A Case Study of a Carousel Rider in Regression.
Readership: All; Men;
Author’s Note: The contents of this series is a summary of journal entries from the dates specified.
Reader’s Note: The theme for the month of August is “Snickerdoodles – Case Studies of Female Failures”. This post is installment 2 of a series.
* Proper nouns have been changed to protect the author from the guilty.
Length: 2,200 words
Reading Time: 7.5 minutes
Rolling in the Lies (Monday, August 27th 2018)
After I came home from work, my wife gave me her phone so that I could peruse her chat conversation with Rhianna.* Most of it was just femtalk, but Rhianna’s general attitude and choice of words revealed some vital tidbits of information about her mental paradigm.
In all her talk about her experiences with men, she never failed to double down with a proud arrogant attitude. She put herself in the seat of a judge over men’s performance, maturity, and behavior. It was obvious to me that this defiant and rebellious attitude would prevent any man from obtaining any joy or satisfaction from being with her.
In addition to this ugly attitude, she carried an underlying distrust of men and an indignant disdain for men’s interest in sex. I’m sure she learned this attitude from all her bad experiences with men in the past – an obvious consequence of her sexual promiscuity. I was certain that this is exactly what men detest about her, and I expressed this to my wife.
Moreover, she wants to keep a man close enough to satisfy her own needs, but not close enough to satisfy his, which would naturally require something from her. All of this fully explains all of her fights with her paramours.
Reading between the lines of her text messages to my wife, I picked up a lot of other information about Rhianna’s lurve laffe. Verbally, she tells them “no sex”, while at the same time, she is sending nude photos to them, and accepting their invitation to visit their apartment late at night. Rhianna doesn’t seem to understand that the overall nonverbal message always trumps the verbal messages, and then she gets angry and frustrated when men expect her to put out. My wife pointed out to her that she is giving men conflicting messages. But even so, she still wanted to blame the men, presumably because she didn’t want to take responsibility for her suggestive behaviors.
I found something else rather interesting about Rhianna’s personality. As I already mentioned, she is an arrogant, pouty-faced proud-@ss, which really turns men off. But whenever she gets the Tingles for a particular guy, she becomes totally obsessed with him, and loses all sense of dignity and self-control. However, no matter how much she wants the guy, she can never swallow her pride, show her vulnerability, and admit her need of a man.
It was obvious to me that Rhianna intentionally clings to a state of denial, and she refuses to face any information that opposes her world view. She only wants to find someone who will agree with her, and pet her hamster.
Since my wife was getting tired of Rhianna’s complaints and becoming frustrated with all this, she asked me how to respond to Rhianna’s texts. I thought about this, and decided that we could try to make it painfully obvious to her that she is a liar without calling her a liar. So I explained the situation to my wife as follows.
“Rhianna is giving those men verbal statements that she does not want to escalate intimacy. A good man will hear these statements and not escalate. But then she thinks they’re a loser for not escalating. OTOH, a man who gets negative signals and then escalates anyway is not respecting her stated wishes. If a man does that, he’s not the type of guy who wants to get married.”
“To make matters more confusing, she is saying that she is not ready for sex, but is simultaneously giving these same men many nonverbal messages that she is DTF. Not surprisingly, the good guys get confused as he11, jump to the worst conclusions about her character, and then drop kick her, while the bad guys move in for the lay. So basically, she is filtering out the marriage minded men, and attracting the f*ckboys.”
“The problem in her mind is that she is operating in a world of feeling. She wants to feel like she is being seduced against her will, when in fact, it is her will to be seduced. She wants to lose control of her desire, and then roil in it. She expects men to know this, to detect and respond to whatever she’s thinking and feeling in the moment, and to escalate the sexual tension in spite of her token resistance. She doesn’t seem to understand that men are goal-oriented and rational, and she refuses to face the fact that men don’t actually have these superpowers of mind-reading. As a result, she is frustrated that men don’t operate according to her mythos, and men don’t respond to her in the way she expects.”
“If she wants a good man who will marry her, then she should tell men exactly what she’s thinking and what she wants. But if she wants to live in an emotional dream world where she can lie and be lied to, then she will naturally attract a bad man.”
“You need to make her see the nature of her ways, and give her a clear choice about which type of man she really wants to do.”
In her own words, my wife relayed this message to Rhianna in her texts. But the ensuing discussion of the matter with her was minimal. It seemed that she had no interest in chasing down her issue of lies and cognitive dissonance. Instead, she resumed giving us an hourly report of her interactions with a new flame. She told us she is marriage minded, but that’s not true at all. She just wants a fast f*ck with a hawt hunk.
It really irritated me to know that Rhianna doesn’t want to listen to what we have to say, and she was not totally honest with either me or Pastor Dan*. Based on what my wife shared with me, Rhianna is only telling us about 20% of the whole story.
A Rigorous Exercise in Cognitive Dissonance (Saturday, September 1st, 2018)
Rhianna came to our shop and talked about sex for 7 hours!
She mentioned a lot of men just want to have sex with her on the same day they met or at the end of the first date. She was very disappointed with those men. She said, “That is sooo dirty! I am a very decent woman… and also drop dead gorgeous! I have a “baby face”, and my voice is just sooo sweet! Men just cannot avoid me! When they meet me, they just go crazy about me! It’s not my fault. They just cannot stop this bad cycle!”
She talked at length about how her previous relationships with those guys had turned out. She said they just had sex with her, and then broke up with her. She told me she was very very sad about this, because she felt like those men just “used her”… and when she dated those four German men, they “took advantage” of her too. Same thing happened with the Australian guy, and the French guy, and the Canadian…
She also told us ALL the details… Whew!
I said, “Wow! You’re so free! You can taste all the flavors of ice cream at the market and then put the opened containers back in the freezer and not buy any of them. If I were one of these men, I would think, “Can I just take it from you?” By the way, you still owe me an apology!” (from the Fork Incident) She became a little more interested in listening to me, but she didn’t really agree with me. So I took a different approach.
I asked her in so many words, “If you think men are taking advantage of you, then why don’t you just tell them to stop?”
She replied, “I think that’s not a big deal. Just touch my fingers… Touch my hand… Touch my waist… I don’t think this is too much for me.”
Then I asked her, “What actually is your boundary? You seem to think men really take advantage of you, but at the same time, you let them do whatever they like, and you don’t think anything they do is wrong. I don’t really understand.”
She answered, “It’s only when they ask me for sex.”
I said, “But that is not your boundary, because you still have sex with them, and quite eagerly too. I don’t think you have any boundaries. You just have a lot of expectations, and you’re not making this clear to them… You’re just making bossy demands when you don’t get what you want. Actually, I don’t think you really know what you want, except to be toyed with.”
She gave me a very shocked and annoyed look but said nothing.
I said to her, “Look at what you’re doing. You want to open that door to see what’s inside, but then you won’t go through that door because it requires some effort and investment on your part to make it work out. But you can’t do it. You just want to be pampered and entertained… But you’ve already opened that door!”
She gave me an incredulous look and responded, “What door?”
I told her, “You want to get married, right? So how do you get through that door? You’re opening the door by getting sexually involved, but you can’t get a commitment that way, because that is not the Christian way to do it.”
“You think you can control the sexual interaction, but you cannot leverage sex to get commitment. Yes, it’s true that you can if you want, but you don’t. You think you can say yes or no, so he can save it, until you want it. But that’s not really how it works. See, the truth is, he’s always “saving it”. He’s just waiting for you to give him a green light. As soon as you give him a nudie pic, or a whiff of Honey Puffs, he’ll get high on the vapors and immediately downshift into sex mode. By doing so, you’re conveying the message that no commitment is necessary to get access to your body. That’s how the cycle works. So you see, the real issue is whether YOU can draw boundaries and convince him that you’re worthy of commitment – not whether he can wait at a green light while you rev his motor. You’re just playing around!”
Apparently, she couldn’t comprehend the notion that she had any agency, because she kept saying that men’s desire for sex is what messes everything up. At one point, I told her, “Sex can be your weapon! Sex can be your tool! …until one day you really fall in love with this man and then you decide to have sex with him! Then YOU become the tool! But instead of cherishing his love and building a nest in his life, you blame his desire for you, cuss him out for it, and harangue him about all kinds of stuff until he can’t tolerate you anymore. And then you have the gall to say YOU feel used! Salami! I can’t understand why you refuse to see that his reaction depends entirely on you! You have never thought about why he might want to marry you.”
A while later in the discussion, this statement finally sank in, and she asked me, “How can I use sex for a weapon?” (which is telling of her cruel, manipulative mindset. If she were more introspective, she would have asked, “How do I use sex for a weapon?”)
I told her, “You already are! Look, if you talk about sex for hours, send him nude pics, or go to his apartment alone late at night with a bottle of wine in hand, that’s a blinding green light. Why should he not expect you to have sex at that point? If you give him a green light, and then slam on the brakes, that’s about as rude and cruel as you could possibly be, because you’re toying with his desire. But you never think about that. Instead, you think they’re toying with you.” (This is the mirror effect of Psychological Projection.)
“Once you give him a green light, you can’t say you “changed your mind” without looking like a cruel, thoughtless, and foolish girl. If you pass that milestone and then try to backtrack, it’s a breach of faith. At that point, sex becomes a tool of manipulation, not a tool of intimacy. If you use sex as a weapon, then don’t be surprised if he fights back or kicks you out. That’s how it works.”
At that, she seemed to get it.
“The bottom line is that you can’t honor nor respect a man and you can’t manage your relationship with a man. Worst of all, you’re selfish and cruel! Looks to me like you’re getting exactly what you dish out.”
She expressed her angsty frustration by saying something about what she wants is not there, but she couldn’t articulate herself any better.
“Now that you understand all this, are you going to take responsibility for what happens, or are you just going to do the same things all over again?”
We’ll find the answer to that question in Part 3.
Meditations on the experiences described above eventually culminated in a slew of posts.
- Σ Frame: Why do Christian women have the reputation of being whores? (2019 February 23)
- Σ Frame: Hitting a glorified nerve at Patheos (2019 March 4)
- Σ Frame: Christian vs. Non-Christian Women – A Negligeeable Difference (2019 March 20)
- Σ Frame: What is glorification? (2019 March 23)
- Σ Frame: Introducing Katie and the Future of Human Mating (2020-06-03)