What goes around, comes around, for better or for worse.
Readership: Men; The Married;
Author’s Note: This post was cowritten with Jack.
Length: 2,350 words
Reading Time: 8 minutes
The Joys of Headship
Headship and Patriarchy have been some of the most popular targets for feminist ire. The preferred approach is to demonize a straw man representation of Headship, demonstrating an inability to appreciate the benefits of true Headship. They prefer not to admit that those benefits extend to both men and women. This attitude has become so pervasive, that now, the joys and benefits of Headship are no longer well recognized.
Deti pointed out one way that Headship can lead to increased sanctification for both sexes, and which has gone undetected by women.
“When I think back to the women who meant the most to me, they all have one thing in common: They all freely and without reservation gave their entire selves to me, no matter when I asked, or how I asked. Yes, that includes their having sex with me in whatever form or fashion I was looking for.
Yes, those women were looking for something in return for the sex they were giving. The point here is that those women gave me everything I asked for, how I asked for it, when I asked for it. So when it came time for me to give them “something in return”, I was only too happy to give it.
It isn’t just WHAT they gave me. It was that they gave it to me when I wanted it which indicates they cared about ME. It was that they gave it to me in the specific way I wanted it which indicates a willingness to submit and take direction. They gave it to me without a crass expectation that I’d be at the immediate ready with a return ‘payment’ which indicates they trusted me.
A Word to Women: We want you to trust us. We want you to care about us. And we want you to cooperate with us and submit to us.”
Here, Deti basically said that a woman who submits herself fully to what a man wants, how he wants, and when he wants, ends up with a man who will happily meet her request. This agrees with my own life experience. I would add that in my life, there have been times when a person has given to me, sometimes without even realizing how helpful they had been or how much relief they gave me, and I can say that, for that person, anything I could do for them would be done, just because they wanted or needed it. Feminists prefer to remain ignorant of this basic fact.
Running a 3-Legged Race
Hebrews 12 describes the Christian life as running a race. In marriage, this becomes a 3-legged race (a race among groups of two people who have one leg tied together). To run a 3-legged race successfully, one person has to call the command to execute the cadence, otherwise, they will trip over each other and stumble.
Jack has written tomes about how husbands mold their wives, but wives can have a significant influence on their husbands by serving as a joyful inspiration for men to develop into strong, confident, responsible men. Wives also need to restrain themselves from doing things that would limit or retard the development of their husband’s potential. Women do this by submitting themselves to a man, because when a woman adopts this position of humility, it draws out men’s innate desire to protect, provide, and lead. A husband cannot achieve this state of grace if the wife is expecting or demanding him to be obedient. Of course, women don’t like to hear this truth, but she has the unique role of providing him additional motivation to run beyond the minimum of provision.
We might conjecture that most wives would not mind being in full submission to a husband who loves her enough to die for her and shows it by the way he lives for her. But getting to that state of bliss is another matter.
The current zeitgeist maintains the idea that marriage is a 50/50 relationship,* but this concept doesn’t agree with a Biblical concept of marriage, and it certainly fails to consider the admonition in Ephesians 5:25 that a husband should be willing to sacrifice his own life for his wife (although this aspect of Christianity does appeal to women). If the husband must go to extreme lengths to appease or protect his wife, without any internal motivation, then that is a losing race. In a 50/50 relationship,* it is not the wife who is being manipulated, it is the husband who has been duped into forfeiting his place as Head. Such a deluded and weak husband might be willing to wash the dishes for his wife, but when shove comes to stab, it is unlikely that he would have the wits and courage, or even the desire, to give his life for hers.
* A 50/50 relationship is a flight of fancy as there can be only one captain of the ship. In practice, any relationship that is described as being 50/50 by default means the woman rules as the man has yielded his rightful captaincy (headship).
Case Study — RedPillApostle’s Marriage
I am a very good example of a man whose wife actively tore her own house down.
My primary reason for wanting Mrs. Apostle as my wife was the foundational friendship and openness that we shared in the beginning. But over the years, she has consistently undermined the trust that I once had in her. In addition to most everything else Jack listed in his post about women’s manipulation techniques, over the course of our marriage she has used sex as a weapon, as a negotiating tool, and when she has not, it has been begrudgingly given with a bad attitude, and only in a manner as she wanted, accompanied with obstinate arguing, backbiting, and defiance.
Had I more Red Pill knowledge back when we first married, I may have been able to mitigate the damage to our marriage. But because I operated under a faulty Blue Pill paradigm as a husband, I did not check her poor behavior. Now, it’s damage control, risk maintenance, and stress avoidance. Since being Red Pilled, I have made some major adjustments, and since then, I have won all the major battles in our marriage due to pure force of will, such as how we manage our finances, where we go to church, the cars we drive, and even stopping the behaviors that led to a sexless marriage. However, these battles were incredibly stressful for me at times, and often prolonged over a period of months. The victories — over the areas of our marriage that are mine to determine — came at a great cost. It is a cost, the depth and breadth of which, she may never fully realize because we live a comfortable life in a good area of the country.
But there is another cost to her as well, and it is this: If the biblical admonition to a husband to lay down his life for his wife ever became a circumstantially legitimate question for me, the honest answer now, as sinful as it may turn out to be, is almost certainly not. But it was not always this way.
Ephesians 5:25-27 indicates that the husband should be willing to die for his wife. But given the condition of marriage these days, I doubt that many men, even Christian men, would have such willingness. Not even close! Many men (if not most) would rather avoid marriage altogether!
Willingness is driven by incentive and motives. So when Christian men ponder what this verse might mean for them, maybe the right question to ask is, “What is the motivation?” In his book, The Marriage Builder, Larry Crabb boiled it down to this—is the motivation manipulation or ministry?
If it is manipulation, then the husband is doing it because he expects his wife will be happier and treat him better. This is reminiscent of the “Happy Wife, Happy Life” dynamic which we know is basically the dancing monkey type of male submission. A husband operating within this paradigm is holding himself to an inherent covert contract* and is thus a weak husband. Again, a weak husband would be less likely to die for his wife.
If he is doing it out of the idea of ministering to her then he isn’t doing it for his own benefit. He is doing it for hers. But if the relationship is not glorifying God by conforming to a Headship structure, and thereby tapping into the blessings of the Holy Spirit on a daily basis, then they’re only left with a unilateral will (his) to maintain the union. Even the most generously loving and self-sacrificial husband will eventually reach that limit if his gestures are not returned nor appreciated.
Baumeister, et al. have concluded that repeated acts of self-control can have short term impairments on subsequent acts of self-control, suggesting that willpower is limited by energy levels (i.e. blood glucose). However, Baumeister et al. found that motivation and Framing (really!) can block the deleterious effects of ego depletion.
Someone might say that it is neither manipulation nor ministry, but merely glorifying God by being obedient and imitating Christ. If a life threatening situation ever arose, would it glorify God to be obedient to this scripture? Does it ever glorify God to be a lemming? Was Jesus a lemming when He submitted himself to death? No, the message of the gospel contained in John 3:16 states that Jesus had an external purpose (our salvation), and Hebrews 12:2 states he had an internal motivation. Jesus endured the cross for the joy that was set before him. What kinds of joy do husbands get from their wives, that they should be willing to suffer or die?
* A covert contract is an unspoken agreement you have within your head between you and somebody else. It’s what you expect someone to do — based on what you’re doing for them or based on what you expect from a relationship — without actually telling them about it. You assume they’ll just know. The covert contract was described by Robert A. Glover in his book, No More Mr. Nice Guy (2003). A summary can be found here.
How Scott’s Axiom Applies
There’s an old meme that says, “If someone hates you for no reason, then give that motherf___er a reason.” It’s dank and uncouthly funny, precisely because it’s inherently true to human nature. It’s also a viable Tit-for-Tat strategy, although altruistic Christians might be hesitant to admit this. We could spin this in a positive way to apply to marriage: “If your wife loves you for no reason, then give that sweet c___sucker a reason.” The same psychological and iterated game dynamics apply. The overriding idea here is that we get a loop that feeds on itself both positively and negatively.
What these sentiments point to is what an attitude of gratefulness does inside a man and this is something that almost all women miss — that the secret to her happiness in marriage is cultivating that attitude of gratefulness in her husband.
Which brings us to why Scott’s Axiom about a woman being so crazy about you that she would break all her rules for you is so important.
Scott’s axiom applied to relationships is the best bet for having a built-in positive feedback loop from the start. Just like Deti described above, she’s willing to do anything you want, when you want, how you want, just to please you… and the gratefulness that motivates a man shows up in his fond thoughtfulness towards her, and in a willingness to do things for her that she wants. She then feels loved and cherished which reinforces her behavior that is pleasing to him.
When you have a woman like this, Jesus, Peter, and now you, are the only people who walk on water!
A woman has great control over the happiness of her own life by serving and pleasing her husband, but feminism has made this culturally taboo and goes the complete Satanic route of labeling that which is good (male Headship and female submission) as bad.
What the obstinate and belligerent wife gets for her behavior is the exact opposite of what she wants from a husband. She gets emotional distance, physical withdrawal, less patience, less kindness, less love and grace… and should the man have the temperament to endure the behavior long enough and not divorce her, then she gets apathetic indifference. This type of relationship is characterized by a man minimizing the hassle in his life. She adds an unbearable amount of stress, so he seeks to reduce it by limiting contact with her, and by looking for less stressful endeavors in other areas of his life.* The relationship is characterized by tolerance and meeting a minimum standard to perpetuate the status quo. In short, what should be a rich relationship that serves as a metaphor of the church’s relationship with Christ becomes one of endurance, sheer willpower, and desensitization to one’s wife — and this only serves to make life tolerable and prevent any more advanced destruction — hardly a marriage that glorifies God.
Whereas the woman who is strong in faith and obeys God’s Word about pleasing her husband and obeying him willingly does the opposite and ends up happy as a result.
* Some men will pour themselves into long hours of work, while other men might turn to alcohol, gambling, gaming, smoking, or other stress-relieving activities. Some high value men may even find a paramour. This is not to say these distractions are Christian methods of dealing with marital discord, but rather to point out how unChristian behavior can naturally result from a wife’s marital disobedience.
- Shrink 4 Men: High-Conflict Phases of Abuse, Blame Shifting, Distortion, Rage and Manipulation Diagram (2010-11-15)
- Σ Frame: 16 Qualities of an Irresistible Woman (2017-12-01)
- Dalrock: Pity the wife who doesn’t yearn to please her husband. (2019-12-03)