Tracking Raw Sex Performance on a Spread Sheet

No F earns an F.

Readership: Married Men
Theme: The Integrity and Fidelity of Marriage
Length: 2,100 words
Reading Time: 7 minutes

Introduction

A while back, Dalrock reviewed a story at Daily Mail: Not tonight dear, I’m tired… Husband creates spreadsheet detailing different reasons why wife is refusing sex (2014 July 21). To offer the readers a quick snapshot of this post…

“Women’s sexuality has always been a primary source of their power, but in our feminist culture this has been taken to the extreme.”

“…the fear of losing power was a core motivating factor for the women involved.”

“The wife was horrified that she had over played her hand in using [i.e. withholding] sex to keep her husband firmly in her orbit.”

“Now imagine being the spreadsheet wife, who has suddenly realized that her V has lost its power through her own misuse.”

Dalrock Frigidity and power. (2014 August 3)

In summary, when a husband is fully aware that he is being played by her sexual denial stratagem and holds it in her face, the conviction of her sin hits home. As Dalrock notes, even team wimmin – who also play the sexual denial card – won’t back her up when she overplays her hand. Not only is this a perceived rejection by hubbie, it’s also an overt rejection from the herd. This is truly meaningful Feedback to female interests.

The Spreadsheet

In this post, Dalrock talks about the “sex denial spreadsheet”. This is when the husband keeps a schedule (like a calendar) of data about their sex life, or the lack thereof. The data typically includes,

  1. Every time he initiated sex and was refused
  2. Every time she initiated sex and was refused
  3. Every time they actually had sex
  4. Adding the week of her period (and ovulation) is optional.

(4) can be useful when the wife has shown a continued habit of preferring sex during her period, which is not only distasteful but also declared unclean (Leviticus 15:19; Leviticus 15:24) and forbidden (Leviticus 18:19; Leviticus 20:18) by Old Testament scripture. Ezekiel 22:10 specifically calls this a sin, and a man who refuses to approach a woman during her menstruation is called “righteous” in Ezekiel 18:5-9.

(4) is also useful to reveal if the wife has been conspicuously absent from the marital bed during her peak ovulation.* If she is also absent from the home during this time, it may be evidence that she’s having an affair.

When the husband keeps a spreadsheet like this, it is a subtle shame tactic. It makes the wife more self-conscious about the sexual interaction of the relationship.

This spreadsheet can also be used in divorce proceedings as proof of her failure to perform “marital duties” (if that should have any value in the eyes of the court or public opinion).

Some men reported that when they started keeping a spreadsheet, then the wife was more enthusiastic about sex, and less willing to refuse. When I read this, I had to try it out for myself.

* Ovulation occurs during the four days surrounding the midpoint of the menstrual cycle. For a 28 day cycle, this would be 14 days before the onset of the next period.

Case Study 1 – Jack’s Bedroom Spreadsheet

Using a paper spreadsheet might be useful if you want to post it on the bedroom wall as a daily reminder (to her). But I decided to take a subtler approach. I downloaded an app that was designed for women who are trying to get pregnant.  It tracks ovulation and body temperature on a calendar, but it also has other data fields, including the date and frequency of coital encounters and even the number of orgasms!

After I started using this app, whenever I saw that it had been more than two weeks since our last roll in the hay, I would inform her of this fact. Of course, she would always deny it, so I showed her the calendar on the app to prove it. Within a few weeks after I started this, my wife became more self-conscious about her nuptial performance. She even downloaded the same app and kept track of it herself.

There were a few times when the “intercourse” field was blank for more than a couple weeks. When I pointed this out to her, it provoked her ego. She immediately shot back with a bunch of hamsterbated justifications. I told her to check the app and see for herself. She did, and after that, her indignation died down. She was too angry to make it up on the spot, but she was back in action within a day or two. After a while, she became more diligent than me at keeping record. Now, she usually tries to get 1 point a week at the minimum, and she feels guilty if she doesn’t.

Grading System

I made up a grading system like this.

Raw Sex Performance Score = (Number of sexual encounters) x 100%/(Number of days in a given time frame)

Adjusted Sex Performance Score* = [(Number of sexual encounters) – (Number of refusals**)] x 100%/(Number of days in a given time frame)

Raw Marital Sex Score = (Number of sexual encounters) x 100%/(Number of days married)

* The Adjusted Sex Performance Score takes into account her general responsiveness and attitude. This is important because men take refusal/rejection hard, and it has a strong negative effect on his view of the wife.
** The number of refusals is counted as a penalty because 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 specifically instructs husbands and wives not to refuse the other.

To offer an illustration of how this grading system is used, let’s consider the month of July as a given time frame. During July, Brad initiated sex 19 times. His wife, Maddi, refused 5 times and spread her lotus petals 14 times. Thus,

Raw Sex Performance Score = 14*100%/19 = 73.7% –> C

Adjusted Sex Performance Score = (14 – 5)*100%/19 = 47.4% –> F

In another marriage during July, Greg initiated sex 6 times. His wife, Beth, refused 1 time and spread her buffalo wings 5 times. Thus,

Raw Sex Performance Score = 5*100%/6 = 83.3% –> B

Adjusted Sex Performance Score = (5 – 1)*100%/6 = 66.7% –> D

91-100% = A “Acceptable”
81-90% = B “Boring”
71-80% = C “Catatonic”
61-70% = D “Dead” or “Defunct”
< 60% = F “Somebody will be F*ing someone else soon.”

If the reader thinks this calculation is either too lax or too harsh for his particular station in life, then I suggest it can be weighted, or else calculated another way.

What if a husband refuses sex?

This scenario is much rarer, but it’s the same situation. The big difference is that most women would never tolerate that and would be on to the next man. Older or married women might hang on longer, especially if there are children and she has little income of her own, but if and when such an opportunity presents itself, she’ll have an affair. And if she has the opportunity but chooses not to out of conscience, she’ll resent her husband all the more.

Case Study 2 – Married Incels

Recently, the topic of sexual frequency came up in my men’s group. Every single man there said their wives are wholly disinterested in sex, and that they weren’t getting as much sex as they would like. In a bout of honesty, one retired Boomer told us, in so many words, that his wife thinks she is too old for sex. She told him, “Sex is for kids.” She is past menopause, can’t get wet, and is entirely opposed to having sex. So he goes months without sex and he masturbates with porn regularly — at the age of 72! This surprised me, not only because of his age, but also because, by all appearances, he was a mature Christian.

I shared my spreadsheet story with them. Most of them listened very carefully with smug or amused looks on their faces. But the older guy who was doing porn was outraged and said I was being unloving to my wife. I told him, “No, that’s not true. Our wives feel loved when we give them sexual attention, whether they’re actually interested in sex or not, and age doesn’t matter. I don’t know why your wife is being unloving toward you by denying you sex, but she’s inadvertently pushing you into porn. And if you like squirting p0rn more than your wife, then you’re not very loving to her either.”

He then changed the subject and none of the other guys spoke up.

Conclusions

In another post, Dalrock wrote about the same topic.

“There is a great deal of energy on using sex as a weapon, including when, how, and why to deny sex. The other side to this is all of the energy coming from the deep fear that they will overplay this card, and as I described in Frigidity and power, lose their power.

“What if he watches porn, or even Game of Thrones while I’m denying sex?  Then my V will lose its power over him!  How do I overcome my own frigidity?  If I’m frigid, my V has no power!”

“They already know how to use sex as a weapon, and they already have deep fears that by doing this they risk losing the very power they are trying to wield.  They already sensed that misusing sex was making them frigid.

Dalrock: Riding the brake (2015 February 28)

Obviously, this is one of those feminine secrets that is carefully hidden from men. A wife denying her husband sex is much more common than we might think. But it often goes unnoticed because men are not comfortable to discuss this.

As Dalrock wisely notes (in bold), a wife who misuses sex becomes frigid, but on the other hand, getting a wife back into a regular habit of mattress scooting carries the magical effect of reducing her frigidity.

It’s long past time for men to take action. For those men who are being subjected to Dead Bedroom syndrome, you can try keeping score with the method described above.

Each time she refuses your advances, chalk up one mark against her. Each time she refuses, tell her that she is faithlessly neglecting her “marital duty” which she promised to do, and so you are entitled to the remedial option of porn.*

“Oh, you’re too dry/itchy/moody/ tired/(insert excuse) tonight?  That’s OK.  I wouldn’t want to make you “uncomfortable” because I lurrrve yew tooo much! [sarcasm] But you know, my d!ck isn’t going to suck itself.  I have other options to “control my body in honorable way” (1st Thessalonians 4:4) and maintain my own sanctification!!!  You’re lucky that my ex girlfriend married Dick Thorndike and moved out of town, otherwise, I’d have a real temptation on my lap.”  [hyperbolic sarcasm intended]

[Insert wife’s indignant reaction.]

“Oh, don’t worry, after I’m finished, I’ll be sure to mop up the keyboard and clean P0rnHub off the browser history. I won’t be causing you any trouble or embarrassment at all!” [angry sarcasm]**

That said, she cannot legitimately blame you for being “dirty” or “out of control” when human nature finally takes its course. She will also feel an onus of (partial) personal responsibility, which hopefully will act as a goad to her growth.

* Disclaimer: I don’t mean to give anyone the idea that using porn is OK. Of course, it is not a Godly practice. As Christian men, we know porn is bad, but it’s also a real problem that most men struggle with and it needs to be dealt with somehow.  Owning up to it and talking about it is a good place to start. Here, I am merely suggesting that the idea of using porn can be used as a point of argumentation with the wife, done in order to drive your point and get her to be emotionally invested in your struggle, rather than allowing her the contentment of being a casual (and cruel) observer.
** Different women have different ideas about porn and masturbation. I think it is important to know how your wife will react if you bring it up. Personally, my wife enjoys porn if she is “in the mood” and occasionally we’ll watch it together as a leadup to foreplay. But if I watch it alone after a long dry spell, she condemns me as “filthy” and is more hesitant to engage in lovemaking. Quite the double standard, I might say.

About Jack

Jack is a world traveling artist, skilled in trading ideas and information, none of which are considered too holy, too nerdy, nor too profane to hijack and twist into useful fashion. Sigma Frame Mindsets and methods for building and maintaining a masculine Frame
This entry was posted in Attitude, Authenticity, Boundaries, Confidence, Conflict Management, Courtship and Marriage, Desire, Passion, Enduring Suffering, Fundamental Frame, Handling Rejection, Holding Frame, Introspection, Male Power, Models of Failure, Models of Success, Personal Presentation, Persuasion, Relationships, Sanctification & Defilement, Self-Concept, Solipsism, Sphere of Influence, Strategy, The Hamster, The Power of God. Bookmark the permalink.

21 Responses to Tracking Raw Sex Performance on a Spread Sheet

  1. cameron232 says:

    OT and a duplicate comment from Spawny’s.

    Good piece by the very excellent Matt Cochran on our old friend Sheila Gregoire. This is rich. Men are now sinning against women… by struggling against lust. You can’t make this stuff up.

    Holy sh!te. Channeling Sharkly. Please put veils back on church women and put muzzles on them. Honestly, the secular women I work with have way more attractive personalities and worldviews than this Christian-feminist. Would rather look for a wife here at work than among these twats. A secular non-feminist woman is better than a Christian-feminist woman. Just go for adequate hotness with a reasonably nice personality. “Christian” is in no way an indicator of suitability for marriage.

    I get it though because honestly she’s fugly (click on the Twitter picture – woof!!) and hurt deep down inside that men don’t lust after her. So even the idea of men lusting causes emotional pain. She would have been a good candidate for the nunnery in the good old days.

    Matthew E. Cochran: Eve’s Curse (2022-01-17)

    Like

    • info says:

      What a perversion that those who claim the Lordship of Christ are even worse rebels than those who aren’t.

      The Lords name in vain whilst defying God such that Good is called Evil and Evil called is Good.

      Woe to them.

      Like

  2. feeriker says:

    I’ve long believed that the origins of polygyny were in no small measure driven by “wifely headaches.”

    “‘Not tonight,’ eh? Well, time to head over to Wife Number 2’s bed, then.”

    Liked by 1 person

  3. locustsplease says:

    I think the answer is to just not ask or take any refusal. There is no such thing as marital rape. There are zero convictions it is law nowhere except in your mind. Put her in a full nelson and enjoy yourself. This whole wife sex denial thing doesnt seem to apply to girlfriends. All the chicks I dated wouldn’t even let me touch myself, else they would be overcome by guilt. Sexually satisfying me was a huge part of their self-worth. They took pride in it. Then my marriage was what I consider a dead bedroom. 1x a week, 3 weeks a month, 40x a year. Whereas before, I had been getting as much as I could handle.

    It wasn’t all we did, but when we were together, it was multiple times a day. It is the rare wife who satisfies her husband like that long term. I have a few buddies with wives like that. When we’ve gone on vacation together, they disappear every few hours. I’m not that lucky.

    The sex is one thing that becomes the last priority of someone you live with and dedicated your life to. No thanks. Meanwhile, they never forget to take care of the dog.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Red Pill Apostle says:

      “Then my marriage was what I consider a dead bedroom. 1x a week, 3 weeks a month, 40x a year. Whereas before, I had been getting as much as I could handle.”

      My marriage started at this frequency and declined from there. At the low point, it was 1 time in 18 months. But the worst stretch was when she upped the totals to twice a week for a few months because she wanted something. (I had told her marriage was horrible because of no sex and I wasn’t interested in what she wanted.) Then after getting what she wanted, she stopped the twice a week routine and we went back to 3 or 4 times a year. Once she had what she wanted she didn’t want to be bothered with sex anymore.

      “This whole wife sex denial thing doesnt seem to apply to girlfriends.”

      Among the reasons girlfriends lack the frigidity of wives is that there is something they want from you. There is a reason that Susan Walsh created her Hooking Up Smart website. Just sayin’.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Jack says:

        “There is a reason that Susan Walsh created her Hooking Up Smart website.”

        Yes, maximize the payoffs and minimize the hassles. It takes some proper training to learn how to sin wisely and escape judgment. PUAs had the same emphasis on efficiency. In many ways, women view sex the same way that PUAs do. The one big difference is that PUAs have no incentive to marry, whereas women do.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Red Pill Apostle says:

        I’ve been out of the dating game so long and hadn’t thought about the equivalence of PUA’s behaving to signal being the type of man a woman wants to get laid and a woman behaving to signal being the type of woman a man wants to get commitment. When you think about the dynamics of the interaction, the core motivation is the same, getting what you want from the opposite sex, with the strategic differences being due to men tending to emphasize sex and women tending to emphasize commitment as their end goals.

        Liked by 2 people

      • locustsplease says:

        Only the most beta accept a sexual cut off from a girlfriend. The cut off from the wife is much harder to take. Your entire livelihood is on the line. You could pay her money until you die if the wrong button is pushed, and it breaks most men. I don’t have the will or stamina to play that game until I die.

        It hurts getting cut off — about as much as if she came home and found there was no telephone, running water, electricity, air conditioning, heat… all gone. Then if a man said, “Honey, I’ll turn it on 1x a month, when you please me for a few minutes”, it wouldn’t sound like love to any of them.

        They enjoy the comforts of modern life, not men. I’ve never seen a divorced woman come out and say, “I miss him so much.” It’s more like, “I’m comfortable with the male utility that the gubmint makes sure I have every day, cradle till grave, regardless of my behavior towards the servant class.”

        It’s disappointing to live in a society where everytime I go out I have to blow off women who want to have sex with me. And then I can’t get married because I know the same women are not going to have sex with me if we were married.

        Liked by 2 people

      • Red Pill Apostle says:

        locustsplease,

        “The cut off from the wife is much harder to take. Your entire livelihood is on the line. You could pay her money until you die if the wrong button is pushed, and it breaks most men.”

        Until you get to the point in life where living as your wife’s slave, because it’s slavery but with chains of dollar bills instead of iron, is worse than living poor and free, that you as a man can change your relationship. A man cannot operate in fear of his wife and fix his marriage. He will need to confront her with the truth of how much her sexual control is hurting him and the marriage. She knows what she is doing and knows that she is hurting her husband, but the hamster is a powerful little animal that convinces her that the rationalizations are true — not the reality, and so she needs to be hit square between the eyes, in no uncertain terms, with the damage she has caused.

        For me, I told Mrs. Apostle, that it was misery being her husband and if I had the option, I would not repeat a single solitary part of my life with her. It was my own way of telling her she was worthless as a wife. But once I accepted that the turmoil of marriage was worse than the turmoil of divorce it freed me to act the way I should have acted from the start. That is when things started to improve, although they could have easily gone the direction of divorce.

        Like

      • Jack says:

        “Until you get to the point in life where living as your wife’s slave […] is worse than living poor and free, that you as a man can change your relationship. A man cannot operate in fear of his wife and fix his marriage.”

        I had the same experience, but it wasn’t financial slavery as much as it was an emotional slavery to her criticism. For the first 4-5 years of our marriage, she was always saying she wanted a divorce. She even presented me with divorce papers three times. Each time, it brought up a lot of a lot of residual pain and fear that I carried from my own parents divorce. I ignored it all, but eventually, it dragged me down so much that I realized that getting a divorce and starting over would be better than living for the rest of my life with a contentious wife who was determined to divorce me. Furthermore, if she wanted to leave the marriage, I wouldn’t be doing anything wrong by letting her go (1 Corinthians 7:15). So I decided that the next time she presented me with divorce papers, I would sign them.

        Interestingly, after I went through this internal crisis of faith, things started to improve, and she never presented me with divorce papers again. This made me a little angry at first, because it seemed like I had to come to the point where I was willing to throw this marriage away before it became something worth keeping. I was also angry because during this time I was getting regular IOIs from other women and I realized that I still had better options. But after a while, I realized that the reason she was dissatisfied was because I was living in fear of divorce and she could smell it. She was riding on this fear in an attempt to change it. But from my perspective, I had to stop trusting her and stop believing in the permanency of marriage to get to that point, and this was a bitter irony that was hard to face. I wrote a little about this in Not Trusting women is Deep Inner Game (2021-12-15).

        Like

  4. MLT says:

    If I am not mistaken, Larry Solomon at Biblicalgenderroles.com has something on Christians and porn. Believe it or not, he has created a website called porntothegloryofgod.com . Of course, some of the readers here would differ with Larry Solomon on the topic of porn.

    Like

    • cameron232 says:

      I think that guy says you can have multiple wives. If it’s the guy I’m thinking of.

      Where’s the inquisition when you need it.

      Liked by 1 person

    • info says:

      Even when Larry Solomon is right on many issues. On the topic of Porn he shows himself ignorant and even rebellious against God.

      Since as yourbrainonporn.com shows. It actually causes people to desire the simulation rather than the real thing. And distorts libido.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Somewhat serious question:
    How does someone measure quality control in one’s sexual marriage?

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Red Pill Apostle says:

    The idea of tracking sex is like an example right out of Dale Carnege’s, “How To Win Friends and Influence People”. He tells a story of a plant manager writing a number on the plant floor in chalk after the day shift. He did the same after the night shift. He did not tell anyone what the number was, but it was the prior shift’s production. Soon the men caught on and once they knew that they were being measured and also compared to the other shift they began to compete and that kicked production up. If you want more of something, then measure it. You can better the effects of measuring alone by introducing competition. Many times people compete against themselves to improve on whatever it is they are measuring.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. redpillboomer says:

    “Recently, the topic of sexual frequency came up in my men’s group. Every single man there said their wives are wholly disinterested in sex, and that they weren’t getting as much sex as they would like.”

    I’m part of a men’s team and the wives being ‘wholly disinterested in sex,’ doesn’t seem to be an issue as much as irregular, boring sex being the issue; not quite a dead bedroom, but a less than fully satisfying one being the more prevalent situation for the guys married for a couple decades plus. And, it’s not just the ‘little woman’s’ problem, it’s on the guy’s side as well. How do you spice it up when you’ve been ‘doing it’ with the same girl for decades?

    For me, it’s a matter of getting the right kind of bedroom action going, which involves visual stimulation and mental stimulation as well. Gone are the days where we’d jump in bed and just get in on and anything we did was FUN, now it’s got to be a certain way for her and a certain way for me to for it to work.

    For her, it’s a bit easier. It involves kissing and foreplay (she sucks, I finger her and tongue her) and then a position, cowgirl being the default, or if we both have enough energy, some doggy and missionary too. If she doesn’t cum during intercourse, then she finishes it off with her vibrator, and cuddling afterwards is the oxytocin bonding thing to finish things off. For me, I’m learning it’s lingerie that I like on her (the visual stimuli) + some sort of scenario that I like, either we concoct it or I think of it (the mental part), then it begins to SEEM something akin to the sex of days gone by: Fun, energetic with maybe a little bit of kink thrown in.

    Porn can help with this, but of course, becomes problematic spiritually. I can also think back to the days of my pre-Christian sexual experiences which were fun and VERY energetic. Even though the sex might not have been of the highest quality, the energy put into it was what made it memorable. Those girls went ALL out, it was the antithesis of a ‘dead bedroom,’ and was ALIVE. Of course, we were twenty somethings and had energy to spare back then. That’s the part that I think is difficult to duplicate after you’ve been married like I have for 32 years, the high energy part which turns ordinary kissing, or a BJ or F’ing into something extraordinary and ALIVE.

    Like

  8. Pingback: Rights and Responsibilities within Marriage | Σ Frame

  9. Pingback: Denying sex to one’s spouse is porneia. | Σ Frame

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