christian, too). He probably doesn’t know that it exists or if it does exist, it’s just not for him. He met his wife at some health food convention. He has been married for a long time and has what appears to be a very successful marriage. I met her and she appears to be well out of his league. How he was able to marry her is a great mystery.
They have plenty of money and live in fully paid for home. Yet he is very stingy. He could easily afford and pay for a new car in cash many times over. But when his wife needed a car she had to get a job and pay for it herself and pay for all the maintenance and repairs. That’s her car and he doesn’t touch it.
Relatives think that this is a very unusual / strange marriage. Yet the relatives who think this all attend church and have experienced divorce.
The marriage is unusual /strange, but you can’t argue with success.
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My second mother had one of those unusual marriages. She was the biggest personality I have ever known, which she used to help troubled kids and young mothers. She had such an air of authority that if her van pulled over to the side of the road where you were standing and she told you to get in the car (which she did, btw), you would obey. Her husband is an extremely unassuming and introverted man. If their roles were reversed, you’d likely think that marriage was the most ideal patriarchal marriage ever invented.
With eight children and a billion grandchildren, you can’t argue with success.
Fact? You mean your opinion deemed as “fact”?
Go sit in an Incel chat for a bit. You’ll see some real facts. They’re called men. Go into a MGTOW dischord…… Go tell them “You guys just need Jesus!” and back it up with “facts” by telling them “He doesnt promise you a wife, but you’re a cuck / simp / pedestalizer of women / chump …”
…and here is the list that Jesus approved of what you can do to get a wife that doesn’t exist………
Off to court today… jury selection. I’ll reply to all your “holier than thou” remarks when I return. Glad you all know what “Black Pill” is, and what being an “incel” is by going two weeks without a date when you were 12 or whatever… Totally relatable!
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This all means that more and more men will live most of their lives with no women, no wives, and thus no sexual outlets. More and more men will never become husbands and will never father legitimate children.
It also means more frivorces, more divorce rapes, and more family destruction.
This is demonstrably not true else the numbers of people who ever marry would reflect this. Additionally, in a normal distribution, from the 1st standard deviation, but not including there to the second standard deviation on up is 85% of the population.
Also, most men are enough. They just are. You think all those fat girls are marrying top guys? They aren’t. Some are, and they get the press, but most are marrying average guys.
Both men, and women in the bottom part of things are unhappy with their options. SOME will choose to not participate. Most will eventually marry.
With some marrying retreads and thus reducing the numbers to a degree, but not nearly enough to match your number.
I don’t disagree with your conclusions, and yet it still has to be made clear that there aren’t any eligible young women at these men’s houses. There aren’t any eligible men at these women’s houses. If you have tried and can’t find love at the church you’re attending, maybe visit some other churches, get involved in some hobbies where you have the potential to meet someone. Sitting at home gaming on the XBox, or mainlining Netflix isn’t going to work for either of them.
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No, they’re not. Well, OK, they’re good enough for some fat unattractive slore to demand their financial support for life.
Sure, good enough to demand financial support from. Not good enough for relationships or sex or submission.
The fact that a man was able to convince a woman to allow him to support her with everything he owns and earns, and to continue with that privilege even after she stops having sex with him, does not mean he’s really truly entered the MMP or that he’s “married”.
The fact that a man was able to get married does not mean he has a successful marriage by any metric, least of all his own.
There are millions of sham marriages out there. Millions of men who have been duped and tricked into marriage by treacherous women who don’t really want their husbands and never had any intention of truly being those men’s wives in every sense of the word.
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Now we are coming back around to my original position: My marriage was and is a miracle, a gift from God. However much limited SMV I had was confined to my sense of mission and purpose. I’ve never been a looker, and I’ve always been at or near poverty. I still am. But I have a mission from God and that’s all I really need. Getting married was simply a part of that. I was perfectly willing to do without. So I can’t advise anyone of the mechanics of getting a woman’s interest, because I simply didn’t pay that much attention to it when the Lord brought my wife to me. So far as I can tell, she remains smitten, and it’s only by the grace of God.
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Most men will not be so fortunate. Men in your situation today will likely be lifelong celibates. And it will not be because men aren’t paying attention to women who “aren’t naturally cute”.
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Indeed. But for the Grace of God go those Men in particular. Be content with having nothing. And be grateful when God does gift us.
I’m hardly the only one to say this is a bad time for marriage in general. As far as I am concerned, it’s a prophetic warning that God isn’t going to sponsor marriage these days on the scale He did when I was young. It will be a while before those days come back.
Jury Duty / selection. I’ll just say it was a murder trial. I have no love for the police, but the defense attorney (a typical LA Law styled attorney, blonde, good looking, younger and smarter than me) asked me what I thought of the charges. There were 15 total. I told him I was frightened by them. He then said, “Frightened? Your reply just frightened me that you will not give the accused a fair and honest trial!”
It went back and forth for a bit. Finally, I just got tired. They want a jury packed with people who love criminals…… He asked about my faith in the court system to GIVE an accused person a fair trial. I was a bit intimidated. I was angry that I had to miss work, upset that I was being put on trial, when I committed no crime…… I just said, “Well, I don’t have much [faith in the court system] at the moment. I supported and voted for the recall of LA District Attorney Gascon. Your client has pretty much a 100% guarantee of countless appeals on the lesser charges no matter what a jury decides.”
Shocks and gasps from the other jurors. There were no further questions. I was dismissed. I was not thanked by the judge nor the attorneys on my way out. One LA sheriff deputy escorted me to the downstairs lobby. In the elevator she said, “That was pretty bold of you, but I will say thank you for that. I can tell so many wanted to say that. You did.”
But still, I’m a coward, I cater to women, I am a lesser man………
As for Blackpill……. Most men who are in their thirties, who never had a date, or a girlfriend, or plenty of sex, have to accept the reality that they lost the genetic race. But it’s not defeat. It’s a cold acceptance. It’s not a pretty break or even a clean one, but a break it is, and it MUST be done for men who don’t have a chance with women.
Oh well… There are plenty of other things to do.
It gets easier with age, and for how awesome sex supposedly is…. lots of men are doing fine without it.
It gets easier when we see all the hoes on TikTok making fools of themselves.
It gets easier when we look at all the men who got divorce graped and hung out to dry.
It gets easier when we look at plenty of people who have no problem with abusing sex, or using it cheaply.
It gets easier when we see all the Christians who have pre-marital sex and then “tell Jesus they were sorry”… but not really, because they “would not be the man they are today without that experience.” LOL!!!
It gets easier when those same Christians who had pre-marital sex turn around and condemn anyone else having pre-marital sex. “Sinner! You must repent!!!!!! How dare you!!!!” WTH?????? Hypocratize much???
It gets easier when those same Christians give a pass to Chad and the top 20% of other Christians. They are excused because “They can’t help it” and “Women can’t help who they fall in love with.” It’s pretty entertaining to see them make so many excuses for their sins and past behaviors and try to identify themselves with the top 20% in doing so.
It gets harder when all these sex crazed idiots assume that they know all about Incels and the Black Pill, even though they’ve never lived with them, or among them, and avoid them at all costs. They know all they want to know from watching harridan hoes and Karens rant about them on TikTok, and from listening to professional geeks speak about them, quoting studies and showing graphs, on YouTube.
It gets harder when all these sex crazed idiots tell celibate men they MUST HAVE SEX or else they will be a LESSER MAN and DIE ALONE (according to them).
It gets harder when men like me are reminded DAILY of our past.
Using God and invoking the name of Jesus cheapens this whole thing about sex.
For all the talk about the importance of finding one’s mission and purpose in life, notta one of you posting here ever got on your knees and begged Jesus to “Tell me my mission and purpose in life”. It was just something you stumbled across after you made so many other mistakes in life.
For all the talk about the importance of Headship, notta one of you got married with that in mind. It was just an idea you stumbled across after reading Jack’s and DeepStrength’s posts. Even now, none of you follow what you are purporting about that. Your wives just won’t have it.
Why do you think none of those sexless men are banging on your local church (or even coming around here) to “learn about Jesus / mission / Headship / purity, etc.”? Part of it is really the arrogance, sexual sin, hypocrisy, self-justifications, and the fake characterizations of celibacy that go on at every church. Once this comes out, then the discussion is closed.
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Back in the biblical polygamy era, a few high status men married multiple women. Those women ranged from high status free wives to low status bond wives. Patriarchy.
As before, a few men now get the majority of women. Except this time they are not legally marrying and even if they do, women are ending it. The end result is that most women are not virgins, but also not widows or legally married, and to marry them is arguably to commit adultery, for their ‘husbands’ are still alive. As with classic patriarchy, a few men have captured most of the women.
The Black Pill — the cold acceptance of utter defeat by Red Pilled men — is the natural outcome of the desire for patriarchy from the curse of the Fall.
You can’t fix it with more patriarchy, which I consider to be well and truly the secular mating paradigm, which the sexual liberation of feminism has rather ironically enabled.
God ordained Patriarchy. It is better than other models out there. Nowhere else do we see men so invested in families and giving rise to civilization.
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I don’t agree. This was the core issue in my discussion with Deep Strength. In order to say that God ordained patriarchy, you have to deduce it from Genesis 2-3. Everything follows from that.
View #2 is summarized as such:
It is interesting how much of this argument would change if viewed through the lens of preeminence rather than authority. In any case, this is sufficient to show that the argument for patriarchy being God-ordained is based on logical inference, not direct instruction.
We’ve also gone through this argument before on this very blog. See Jack’s post, its associated links, and the comments.
A good Princess Bride meme can go a long way at times … Just like now.
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Deep Strength defines Patriarchy this way…
…which is 100% compatible with what I said (especially re: bond wives). Polygamy is a natural consequence of patriarchy: the right of a man control his family and lineage.
The essence of patriarchy (not Christian Patriarchy) is male familial power and authority. A man is forbidden from crossing the familial domain of another man. He is forbidden to have sex with another man’s wife. He cannot have sex with a virgin if she is betrothed to another man. He isn’t supposed to have sex with a non-betrothed virgin, but if he does he is subject to the father’s judgment (if anything), but only because his authority in this matter is secondary to the girl’s father, not that it doesn’t exist. In the case of a bond wife (the spoils of war; a father who doesn’t demand a bride price) or widow, he is not so bound.
In modern society, the top men are cads and fathers allow their daughters to become concubines, but in this they are all still acting within their scope of male authority. That cohabitating cads are having children outside of legal marriage—not a requirement of patriarchy—is irrelevant. In God’s eyes, they are marrying woman after woman, leaving few virgins behind for anyone else. (Effectively polygamous) men are in command here and feminism has enabled it.
This is exactly what Genesis 3 said (my translation):
Women are throwing themselves on men: virtually all women will lose their virginity before they reach age 30, even as ever few marry. In turn, men are abusing their authority over them. An “alpha widow” is another man’s rejected concubine.
This the logical endpoint of the Curse of the Fall. It is patriarchy, in its most degraded and abortive form, but it is not Christian Patriarchy.
IMO, the essence of Christian Patriarchy is submitting, not ruling. Paul instructed wives to “[be] submitting” to their husbands, he didn’t instruct men to rule—exert authority—over their wives. Men ruling wives is a consequence of the Fall of Man, not the design. A woman should submit to her husband without him needing to exert any authority at all. (This is regardless of whether or not you think a man should mutually submit in some way to his wife or whether you think submission is a matter of authority or preeminence.)
This is why I argue that focusing on hierarchical authority is a mistake. Patriarchy in and of itself is not inherently good, only Christian Patriarchy is.
The word Patriarchy derives from two Latin words.
Pater = father
Archia = authority
Therefore, Patriarchy = dad’s in charge.
Who’s in charge of the universe? God THE FATHER is. Therefore, the universe is a Patriarchy, and Christianity is the most patriarchal religion. More so than Islam, where referring to Allah as a father is blasphemy.
Therefore, if you don’t like Patriarchy, then you don’t like Christianity.
As for polygamy, a wise man does not judge a thing by its abuse. Christianity is more patriarchal than Islam, yet Islam promotes polygamy, while Christianity ended polygamy.
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