What has she NOT been saying?
Author’s Note: The content of this post is based on email conversations between NovaSeeker and Jack.
Reader’s Note: This post continues discussing The Rise of the Amateur Sex Industry (2021 January 4). Readers may like to read this post first before continuing.
Length: 4,200 words
Reading Time: 17 minutes
In my previous post, The Slow Train Wreck — A Cautionary Tale (2021 January 18), I discussed a frightening case study. The story started off with a typical suburban wife with two kids, active in serving in her church, and apparently very happy. Then she discovered the online world of Instagram and OnlyFans, and something propelled her into the dark world of the online amateur sex industry.
This post will convey some speculations about how or why this could have happened, including some possible influences. We’ll also discuss some other outcomes that may or may not have been possible.
A Few Thoughts to Consider
- The lifespan of a typical marriage in the U.S. is reported to be 7 years. If a couple can make it past 7 years, they are likely to stay in it for the long haul. H+W’s marriage broke down right at the 7-year mark.
- Is it possible that only the popularity and attention could be responsible for pulling her away from family and children to make this transition?
- Jack and I both suspected that, sometime during her rise to stardom, W must have had some kind of sexual experience that corrupted her mind. This experience could have been something like having a lesbian affair, a tryst with a handsome photographer (or pastor?), or sleeping her way to stardom (having sexual liaisons in exchange for certain opportunities for promotion). But of course, she would never talk about such an experience. Is there any evidence for this being the case?
- Feminism has had a weighty influence on western society and women in particular. Does this show up as a factor that tipped W over the ledge?
- Red Pilled men know that women are easily guided by the herd mentality. Did the W have any influence from other women that would lead her this way?
- Was W anything of a gold-digger? Did she have the innate desire for money, wealth, and luxury?
- It is assumed that there has to be a bit of reciprocal cooperation for a train wreck to happen, or at least consent from the spouse, even if that simply means looking the other way and taking no action. This is exactly what H did.
In the remainder of this post, we’ll discuss each of these ideas.
1. The Seven Year Itch
Early on in my research on this story, I noticed the marriage started to break apart right at 7 years (2016, when W made her “self-discovery” regarding her sexual orientation), and that this fits the wider profile of marriage “data”.
The seven-year mark was when things started to unravel, and then the following year (H=36, W=33 , M+8, 2017), things really started to take off.
I think another “time” element is the age of the children. When the eldest reaches the age of going to school (including pre-school), the “post-nesting” mindset can creep in, meaning that she seeks to evaluate other options for re-mating, or at least getting out of this nest. (In the past, this behavior was taken as a male trait, but these days, females are adopting many male traits, particularly because they can currently do this without suffering any adverse financial consequences.) If there are other, younger, kids around who are not old enough for preschool yet, then this can be tamped a bit, and I think this played a role here, at least in part, in terms of delaying the process of unraveling by a year or two.
Kid #3 was born in 2016, and when W finally pushed things over the cliff in 2019, she didn’t have any children who were younger or on the way who would encourage her to tamper down her instinct to leave the nest. In 2020, she knew that all the kids would be of pre-school age, with the oldest being 10, so she was ready to re-nest.
Finally, Rollo Tomassi’s well-known theory is that women often progress on a life trajectory that is roughly as follows: (1) the “party years” from 18-29.999999999999 when hypergamy rules all dating choices, (2) the “epiphany phase” of lane-changing, seeking different men for pairing than in the party years, and marriage, and (3) the “re-seeking alpha” phase in the mid to later 30s, when the woman leaves her husband/partner to seek more sexually hypergamous mates while she is still young/attractive enough to do so effectively. In this scheme, it is worth noting that W is 35 by the time she leaves, which puts her comfortably in the “re-seeking alpha” behavioral age range.
In summary, all of the timings lined up like a constructive interference:
- The 7-8-year itch, when things really started to change inside W in ways that made the marriage shakier.
- The desire to seek alternative mates (re-nest), based on youngest child’s age.
- Rollo’s “re-seeking alpha” phase in the mid to late 30s.
2. Addiction to Attention and Affirmation
It is also possible that W is such an attention addict that the attention she was getting from her Instagram followers in and of itself encouraged her to blow up the marriage in spectacular fashion.
I think in the case of W, however, it appears that it was more that she reconceived her self-image, bought into a new set of ideas, and so on, and this was happening around the same time that she was also, on a parallel track, discovering that she liked having an audience — a LOT — due to her public speaking and preaching that was taking place during that period. I think then the two tracks got merged in her head, and once she ditched the church due to adopting her “LGBT” identity and the related ideology, the track that related to craving the audience and attention got rolled into the new ideology, and her new life plan emerged. Instagram of course plays a role here, too, because she starts at some point to get a lot more comments on her appearance, and this also feeds the “audience”/attention track that was developing within her.
So you have all of these mingling and interacting inside W:
- The “LGBT” stuff and her growing adherence to feminism and its sex positive variant.
- Her growing awareness of the depth of her craving for attention and an audience and doing what it takes to attract and maintain that.
- Instagram, and later OnlyFans, providing just that by means of her appearance and sexiness.
Put all of those together and the “new W” emerges out of the other end of the chrysalis at some stage.
3. Sexual Defilement
Jack and I both had the same thought — Didn’t there have to be some kind of actual sexual event here that put her firmly in the direction she was on?
If this did happen, she has covered it up more or less completely, which is normally what you would expect a woman to do, because that’s what women do in this culture about their infidelities. It would mess up her story royally if she had an affair with a photographer or something. Again, nothing even hints of this in her feed, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. It’s true that W has been very outlierish for someone in her chosen line of work in terms of not separating her private and “professional” lives (as almost everyone in that industry does for numerous reasons), despite her kids (I mean heck they are on the same feed as her softcore porn Instagram), but that still doesn’t mean that there isn’t something she is hiding.
It does make logical sense that there was some sexual event like an affair or something that set this off, sometime in 2016 or 2017, but if there was, we will likely never know. Rollo explicitly asked this question to her H a few times in his interview, but her husband doesn’t seem to think so. Then again, there were a lot of things he was missing at the time and not seeing so he may not have noticed and even today not have any basis to know. Women can be very good at hiding this specific thing if they’re determined to do so.
There is, however, one tell in that area. She does talk about how she is sexually free, and how she had a hard time realizing her own pleasure and so on. At some point in the 2016-2018 period it appears she became more adept at having an orgasm (giving herself orgasms, it would appear), and it seems unlikely that the H was the origin of this discovery. It seems much more likely, based on what she does say (which is not much, it’s bits and hints here and there), that she either learned this with another lover during this period or, perhaps, by looking at feminist sex-poz orgasm education material. Either is possible, but given how she looks, and what she was doing at the time, my money would be on the lover option. It could have been another girl, could have been a guy. I don’t read her as particularly lesbian at all (and she fairly recently claimed that she has never had sex with woman), but my guess is that at some point in her transition, someone really rang her bell, hard, and taught her how to do so, and seeing how this apparently had never happened with H, then this became another problem for H. H of course doesn’t mention this, but that’s the kind of thing you don’t expect a man to mention because it points the finger at his sexual prowess and, in any case, it is possible, even likely, that W never mentioned this to H specifically as well.
Of course, care needs to be taken here, because this is purely speculative based on snippets of what W says here and there. She never says any of that explicitly, but if you read the tea leaves it’s at least even money that it’s there. It would just make sense of everything.
4. Feminist Inculcation
Deti famously said that “ALL women born after about 1960 are marinated in feminism and are feminists”. We can see this clearly in W. She has been a feminist and a progressive since she was young. She may not have been militant about it, but she was a feminist. She also was rebellious from a younger age. She tussled with her parents as a teen about body piercings and such, and was sexually active in high school behind her parents’ backs. Her prominent nose ring isn’t recent, she had it before she met H. She also probably has a higher N than H suggested (although reviewing the interview with Rollo he never really said what her N actually was but that he knew it wasn’t 0 when they married).
In sum, she wasn’t pure at the time of marriage, and she was also a feminist from the beginning, just not “LGBT”-identifying. The picture that is emerging is that she was a more typical soft left feminist college grad who was still a Christian (at least nominally) when she married and thereafter, but in no way was she a conservative Christian when she was married or thereafter. She may have been in an evangelical megachurch, and may have agreed on the teachings about “LGBT” at the time, but otherwise she was a soft left feminist the whole way who later became a more hard left feminist with the “LGBT” stuff coming into the picture.
5. Herd Influences
W had a sea change in perspective during early 2017, and I am fairly certain the ideas came from somewhere outside her own head.
Jack and I both read comments somewhere that said, “[W] changed when she started hanging out with Glennon Doyle and Amanda Frances.” I didn’t really see much in W’s feed or other articles about her situation that links into much about either of them, apart from a couple of mentions in her feed about reading Glennon Doyle’s books. Still they could very well have influenced her. I am sure that she interfaced with quite a bit of online feminism and empowerment personas, and I think this is a key to when her mind began to be influenced in that direction.
Glennon Doyle’s story, as rough as it may be, is pretty different from W. Doyle is very much on the lesbian side of “bi”, and W, as we’ve seen, is not — W’s “bi” is much more theoretical than actual and lived. Glennon went from a straight monogamy situation to a lesbian monogamy situation, and W became a basically straight sex worker. There were influences from “LGBT” ideology in terms of sex positivity and female physical/sexual empowerment, but it seems like they were broader and much less of the “lesbian marriage” type. Also Doyle seems to really dislike men (unless they are like her puppy dog/doormat ex-husband), sexually and otherwise, like most radfems do, and something that also seems to happen with “bi” women who opt for the lesbian side (misandry is as common as dirt in the lesbian world). However, W is clearly not like this. She likes men and male sexual attention, but wants them on her own terms.
Amanda Frances seems more likely as an individual source of influence on W because she spouts the same self-empowerment “if you believe it strongly enough, it will happen” claptrap, almost verbatim, as W does. But from what I have seen, W doesn’t mention her by name. After getting an impression of W through Instagram, I honestly doubt that she came up with the empowerment claptrap all by herself. I think it’s likely that she was either influenced by Frances or by whomever/whatever influenced Frances herself.
But still, she was clearly influenced by people *like* these, even if it was not these two women specifically.
As I was reviewing W’s Instagram feed, it became clear to me that while all these other things were happening, she was developing a deep desire to be rich. Not economic security, but rich, as in luxury. She had numerous posts about how much she loves money, how she wants to have a lot of money, how it’s garbage to believe that chasing a lot of money is bad, and so on. She is in large part driven by money as an end in itself, not just attention. After she leaves H, this comes into full fruition in terms of her actions and life decisions.
W started her OnlyFans site in October 2019, right after the separation happened and she moved out of the house she shared with H.
At the end of December 2020, the W posted her earnings numbers on OnlyFans for 2020. For the first 9 months of her OF (through June 2020), she was earning between $250 and $400 per month total from the site. Then over the summer of 2020, that increased to around $500 per month, and then in September, which is when her story appeared in the New York Post article, her OF literally blew up over night. In the four months since (Sep, Oct, Nov, Dec of 2020, respectively), W earned 31k, 54k, 20k, and 33k. Her post says that the total lifetime earnings on OnlyFans is 178k gross, but as we can see the last four months’ account for 138k of that, and the rest trickled over 11 months. It was basically pocket change until September 2020.
A few takeaways from that information:
- She must have gotten to know someone who introduced her to the New York Post reporter for that story. It is simply very unlikely that a small-time OnlyFans content provider in Southern California, earning $300-$400 per month, would have attracted the attention of anyone at the New York Post unless she happened to meet one of them by chance, or she met someone else who knew someone at the New York Post and could make an introduction. This event was the critical one for W, because it was after that story in the New York Post, that W’s narrative went viral, was covered by many media outlets nationally and internationally, and drew all kinds of attention to her OnlyFans page.
- W admitted to the New York Post that she had planned to engage in escort-style prostitution back before COVID hit in March (she told the reporter that she had a “date” planned, and that she was okay with the concept of being paid for providing that service, but that she canceled it due to the COVID outbreak), and that would make sense in that she hadn’t earned much at OF at all by then. At that time, she had only earned about $1,600 over 5 months. I would guess that the prospect of earning that much or more in 1-2 “dates” was pretty attractive to her at that time.
- I would further speculate that she went through with that plan (she had, after all, already mentally accepted it as feasible for her), once COVID calmed down, and possibly was engaging in this activity during the summer of 2020 over the summer as well. It seems likely to me that it is at this time that she would have met whomever provided her contact to the New York Post — either someone who worked there or someone who knew someone who did — which led to the story that blew up her business plan. I would speculate that this either happened through recreational “dating” or through escorting, but if I had to guess … given the financial elements involved (she mentioned in the New York Post story that the first foray into that “business line” that she had planned prior to COVID would have involved her being paid a few thousand dollars, so not exactly a cheap trick), it was through the latter.
- In any case, at this point W’s annualized income from OnlyFans, even assuming zero growth, is $400k. If she can keep her OF at this level — heck, if she can manage to keep it at half that level on an annualized basis — she won’t need to go into extended “business lines”, so my guess is that W will focus on growing and maintaining her OF cash flow, while trying to find other ways to monetize on an even bigger scale — her Instagram hints at plans to try to do talk radio, or reality TV, or something like that.
In summary, W appears to have been very highly motivated by money as an end in itself and, unlike most women who make the choices she has in the pursuit of riches, she appears to have actually cashed in some well-sized chips so far — so she has been effective at leveraging her appearance, her charm (for all of her craziness, she is capable of being quite charming and affable in her manner, as one would expect of a former bartender, and I expect that she has used this to great effect with her OnlyFans subscriber base to retain them from month to month), and leveraging selective personal relationships to great effect. She’s focused, and it shows. H admitted to Rollo that, by contrast, they struggled at times financially during the marriage — something which makes me think that W feels quite secure that she did the right thing by leaving H, as evidenced by her bank account.
7. What could her husband have done in response?
H made a lot of mistakes in the marriage, both personality/permissiveness-wise and he seems to have been clumsy sexually as well, while being married to a woman with a very high libido who is prone to throes of extreme passion (that comes out in her writings).
Her husband made a lot of mistakes of permission along the way, and he openly admits these, but at the same time it’s very easy to see how this relationship could have gone sideways on any man, given how sweeping and fundamental her transition was, in the end.
On the behavior of the H, yes he certainly cooperated with her without question. He knows he messed up now by facilitating what she was doing and encouraging it, both actively (he was her Instagram cameraman I think at least for a while, as is normal for BF/H types, at least “at first” before the pros get involved) and passively by not hemming her in when lines were crossed again and again.
I do think that it wasn’t easy to see that at the time, given their established dynamic. I think that changing a long established relationship dynamic that has been in place since the couple met is virtually impossible — it means essentially starting the relationship from scratch again, and at that point people can (and often do) opt for the exits rather than do the hard work of building a new dynamic.
Now, had he done that anyway, things may have been better by ending things before they got as far as they did. Perhaps she would have ended up differently if she was divorced earlier, who knows? But I don’t think that the marriage would have survived that at any time following, say, 2016 when she decided she was LGBT. He needed to push back there, hard — and he sees that now — and he didn’t. If he did and she bucked and he insisted on upending the dynamic, they may have ended up divorced then and there, but perhaps she wouldn’t have gone down the same road she did otherwise.
I don’t think they were equally responsible. She bears a bigger responsibility because she behaved selfishly and narcissistically and seems clearly to have demanded to go the way she had determined, marriage or not. H should have stopped things before they got to that place, but even if he did the marriage would probably have died earlier (again, as I said earlier, perhaps that would have been better, but we don’t know that).
She also is reprehensible for having her kids on her sex worker IG feed — even today! She clearly has very poor personal judgment to say the least and is very self-centered and narcissistic. She seems very immature as well for someone of her age — very prone to claptrap and sloganeering and not actual hard stuff, but at the same time she is focused and disciplined in terms of what she wants. It’s just that what she wants is quite selfish.
We can look back on everything that happened and see that her husband could have done something to upend the W’s transformation process, but it probably would have simply blown up the marriage earlier. And, that could have been better in terms of leading to overall different life outcomes for W, which would have been better for the kids, but that’s hard to say. In all, it was a marriage that likely would have been hard to fix, although by far the best shot H had was after she went faux-LGBT, and he failed to do it. Once he did, it was likely impossible to save the marriage, and the further things went on, the worse she got.
In all a tawdry affair all around, sadly. I feel slimed by having delved into it so far, but at the same time the dive has clarified many things and makes the whole situation a lot less mystifying and more intelligible. The “fall from grace” wasn’t really a thing. She was always a bit of a rebel, a feminist, and very sexual. This kind of thing was always a somewhat higher potential in her than in other women, I think. but not to the degree that she was an outlier — there are plenty of other women with W’s profile out there who are not outliers and have the same profile of soft feminist, highly sexual, and a bit rebellious when younger. Of course until recently, things like OF simply didn’t exist so what she is doing would not have been possible, but it does, so it is.
It’s a true train wreck — horrible but fascinating at the same time and hard to look away from. I also think that the story is important for men, because of what happened. Not because of what W did specifically — although in that regard it does call into mind a new set of risks that simply didn’t exist for men even 10 years ago! But it’s important to see the kind of dynamic of events of how things can unravel slowly and the kinds of things you need to look for and act upon when they are happening. It’s an important story for men to read and reflect upon I think.
Anyway, I’m officially done with researching this topic and slogging through the slime of the OASIS. But I felt it needed to be done in faith so that others wouldn’t have to do so themselves or, even worse, live through what H just did. There’s something about reviewing the train wrecks that serves to clarify our vision and to be more circumspect, thankful, and hopeful.