Does spiritual maturity count for anything in the SMP, MMP, or marriage?
Theme: The theme for September is The Maturity of Faith.
Length: 1,500 words
Reading Time: 5 minutes
For all of my life, and probably for many years before that, there has been an unstated presumption that godliness is attractive.
There have been many sermons preached and books written over the decades which have encouraged young people to “draw near to God” as a way to become more attractive to the opposite sex and to find a husband or wife.
Whenever young people have lamented about their problems in finding or attracting an appropriate partner, the usual response from religious tradcons is that they “need to love God more”, or that they are “not close enough to God”. Likewise, the standard advice given to married men seeking to improve their marriages is for them to “grow in godliness”.
This explanation seems to imply that “loving God” or “getting closer to God” (whatever that might mean), will magically bring that special soul mate into one’s life, and the resulting bliss will allow one to live happily ever after – or so it is naïvely believed. Likewise, this advice to married men presupposes that him being “more godly” will somehow transform his wife into a faithful submissive nymph and all marital conflict will then evaporate overnight.
Yes, “godliness” is toted as the answer to all ills, yet this “godliness” was never defined well enough that a man might take some actionable steps to become more attractive. So in short, all this talk simply amounts to a trite dismissal of the issue, if not downright man bashing. Meanwhile, it is easily observed that church going men are on the less favorable end of the SMV scale.
First of all, what is godliness? When people use the word “godly” in reference to someone, I presume it is, in general, a shorthand way to describe a person with some combination of the following traits.
- Having a thankful attitude.
- Faith that is shown by trust and confidence.
- Having a sufficient amount of self-discipline.
- Able to draw proper boundaries in their relationships with others.
- A degree of wisdom characterized by the discernment of good and evil.
- Emotional and spiritual maturity; consideration for others desires and needs.
- Having good, wholesome habits; cleanliness, regular exercise, proper diet, etc.
- A healthy self-respect; acting appropriately and in congruence with the social context.
- Manifesting fruits of the spirit; peace, patience, kindness, goodness, self-control, and so forth.
- For men, focusing on their work, their mission. For women, cultivating a spirit of kindness, humility, and grace.
- I will presume that men who are more masculine and women who are more feminine are more godly.
- Knowing one’s self; values, personality, personal desires, personal weaknesses, what is needed for one’s spiritual growth…
- A healthy ego characterized by a combination of an appropriate self-esteem and humility; not too arrogant, but not supercilious nor obsequious either.
Readers may add others. I’ll offer a more complete list of kinds and sorts in an upcoming post. &
The fact that these traits are attractive has certainly been manifested in many observable, but admittedly anecdotal examples, which create the appearance that “godliness is attractive” is indeed true (at least in those cases). But the examples given always include people who are already quite attractive, so the connection to these traits of godliness is not so clear.
On the other hand, there is weighty evidence that apparently shows the opposite to be true. For example, Heartiste has made it abundantly clear that women, and I will add that even “Christian” women, are passionately attracted to rogue figures, while men, yes, even “Christian” men, are attracted to porn and sluttiness – not godliness.
Christian blogger Dalrock always excoriated any admonition for men to grow in godliness as a form of game. He was convinced that the attractiveness of a man in women’s eyes has no correlation with his spiritual maturity. He believed there was more to it than Mere Christianity.
Experiencing attraction is quite simple for men; a woman is attractive if she has good health, youth, indicators of fertility, thin, long hair, WHR = 0.6, and a certain feminine allure… If she is “doable”, to put it bluntly. It’s not nearly as simple for women; a man is attractive if he is 6 feet tall, has charisma, and a nice harmony of PSALMS – which would easily put him in the top 5% of all men.
But then there is the question of whether “attractive” is equivalent to godliness, or if it truly means whatever we think it means. There is the notion that one’s “love aura” is somehow related to godliness, spiritual maturity, and so on. But is this kind of emotional and spiritual maturity a fundamental element of the attractiveness that is associated with sexual appeal, or how attractive one is to the opposite sex? More pointedly, is spiritual maturity responsible in any way for the same kind of attractiveness that can actually draw IOIs and wedding proposals?
Similar to the confusion about what “godliness” means, never does anyone go into detail about what attraction actually means, nor how godliness is attractive, nor how to be a “hawt sexxxy Christian man”. Such a train of descriptors seem to be an absurd oxymoron, and yet we are expected to overlook this connotation and understand that the underlying assumption is true.
But is there any truth to this claim? If so, then why does it remain hidden from our conscious understanding?
Where does godliness fit into the attraction equation?
How does Attractiveness relate to Godliness?
Before we dismiss the whole notion that godliness is attractive, I’d like to examine this topic in further depth, and blend it into this month’s theme about the Maturity of Faith, which includes Growth and personal transformation. I hope that readers will find this topic as fascinating as I have.
I’ve touched on this subject before – many times – for example…
The post, How to Develop an Attitude of Detachment (2020 July 10), gave us an understanding of how detachment is very healthy, psychologically, socially, and spiritually. When we understand how maintaining Frame is the same as setting socio-emotional boundaries, then we can also understand why detachment is attractive to women — because it is an indicator of inner strength, authentic independence, and maturity in a man.
In another post, A Revised Understanding of Game (2020 September 14), I pointed out that the essence of Game lies in a man’s charisma, his discernment, and his skill in drawing boundaries. I took this further in Mood can be Hypnotizing (2020 October 16), in which I described how charisma is an important part of attraction.
Birds of One Feather Flock Together (2020 October 26) described two contextual states in which one experiences interpersonal attraction. I labeled these two types as a carnal attraction or a spiritual attraction.
The Motivation of Desire (2020 December 1) made the claim that a woman who submits to the spiritual authority of Headship is more attractive.
“A woman usually won’t submit and respect a husband unless she feels a strong need for security, love, attention, and guidance. She might do this out of her own willpower, knowing that it’s commanded in the Bible, and/or because it’s the right thing to do. But she won’t experience the renewing power of authority in her soul unless she has some kind of internal motivation to do so (e.g. a strong libido, desiring the joys of sanctification, feeling broken by personal failures, or having various spiritual needs like trust, forgiveness, or a venue for expressing humility). This internal motivation is what drives the heart to be authentic and open.”
The Greatest Archetype (2021 May 21) conveyed the cat-and-mouse game that is played between a man and a woman as an archetype of Christ’s relationship to the church (and by extension, individual men). RedPillApostle summed this up quite succinctly as follows.
“Marital headship is God’s model for the family that mirrors that of Christ and the church, albeit without the perfect headship of Christ. As such, the wife, much like Peter in the example, needs to come to her end as the strong, independent woman that tries to usurp the husband’s headship before she will take her role as the helpmate. When she does get to the point of submission to her husband’s headship, she will start to see the real blessing of peace in her life. God did not make women to be able to bear the responsibility of headship, He made women to fall in line and support a man’s headship. The marital relationship, with the fullness of intimately knowing another person emotionally, intellectually and physically, is richer and experiences the blessings of peace when it aligns with God’s design.”
In summary, I do believe there is a connection between spiritual maturity and attraction, sex, and love, but the connection is abstract and therefore not clearly apparent. We’ll be investigating this phenomenon in a series of posts this month, and then our readers can decide for themselves.
- Dalrock: Don’t blame Heartiste for the equation of Alpha with virtue. (2015 June 13)
- Σ Frame (NovaSeeker): Deciphering Concepts of Attraction (2021 April 19)
- Truth and Tolerance: Godliness is not Attractive? (2021 August 10)