A theory of attraction based on the spiritual state of the heart.
Readership: All; Christians; Singles;
Note: In this essay, “soft-hearted” means living in continual communion with the spiritual wisdom and discernment offered by a heart led awareness of the spiritual world. It does not mean wimpy, effeminate, chivalrous, nor “nice”. “Hard-hearted” follows the Biblical description of the term, which means being in the habit of relying primarily on one’s own reason and sense of personal justice, and thereby ignoring those things which are spiritually discerned.
In a previous post, Looking at the Essentials (2020 June 12), I discussed how single Christians have to consider their spiritual constitution as well as their carnal nature in order to know one’s self more thoroughly.
One of the higher purposes of this introspection is to better identify a potential spouse who might offer a deeper, more fulfilling, and more sanctifying connection in marriage.
This post goes further into analyzing the spiritual aspects and presents a theory based on my own experience and my observations of others. I welcome any thoughts, additional insights, and constructive criticism that the readers may have to offer.
The Heart-Based Theory of Attraction
Here, I will assume that people tend to form relationships more easily with those who share similar values and who communicate on the same spiritual wavelength. For proof of this, all you have to do is look at how cliques form within any group. Did you ever wonder why people gravitate into these cliques? People don’t make a conscious decision about which clique to join. It just comes out that way. And after cliques form, there’s a pecking order that becomes manifested. No one joins a clique thinking that he/she wants to be the AMOG, or the queen bee, or the butt of all the jokes, or whatever his/her role is in the clique. It just comes out that way. There’s something deeper and more fundamental that cements these people together and causes them to assert specific roles in the group.
This same phenomenon happens with intersexual attraction too. People tend to be attracted to certain people and not others. Those who are hard hearted tend to be primarily attracted to the evolutionary indicators of health, fitness, and fertility that have been discussed in the Manosphere over the past decade. (For the purposes of discussion, I’ll call this a Carnal Attraction.)
Those who are soft-hearted consider these things as well, but they also have a deeper personal awareness of “fit” and overall compatibility. They are more aware of how the other person affects their emotional health and spiritual growth. They may also recognize a larger purpose for being in relationship with a particular person. (I’ll refer to this as a Spiritual Attraction.)
A more mature person will prioritize the discernment of these deeper truths of identity in a Spiritual Attraction, and assign greater credence to this kind of relationship. Some people call this type of fit a “true” attraction, or a “true” relationship.
For example, when two married couples first meet, they usually exchange stories of how they met their spouse (viz. their Meet Cute experiences). The underlying motivation for discussing this subject is to ascertain the nature, strength, and purpose of the other couple’s relationship. This can often help them understand the couple much faster and better.
Interpreting Some Commonly Heard Terminology
As a praxeology, we often see women size up men based on the table below. A description follows (in green text).
According to this conceptualization, the type of man a particular woman is attracted to depends, in part, on the spiritual state of her own heart.
Soft-hearted women should naturally find soft-hearted men preferable, whereas hard-hearted, fleshly-minded wimmin would be drawn to cads for Tingles.
Likewise, soft-hearted men should naturally find soft-hearted women preferable, whereas lecherous cads inevitably gravitate towards hard-hearted slores for the payoff. (Cads and slores are hard-hearted by definition.)
Granted, this correlation is greatly oversimplified for the sake of clarity. I know many readers will object to the real-world accuracy of these assertions, and I am sure there are exceptions in the real world, but this assessment might explain much of the seemingly bizarre attraction that we often see, as well as why some other couples seem to be perfect together.
When you understand that the respective partners in a relationship choose each other for specific reasons, then you can begin to appreciate how they are (or fail to be) perfect together. If you can’t understand what that reason is, or if you disagree about the value of that reason, then you will not be able to understand why certain people get together.
A Speculum in the Mirror
It seems like good, solid marriages are hard to come by these days. When we find one, we might ask ourselves how they got so lucky.
But this is not due to blind luck. These people must have had a deeper sense of self-awareness and they knew themselves and what was of primordial importance to their lives. They were also able to identify something within the soul of the other person which resonated harmoniously with their own soul. Thus, as a result of their discernment of the spiritual implications, they were able to make a better choice. The common term for this approach is wisdom, but wisdom requires a level of discernment that a hard hearted person does not, and cannot have.
For those who find themselves having perpetual bad luck in love, it may very well be a result of the lack of discernment and wisdom. If a man finds that he is continuously attracted to cold, calculating, hard-hearted, sizzling hot wimmin, then this might be an indicator that he is hard core himself.
Likewise, women who are irresistibly drawn to Harvey Wallbangers, even though they know he’ll toss them aside the next morning, are relying totally on visceral cues of carnal attraction, and have no awareness that a deeper and more satisfying form of emotional connection is possible.
I experienced this phenomenon myself for many years, and I was always so frustrated that I couldn’t attract a woman whom I considered to be marriage worthy. It wasn’t until after many years (and a couple marriages) that I realized that I was hard-hearted, and that I was subconsciously attracted to hard-hearted wimmin. This contributed greatly to my difficulties in finding an appropriate person to marry, and building a stable marriage. Since I discovered the Heart-Led Way to interact with life, the nature of these blunders have become more apparent to me.
One proposition that has been offered in this post is that people choose their friends, lovers, partners, and spouses for a reason. Unfortunately, it is rather common for people to enter into relationships without any awareness of what that reason is. As a result, people are unaware of the kind of relationship it can possibly become and are likely to become disappointed or frustrated because of the inevitable disconnect between expectations and reality. I will posit that this is a common cause of divorce.
We can safely presume that any relationship formed between two people who are hard-hearted will not yield the maximum spiritual benefits that might be obtained through a relationship, but instead will lead to one (or both) engaging in dysfunctional relationship patterns with the aim of gratifying the desires of the flesh. A profuse dedication to being spiritually obedient to God’s Law might ameliorate much of the pain and dysfunction, but this approach is difficult and unlikely to occur, nor will it yield the full cornucopia of marital satisfaction that God intends.
On the other hand, being soft-hearted brings an added dimension of spiritual awareness which can offer one a great deal of wisdom in choosing a relationship partner. This discernment can also help one detect what kind of potential the relationship might have, before one gets too far into it. Choosing a partner who is compatible, not only in the flesh (e.g. personality, habits, socioeconomic level, SMV parity), but also in the spirit (e.g. having mutual values, a similar life purpose, and a shared source of joy), has the potential to produce a satisfying relationship that possesses the vital essentials necessary to weather the years together.