…that only the bad guys know!
Author’s Note: This post contains contributions from Deti, Oscar, and RedPillApostle. Links to original comments are embedded.
Length: 2,100 words
Reading Time: 7 minutes
The Romantics: Talking in Your Sleep (1983)
As described in The Feminine Secret (2021-08-16), women love fantasy and they love keeping secrets. This is an innate characteristic of female nature.
Young girls have a little game they play about keeping secrets. “Can you keep a secret?” They will share little tidbits of the personal or the profane and then watch to see whether their confidante spills the beans. This game is centered on trust and loyalty. Girls who are able to keep a lid on it earn the status of a trusted friend. Those who cannot fall under the bus in the immediate fallout, but eventually rework their identity to become more of a powerful gatekeeper who can be trusted to pass and review gossip to see whether it is true or not. Later in life they learn the wisdom and discipline necessary to keep some things secret while also being a whistleblower on the liars and tricksters.
Even as adults, women like to play this game. Women I’ve dated have coyly said to me, “Can I tell you a secret?” Then after my assent, they’d pull me close and whisper in my ear some forbidden fantasy that they long to experience with me, or sometimes it’s just a simple “I love you!”.
Case Study – A High School Story
When I was in the 8th grade, a group of schoolmates who lived in my neighborhood sat in the grass one night under the starlight and we shared our secrets. When my next door neighbor, a girl two years older than me, told us that she started having sex with her boyfriend, I protested, saying it’s not right and it’s too soon for her. Before I finished my sentence, an older boy shoved me and told me to get lost, so I left the huddle. About 30 years later, that same girl, now a married mother, sent me a message on FB, saying I was right and that she should have listened to me.
Did it help her to divulge this secret?
Fun Filthy Fantasies
Everything I’ve discussed so far are rather healthy behaviors, but when sharing secrets goes beyond issues of trust, loyalty, self-revelation, and modesty, and delves into the realm of concealment, deception, lies, and manipulation, this is the point at which the secret keeping wades into what men would consider the muck and mire.
But women don’t see it this way.
Most women who lie and deceive by failing to divulge the truth about themselves need not worry about burdening their consciences with the guilt of being a liar. This is because women can always count on the good nature of men to give them the never failing P-Pass, and thus, guilt never has the opportunity to kick in. A discerning Chad, however, might hold her toes to the oven of the hell she has stoked, to soak in its heart melting warmth, and thereby give her good reason to be concerned about eternal consequences. But a white knight will never know the value of a good sound soul spanking towards weaning a witch off of her b!tchcraft.
Given the absence of negative punishment, women will keep secrets for positive rewards — reasons I discussed in The Feminine Secret. This is especially obvious when we adopt a teleological approach by examining Secrecy according to the most desired response when it is successfully employed (i.e. acceptance, inclusion, humility*, loyalty, and heartfelt Trust), which more often than not, is taken to be the ostensible goal of Secrecy. This is different and separate from the fundamental goal of Secrecy, which is more related to self-expression, bonding, emotional connection, building rapport, and maintaining social relevancy.
Individual-specific desires, characteristic traits, and personal identity are central to the dynamics of Secrecy.
The purposes for Secrecy are unique to each woman and her confidantes, and it is largely dependent on the context. Typical purposes for Secrecy include the following.
- Secrecy serves to establish, maintain, and enrich a relationship.
- Secrecy allows her to create an attractive, protective Machiavellian shroud — a public persona that appears much more desirable than her true self.
- Secrecy provides more control to the social context in which her public persona can manifest.
- Secrecy allows her to avert or deflect accusations, embarrassment, shame, or whatever unfavorable emotion she may be exposed to on a daily basis.
- Secrecy enables her to experience the joyful shame (or the shameful joy) of being humbled/defiled, which is experienced subjectively as inclusion, love, and grace.
To elaborate on the last point, when a woman can experience Humility* by sharing all her obscene desires and perfidious deeds with another, she can experience acceptance, inclusion, and Grace, meaning that she can get the conviction that her life is ostensibly “better” than what she feels she deserves. This is a key element in both satisfying her need for authentic social inclusion, and establishing a network of loyal trusted accomplices who will aid her in any situation she may herself machinate or else stumble into amid her many life adventures. So Secrecy also abets her need for security.
In many respects, Secrecy, for women, is very similar to what Game (i.e. applied charisma) is for men. We might even say that Secrecy is Girl Game.
* The concept of Humility is here defined according to the Christian understanding of the word, and not the worldly connotation of being shamed. For those of my readers who are unfamiliar with this distinction, the differences are described in a previous post, Apprehending True Humility (April 7, 2019). Of particular note to this essay, Humility is a key ingredient in experiencing love.
Levels of Secrecy
I’ll offer this rough order of relationship role complicity. Some things women would divulge to people higher on this list, would not be told to people lower on this list. Individuals may vary in specific order.
- Select girl friends
- Group of girl friends
- STR partner
- Mixed group of friends
- LTR partner
- Unattractive men
Note the general order. Peer females are at the top of the list, while men are at the bottom of the list, with the exception of a STR partner.
Men have the notion that a woman who loves him will be willing to share all her secrets with him, but this is far from the truth. A woman will only tell a man all the nitty gritty from her past if she sees him as a STR. If a woman is LTR/marriage minded, she’ll share very little about her past, and even lie about certain things.
A Short List of Dark Secrets
Here’s a shortlist of secrets that women commonly hold, taken from crowdsources, surveys, and scientific studies. As you will see, while some of these secrets are related to modesty or public image, most of them revolve around sex and soft power.
- Trying or using recreational drugs.
- That women despise/dislike/hate someone who by all observable accounts appears to be close to them. Oscar pointed out that a group of girls will often talk with each other like they are “BFFs”, but if one of them should leave, then all the rest would start gossiping about her. Oscar posed the interesting question, “Do they not realize that all of them are doing the same thing to each other?”
- Liking certain activities primarily because it draws sexual attention, simulates sexual freedom, stimulates sexual desire, and/or offers a sexualized ambience/mood/environment. For example, high watt bass amplifiers, bar hopping, clubbing, dancing, dressing provocatively, drinking, Instagram/OnlyFans, reading romance novels, horseback riding, riding big motorcycles, sensuous or profane jazz/R&B music, and doing various activities in the nude (e.g. hiking, rock climbing, skydiving, sunbathing, swimming, etc.)
- That women’s attraction vectors are constant and consistent. They’re all attracted to pretty much the same basic masculine traits and characteristics. Women all have an unspoken secret subconscious pact that requires them to lie about all this so they can maximize the number of men they can use for whatever purposes they see fit.
- That if she is sexually attracted to a man, she will let that man do pretty much whatever he wants to do, to her and with her.
- That if she is NOT sexually attracted to a man, then nothing he does will ever be good enough for her.
- That the number one sign of a lack of sexual attraction is not disrespect, but contempt (often indicated by curt insults, sighing, and rolling their eyes).
- That women view all unattractive men with contempt, but will justify their contempt with nitpicking.
- Most women are members of a mixed friend group consisting of both men and women. All the women in that group have had sex with the one or two most attractive male group members. All the group members except the unattractive men know this.
- That all the women know all the other men their girlfriends have had sex with (a secret learned from her associates).
- That all the women know which men are good in bed (another secret learned from her associates).
- Sharing/recommending male partners with/to girlfriends.
- Hooking up with a man just because he has a big beautiful shaft or some other unique sex-positive trait (a secret learned from her associates).
- Almost all women have had sex with other men before they met you.
- That you are not the best lover she has ever had, or will ever have.
- That you were not her first choice. She wanted to date/marry someone else.
- That most of the sex you have with her is not that good for her, even though she might say the opposite.
- Actual N count is a highly cherished secret (yes, some women are actually proud of it) which is closely guarded due to anti-s1ut defense mechanisms.
- That if a woman is having an affair, her closest girlfriends will know about it, but they will NEVER EVER tell her husband under any circumstances, not even decades after the affair has ended.
- If one of the women in a group even suspects that one of their boyfriends/husbands is out of line in any way, she will tell his wife, and neither of them will tell him unless it is decided that a drama-filled confrontation is in order. She will protect her girlfriends’ marriages against the women’s own sins and will even help her girlfriends sin against their marriages. She will not hesitate to interfere in a marriage if she thinks the husband is “sinning”.
- Girls’ Nights’ Out are particularly insidious for the above reasons. The first rule of Girls’ Nights’ Out is: You do not talk about what happens on Girls’ Nights’ Out. The second rule of Girls’ Nights’ Out is: You do not talk about what happens on Girls’ Nights’ Out.
- That she masturbates. (80% of American women [1,2])
- Giving fellatio. (80% of American women [1,2])
- Viewing pornography (60% of American women )
- Sending digital nude or semi-nude photos to someone. (54% of American women )
- If she is a squirter or not. According to a 2013 study of 320 participants, anywhere from 10-54% of women ejaculate.
- Having sex in public. (43% of American women )
- Receiving anal sex (37% of American women )
- Being spanked and not disliking it (30% of American women )
- Having a crush (or something more incestuous) with a step-brother, cousin, or other close family member. (No data available.)
- Having sexual relations in exchange for money, drugs, alcohol, getting a job position, raise, promotion, or other preferred status, or to receive other types of commodities, favors, or attention. (No data available.)
- Cuckoldry. Estimates of so-called “paternal discrepancy” over more than 50 years has revealed that the acting father was not the biological parent in between 1% to a whopping 32% of the cases. An intergenerational study estimated that 1-2% of men of any generation raise a child that isn’t theirs.
- Engaging in threesomes (10-20% of American women [1,3,4])
- Participating in orgies/group sex. (8% of American women [1,3,4])
- Bestiality, fondling pets or other animals, and/or any related fantasies and desires. (No data available.)
This is by no means a complete list. I suspect that if all the dark secrets that women hold were to be known and written down, then the deep dark depths of the Mariana Trench would not supply room enough to hide all the books.
Daryl Hall and John Oates: I Can’t Go for That (1981)
- D. Herbenick, J. Bowling, T. C. Fu, B. Dodge, L. Guerra-Reyes, S. Sanders, “Sexual diversity in the United States: Results from a nationally representative probability sample of adult women and men”, PLoS ONE 12(7):e0181198 (2017). https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0181198
- Shape: How Do Your Sex Numbers Compare? (2013-06-13)
- Women’s Health: More People Are Having Group Sex Than You’d Think (2016-01-07)
- Forbes: One In Seven Americans Has Had A Threesome And One In Five Finds Them Appealing (2017-09-20)
- Σ Frame: Can You Trust A Dancing Skeleton? (2018-09-21)
- Σ Frame: Do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing. (2020-01-27)
- Σ Frame: 6 Fundamental Goals Feminists have for Social Change. (2020-09-18)
- Σ Frame: The Sirach on Women (2020-11-28)
- Σ Frame: Why is the online amateur sex industry attractive to women? (2021-01-06)
- Σ Frame: When walking on eggshells, step boldly! (2021-06-30)