Only the Grand Master Bait could concoct such a beautiful disaster!
Readership: Christians, especially those who have experienced the Purity Movement;
There’s a secret recipe for perdition which only our most gloriously evil overlords are privy to. It remains a highly protected trade secret among the malefide.
As the story goes, back in 1984, the Resistors tuned into dyslectic broadband (66.6 MHz) and picked up this conversation between Lord Sor Deviass and the Grand Master Baiter.
Let’s tune in to their decrepit conversations…
* * * * *
Master Baiter: The Emperor has given us a new assignment, but it’s not so new actually. We’ve done stuff like this before. Too many earthlings have been experiencing sanctification and shalom, and we’ve got to do something to prevent this.
Lord Deviass: [incoherent mumbling] I know! First, let’s begin with adolescents who have freshly entered into the raging hormones of puberty, and who are naïve and inexperienced. It’s so much fun and so easy to throw a monkey branch into their family trees!
Master Baiter: Good idea! Normally, the Bible prescribes marriage for young’uns such as these. But our persnickety father below taught us long ago that we have to find some way to hijack the process and destroy anything good that might come out of normal sexual relations within marriage. Most of all, we must never let the earthlings actually enjoy being obedient to that carpenter’s son of antiquity, Mr. J.
Lord Deviass: It would be even better if we could do so much damage, that the target has little chance of ever finding emotional or sexual satisfaction in marriage.
Master Baiter: Right! So let’s take those Biblical commandments that they revere so much, and twist them into saying that they can’t have sex until some vague time in the future. It doesn’t matter what that time might be. The only thing that matters is that the time is always later, and never now. Laying the law on them with this command will provoke their sinful natures, and this will make the demolition of their souls all that much easier.
Lord Deviass: But how could we possibly convince them that sex and marriage is evil?
Master Baiter: We could say that extramarital sex is evil, a “sin”, and that they shouldn’t have sex until they’re married. Make it seem like that is something that would keep them out of sin. That way, they’ll never suspect that we’ve already cooked them into the batch of cultural sin. But of course, we can’t allow them to actually marry.
Lord Deviass: Also, we can’t tell them outright that they can’t get married, because that would show our hand. We need to give them just enough hope to keep them hooked. Instead, we’ll just give them some reasonable excuses to keep postponing marriage. It doesn’t matter whether they are true or not, because they are too naïve to know the difference. Over the last few centuries, our globular think-tank has come up with quite a few prevaricating justifications.
- Marriage and raising children is too expensive!
- You don’t have enough money!
- Don’t marry anyone who isn’t a Christian!
- This otherwise perfect person isn’t perfect enough for perfect you!
- Love won’t pay the bills!
- You should be focused on getting an education and preparing for your career.
- Marriage will tie you down, so you’d better learn to enjoy your life first.
- Marriage is such a heavy burden of commitment… and children! Lawdie! SMH
Master Baiter: That’s beautiful… pure evil! I should send you back to the woodpile for this.
Lord Deviass: Oh Master, please don’t mention the woodpile again! I’ll be so weak in the knees that I’ll screw over this mission for sure.
Master Baiter: Fine. I’ll catch your @ss unawares after the mission is complete. Don’t forget YOLO and all that other true lie $ћ!t.
Lord Deviass: As I recall, we do have a few other slicks up our sphincters.
- Find Yourself™.
- Season of sexed up
- Travel the world over, and stop for the grand finale in Carthage!
The good news is that for the men, we can continue to use that old, worn out one-liner.
“Sow your wild peas and carrots before you settle down with a $ћ!tty sack of potatoes!”
Master Baiter: You are so midevil! Get with the times! Carthage is so Iron Age-ish! I believe sin city is now located in Californica in North Slumerica, and the current word is “oats”, as in “sow your wild oats”.
Lord Deviass: I have another idea, your royal sliminess. We could even try to sour their psychological concept of sex. To do this, we can twist the scriptural condemnation of fornicators and adulterers, and insinuate that it applies to them before they’ve even had sex. It would only be one step further to teach them that sex is bad and evil.
Master Baiter: I’ll be d@mned! This is making me harder!
Lord Deviass: To make this plan work, your lowness, we’ll need to get parents and church leaders on board. In fact, we don’t need to work so hard if we can somehow get them to do the hard work of educating these randy brats into believing the above heretical doctrines and principles.
Master Baiter: No problem Deviass, we’ve already conquered the educational system and the legal jurispridence.
Lord Deviass: Most rancid $ћ!t and foghorn farts! You’re giving me a constant craving for that squalid pigsty Earth again!
Master Baiter: Keep a lid on it, tightypants! [indistinct muttering] Here we go. In short form, the Emperor’s secret recipe is comprised of 11 principles and powers as follows.
- No sex. But if they rebel and reject God, then let’s reward them with a spanky smorgasboard! Better yet, let’s create a dilemma in which they must choose between sex and God!
- No marriage. And if it does manage to happen, let’s make sure it is to the most unsuitable mate possible.
- Lots of temptation. Asmodeus! Pour it on until their knees quiver!
- Bad teaching. No worries here. We’ve already toppled the church. Our family man Dobson and that young punk Harris will handle the details with no problem.
- No mentoring. This will be easy to do since the Boomers are at the age of being mentors. Heh heh…
- Conform and Perform. Lots of pressure to conform, obey, perform. Let’s make them believe that Christ is worthless, and that they have to work to save their skins.
- Lay the law on them. Keep them focused on the ecstasies of the flesh, and how these pleasures are forbidden by our emeny. Let’s frustrate the ћәll into them.
- No accountability. Cultural forces will clean up any possibility of shame and repentance.
- No lurrrvy feewings. No realistic opportunities to meet a potential marriage-worthy partner. Let’s keep them all busy f*cking around with someone else.
- Idolatries galore. Fill their minds with the glorious Expectations of the Perfect Soul Mate Idolatry!
- Waste their time. Distract them by keeping them busy working towards various goals, e.g. education, career, earning money, earning a feminist merit badge… Hә11, we could even present “purity” as a goal!
Lord Deviass: Absolutely positively pusillanimous! It’s such a joy to watch those prudes squirm as they grow old with regrets on their conscience! I cannot help but to feel a raging desire to be rapaciously ribald!
Master Baiter: Yes, my truculent troglodyte! This secret recipe is finger licking good! Now pass the word on to Carbuncle Cracker and his gang of miscreants. They’ll squeeze them into situations where they’ll be so frustrated and desperate that they’ll be willing to compromise whatever vestiges of conscience they might have, or better yet, aspotasize!
Lord Deviass: I swear by the love of bondage porn, Master Baiter, this plan is even better than that time we ransacked the Polish aristocracy~!
Master Baiter: Ahh, no… Nothing is better than the pole position!