The basic elements that are so difficult to attain!
Readership: Christians interested in Marriage
Author’s Note: This post is based on a comment I wrote under The Christian Conundrum (2021 March 1), and several other comments from readers under the same post. Links to the original comments are contained in the first word of the paragraph.
Length: 3,600 words
Reading Time: 12 minutes
In this post, I want to review some information that has appeared on Σ Frame and Christianity and Masculinity over the last couple months. This information is a summary of certain traits/characteristics that, when taken together, serve to enhance the male-female relationship (i.e. marriage).
Cameron listed three commonalities with successful marriages (even those that started in sin and without proper screening or planning).
- The marriage is open to (better if enthusiastic for) having children.
- The woman wants to be (primarily) a wife and mother rather than a careerist.
- There was evident attraction from the woman directed towards the man from the get-go. (i.e. Scott’s axiom).
This mirrors conclusions I have made in the past, that marriage is (or should be) about sex (largely dependent on point 3, since women are “gatekeepers” of sex) and having children (point 1), and that it needs to have a Headship structure (implied in the combination of points 2 and 3). Also, point 2 requires the woman’s decided rejection of any self-centered personal ambitions, such as the Feminist Life Script or riding the CC. Point 3 and early marriage discourages the latter.
This also explains why many non-Christians have successful marriages and many Christians do not, as I wrote about in The Christian Marriage Dilemma (2021 February 26).
Deep Strength wrote a rejoinder at Christianity and Masculinity which elaborated on my comment. In What makes a Christian marriage successful? (2021 March 2), he added that these three points reflect the Biblical mandates in Genesis 1 and 2. He writes,
In effect, God’s commands of marriage as an earthly institution first with Adam and then as a helper with Eve are to:
- Take dominion over all the earth
- Multiply and fill the earth
- Cultivate and tend to the garden
- Obey God
- Eve as a helper
So what are men attracted to? Men are generally attracted to physical beauty (e.g. .6-.8 waist to hip ratio), healthy bodies, beauty, etc., which tend to indicate that she is fertile and has a good capacity to bear children — thus fulfilling God’s command to multiply and fill the earth. Femininity is generally nurturing and kind, much like a good helper would be.
So what are women attracted to? Women are generally attracted to PSALM – power, status, athleticism, looks (muscle, etc.), and money and similar things. Power and status? Those tend to correlate with taking dominion. Athleticism and looks/muscle? Those tend to be correlated with protecting and caring for things like the garden and her and her children. Money? Provisioning for her and her children. Masculine traits are helpful for improving all of these to varying degrees.
To circle back around…
These obviously look familiar to Cameron’s and Jack’s assessment of godly successful marriages.
- Marriage is open and/or enthusiastic about having children. Check. Be fruitful and multiply.
- The woman wants to be a wife and mother instead of a careerist. Check. Helper to her man (wife) and be fruitful and multiply (mother).
- Evident sexual attraction. Check. Obviously, a man fulfilling God’s mandate to take dominion, protect and provide for himself (and by extension a wife and children) and obey God (e.g. not put his wife on a pedestal — or as in Heartiste’s rule, “You shall make your mission, not women, your priority!”) is going to be attractive to women. Likewise, a woman that is generally beautiful and feminine will tend to best fulfill the “be fruitful and multiply” and “helper” commands and duties respectively.
These three points might seem like an oversimplified list, however, there are many other factors that work in conjunction with these three points to support the overall state of the union. The remainder of this post will examine these other factors.
Female Virginity is Important
Some readers might object that female virginity is not on the list, but actually, it is listed in the fine print. Virginity and chastity are important because a woman’s N count sharply erodes point 3 and could affect point 1 (e.g. extended family, paternity fraud, etc.).
Concerning how it erodes point 3, Cameron shared a good post from Lori Alexander at the Transformed Wife, entitled, Virginity is a Patriarchal Concept? (2021 March 1). This post includes testimonials from women (and a few from men) about the effects that the lack of virginity/chastity has on a marriage. Here’s one that expresses the basic damage to the soul that results from promiscuity:
“It created an emotional separation basically from sex itself. It’s more of just an act for me than a true connection.”
The non-virgin risks losing the emotional connection inherent in marital sex. The implications of this disconnection are far reaching. This means that her desire for sex, and her enjoyment of sex, is completely dependent on her raw attraction to her husband.
Since ~80% of men cannot inspire raw attraction, this results in the wife only being marginally attracted or not attracted at all to their beta hubby, and leads to a lack of sex, or cold fish “duty” sex given resentfully.
This is a problem because it ruins the bonding and the sense of shared purpose in marriage, and it resets the relationship in terms of female hypergamic-visceral-attraction and the resulting sexual competition.
One testimony emphasizes the lack of the bonding emotional connection in marriage.
“It ruined my view of sex in my marriage for a long time. It affected how I saw my husband for a while too. I treated him like the horrible men from my past that I had no business being with in the first place.”
“I would say this is my biggest regret in life. God created sex for husband and wife, and it isn’t meant to be shared with anyone else. When you share it, it loses its exclusivity. You almost make yourself less ‘special’, if that makes sense.”
Of course, it has to be “special” for her to enjoy it. Given the high rate of premarital sex, even within the church (65%), this explains the prevalence of starfish sex in marriage, which in turn, makes sex less ‘special’ for men.
“Having the memories of past lovers. It would have been a satisfying accomplishment to have been a virgin on my wedding night, but because of fornication, I robbed myself of that.”
Translation: “Having memories of past lovers.” = A symptom of the Alpha Widow syndrome.
Translation: “Satisfying accomplishment” = to be able to experience the aforementioned emotional connection during sex.
Because of her exhilarating past experiences with Alpha Chad(s), she sees her husband as a common Beta Bob in comparison. She gave to another man (or men) what was rightfully only her husband’s, and now she projects her resentment at Alpha Chad, and her own shame, onto her husband.
This is why women with more sexperience always think they should have top quality men — because only those men can induce the raw attraction that would make sex without the emotional bonding a satisfying experience.
Another which alludes to the bonding experience:
“Oh, man. I wish I had never done it before marriage. It’s awful. Sometimes my past experiences are triggered while I am with my husband, and it’s almost as if I’m letting someone else into our own private bedroom or our own private love and life.”
Female fornication isn’t literally adultery but it has many of the same physical, psychological, and spiritual effects. Instead of valuing marriage and family as a feminine sphere of vital influence, women who indulge in illicit sex come to resent marriage and value promiscuity and divorce instead. Instead of valuing their glorious role as mothers, women learn to despise the notion of having children and value abortion instead. All this is colloquially referred to as “women’s liberation”, but more truthfully, it should be called a “defilement rebellion”.
So you see, female virginity is the lynchpin behind the female life path.
Strong Masculine Figures are Important
All truly successful relationships are primarily built on strong males who take ownership of their life, their wives, their future, and their problems. The foundation of the family is built on masculine strength — a strength which comes not from ego, but integrity, and an unwavering sense of self-worth. Strong men are what holds society together as the world continues to wreak havoc on its foundation.
The influence of a strong masculine male, whether he be a husband or a father, is huge in creating the ambient setting in which wives, sons, and daughters can thrive according to God’s plan. Strong men are often not aware of how much their strength carries the day to overcome the challenges of life, regardless of their own faults. Therefore, those men who possess a well developed masculinity may take this ability for granted, while those who have not yet attained it may fail to recognize its importance and neglect pursuing this aspect of their self-development.
A strong male should be distinguished from a Red Pill male, although it is easy to confuse them as equivalent. RP helps wake up strong males to the proper approach to relationships; they just have to flush out the false ideas they were fed and learn how to properly take the reins of their life. However, weak males, no matter how much RP instruction they receive, will continue to struggle because the foundation of inner strength (which is the essence of masculinity) is not there.
Of course, all males have different innate personalities and strengths from their maker but various negative childhood and parental experiences as well as some unresolved issues or sins leave many men weak, discouraged and fearful of life, relationships, and their future. So, it is these men that need to be taken under the wings of strong males (especially Christian) to restore what the Devil has robbed them of in their past; then the RP truth can finally be leveraged by them. This is what needs to be understood by the strong males out there; that the weak males languish in the shadows, not knowing how to express their condition and issues (i.e., weakness and fears). They need an older brother or a father figure(s) to confide in and who can help rebuild them. Then women will no longer be a fearful, intimidating, or controlling aspect of their lives. Men have to break free of their need of a woman before they can properly handle them. A man’s inner strength (especially from God) is the foundation of this freedom.
With the culture at war against masculinity in general, and white males in particular, men like these are becoming fewer and scarcer today. Few men possess the confidence and skills necessary to push through adversity, and rule their wives and the earth, mainly due to lack of instruction, support, and guidance. This is why forums and ministries like Σ Frame are needed to help the many weak, confused, Christian men out there to be discipled into positive masculinity.
Parenting, Community, and Education are Important
A man can create his own tight knit family if he has a like-minded, cooperative wife, but a tight knit religious community helps immensely. Studies have shown that couples who attend church regularly have a lower incidence of adultery and divorce.
Aside from her own cultivated fear of God, one important factor that keeps women from defecting is a strong connection to her family and religious community — and the continual discernment that she loses this if she does the “girls gone wild” thing. She must be aware of the shame that would result from her actions in the family and community, even if the outside world cheers her on.
The effects of community were painfully evident in one study, Is there any honor or benefit to slut shaming an adulterous wife? (2018 November 24). The conclusions of this study found that there are many benefits and risks that come with this approach, but the effectiveness and end results of this approach would depend on the character of the individual, the social context, and the nature of their peer group as well.
If the peer group / public rejoined the husband’s shaming of the wife by reinforcing the social ostracization, then this may do wonders in bouncing the wayward wife back onto the straight and narrow. We know how women always follow the herd.
On the other hand, if the peer group / public places blame on the husband and supports the wife’s promiscuity, then the husband is only bringing more shame and trouble upon himself.
As you can imagine, involvement in a based social group and/or religious community has to be intentionally sought out, and establishing this connection may involve personal sacrifices.
Moreover, the larger social community surrounding the home can often times make or break a daughter and/or a wife, and by extension, a marriage.
The effects of parenting, community, and education have been covered extensively in many previous posts, most notably these.
- Σ Frame: A Girl Becomes a Lady (2017 December 26)
- Σ Frame: 13 Disciplines in Dealing with Delectable Daughters (2018 January 29)
- Σ Frame: Revealing Her Unencumbered Beauty (2018 June 26)
- Σ Frame: Washing Her Clean (2019 October 21)
- Σ Frame: Teaching our daughters well is the early foundation of successful wife moulding (2020 February 14)
- Σ Frame: The need for Marriage Education (2020 May 15)
- Σ Frame: How other cultures deal with adultery (2020 August 5)
- Σ Frame: Parental Divorce Ruins Daughters’ Future Marital Commitment and Confidence (2021 February 24)
“Gestalt” is Important
“What -historically- makes for a good marriage is the same as it’s ever been. If I had to make a list:”
- Initial attraction
- Shared faith and values
- A lack of previous sexual partners to compare to is very helpful and God’s best.
- Regular sex as much as is possible (patient practice will make perfect)
- Treat each other with love as defined in Scripture (1st Corinthians 13, Philippians 4)
- The wife is to submit to and respect her husband.
- The husband is to love his wife, lead her in Christ, and get to know his wife so that he can dwell with her according to knowledge.
- Commitment to vows; nobody leaves.
“If there’s a formula, that’s it. We do these things, but it’s not OUR formula. It’s God’s outline.
It’s not necessarily easy all the time, but we’re Christians. Even when we don’t execute everything perfectly, we don’t have to do it alone. And there should really be a broad agreement that a commitment to Christ invites supernatural power to [help us] rise above our lower instincts.
But no one can make their spouse do these things. We can only control ourselves.”
There’s an important idea lurking behind Elspeth’s formula which many readers are probably not aware of, and that is the concept of “the whole package deal”. We have to accept that life is dynamic, that people are individuals, and that we all have unique desires, spiritual needs, and life-purposes. We have to accept this dynamic and find a way to juggle all the variables and cofactors such that we can make the marriage “work” according to God’s proscribed order. It is not an easy task.
This phenomenon exists everywhere you look. Here are several noteworthy examples.
- In philosophy, this concept is referred to as holism.
- In government, it is alluded to in the political axiom, “United we stand, divided we fall.”
- In social theory, it is called collective strength.
- In psychology, Gestalt therapy applies this principle to give individuals a healthy and holistic concept of one’s self.
- Mathematics describes this quality in the axiom, “The whole is greater than the sum of the parts”.
- In physics, this concept is addressed by what is called superposition.
- Engineering management takes this approach in Systems Thinking.
- Additionally, the most successful business enterprises commonly have divisions of labor which address specialized tasks, and these divisions are skillfully coordinated by the management to reach the desired productivity.
- The same idea is utilized in engineering design, where many light, flimsy struts can be connected to form a very sturdy and rigid body.
- In a previous post, God’s Concept of Justice (2021 April 2), I referred to this phenomena as The Mob in the Crucible Effect (c.f. “frogs in the pot”, or “crabs in the bucket”), which is based on the premise that we influence those around us, for better or for worse, and that it is the will of God for us to act as independent agents.
Moreover, we are all subject to the decisions and actions of others, especially those in positions of power (including power players in the SMP).
These Missives are not Unique to Christianity
Concerning the central missives of a Christian marriage, NovaSeeker and I have both pointed out that these missives are not unique to Christianity.
These missives also have something else in common: None of them is a specifically Christian screen.
Cameron pointed out that, because of the Natural Law (alluded to by St. Paul in Romans and formalized in some of the high churches e.g. Catholicism), there’s overlap between Christian marriage (the traditional kind) and natural/pagan marriage.
There doesn’t appear to be a substantial correlation between the degree of success/happiness seen in nominally Christian marriages, on the one hand, and the degree of Christian screening/Christian behavior prior to marriage, on the other. That’s just the stark reality which has been made clear through several testimonies that have been discussed in the comments over the last couple months.
We cannot disagree that there are benefits to screening people prior to marriage. The point is that the explicitly Christian screen doesn’t seem to make a difference, and it isn’t what made certain marriages successful.
In fact, there are any number of screens that one could use for a successful secular marriage. Commenters have brought up a number of examples of long term secular marriages of varying degrees of happiness that have few or no children, women with very high powered careers who aren’t “sweet” and are, in fact, women who would be described as “careerists” by almost everyone here. It is not hard to find marriages like this, with no divorces occurring.
We may be apt to say, “Well that doesn’t mean they are happy!”. That’s right, but it does mean that they are not divorced, unlike any number of “Christian”-screened marriages between people who “followed the Christian rules”.
There is a pervasive notion that Christianity, or faith in God, or what have you, is like a Swiss army knife that can handle every contingency. We want to think that if we can just “get it right”, or be more obedient, or more spiritually mature, or more masculine, or more aware of some other mysterious thing that we haven’t identified yet, then Christianity can make all of our sufferings vanish into thin air. There has to be a silver bullet, there has to be a better screen, something we are missing, something that is the real answer…”
There isn’t. There is only Christ. This is the inscrutable aspect of God’s justice. Sure, every reasonable person understands that probability exists, including free will, agency, and other wild cards, on top of the obvious cause-and-effect going on, but we cannot negotiate with God. We can never say, “I did A, B, and C… (or didn’t do X, Y, and Z), so I am fully within my rights to expect whatever I want from God”, even if it’s something we believe God wants us to have. This is reminiscent of a prosperity gospel.
It’s like NovaSeeker said,
“Again, and I will not apologize for repeating myself here, because it seems needed: that is the point of several past posts. The point is the dilemma that Christians specifically face. I don’t think that Jack or I would deny that there are various kinds of secular criteria one can apply (and perhaps that one should apply) which will lead to different degrees of marital success, depending on what kind of marriage you want to have, where “success” is defined at least as “not divorced” and right on up to “teenagers in love, happy in perpetuity”.”
“Your wife can be n=0, from a religious family without divorce, no obvious red flags and … at some stage she just flips the script and decides she finally agrees with the cultural messaging, after all.”
So when Red Pill Christian guys in happy marriages look at destroyed/blown up marriages and tell the broken husband he didn’t vet well enough, this makes Scott want to throttle their necks.
Churches are in total denial about this conundrum, as we have covered before. Pastors and elders won’t address the issue because they are afraid to condemn a common social norm that violates doctrine.
As long as churchianity remains the prevailing substitute for Christianity, this will not change. Churchianity, being a model based ultimately on humanism, and by extension utilitarianism and expediency, cannot, because of its very nature, confront or solve conundrums that pit the tenets of the faith against the ways of the world and the flesh. Because it fears [wo]man more than it fears God, the world and the flesh win any confrontation by default.
In conclusion, there is a misconception about what “Christian” truly means in regard to dating and marriage. To wit, we have the notion that a Christian marriage requires two chaste, professing Christians being properly married in a certain kind of church, complete with public vows and golden rings and the rubber stamps of the church and state. You may choose between lilies or roses, and rice or confetti…
But all these things are rather superficial. In reality, the collection of factors I listed above (Cameron’s 3 points with my extensions) is what truly constitutes a “Christian” marriage (or what should be touted as a Christian marriage).
Here, the adjective “Christian” in front of “marriage” carries the meaning that it glorifies God, fulfills His purposes for marriage, and establishes a sanctified home environment that is conducive to the emotional security and spiritual vitality of the family.
This is what determines whether the marriage is successful, and not the mere absence of divorce.
This is more in line with what Christianity is about, and not white dresses and pipe organs.
All this can be summarized in the following Axiom.
Σ Frame Axiom 30 (Jack): Headship is God’s prescription for marriage.
Corollary A to Axiom 30 (Jack): A Headship marriage is a Christian Marriage by definition, even when the spouses are not nominally Christian.
Corollary B to Axiom 30 (Jack): Any marriage that does not fit either the Headship or Tingly Respect structures is doomed to dysfunction and/or failure.
Corollary C to Axiom 30 (Jack): When Headship is not taught and modeled, the transition into married life becomes much more of a shock and a hardship than it has to be.
Corollary D to Axiom 30 (DeepStrength, Jack): The implementation of Headship is confusing and difficult because of the Church’s incongruence between the converged doctrinal position of Headship and Headship in action (i.e. practiced as a form of moral authority and masculine sexual authority).
- Σ Frame: How is illicit sex related to one’s spiritual state? (2019 May 22)
- Σ Frame: How much is Virginity worth? (2019 September 6)
- Σ Frame: Why is premarital sex a sin? (2020 August 14)
- Σ Frame: Coram Mundo vs. Coram Deo (2020 September 7)
- Christianity and Masculinity: What makes a Christian marriage successful? (2021 March 2)