Satan’s Secret Recipe for a Heretical Purity Movement

Only the Grand Master Bait could concoct such a beautiful disaster!

Readership: Christians, especially those who have experienced the Purity Movement;

There’s a secret recipe for perdition which only our most gloriously evil overlords are privy to.  It remains a highly protected trade secret among the malefide.

As the story goes, back in 1984, the Resistors tuned into dyslectic broadband (66.6 MHz) and picked up this conversation between Lord Sor Deviass and the Grand Master Baiter.

Let’s tune in to their decrepit conversations…

*       *       *       *       *

Master Baiter: The Emperor has given us a new assignment, but it’s not so new actually.  We’ve done stuff like this before.  Too many earthlings have been experiencing sanctification and shalom, and we’ve got to do something to prevent this.

Lord Deviass: [incoherent mumbling]  I know!  First, let’s begin with adolescents who have freshly entered into the raging hormones of puberty, and who are naïve and inexperienced.  It’s so much fun and so easy to throw a monkey branch into their family trees!

Master Baiter: Good idea!  Normally, the Bible prescribes marriage for young’uns such as these.  But our persnickety father below taught us long ago that we have to find some way to hijack the process and destroy anything good that might come out of normal sexual relations within marriage.  Most of all, we must never let the earthlings actually enjoy being obedient to that carpenter’s son of antiquity, Mr. J.

Lord Deviass: It would be even better if we could do so much damage, that the target has little chance of ever finding emotional or sexual satisfaction in marriage.

Master Baiter: Right!  So let’s take those Biblical commandments that they revere so much, and twist them into saying that they can’t have sex until some vague time in the future.  It doesn’t matter what that time might be.  The only thing that matters is that the time is always later, and never now.  Laying the law on them with this command will provoke their sinful natures, and this will make the demolition of their souls all that much easier.

Lord Deviass: But how could we possibly convince them that sex and marriage is evil?

Master Baiter: We could say that extramarital sex is evil, a “sin”, and that they shouldn’t have sex until they’re married.  Make it seem like that is something that would keep them out of sin.  That way, they’ll never suspect that we’ve already cooked them into the batch of cultural sin.  But of course, we can’t allow them to actually marry.

Lord Deviass: Also, we can’t tell them outright that they can’t get married, because that would show our hand.  We need to give them just enough hope to keep them hooked.  Instead, we’ll just give them some reasonable excuses to keep postponing marriage.  It doesn’t matter whether they are true or not, because they are too naïve to know the difference.  Over the last few centuries, our globular think-tank has come up with quite a few prevaricating justifications.

  • Marriage and raising children is too expensive!
  • You don’t have enough money!
  • Don’t marry anyone who isn’t a Christian!
  • This otherwise perfect person isn’t perfect enough for perfect you!
  • Love won’t pay the bills!
  • You should be focused on getting an education and preparing for your career.
  • Marriage will tie you down, so you’d better learn to enjoy your life first.
  • Marriage is such a heavy burden of commitment… and children!  Lawdie!  SMH

Master Baiter: That’s beautiful… pure evil!  I should send you back to the woodpile for this.

Lord Deviass: Oh Master, please don’t mention the woodpile again!  I’ll be so weak in the knees that I’ll screw over this mission for sure.

Master Baiter: Fine.  I’ll catch your @ss unawares after the mission is complete.  Don’t forget YOLO and all that other true lie $ћ!t.

Lord Deviass: As I recall, we do have a few other slicks up our sphincters.

  • Find Yourself™.
  • Season of sexed up
  • Travel the world over, and stop for the grand finale in Carthage!

The good news is that for the men, we can continue to use that old, worn out one-liner.

“Sow your wild peas and carrots before you settle down with a $ћ!tty sack of potatoes!”

Master Baiter: You are so midevil!  Get with the times!  Carthage is so Iron Age-ish!  I believe sin city is now located in Californica in North Slumerica, and the current word is “oats”, as in “sow your wild oats”.

Lord Deviass: I have another idea, your royal sliminess.  We could even try to sour their psychological concept of sex.  To do this, we can twist the scriptural condemnation of fornicators and adulterers, and insinuate that it applies to them before they’ve even had sex.  It would only be one step further to teach them that sex is bad and evil.

Master Baiter: I’ll be d@mned!  This is making me harder!

3Ykz8

Lord Deviass: To make this plan work, your lowness, we’ll need to get parents and church leaders on board.  In fact, we don’t need to work so hard if we can somehow get them to do the hard work of educating these randy brats into believing the above heretical doctrines and principles.

Master Baiter: No problem Deviass, we’ve already conquered the educational system and the legal jurispridence.

Lord Deviass: Most rancid $ћ!t and foghorn farts!  You’re giving me a constant craving for that squalid pigsty Earth again!

Master Baiter: Keep a lid on it, tightypants!  [indistinct muttering]  Here we go.  In short form, the Emperor’s secret recipe is comprised of 11 principles and powers as follows.

  1. No sex.  But if they rebel and reject God, then let’s reward them with a spanky smorgasboard!  Better yet, let’s create a dilemma in which they must choose between sex and God!
  2. No marriage.  And if it does manage to happen, let’s make sure it is to the most unsuitable mate possible.
  3. Lots of temptation.  Asmodeus!  Pour it on until their knees quiver!
  4. Bad teaching. No worries here.  We’ve already toppled the church.  Our family man Dobson and that young punk Harris will handle the details with no problem.
  5. No mentoring.  This will be easy to do since the Boomers are at the age of being mentors.  Heh heh…
  6. Conform and Perform.  Lots of pressure to conform, obey, perform. Let’s make them believe that Christ is worthless, and that they have to work to save their skins.
  7. Lay the law on them.  Keep them focused on the ecstasies of the flesh, and how these pleasures are forbidden by our emeny.  Let’s frustrate the ћәll into them.
  8. No accountability.  Cultural forces will clean up any possibility of shame and repentance.
  9. No lurrrvy feewings.  No realistic opportunities to meet a potential marriage-worthy partner. Let’s keep them all busy f*cking around with someone else.
  10. Idolatries galore.  Fill their minds with the glorious Expectations of the Perfect Soul Mate Idolatry!
  11. Waste their time.  Distract them by keeping them busy working towards various goals, e.g. education, career, earning money, earning a feminist merit badge… Hә11, we could even present “purity” as a goal!

Lord Deviass: Absolutely positively pusillanimous!  It’s such a joy to watch those prudes squirm as they grow old with regrets on their conscience!  I cannot help but to feel a raging desire to be rapaciously ribald!

Master Baiter: Yes, my truculent troglodyte!  This secret recipe is finger licking good!  Now pass the word on to Carbuncle Cracker and his gang of miscreants.  They’ll squeeze them into situations where they’ll be so frustrated and desperate that they’ll be willing to compromise whatever vestiges of conscience they might have, or better yet, aspotasize!

Lord Deviass: I swear by the love of bondage porn, Master Baiter, this plan is even better than that time we ransacked the Polish aristocracy~!

Master Baiter: Ahh, no…  Nothing is better than the pole position!

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About Jack

Jack is a world traveling artist, skilled in trading ideas and information, none of which are considered too holy, too nerdy, nor too profane to hijack and twist into useful fashion. Sigma Frame Mindsets and methods for building and maintaining a masculine Frame
This entry was posted in Conspiracy Theories, Courtship and Marriage, Discerning Lies and Deception, Education, Models of Failure, Purity Culture, Satire, Uncategorized and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

27 Responses to Satan’s Secret Recipe for a Heretical Purity Movement

  1. Ed Hurst says:

    Ah, yes: a rehash of The Screwtape Letters.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. AngloSaxon says:

    CS Lewis is overrated.

    Like

  3. wodansthane says:

    @AngloSaxon
    CS Lewis is overrated.
    OK…you would have greater credibility if you were to publish something superior to his work. Or maybe just better than Chesterton, Belloc, or Tolkien.

    Liked by 1 person

    • AngloSaxon says:

      CS Lewis is overrated because he held beliefs which contradict the Bible:

      “I think that every prayer which is sincerely made even to a false god or to a very imperfectly conceived true God, is accepted by the true God and that Christ saves many who do not think they know Him.”

      So if I prayer to Allah who is no god but I’m sincere then the One True God will accept my prayer according to Lewis!

      Like

      • Lexet Blog says:

        He also had an adulterous marriage.

        Like

      • okrahead says:

        Milton also had views which contradict the Bible (he believed Christ was a created being). Does that make him overrated as well?

        Like

      • JPF says:

        I think that every prayer which is sincerely made even to a false god or to a very imperfectly conceived true God, is accepted by the true God

        He had almost the exact same line in the last Narnia book, The Last Battle.
        I see nothing in Scripture to support his view.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Jack says:

        To play the devil’s advocate for the sake of argumentation, I know of a couple verses that might support Lewis’ views.

        “Therefore I say unto you, Every sin and blasphemy shall be forgiven unto men; but the blasphemy against the Spirit shall not be forgiven.” ~ Matthew 12:31

        “And anyone who speaks a word against the Son of Man, it will be forgiven him; but to him who blasphemes against the Holy Spirit, it will not be forgiven.” ~ Luke 12:10

        Based on these verses, it is apparent that one can reject Jesus and Christianity as a religion, but yet still find God through the Holy Spirit. Contrary to popular belief, the Holy Spirit does exist outside of ‘Murica.

        Like

      • AngloSaxon says:

        Matthew 12:31 is about Jesus responding to the pharisees who were claiming he was driving out actual demons using demonic power! The verse before it says “Whoever is not with me is against me, and whoever does not gather with me scatters”. I don’t see how the Matt verse supports your view at all! Literally the verse in front of it tells us if you are not with me Jesus (i.e a christian) who are against him, how on earth can you “find God” through the Holy Spirit if you are against Jesus Christ!

        Like

  4. Scott says:

    I was on rich coopers show tonight

    (About half way in)

    Liked by 2 people

    • Lexet Blog says:

      Scott- how is your cabin build going?

      Like

    • okrahead says:

      Scott,
      Re: Laying off whatever and depression. You talked about not doing whatever you love to do and a cycle of depression. That in mind, does this carry over to church when churches are shut down as they have been in many areas the last few months. Does this cause a similar cycle of depression, especially amongst those who participate the most in church activities? I’m seeing some, and hearing from others, that even where churches have now opened their doors again attendance/participation has cratered.

      Like

      • Scott says:

        This would stand to reason. I know when I miss for long periods of time, my whole family ceases to function correctly.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Lexet Blog says:

    On one end of the spectrum, you have guys who say about married sex: “You are sinning if you do it for your pleasure and fun” (Piper), and on the other you get: “Don’t care what the woman wants, you have your fun” (Wilson). (Both are heretics and are both in agreement in their perversion of justification and the doctrines of grace.)

    Like

    • okrahead says:

      Obviously Piper is doing it wrong. Just a hunch, but I’m guessing many more women would actually be pleased by Wilson’s approach.

      Like

    • AngloSaxon says:

      I’m convinced they say its sinful do screw for pleasure because they think that sex is dirty and bad and only really tolerable because its how we make more of us.

      Like

      • Lexet Blog says:

        Agree, because that’s the position of Rome, and many of the leading guys out there are “reformed” people who want reconciliation with Rome or to parody it

        Like

      • AngloSaxon says:

        It’s the position of Augustine whom is beloved by many!

        Liked by 1 person

      • Lexet Blog says:

        Yet another dude who was placed into authority over the church immediately, when he didn’t meet the basic requirements of Timothy and Titus.

        It’s part of the failure of the reformed movement. Many aren’t truly Protestant. They are pro Roman Catholic who want to go back to the Augustinian era.

        Like

    • OKRickety says:

      Lexet,
      Is “don’t care what the woman wants, you have your fun” your interpretation of Wilson’s statement “A man penetrates, conquers, colonizes, plants. A woman receives, surrenders, accepts.”?

      Like

      • Lexet Blog says:

        If you are familiar with Wilson’s writings, how he characterizes women, etc., I do not see how you can come to any other conclusion.

        When it comes to sex, Wilson is a creep. He endorses marriages between young women and guys with criminal histories of sexual abuse and rape, he makes comments like the one you quoted above, and he sexually describes/humiliates female authors he interacts with.

        Like

      • Lexet Blog says:

        I have an article on Doug Wilson’s word salad.

        He is an apostate and his church denomination is an apostate cult. The reason more Christians don’t oppose them is because modern reformed Protestantism right now thinks that the priority of the gospel is preaching against communism, and that it’s ok to hold ecumenical crusades on that basis.

        Like

  6. Scott says:

    Many of my uber Orthodox friends say that my wife and I have “too much” passion for each other. This is like saying that I have too much stored ammo in my basement.

    Like

    • Jack says:

      “too much passion”… Maybe what they’re NOT saying is that your marriage pushes them out of their comfort zone and it’s giving them the conviction that their own marriage is missing something.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Scott says:

        I just put on my best Kip Dynamite impression and say “You’re just jealous that I’ve been chatting with babes online all day.”

        Liked by 1 person

  7. Jack says:

    It is interesting to me that no one has commented about the purity movement, which is the main subject of this post.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Scott says:

    I just put on my best Kip Dynamite impression and say “You’re just jealous that I’ve been chatting with babes online all day.”

    Wheras the “babes” are “my wife” and we aren’t “chatting.”

    Liked by 1 person

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