Making the Most of It

How can a young person find an upward trajectory after a poor start?

Readership: All
Note: Permission from the client to discuss this case was obtained and is located in my files as needed. Some details have been changed for privacy.
Reader’s Note: More commentaries on the video can be found here.
Length: 700 words
Reading Time: 2.5 minutes

In this video, I want to discuss a current case of mine that is of interest, because this person is an outlier in some respects, but not in others. She doesn’t have a great family history. She made some bad decisions, like having a baby out of wedlock. But she knows what she wants, and I think she has the makings to get there.

My client is a 25-year-old black female. She has a daughter who is just under a year old. She’s not married. The father of her baby is her monogamous boyfriend of the past 6 years.

The father just got out of the military. He hasn’t found a job. He is not particularly interested in taking on the role of being a father. They do not live together, because of their housing arrangement.

She’s very old fashioned in her stated values. She just wants a traditional marriage, and to be a working mom.

She is not particularly Christian. She comes from a broken home. There’s some mild substance abuse in her history, nothing major. But she’s had a bad start because no one ever took the time to tell her how the world works.

She’s young, feminine, sweet, kind, attractive, and the best thing she has going for her is that she is accountable for herself. She’s willing to take responsibility for her background and all the things she’s done in the past.

She has the insight, the tools, and the abilities that are necessary to do well in life. I believe she could do very well, but only if she makes the right decisions in the near future and can get a few things to work out for her.

She contacted me because she’s confused about what to do next. Should she take a good job offer in another state, leave her baby daddy, and look for someone else who is more interested in being a traditional husband and father? Or is it better for her to stick with her man?

*       *       *       *       *       *       *

Under the original video at YouTube, Elspeth commented…

“I think your first line of attack, if you will, to go back to the beginning and analyze her decision making process, is an excellent start.

Culturally, she’s going to have to make some hard decisions about mate selection going forward if she desires the kind of traditional marriage dynamic she expressed. First, she needs to talk to her daughter’s father and make clear to him that she cannot waste any more years on the status quo. Ideally he’ll wake up. It sounds unlikely and even miraculous, but I think she should give him time (90 days?) to show some real, tangible evidence that he is serious about his life. Not jailhouse religion stuff, either. I’m really not sure she should even give him that, but I’m thinking about the child. The second decision is an even harder one for most black women to shift into.

By that I mean, dating for character, faith, goal orientation, and worldview first, then ethnic/racial background second. I know that it is possible that she could meet a great marriageable black man who can be most of what she desires. I married one of those. However, the reality is that culturally, most black men aren’t raised to be primary breadwinners to a wife who is primarily home focused. Even some of the best black husbands I know, who are excellent men, simply do not operate on that paradigm. I know a few, but they are 5% of marriageable black men, who are already in short supply.

If she can’t disentangle herself from her beau while being involved with her would-be mother-in-law, she needs to think long and hard about whether to take that job, and if she does take it, she needs to take it with a concrete set of goals.”

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This entry was posted in Choosing a Partner or Spouse, Choosing A Profession, Courtship and Marriage, Decision Making, Determination, Discernment, Wisdom, Discipline, Holding Frame, Maturity, Personal Growth and Development, Models of Failure, Models of Success, Perseverance, Psychology, Purpose, Relationships, Strategy. Bookmark the permalink.

42 Responses to Making the Most of It

  1. bee123456 says:

    OT

    “The gender gap in adolescent mental health…566,829 adolescents across 73 countries…Girls have worse average mental health than boys across 4 measures of mental health…More gender equal countries have larger gender gaps in mental health”

    https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2352827321000173?via%3Dihub

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Oscar says:

    Totally off topic:

    Four-time World’s Strongest Man, Brian Shaw, gets a body composition scan.

    What surprised me: 17% body fat. Like most Strong Men, Brian Shaw doesn’t look that lean.

    What didn’t surprise me, but is pretty awesome: 413 lb total body mass, with 328 lb of lean body mass. Dude weighs over twice what I do. Heck, his lean body mass alone is equal to my entire body weight, plus a whole other adult human. Also, his bone density is “off the chart”, according to the doctors.

    Other than the fun and novelty, what can we learn? After all, none of us are pro athletes.

    First, strength training won’t necessarily make a person look like a body builder. Like I said, most Strong Men don’t look lean, but objectively speaking, 17% body fat is pretty lean.

    Second, there is no better way to increase bone density than strength training. We all lose bone density as we age. That can lead to osteoporosis late in life, which can seriously diminish quality of life, and damage ones health. That’s true for both men, and women. The best way to prevent osteoporosis is to gain as much bone density as possible while one is young enough to do so (“young enough” includes middle age, by the way), then maintain it for as long as possible as one ages.

    And the best way to do that is strength training. And that’s true for both men, and women.

    Liked by 2 people

    • cameron232 says:

      Yeah, I saw this a week or so ago – Shaw shows up on my youtube feed – seems like a really nice guy and probably the strongest man who ever walked the planet. I assume he has lots of muscle mass around his stomach area which makes him look big and not real lean?

      Here’s my understanding of how strength works. A great deal of it is neurological. You can achieve say 80-90% (I’m making the numbers up) of your strength potential without big gains in muscle mass. This is why you see guys that weigh 70 kg that have benched 500lb and squatted 800 lb (not because they’re genetic freaks). From there, to reach your maximum strength potential, you have to add mass which is why there’s not skinny, weight class strongmen.

      In my early 40’s I got up to a 500 lb deadlift (PR was 475 x 5) and close to 400 lb squat without getting much bigger. But it was fun to outlift the local bodybuilders (YMCA so not serious bodybuilders) as a fairly skinny middle aged dude.
      I could never bench worth a crap – 215 x 5 was my best set. I suck at upper body pressing lifts.

      Like

      • SFC Ton says:

        LOL couldn’t bench well either which is why I never totaled elite even with an elite level squat and a pretty serious dead lift for the time.

        Your midsection is a muscle and it has to grow, expand ans get stronger to match the load you are putting on your spine

        Liked by 2 people

      • Oscar says:

        I assume he has lots of muscle mass around his stomach area which makes him look big and not real lean?

        That’s how it looks on the scan. Shaw’s belly is all muscle with a thin layer of fat underneath the skin. If you think about it, that makes sense.

        Your spine is designed like a chain. That’s great for bending and twisting, but not so great for lifting, or carrying heavy loads. For that, you need your spine to behave like a beam. It needs to be rigid to transfer force from your hips to your shoulders.

        The muscles around your midsection (or “core”) squeeze together to hold your spine rigid, like a beam. As you lift and carry heavier loads, those muscles have to get bigger to handle those loads, which means your waist circumference may actually increase, if you started out skinny.

        This article shows Brian Shaw back when he played basketball for Black Hills State in South Dakota.

        https://rapidcityjournal.com/news/local/communities/sturgis/shaw-to-receive-young-alumni-achievement-award/article_1a889922-7f75-5902-bb2c-633e577f0d7d.html

        Not exactly skinny, but a whole lot smaller than he is today.

        In my early 40’s I got up to a 500 lb deadlift (PR was 475 x 5) and close to 400 lb

        That’s pretty impressive. Good job, man!

        Liked by 1 person

      • Lexet Blog says:

        I learned the hard way that leg presses alone won’t help you with squats. You need a solid core, and you need to work on your back. Over do one section of your body and you can seriously jack it up. Leg day isn’t important for the looks.

        Liked by 1 person

    • Lexet Blog says:

      I know two guys who were shredded enough to compete in body building competitions. One does so. Neither can do cardio. Neither can do high intensity workouts at all. They go through cycles of weight gain because they have to starve themselves for the perfect physique.

      17% is athletic but still on the low side of healthy normal.

      I’m guessing the guy above eats a steady diet of decent food that he enjoys, and all he does is maintain at this point.

      His belly could be two things: from roids or from having an insanely strong core – the beer gut could be muscle with a thin layer of fat over it. Not everyone gets a six pack look.

      Like

      • cameron232 says:

        Brian Shaw eats an insane diet – probably a dozen eggs and a plate of fried potatoes for breakfast, something comparable for lunch, dinner. The guy is literally a mountain of muscle and does incredible workout volume (and intensity) daily. I don’t know if Arnold Strongman and World’s Strongest Man test for steroids or not.

        A lot of strongmen have Shaw’s look.

        Most online sources list 6-13% as athlete level, 13-17% as fitness level and 17 to 25% as average or “acceptable.” 25%+ is considered fat obese.

        Like

      • Lexet Blog says:

        I am pretty sure you start to die at 11%. Your body needs fat for basic neurological functions and temperature regulation

        Liked by 1 person

      • cameron232 says:

        Hunter gatherers, who are very metabolically healthy, tend to be 10-15% bodyfat (men). Many athletes (olympic gymnasts, NFL cornerbacks) are high single digit. 5% bodyfat is considered essential. Bodybuilders go below this for competitions but it isn’t good for you or sustainable.

        Like

      • SFC Ton says:

        his belly is from both of those things

        Like

  3. SFC Ton says:

    Most heavy weight strength athletes are in the 16-24% range. . Not that we tracked it or anything but for generations now dudes have known they had to be fat enough to stay physically and mentally healthy but not so fat you couldn’t train hard enough and often enough to be comepteive

    Also, Brian was good people to be around. Can’t imagine success has changed that.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Sharkly says:

    Your bone density adjusts to your muscle mass and the tension/compression on your bones. Your bones continually remodel themselves typically replacing all of your bone over about a seven to ten year period. Your bones react to how you currently are. Not to how you used to be, or how you want to be, or your New Years resolutions. If you’ve been out of shape for a decade, your bones won’t hardly reflect your prior condition. So, strength training should be a lifelong activity. Don’t wait until you have signs of osteopenia to become concerned about your physical state.

    FWIW Due to body composition, some people don’t float, while others can float reading a book with a drink balanced on their belly. I couldn’t learn to float, until I could. It wasn’t a matter of education, but a matter of gradually decreasing my bone density and increasing my bodyfat. My floating ability is still marginal at best, but at least now I can usually keep my mouth above water to catch a fresh breath of air. My dad used to float like every pool he visited was the Dead Sea. I was the only sinker in the family. They treated me like I was retarded for not being able to “learn” to float.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oscar says:

      So, strength training should be a lifelong activity. Don’t wait until you have signs of osteopenia to become concerned about your physical state.

      Exactly. That’s the message I was trying to convey. Maybe it didn’t come across that way.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Oscar says:

    Ultimately, few of us should emulate world champions like Brian Shaw. First, they’re genetic freaks. Shaw won his very first Strong Man competition (2005 Denver’s Strongest Man) with zero training.

    Second, world champion athletes don’t train for their health. They train to win. They do all kinds of unhealthy stuff to win. That shouldn’t be us.

    Still, we can learn a thing or two from elite athletes. For example, as SFC Ton pointed out, a body composition of 16% – 24% body fat is perfectly healthy on a person who trains for strength. Also, the muscles in your midsection will grow along with the rest of your muscles. And that’s okay. Muscle mass and bone density are more important to our long term health than razzzzor abzzzzz.

    As Sharkly pointed out, strength training ideally should be a life-long pursuit. Most of us here are middle-aged, as far as I can tell. The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is today.

    Likewise, if anyone here didn’t start strength training as a teenager, that’s less than ideal, but don’t sweat the ideal. Start today. You’ll be glad you did.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Lexet Blog says:

    Sigh. The questioner has an idealized vision of their friend that doesn’t align with the type of person described later on.

    Like

  7. cameron232 says:

    Also off topic but I’ll assume there’s some shooters here. True Shot Gun Club has .223 Remington, 1000 rounds for $350 (Red Army Standard, cheap Russian steel cased). .35/round is insanely cheap, literally half the price of the cheapest I’ve seen lately. I can’t get the website to function from work here. Deal was posted 24 minutes ago.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oscar says:

      Why must you tempt me so?!

      Liked by 1 person

      • cameron232 says:

        I found through an ammo search engine – suspect it was a mistake.

        I did get a great deal on Hornady match grade hollowpoints from Optics Planet last week – the good deals go really quick.

        Some Russian steel cased .22LR is showing up in some stores for really cheap. It seems to function pretty well.

        Like

  8. Scott says:

    Lexet-

    Interesting comments about low body fat and cardio.

    I have been chasing that look for pretty much my whole life. V-taper, 28 inch waist, shredded abs. Never happens. No matter how much I tweak my calories/macros/cardio.

    The best I ever get is a basically flat stomach, that when I bear down you can sort of see a faint outline of 6 pack. I’m not going to walk around all day crunching my stomach with my shirt off so people can see that.

    When I was in the army, I was blown away by the fact that these 20 year old guys who looked like magazine fitness models could not finish the 2 mile run portion of the test. Literally would start walking after a mile of huffing and puffing. Hint: for distance runners 2 miles is NOT long. Its a warm up distance for me. I run about 40 miles a week right now.

    So, I guess I will always be doomed to the limits of my genetic make up. I just work with what I have. At my last army PT test, I was 47 and I still maxed the run–even for the 18-year-old bracket. I maxed other two events as well.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Scott says:

      For those interested, I finally made a two part description of what I do:

      Like

    • Sharkly says:

      Scott says,

      “Interesting comments about low body fat and cardio.
      I have been chasing that look for pretty much my whole life. V-taper, 28 inch waist, shredded abs. Never happens. No matter how much I tweak my calories/macros/cardio.
      The best I ever get is a basically flat stomach, that when I bear down you can sort of see a faint outline of 6 pack.”

      I feel like I get better results in that regard with less effort, than many. And for those with very limited time to try to improve their looks They will need to focus on strength training and keep their “cardio” to under 20 minutes a day. Working out three hours a day can directly elevate cortisol resulting in diminished returns. Otherwise cardio/cortisol will spoil all the results of your hard work. Read this great synopsis of how it happens:
      http://thenewprime.com/blog/is-cardio-making-you-skinny-fat/
      Here’s an even less scholarly article meant for laymen:
      https://www.t-nation.com/training/the-best-damn-cortisol-article-ever
      It really is a pretty good summation article, please read it.

      If you are someone who wastes three hours a day of your life exercising and eating a strict diet, like a bodybuilder’s contest prep diet, while still never getting the results you want, then a different approach is needed. Unless you are a professional athlete, that is a very unbalanced life. A person would probably benefit more from doing other things instead of another hour of exercise time.

      Regarding one’s core muscles, Scott says at 15:48 in the second video:

      “Because all those muscles in your abs, and your back, and your obliques, and all that, tend to be pretty high on fast twitch, contain a lot of fast twitch muscle.”

      I believe it is the opposite — your core is predominately slow twitch muscle. Amino acids are the building blocks of proteins. For some people, sprouting all your food, eating brown rice discs, and working out for three hours a day just doesn’t get them to where they want to be. They have to take a different approach. Many folks work out less and retain more muscle, many folks diet less stringently and have more visible abs. For some people like Scott, this kind of workout chronically elevates their cortisol which produces catabolism and slows his metabolism.

      Many of the body’s hormones interact with mood, attitude, physiology, etc. Specifically, DHT has a supreme effect on things like mood, aggression, and your workout results. Scott says that creatine helps him, and this is probably because creatine increases the conversion of testosterone via the 5-alpha-reductase enzyme into DHT, which helps to counteract many of the effects of the excess cortisol he generates through his excessive workouts.

      More anaerobic strength trained muscle will burn more fatty acids while you sleep, and more fast twitch musculature will allow you to eat more carbs without weight gain.

      Except for the endurance aspects of Scott’s fitness, I can maintain a similar amount of lean muscle and strength with far less exercise time and then eat far more pizza and grits without gaining weight. It isn’t magic, or just lucky genetics, research actually backs my method. I believe many people would get better results with just one hour of strength training a day, and save himself two hours, if he spend some time to research what the “science” says, and bodybuilders have long known.

      Furthermore, as other commenters have alluded to, maintaining a very low body fat and six pack abs, is not the natural or most healthy state for an older person anyhow. So to go to such crazy lengths to get there over decades and to still not achieve it, is just sad, especially when there is so much information published in many places.

      Workout smarter not harder.

      TLDR: Folks, use your limited daily exercise time wisely, do traditional strength training to get efficient results. Don’t do over half an hour of cardio if it is counter productive to gaining muscle while losing fat.
      [Jack: This comment has been edited for disrespectful sarcasm.]

      Like

      • cameron232 says:

        Geez dude – kinda harsh there.

        No need really for guys that are near 50 years old to be shredded. Less than 20% bodyfat is reasonably healthy, 15% is awesome. Heck, less than 25% (threshold for fat obese) ain’t too bad.

        From seeing other people’s succeses, I think high protein diet helps a lot with leaning out.

        DHT- from memory I thought DHT is converted to Testosterone not the opposite. DHT – good for enlarged prostate, prostate cancer, baldness and body hair. I always assumed I had a lot since I have Austin Powers level chest hair – yeah Baby!!!

        Like

      • Sharkly says:

        “Kinda harsh there.”

        Making lots of efforts in self improvement, and then not seeing any results, can be very disappointing. This is why faulty advice can discourage people from trying to improve themselves. People have the notion that they need to spend 18 hours of intense exercise a week and eat tiny portions of expensive and bland food in order to see their abs or gain and hold much muscle. But this is not true. If this was true, even I would decide it wasn’t worth the effort.

        It needs to be emphasized that if you have a balanced exercise routine, combining some aerobic, and some anaerobic exercises, then you’ll likely get much better results than running 40 miles every week. Too much aerobic exercise is counter productive to retaining muscle and losing fat.

        There are a lot of people giving fitness transformation advice on YouTube, and most of them got good results with far less effort than Scott puts in. I’d say that just watching any random fitness video would likely give you good advice that is encouraging. Some people want to think that they cannot reach their fitness goals because of their body type, claiming that the results others get from working out elude them because their physiology is apparently not like the other humans from whom all the research data was gathered. When in fact his body is performing exactly like the research says it will when he chronically elevates his cortisol beyond a healthy level.

        Trust me, excess cortisol “functionally ages” your body faster, and it will put lines on your face.

        With exercise and recovery there is an overtraining point where you tear down the muscle more than it can recover stronger from during your initial recovery timeframe, and when you keep your cortisol elevated that point actually decreases. So a little too much exercise is much worse for muscle gain than slightly too little.

        Too many people take advice from dudes doing illegal anabolic steroids, and assume that everybody should be doing a lot of intense exercise to get the best gains. If you’re over 50 then you should be training naturally. You shouldn’t train like a beast for 3 hours like some guy who’s on the sauce. 15 minutes to an hour of strength training every other day is most efficient for a typical 50 year old, beyond that you get diminishing returns and greater chance for injury.

        Nor should a person starting out be expected to make radical diet changes that are unpleasant and mostly unnecessary. If you want a calorie deficit, just eat a little less of the same stuff you have been eating. And if you want to make a little change to help gain muscle and loose fat, then try to eat a higher percentage of protein rich foods or supplement protein. People are far more likely to start an exercise program if they realize that with a lot less effort they can still look as good as Scott and I do.

        Benign prostatic hyperplasia (BPH) and prostate cancer are not caused by DHT. The medical industry won’t tell you this, but all Estradiol related cancers (Prostate, Breast, Uterine, Ovarian, Endometrial, and Etc.) are mostly the long term result of iodine deficiency. You can actually shrink your prostate pretty quickly with certain SARMs like Ostarine (plus build muscle and heal joints). Start supplementing iodine 5-25 mg. per day along with 200 mcg of selenium, and you will likely avoid having prostate problems later in life. That’s about 50-250 times the 125 mcg USRDA for iodine, or what normally comes in a “complete” multivitamin. The USRDA is generally set to the level where below that you quickly show obvious signs of deficiency, it is not set to the optimal level of those nutrients.

        Testosterone converts to DHT via 5-alpha-reductase. Once DHT gets used up it cannot convert to any other steroid or back to testosterone. Cholesterol is the source of your bodily steroidogenesis so eat plenty of it. Cholesterol does not cause heart disease. Oxidized Cholesterol is the villain, so just take some antioxidants like vitamin C. Less than 1/3rd of your bodies cholesterol comes from your diet, your liver and cells have to produce the rest. Statins are the devil! Avoid them.

        Walmart sells Dehydroepiandrosterone (DHEA) over the counter cheap, if you want to tell people that you take steroids. LOL! It is an androgen two steps upstream from testosterone.

        Here is a handy chart for how your steroidogenesis works in your body to produce cortisol, testosterone, estradiol, and all your other steroids:
        https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/1/13/Steroidogenesis.svg
        [Jack: This comment has been edited for disrespectful sarcasm.]

        Like

      • cameron232 says:

        THanks for the info on hormones – you’ve clearly studied it more than I have.

        Scott is like 50-ish. I work with a lot of 50-ish guys. The dude is in the top couple percent of 50ish guys. Some guys enjoy running long distances. I like fast intense exercise. A few sets building up to one very heavy, low rep set. Running relatively short distances very quickly. SO I can get it over wtih and sit on my butt.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Oscar says:

        I’m 45. I haven’t seen my abs since around 36, and I’m not willing to do the things I’d have to do to make them visible again. No thanks.

        I used to do one strength training movement (squat, deadlift, press, bench press, pull-ups), then a high intensity interval session per day. Ever since I started doing jiu-jitsu more regularly, I found that I can’t do all three, so something had to give.

        Now, I’ve been doing one strength training movement, and one jiu-jitsu class per day, 3-5 days a week. I’ll let you guys know how that goes in a few months. Maybe around summer time.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Scott says:

        “Doctor” of psychiatry

        Someone called me this, and I need to correct this notion. I am doctor of philosophy, in psychology. There are no scare quotes around the word on my degree. I am not a physician, which is what a psychiatrist is.

        I have repeatedly (which means over and over) pointed out that mine is simply my own way of doing it. I don’t care how others do theirs. I borrow from others, piecemeal it together. Some stuff has worked, some has not. But I never met a 50 year old who can keep with me on any dimension (that I care about). Speed, strength, endurance.

        I am politely and graciously sharing my ideas about fitness. I’m sure many will disagree with me.
        [Jack: This comment was edited for disrespectful sarcasm.]

        Liked by 2 people

      • Sharkly says:

        Yes, you’re right Scott, I did interchange the term psychiatry for psychology. You are right that does make me look stupid, and so I’ll accept your correction and try to keep that straight from here on out. The scare quotes around “doctor” were because the word has a connotation for many people of being schooled in medicine, but I see you took it as an insult to yourself and your credential, when I clumsily was just trying to point out that your doctorate was not in the medicinal arts. I was not meaning to insult your “doctoral” education. In the aerospace industry that I work in, many of the “doctors” make a point of telling people that they’re “not a doctor” when somebody starts calling them “doctor”.

        Scott, you and I disagree on what it is to be a “Christian” or perhaps a Christ follower. While I’m not claiming I couldn’t have handled things better, or maybe even should have just left it be, followers of Christ aren’t the “cult of nice”, trying to always be non-offensive is how we got rolled by the world, and wound up living in such a non-Christian society. While I certainly don’t claim that my knowledge or opinions on exercise physiology are inspired, I do feel like they are backed up by “science”, and widespread general experience. Listening to both of your videos it didn’t seem like you were claiming that your workout regime was primarily a quest for speed and endurance while gaining and holding extra muscle. If it had been presented that way, as a workout specialized to maintain speed and distance running ability while maintaining well above average strength an musculature, I wouldn’t have taken issue with it.

        I took it as you were detailing and recommending your workout to those in the manosphere and elsewhere who want to gain strength and muscle while staying lean, and your plan is just not geared for most people to do that in the most efficient way. It really is an intense plan for distance runners who want to build and hold more muscle than most distance runners, while staying pretty competitive with them. Unless folks really have made being a competitive distance runner a top priority, then the plan is going to require way more work to accomplish than the muscle building and fat loss “recomp” that most middle aged men want. The articles I linked to explain it more tactfully than I have, even though I believe their purpose is similar, to cut through the common misconceptions and explain to people why they are getting diminished muscle building and fat loss results even with so many hours of exercise every week.

        Scott, although we’re not likely to see eye to eye, I commend you on your hard work, both in getting your degree and in your fitness efforts. You should be proud of your accomplishments, even if others choose to live and believe quite differently. You claim your “bedside manner” is to give your understanding to people bluntly, and that was what I was also trying to do.

        Not to get into another ball of wax, but it might illustrate for you, what I see:
        On another thread you are disagreeing about whether “duckie” was cool or not(I didn’t see the movie, but people’s consensus seems to be with you) with a guy who is 6’4″ lean and not too bad looking, but yet he has seemingly come to the conclusion that his “ugly” face must be preventing him from having normal positive relationships with most women. I suspect that you probably suspect it is something else, but the man has already “tried it all” and ruled out every other possible cause in his own mind.

        You come across to me as having a similar blind spot. You maintain that your body/frame just doesn’t allow you to carry a lot of muscle and that your body is immune to showing your abs well, and that during the last two decades of intense workout, you’ve “tried it all”. But then you also say that you just don’t feel good if you haven’t gone running or done a whole bunch of cardio.(and elevated your cortisol level like you always do)
        What if both of you men’s limitations weren’t a physical reality, set in concrete, but were a result of you getting what ordinarily comes from your pattern of behavior, and that it is just easier to claim “it is impossible” than to change the part of your pattern of ways that is sabotaging the results you both oddly claim are impossible for you to get?

        Like

  9. thedeti says:

    Comment on the video and post:

    Her choices are (1) leave the baby daddy and take the job in a new state; or (2) stay with baby daddy and decline the job.

    Both courses of action have upsides and downsides, so the trick for her is deciding what downsides she can live with. It is possible, but not likely, that baby daddy will come around. The kid is almost a year old and he still hasn’t pulled it together. It’s possible, but not likely, that she will find another black man to marry her. She’s a 25 year old, black never married single mother. The reality is that she has her race and single mother status working against her. What works for her is that she’s young, sweet, feminine, kind, and pretty (i.e. not a ratchet). What works against her is making one of the worst decisions a young black woman can make. She should not count on finding any young black men to marry her and take on raising another man’s genetic offspring. It’s not her; it’s the fact that from day one, anyone expressing any interest in your client has to figure the child into the mix – a child that isn’t his.

    She needs to think about herself and the child here, not the baby daddy. Baby daddy isn’t coming around any time soon, so she is going to have to do it. She is going to have to go it alone here. But, your client needs to think about the child and what she can do legally. If baby daddy has any interest in the child he can block her from moving out of state with the child. So she needs to tell him about the offer, and he needs to make decisions right now about whether he wants to be a father and wants to make it right with her and his daughter. Either way, if she takes the job (which I would suggest she do), she needs to petition and argue aggressively to take the child with her out of state. She needs to take action on this now.

    She should leave baby daddy, take the job, and get permission from the court to move out of state with her daughter, with a concomitant paternity acknowledgment and child support order. I think this is best mainly because your client has pulled it together and has a plan. Baby daddy hasn’t come around and shows no signs of coming around. Downside for her is that she’ll be going it alone for the most part. Her black single mom status severely downgrades her RMV/MMV. That’s just a fact.

    Like

    • Jack says:

      Deti wrote,

      “She needs to think about herself and the child here, not the baby daddy. Baby daddy isn’t coming around any time soon, so she is going to have to do it. She is going to have to go it alone here.”

      Maybe… It’s hard to speculate about him, but I don’t agree that she should not consider his position.

      “So she needs to tell him about the offer, and he needs to make decisions right now about whether he wants to be a father and wants to make it right with her and his daughter.”

      I agree that she should present her choices to the father of her child and press him for his decision on the matter before proceeding to make a unilateral decision for herself. There are some benefits to this approach.
      –It shows him respect.
      –It recognizes his authority as the child’s father.
      –Being pressed to make a decision might make him feel motivated to be more involved as a family man.
      –If he responds positively, and she is willing, then this would be an excellent time for her to ask him to get a job, marry her, and so on. It could even be negotiated as a “trade off” for her forfeiting the job offer. This would be good for him and the child. If he cares about her and/or the child at all, she could use this to leverage a lot out of him.
      –If not, then the decision will be clear and settled.

      The first two points above are important to God. Her submission in this respect gives God the opportunity to work in his life. In turn, this increases the possibility that he will respond positively.

      Scott, you might need to explain to her how she can get what she wants from him by being humble, respectful, and submissive, and why this is the easiest and best approach, all things considered.

      Like

      • Elspeth says:

        @ Jack:

        I agree with you that ideally, keeping this family unit intact is best for the child. Ideally.

        But the kind of situation she could be setting up for herself and her child, by prioritizing staying together as the primary directive, could be a long-term disaster. There’s literally a whole school of thought for that kind of thing. ‘Struggle love”, it’s called and it is basically the template of black women making all the sacrifices and pulling out all the stops to keep the relationship afloat and the family taken care of, while receiving nothing for her efforts but a willing sex partner.

        The memes abound, even among black celebrity couples, where the woman has put up with his instability, infidelity, and independability (yeah, made up word). Then usually, when the t-levels are dropping and the desire to settle in and settle down sets in, she finally, after 15, 20 years has the privilege of the blissful marriage that she has longed for, after years of longsuffering.

        The result of that? Usually sons and daughters who repeat the patterns. Note in Scott’s video that the mother of the baby daddy had a relationship with his father that was pretty similar to the one she is currently sick of having with him.

        Now, you might say that this is the price she has to pay for procreating with him. You wouldn’t be the first to say such a thing. There are people who would agree with you. You may even be right.

        I just think it’s worth pointing out that there are some dynamics here that don’t really fall in line with the typical relational analysis parroted in the red pill sphere. At the end of the day, it all comes back down to yeah, picking the wrong guy, but in a community where the marriageable women outnumber the marriageable men by quite a bit, the men are much less well behaved.

        Like

      • Jack says:

        Elspeth,
        My main point is that she should tell him about her job opportunity and find out what he wants and what he’s willing to do and/or offer. She should not just disappear, and she should not tell him, “Here’s what I’m going to do… (whether you like it or not)”. I’m saying respect is important to a man, and also to God. The best thing for her to do depends largely on his response. From there on, it’s up to her to decide.

        Like

      • Elspeth says:

        Oh, okay. Got it.

        Keep in mind y’all, that this job offer came from the child’s paternal grandmother. So there is very little chance of the opportunity permanently separating this man from his child unless he allows it by his own lack of fatherly follow-through.

        Liked by 1 person

  10. lastmod says:

    Not too much comment on the topic of the video……….probably because just about all men in the ‘sphere believe “this woman made poor choices and she has to live with them. Forever. Sure, she can repent, and strive, change….but we won’t and should never forget her past mistakes. This woman is a secret feminist who will be on ‘only fans’ the second she gets the opportunity to do so”

    They won’t really criticize Scott or his take on this because he is part of “the group” here. If I posted a video about a woman I know personally who turned life around from drugs, hooking, got her kid back from foster care, and is holding up pretty well considering her past choices I would be told to “go marry that single mom” (I did try to date her years ago……..she wasn’t interested in me for obvious reasons) and “men have to marry a virgin at 19, or 20 or it’s over, and she had better not ever want to work or she is a feminist”

    The hope of Christianity that I still cling to, and admire and fully understand is that “there is a beyond. There is redemption. There is a ‘turning away’ from your past. There can be new beginings. There is indeed hope. Grace. Mercy and love. There are second chances”

    A shame most christians don’t even believe this. Imagine the turn around in the faith and impact in our culture if this was striven for and directed at people who indeed want to change their lives.

    I am glad she seeked out your counsel Scott. I hope she makes it, and I hope your helps will make her into something better

    Like

  11. Elspeth says:

    I have seen enough to know that this woman doesn’t necessarily have to go it alone. Depending on what region of the country she lives in, you’d be surprised how much more open-minded men are when a woman is attractive. The world is a lot messier than our biases and binary lenses care to admit.

    It’s like I said when I commented originally. If she is willing to date about 10-12 years older, options are there. But first, she needs to close the door on the mess she is in now before even thinking about dating, and she needs to keep working with Scott so that she makes more intentional decisions going forward.

    Of course, I caveat all of this with the statement that my idea of what constitutes a good, worthy, happy and even beautiful life has absolutely ZERO to do with upper middle class status markers. A simple middle class life filled with love and gratitude should be more than within the realm of possibility for her achieve.

    Liked by 2 people

    • cameron232 says:

      Sure, she has options. Men don’t prefer single moms but her other qualities matter and the man’s assessment of his own options matter.

      We know a former single mom (two kids) who was addicted to drugs. She met her second husband in narcotics anonymous. He is much older (40’s vs. 20’s for her). She is reasonably decent looking (not overweight, reasonably pretty). From appearances she made a good wife for a man (I’m guessing) looking at maybe his last chance for a young wife. They have had an additional 5 kids together. She is a Christian now who among other things affirms her husband’s headship (not real common among 21st century Christian women).

      She has at times reverted to drug use. There is always more risk with someone with background issues.

      Like

    • SFC Ton says:

      Truer words never spoken and all that

      Liked by 1 person

  12. Elspeth says:

    A quick primer on the concept of “struggle love”.

    https://blackdoctor.org/lets-stop-encouraging-struggle-love/2/

    Clearly, we’ve all seen it regardless of race and ethnic background, but it is normative and hailed and many black women expect to live like this.

    Like

  13. Scott says:

    To make it clear, there is no way for her to accept the position with the fathers mom without entanglement

    The client, the baby and the dad are all moving back east when the client gets out of the military. Back to where the father’s mother lives and has her business.

    She just doesn’t expect them to be a “couple” in any meaningful way by then.

    Like

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