The Importance of Biblical Marriage

Headship is routinely ignored.

Readership: Christians
Theme: The Integrity and Fidelity of Marriage
Length: 1,300 words
Reading Time: 4.5 minutes

Introduction

Not long ago, Mrs. RPA and I had a discussion which turned into an argument. It ended with her accusing me of treating her like a child before she stormed out of the room and slammed the door on her way out.

Why? Well, I spent the week putting together a bible study on wifely behavior, roles, and authority in the family, before talking with her about the argument to set expectations moving forward.  This endeavor took up a good bit of my time.

It seems like whenever you make a move in the right direction, you can expect to be met with resistance, and from those closest to you, no less. The irony is not lost on me either.

I’ve noticed that a lot of what Deti, Jack, and Scott have written about in the past has come out of their own experiences with marriage. I am getting to that point myself lately.

The Mental Load of a Sexless Marriage

One of the first sites I found on sexless marriage was Feminist Comrade Gregoire’s. Yeah her, so you never know how God is going to steer you through life, even using a woman who horribly twists scripture to fit cultural norms to guide others to a better understanding. Since then, I’ve made a habit of reading Comrade Gregoire’s manifestos at her site, To Love Honor and Vacuum, and the comments too.  I use her rubber-band-aid theology as a training ground for detecting doctrinal sleight of hand and to ground myself further in scripture.  One of her common topics she refers to is the “mental load” of being a wife and mother, which is usually followed by a list of how men can make their lives better by taking some of the burden off their wives and adulating them instead.  What often follows in the comments is a man who dares to tell them, and I’ll paraphrase here, “Welcome to adulting!” (assuming she allows the comment) followed by more clucking than when a fox is in the henhouse.

That is when it hit me why Gregoire’s “mental load” argument is so ridiculous to me.  The burden of headship in marriage is great.  The responsibilities of it weigh on the heart, soul, and mind, even when the home is peaceful.  When the home is not peaceful (often because of the wife’s antics), that burden is amplified 10-fold as you pull the weight of your own responsibility and also pull the weight of trying to enforce what is right.

And yet, many men think it is preferable to avoid this burden of Headship authority by passing these duties and responsibilities off to the wife and then taking the easier role of relieving her “mental burden”, as Gregoire teaches. So in the final analysis, men will still jump onto the feminist bandwagon as an assumed! When you consider how feminism and marriage are both such lousy bets for men these days, this makes me question the sanity of the average man!

We cannot neglect Headship!

It seems like too many readers missed the underlying point of Jack’s series on masculinity — that a sanctified marriage is one in which a husband should be able to completely trust his wife. Most readers either did not get this point, or could not accept this as being true. A lot of people went so far as to assume that he was saying that a man should trust his wife regardless of her trustworthiness, or that only weak men do this.

I see this difference in perspective as being responsible for one of the major schisms between readers in the Christian Manosphere. That is, some see the goal of attaining a sanctified marriage as hopeless (lastmod) or futile (Adam Piggott), while others are drawn to the feminist “sales pitch” of the “strong independent woman” as a submissive “helper”, or to put it more rudely, “a woman who will cook, clean, and F, and then go away”. From a more generous and spiritualized perspective, men are attracted to the inherent blessings of a sanctified marriage, but men do not seem to be aware that only Headship can produce this result, nor are they realistic about how to make that happen (aside from those few who have actually done it, by hook or by crook).

One of the reasons I enjoy reading Σ Frame is because it is one of the few Red Pill blogs that represents Biblical marriage as being important. It’s God’s design for us as people, the building block of the church, and when widely practiced a stable society is the result. I urge readers to go read Kirk Durston’s post about how sexual immorality destroys a culture within 3 generations. According to Unwin’s theory (described in Kirk’s post), we are 2 generations into the process.

The “good” information on marriage is essential.  I was not taught any of this and you can see the effects of my ignorance play out in painful detail in my comments.  While I have learned things from my wife, it is not the preferred method of acquiring knowledge.  I am still figuring what works and what doesn’t with my wife, and there are times like I described in the introduction when I contemplate what life would be like if I had stayed single, but there is certainly knowledge that is post worthy, especially from the standpoint of learning from my mistakes.

I like to write posts, time permitting, because I have the feeling that the topic of Headship and Marriage from a Red Pill perspective could be a dissertation that could easily go 400+ pages.  As tertiary education stands right now, no one would be allowed to write such a dissertation, and defending it may actually mean literally defending the dissertation with physical blows or weapons as the feminists come further unhinged.  While I’m not interested in all that, this could yield months of posts.

Our Mission as Men

Many past RP authors have described intersexual dynamics through the lens of economic theory. At its lowest common denominator, this approach is the study of billions of individual choices made in sea of incentives, each of which could be experienced by the chooser in different ways.  Due to the impossibility of analyzing each choice, economists look at the aggregate trends, which is what Dalrock tried to do and did better than anyone else to date.  But then, because we are dealing with marriage, which is God’s foundational building block of society, the study will necessarily splinter into the additional fields of sociology, history, finance, psychology, marriage and family therapy, politics, medicine, law, theology … (you get the idea).

For the purpose of full disclosure, my views will come from a belief in God’s sovereignty, His control over and sustaining of creation, and that He has chosen who are His.  These beliefs color my thinking in all areas of life.  My arrival at this conclusion was after years of being a staunch supporter of the Armenian viewpoint.  Accepting God’s sovereignty and then dealing with the difficult logic of human culpability for sin, given that sovereignty, follows scripture more closely than the logic needed to rationalize God’s sovereignty, along with his perfection and omniscience, and somehow allowing people to choose Him and as such be culpable for our sin.  I know that is not the view of all who comment on Sigma Frame, and while my convictions run deep, it does not bother me all that much that others disagree on this point.

As a final word of encouragement, I think our writings are important because marriage as an institution has fallen apart, and there just isn’t any “good” information available out there. We need to share our testimonies to help others who have or who desire a Christian marriage characterized by Headship.

This entry was posted in Agency, Building Wealth, Collective Strength, Complementarianism, Conflict Management, Courtship and Marriage, Discernment, Wisdom, Education, Enduring Suffering, Female Power, Feminism, Headship and Patriarchy, Holding Frame, Introspection, Leadership, Male Power, Manosphere, Maturity, Personal Growth and Development, Models of Failure, Moral Agency, Organization and Structure, Power, Psychological Disorders, Purpose, Relationships, Sanctification & Defilement, Self-Concept, Stewardship, Strategy, The Power of God, Trust, Zeitgeist Reports. Bookmark the permalink.

12 Responses to The Importance of Biblical Marriage

  1. redpillboomer says:

    “As a final word of encouragement, I think our writings are important because marriage as an institution has fallen apart, and there just isn’t any “good” information available out there. We need to share our testimonies to help others who have or who desire a Christian marriage characterized by Headship.”

    I think there is ‘good information’ out there on intersexual dynamics, aka dating and courtship — the current euphemisms being SMP and MMP respectively, beginning with what Scripture says about it. I have seen some Christian Red Pill men work it out in writing, as on this blog or Dalrock’s old blog, as well as a book or two here and there.

    I think there are two major steps involved working this out. We’re engaged in Step 1 on this blog. We ‘experienced’ men are hashing it out by taking what we know about intersexual dynamics from our life experiences, comparing it to what the Scripture says, and trying to sort it all out into a conceptual framework that makes sense, i.e. aligns with Scripture as well as what we see going on ‘out there’ in the world. This is NOT an easy task, primarily because virtually none of us was taught this stuff EXCEPT by the school of hard knocks, and then us trying to look at Scripture and figure out just what the h*ll happened to us.

    The Step 2, IMO, is where we can really make some progress and be of some potentially real usefulness. It would be to get this conceptual framework that we devise that aligns with Scripture into effectively an “Intersexual Dynamics Book for Dummies.” In other words, how can we get this stuff put in a way that is easier to grasp, especially for the younger men, especially Christian young men, so that they can USE it out in their real world and navigate a very difficult SMP/MMP these days? This, IMO, would be a game changer! Is it doable? Possibly, maybe even probably. Is it easy to do? I doubt it, but we can try.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Rock Kitaro says:

    A good post to start off the year!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. feeriker says:

    “It seems like too many readers missed the underlying point of Jack’s series on masculinity — that a sanctified marriage is one in which a husband should be able to completely trust his wife. Most readers either did not get this point, or could not accept this as being true.”

    I don’t think it’s as much a question of not getting the point or not accepting the truth as much as it’s a question of being able to relate to it. While I believe that most, if not all men hereabouts will agree that a sanctified marriage should be characterized by a relationship of implicit trust between husband and wife, the reality, given the state of marriages today (including –no, especially– Christian ones), is that precious few men ever actually experience such a marriage. Thus, while accepting the premise on an intellectual level, they’ve never been able to apply it in practice.

    Liked by 1 person

    • redpillboomer says:

      “…the reality … is that precious few men ever actually experience such a marriage. Thus while accepting the premise on an intellectual level, they’ve never been able to apply it in practice.”

      The blue pill mindset we were all raised in precludes a lot of this. Even when we do get it, or better to say, begin to get it, how does one begin to apply it? It can seem so disorienting at first, guess that’s one reason it’s been coined ‘Red Pill rage” in it’s earliest stages. I know when I first began to get it, my marriage was in pretty good shape, so it wasn’t like maybe RPA’s or others where I said to myself, “I’ve got to straighten this woman, my wife, out.” For me, it was my relationship to all the OTHER women surrounding me at the time, especially the women in the educational program I was participating in that I needed to apply it with and on. As my lense changed from blue to purple and then red, I was like spitting mad; at myself mostly, but also with the women around me. I started to see clearly that I did not like it one bit the way they were being and acting as women with me and the other blue pill males in the program, and seemingly GETTING AWAY with it. I intended to do something about it, but had no idea what to do exactly.

      I remember one woman in particular that I’d been coaching in the educational program I was co-leading — no, not the 27 year old I’ve written about extensively that effectively red pilled me, this was another one; she unfortunately (for her) crossed-me with a big ole sh!t test while I was in my RP rage stage. I dealt with that sh!t test, but not deftly like I would now. I effectively bludgeoned her verbally with Red Pill fury and I left her a sobbing mess. She later came to me and profusely apologized, saying that after thinking about it, most of what I said to her was right or fair, and that she was very sorry (ashamed like sorrow). I believe she was genuine about it, and probably wondering what the h*ll had happened to me, like “Woe, that guy has had a massive transformation of some sort! Better give him wide berth, aka no more sh!t tests for him. Better let one of my gal pals try to handle him if they’ve even got the guts to try it.”

      My point, I was so new to this RP way of thinking, and so pissed off at myself for failing so many sh!t tests from women in my past, and especially during this program, that I took it all out on her. It worked, but in a sense it was overkill. I’d handle it differently now. I’d deal with her sh!t test without coming unglued and decimating her in the process. I didn’t know how to use this new knowledge properly, but I was bound and determined to make use of it. My mindset was, “These b*itches aren’t going to F me over anymore. I’m DONE with that.”

      However, in looking back, I had a lot to learn, A LOT… and I still do. This stuff is not so easy to apply in real life until your knowledge base grows and you learn how to use it in the real world effectively. But once we men do, I mean really start to grasp (Biblical) headship and how to properly and effectively apply it, women start to respond to it and shape up; maybe not the incorrigible feminist kind of women, but the normal, everyday feminine women. The one’s who have been influenced by the feminine life script, but have not really fully bought into it as the ‘be all, end all’ truth.

      These women respond very well to our headship and I think they (secretly) like it, maybe even love it when we begin to get good at applying it. I’ve noticed my wife likes it a lot too. Sometimes she gets huffy with me about it, but that’s the exception now, not the rule. I’ve also NEVER had better relations with the women around me in the various walks of life. They all seem to get it intuitively and respond accordingly to it in a positive way, or at least in a fairly respectful manner.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Red Pill Apostle says:

        “These women respond very well to our headship and I think they (secretly) like it, maybe even love it when we begin to get good at applying it. I’ve noticed my wife likes it a lot too. Sometimes she gets huffy with me about it, but that’s the exception now, not the rule. I’ve also NEVER had better relations with the women around me in the various walks of life. They all seem to get it intuitively and respond accordingly to it in a positive way, or at least in a fairly respectful manner.”

        Ditto. I’d add that people in general, both men and women, respond differently to you when you are able to calmly and confidently apply RP concepts. The best explanation I can offer for why this tends to be the case is that people respond well to leadership that keeps the goal in focus and can matter of factly hold people to the standards necessary to achieve the goal.

        Liked by 1 person

      • redpillboomer says:

        “I’d add that people in general, both men and women, respond differently to you when you are able to calmly and confidently apply RP concepts.”

        Very true. I’ve been a part of men’s teams for over four years now. When I first joined I was blue pill at the time, about to be red pilled, so during year one on the men’s team I’d characterize myself as blue pill at first, then purple pilled. I’d taken the red pill, but it took awhile, about six months, for it to fully ingest in me, hence the purple color.

        By year two I was fully red pilled and began to really go to work on myself. As I worked through my ‘red pill rage’ and devoured Manospherian content, I slowly became aware that my stature was growing with the men around me. I didn’t actually DO anything different with them that I was aware of, no ‘RP truth bombs’ dropped or such, but somehow I was showing up differently with them and they sensed it. It was like their respect for me was rising just because they sensed something DIFFERENT about me. I think in part because I was listening to them from an increasingly red pill lense. I was really getting fully present to just how blue pill they were in many ways without judging them for it. After all, they were me just twelve months or so earlier. I had some compassion for them, but at the same time I was vowing not to be like that anymore.

        Now, I still participate on a men’s team, and anywhere I can inject some red pill awareness, either overtly or covertly, I do so. Every little bit makes a difference, and with every little bit I can sense their respect for me grows. I just have to be really judicious in how I do it. I’ve learned to ‘measure’ it out before dishing it out. The guys only seem to be able to handle just so much of it at a time, like a little bit here and there.

        I think men, because they are made in the image of God’s masculine, deep down, subconsciously resonate with red pill thinking no matter how blue pill they are. They KNOW something isn’t right in the world and not working between the sexes, but they struggle to articulate it in a language they don’t have. The only one’s who seem to have a problem with it are what we refer to in the ‘Sphere as White Knights, SIMPs, or Mangina’s, men who curry favor with women by aligning philosophically with them via feminist ideology. They are not reachable for the most part because they are close-minded.

        Fortunately there are not too many of those in the group. It’s mostly regular guys trying to get a grip on life and become better versions of themselves. I will say, it is easier IMO to do it through a red pill approach then a blue pill approach, but I imagine that’s pretty self-evident to the men on here because we’ve been on both sides of the fence.

        Liked by 2 people

  4. catacombresident says:

    The Bible presents a model of ideals, which includes a host of elements we cannot possibly emulate in our society today. Most of it is flatly illegal. The difficulty is reading between the lines and making some applications for our current context. Everyone has their own approach to that, and discussion tends to grind to a halt too easily. So we end up with a lot of men who can explain how they manage a less-than-perfect marriage, but most of them cannot verbalize the broader principles, only what they’ve experienced in their particular instance. And the few who have wonderful marriages seem largely unable to verbalize a HOWTO because it was mostly a miracle of faith, not something they accomplished.

    I seriously doubt a single book we could write today is going to answer the need. The real need is real people discussing their real lives and encouraging others to stay the course of faith. I’m convinced that God speaks most clearly in an active community of discussion. The existing legacy of principles can only take you just so far.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. feeriker says:

    “I seriously doubt a single book we could write today is going to answer the need. The real need is real people discussing their real lives and encouraging others to stay the course of faith.”

    I think the problem is much more fundamental than that. In order to have a biblical marriage, both parties have to 1) understand clearly what a biblical marriage is, and 2) once the definition is understood, LIVE THAT MARRIAGE by committing its principles as the very center, soul, and core of the union. It seems painfully obvious that most self-described Christians don’t do either of the two points above and that, quite frankly, most don’t want to, especially wives.

    For those who are familiar with the term “Cafeteria Christian,” biblical marriage is the one item on the Scriptural menu that is the perpetual leftover. Almost no one dishes it up, even though it contains nutrients that are vital to any marriage that is to glorify God, which is Christian marriage’s primary purpose. Within this context it is thus wholly unsurprising that so few “Christian” marriages glorify anything good, least of all God. That most of Western Christianity is in obstinate, even violent denial of this is one of the key reasons for the institutional church’s ongoing implosion.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Pingback: Rights and Responsibilities within Marriage | Σ Frame

  7. Pingback: Infidelity is anything short of fidelity. | Σ Frame

  8. Pingback: What Changes after Marriage? | Σ Frame

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s