No F earns an F.
Readership: Married Men
Theme: The Integrity and Fidelity of Marriage
Length: 2,100 words
Reading Time: 7 minutes
A while back, Dalrock reviewed a story at Daily Mail: Not tonight dear, I’m tired… Husband creates spreadsheet detailing different reasons why wife is refusing sex (2014 July 21). To offer the readers a quick snapshot of this post…
“Women’s sexuality has always been a primary source of their power, but in our feminist culture this has been taken to the extreme.”
“…the fear of losing power was a core motivating factor for the women involved.”
“The wife was horrified that she had over played her hand in using [i.e. withholding] sex to keep her husband firmly in her orbit.”
“Now imagine being the spreadsheet wife, who has suddenly realized that her V has lost its power through her own misuse.”Dalrock Frigidity and power. (2014 August 3)
In summary, when a husband is fully aware that he is being played by her sexual denial stratagem and holds it in her face, the conviction of her sin hits home. As Dalrock notes, even team wimmin – who also play the sexual denial card – won’t back her up when she overplays her hand. Not only is this a perceived rejection by hubbie, it’s also an overt rejection from the herd. This is truly meaningful Feedback to female interests.
In this post, Dalrock talks about the “sex denial spreadsheet”. This is when the husband keeps a schedule (like a calendar) of data about their sex life, or the lack thereof. The data typically includes,
- Every time he initiated sex and was refused
- Every time she initiated sex and was refused
- Every time they actually had sex
- Adding the week of her period (and ovulation) is optional.
(4) can be useful when the wife has shown a continued habit of preferring sex during her period, which is not only distasteful but also declared unclean (Leviticus 15:19; Leviticus 15:24) and forbidden (Leviticus 18:19; Leviticus 20:18) by Old Testament scripture. Ezekiel 22:10 specifically calls this a sin, and a man who refuses to approach a woman during her menstruation is called “righteous” in Ezekiel 18:5-9.
(4) is also useful to reveal if the wife has been conspicuously absent from the marital bed during her peak ovulation.* If she is also absent from the home during this time, it may be evidence that she’s having an affair.
When the husband keeps a spreadsheet like this, it is a subtle shame tactic. It makes the wife more self-conscious about the sexual interaction of the relationship.
This spreadsheet can also be used in divorce proceedings as proof of her failure to perform “marital duties” (if that should have any value in the eyes of the court or public opinion).
Some men reported that when they started keeping a spreadsheet, then the wife was more enthusiastic about sex, and less willing to refuse. When I read this, I had to try it out for myself.
* Ovulation occurs during the four days surrounding the midpoint of the menstrual cycle. For a 28 day cycle, this would be 14 days before the onset of the next period.
Case Study 1 – Jack’s Bedroom Spreadsheet
Using a paper spreadsheet might be useful if you want to post it on the bedroom wall as a daily reminder (to her). But I decided to take a subtler approach. I downloaded an app that was designed for women who are trying to get pregnant. It tracks ovulation and body temperature on a calendar, but it also has other data fields, including the date and frequency of coital encounters and even the number of orgasms!
After I started using this app, whenever I saw that it had been more than two weeks since our last roll in the hay, I would inform her of this fact. Of course, she would always deny it, so I showed her the calendar on the app to prove it. Within a few weeks after I started this, my wife became more self-conscious about her nuptial performance. She even downloaded the same app and kept track of it herself.
There were a few times when the “intercourse” field was blank for more than a couple weeks. When I pointed this out to her, it provoked her ego. She immediately shot back with a bunch of hamsterbated justifications. I told her to check the app and see for herself. She did, and after that, her indignation died down. She was too angry to make it up on the spot, but she was back in action within a day or two. After a while, she became more diligent than me at keeping record. Now, she usually tries to get 1 point a week at the minimum, and she feels guilty if she doesn’t.
I made up a grading system like this.
Raw Sex Performance Score = (Number of sexual encounters) x 100%/(Number of days in a given time frame)
Adjusted Sex Performance Score* = [(Number of sexual encounters) – (Number of refusals**)] x 100%/(Number of days in a given time frame)
Raw Marital Sex Score = (Number of sexual encounters) x 100%/(Number of days married)
* The Adjusted Sex Performance Score takes into account her general responsiveness and attitude. This is important because men take refusal/rejection hard, and it has a strong negative effect on his view of the wife.
** The number of refusals is counted as a penalty because 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 specifically instructs husbands and wives not to refuse the other.
To offer an illustration of how this grading system is used, let’s consider the month of July as a given time frame. During July, Brad initiated sex 19 times. His wife, Maddi, refused 5 times and spread her lotus petals 14 times. Thus,
Raw Sex Performance Score = 14*100%/19 = 73.7% –> C
Adjusted Sex Performance Score = (14 – 5)*100%/19 = 47.4% –> F
In another marriage during July, Greg initiated sex 6 times. His wife, Beth, refused 1 time and spread her buffalo wings 5 times. Thus,
Raw Sex Performance Score = 5*100%/6 = 83.3% –> B
Adjusted Sex Performance Score = (5 – 1)*100%/6 = 66.7% –> D
91-100% = A “Acceptable”
81-90% = B “Boring”
71-80% = C “Catatonic”
61-70% = D “Dead” or “Defunct”
< 60% = F “Somebody will be F*ing someone else soon.”
If the reader thinks this calculation is either too lax or too harsh for his particular station in life, then I suggest it can be weighted, or else calculated another way.
What if a husband refuses sex?
This scenario is much rarer, but it’s the same situation. The big difference is that most women would never tolerate that and would be on to the next man. Older or married women might hang on longer, especially if there are children and she has little income of her own, but if and when such an opportunity presents itself, she’ll have an affair. And if she has the opportunity but chooses not to out of conscience, she’ll resent her husband all the more.
Case Study 2 – Married Incels
Recently, the topic of sexual frequency came up in my men’s group. Every single man there said their wives are wholly disinterested in sex, and that they weren’t getting as much sex as they would like. In a bout of honesty, one retired Boomer told us, in so many words, that his wife thinks she is too old for sex. She told him, “Sex is for kids.” She is past menopause, can’t get wet, and is entirely opposed to having sex. So he goes months without sex and he masturbates with porn regularly — at the age of 72! This surprised me, not only because of his age, but also because, by all appearances, he was a mature Christian.
I shared my spreadsheet story with them. Most of them listened very carefully with smug or amused looks on their faces. But the older guy who was doing porn was outraged and said I was being unloving to my wife. I told him, “No, that’s not true. Our wives feel loved when we give them sexual attention, whether they’re actually interested in sex or not, and age doesn’t matter. I don’t know why your wife is being unloving toward you by denying you sex, but she’s inadvertently pushing you into porn. And if you like squirting p0rn more than your wife, then you’re not very loving to her either.”
He then changed the subject and none of the other guys spoke up.
In another post, Dalrock wrote about the same topic.
“There is a great deal of energy on using sex as a weapon, including when, how, and why to deny sex. The other side to this is all of the energy coming from the deep fear that they will overplay this card, and as I described in Frigidity and power, lose their power.
“What if he watches porn, or even Game of Thrones while I’m denying sex? Then my V will lose its power over him! How do I overcome my own frigidity? If I’m frigid, my V has no power!”
“They already know how to use sex as a weapon, and they already have deep fears that by doing this they risk losing the very power they are trying to wield. They already sensed that misusing sex was making them frigid.”Dalrock: Riding the brake (2015 February 28)
Obviously, this is one of those feminine secrets that is carefully hidden from men. A wife denying her husband sex is much more common than we might think. But it often goes unnoticed because men are not comfortable to discuss this.
As Dalrock wisely notes (in bold), a wife who misuses sex becomes frigid, but on the other hand, getting a wife back into a regular habit of mattress scooting carries the magical effect of reducing her frigidity.
It’s long past time for men to take action. For those men who are being subjected to Dead Bedroom syndrome, you can try keeping score with the method described above.
Each time she refuses your advances, chalk up one mark against her. Each time she refuses, tell her that she is faithlessly neglecting her “marital duty” which she promised to do, and so you are entitled to the remedial option of porn.*
“Oh, you’re too dry/itchy/moody/ tired/(insert excuse) tonight? That’s OK. I wouldn’t want to make you “uncomfortable” because I lurrrve yew tooo much! [sarcasm] But you know, my d!ck isn’t going to suck itself. I have other options to “control my body in honorable way” (1st Thessalonians 4:4) and maintain my own “sanctification”!!! You’re lucky that my ex girlfriend married Dick Thorndike and moved out of town, otherwise, I’d have a real temptation on my lap.” [hyperbolic sarcasm intended]
[Insert wife’s indignant reaction.]
“Oh, don’t worry, after I’m finished, I’ll be sure to mop up the keyboard and clean P0rnHub off the browser history. I won’t be causing you any trouble or embarrassment at all!” [angry sarcasm]**
That said, she cannot legitimately blame you for being “dirty” or “out of control” when human nature finally takes its course. She will also feel an onus of (partial) personal responsibility, which hopefully will act as a goad to her growth.
* Disclaimer: I don’t mean to give anyone the idea that using porn is OK. Of course, it is not a Godly practice. As Christian men, we know porn is bad, but it’s also a real problem that most men struggle with and it needs to be dealt with somehow. Owning up to it and talking about it is a good place to start. Here, I am merely suggesting that the idea of using porn can be used as a point of argumentation with the wife, done in order to drive your point and get her to be emotionally invested in your struggle, rather than allowing her the contentment of being a casual (and cruel) observer.
** Different women have different ideas about porn and masturbation. I think it is important to know how your wife will react if you bring it up. Personally, my wife enjoys porn if she is “in the mood” and occasionally we’ll watch it together as a leadup to foreplay. But if I watch it alone after a long dry spell, she condemns me as “filthy” and is more hesitant to engage in lovemaking. Quite the double standard, I might say.
- Dalrock: A Tale of Two Beaches (2013 January 31)
- Dalrock: Frigidity and power. (2014-8-3)
- E. E. Mazokopakis, “Is Vaginal Sexual Intercourse Permitted during Menstruation? A Biblical (Christian) and Medical Approach”, Maedica (Bucur) 13(3) 183–188 (2018).
- Dalrock: What to do when the tingles wane. (2018 July 5)
- Σ Frame: How to get more frequent, enthusiastic sex from your wife: Overcoming Pride and Psychological Resistance (2018 December 23)