Education is important for building strong marriages. But what should be taught, and how?
Readership: Christians; Educators; Those supporting the institution of marriage;
Under a previous post, I posed the question.
“…from a broader viewpoint, I expect the Christian manosphere will eventually narrow down to this question: What is actually required to make male-female relations (i.e. marriage) “work”?”
Scott’s post about the Meet Cute phenomenon, Probabilities (2020-2-24), elucidated the value and importance of the woman’s level of enthusiasm towards the male from the onset of the relationship. But in the discussion since then, we found that even this is not enough. Readers have offered many supplementary solutions, but Scott and Sharkly pointed out that the problem is primarily a messaging issue. What message are young people getting about what is expected of young men and women?
“Currently, men are held to the same, if not higher standards in marriage than ever before. They must be honest, hardworking providers. They must be gracious and kind when that is what is called for. They must strong and aloof when that what is needed. They must instinctively know the difference and seemlessly transition from “beta” to “alpha” behaviors with utter perfection. They must be accountable, head over heels in love with their wives, drooling over her and praising everything she does, everything she wears, etc. They must do this in front of all her friends, until she doesn’t like it. Then, change. They must change diapers and do laundry, and look totally hot doing those house chores. They must curb their violent tendencies, until those violent tendencies are required by some woman nearby. They must wear stupid t-shirts about shotguns and dating their daughters, or dress like a fairy and put on makeup for Halloween. They must mentor the women they work with, unless “mentoring” comes across as creepy to that women, in which case they are sued for harassment. They must take risks, but not too much risk. They must not ask any questions of the woman they are dating related to her current situation. This makes you judgmental.
That is the message men receive. All day, every day, from every corner of life.
Women, in contrast get: Show up, you are awesome exactly like you are. There is no need to challenge yourself to do better. No need to be introspective about what a woman naturally brings to the table, or what drawbacks her feminine nature contains. You go grrrrrl. Any man is lucky for you to look in his direction.
Multiply that by 3 or 4 generations, and here we are.”
If she has had any feminist indoctrination at all, then this may eventually bear the fruit of indignation and divorce.
Is education (part of) the answer?
In the comments under a follow-up post, Sexual Consent in Marriage (2020-3-9), a tangential discussion brought up the need for young people to be properly educated about marriage in order to avail of the most optimal outcome.
Quoted texts have been adapted below in an easy-to-read format.
Lexet: I know of churches that require nearly an entire year of counseling before marriage. Having been through numerous premarital counseling books and programs, my suggestion is that singles looking to marry should read them before they are in a relationship. After you become engaged, it’s too late to really look inside of the relationship. Most people will try to irrationally overcome differences rather than honestly evaluate them, because they have already spent a lot of money on the relationship, the ring, and the future wedding.
Jack: Even one year of counseling is not sufficient. Young people should begin “marriage education” in conjunction with “sex education” in the 9th grade. They should be taught that ideally (and according to Christian teaching), sex, marriage, and having children all go together as a package deal. I think teenagers know whether they should be married or not by the time they finish high school. Having “marriage education” included in the curriculum would help them plan accordingly. It is best if this is taught and demonstrated at home, but “marriage education” would cover those young people who don’t have that.
Lexet: I’m surprised by how many guys I know who were raised in church yet are unaware that there are passages on a wife’s role and what to look for.
JPF: I much prefer the suggestions about to start “marriage training” when the people are young. I would suggest at puberty.
The idea of a one-year training program, after the couple has already agreed to marry, is incredibly foolish. If they can wait an entire year without having sex, then why are they getting married to each other? 1 Cor 7.
And if they can’t wait…. then why is the “church” putting them in such a situation of strong temptation? So this is foolish on two counts.
Even a program of “only” 3 months is stupid.
My wife and I married within a few months of meeting. Any church program would therefore have been a no-go, unless it was only a few sessions.
But, we both had a solid understanding of, and more importantly an acceptance of, what the Bible says about marriage. There were a few surprises for her, but she accepted instead of arguing or trying to “assert her rights”.
And for the selfish women reading: I give far more to her than she gives to me. Not because she is lazy; she is not. This is just the nature of marriage… and similarly the nature of the relationship between God and men.
I know I’m not the first to say this, but I think all “church” marriage programs, and marriage books, should be thrown out and burned. Instead, read what the Bible commands about marriage. Then read what the Bible shows about marriage (e.g. Song of Songs, how Eve helped Satan to tempt Adam, even polygamy and what the typical results were).
Any man-made advice should be treated as third-rate advice, after both of the above. And should be allocated a minority of time in the course accordingly. Yes, this does mean the religious professional could not justify his paid salary with some 3 month-long course.
I see the need to put together a basic curriculum to offer to adolescents in order to educate them about what marriage is all about
Biblical topics would include these.
Marriage is described as…
- Instituted by God – Genesis 2:18-24
- Honorable Among All – Hebrews 13:4
- Permanent Bond – Matthew 19:6
- Intimate Bond – Matthew 19:5
- Blessed of God for having children – Genesis 1:27-28
- Dissolved by death – Romans 7:2-3
- Means of sexual love (eros) – Proverbs 5:15-19; Song of Solomon;
- Centered in love and obedience – Ephesians 5:21-33
- Worthy of Jesus’ presence – John 2:1-11
Marriage is figurative of…
- God’s union with Israel – Isaiah 54:5
- Christ’s union with His church – Ephesians 5:23-32
- The kingdom of heaven – Revelation 19:7-9
The purposes of marriage…
- Man’s happiness – Genesis 2:18
- Continuance of the race – Genesis 1:28
- Godly offspring – Malachi 2:14-15
- Prevention of fornication – 1st Corinthians 7:2-9
- Complete satisfaction – Proverbs 5:19; 1st Timothy 5:14
Principles for marriage…
- 1st Corinthians 7
- Ephesians 5:22-33
Arrangements for marriage (Ancient Hebrew culture)…
- Arranged by parents – Genesis 21:21
- Consenting parties – Genesis 24:8
- Parental concern – Genesis 26:34-35
- Romance – Genesis 29:10-11
- Commitment is binding – Genesis 24:58-60; Matthew 5:31-33
- Unfaithfulness brings God’s judgment – Hebrews 13:4
Ceremonies for marriage (Ancient Hebrew culture)…
- A time of joy – Jeremiah 7:34
- The bride is richly attired – Psalms 45:13-15
- The bride is veiled – Genesis 24:65
- The bridegroom is decked – Isaiah 61:10
- The wedding feast is in the bridegroom’s* house – Matthew 22:1-10
- Distinctive clothing of guests – Matthew 22:11-12
- Christ attends – John 2:1-11
- Festivities surrounding marriage – John 2:8-10
- Gifts bestowed on the couple – Psalms 45:12
- Parental blessings – Genesis 24:60
- Change of name – Psalms 45:10-16
- Consummation of marriage – Genesis 29:33
- Proof of virginity – Deuteronomy 22:13-21
Prohibitions concerning marriage…
- Near of kin – Leviticus 18:6-18
- Fornication excludes remarriage – Matthew 5:32
- Polyandry forbidden – Leviticus 18:18
- Idol worshippers – Exodus 34:16; Ezra 9-10
Denial of Sex/Marriage…
- As a prophetic sign – Jeremiah 16:2
- For a specific purpose – Matthew 19:10-12
- As a sign of apostasy – 1st Timothy 4:1-3
- To those in heaven – Matthew 22:30
In addition to the Biblical proscriptions of marriage, many Red Pill tenets of the Socio-Sexual/Marriage Marketplace are very insightful and would prove to offer a rubber-meets-the-road type of map to marriage. Revealing topics to be covered could include the following.
- Human Nature – procreation is natural and normal
- How men and women are different
- Social Mechanics – how to meet suitable potential partners
- Sexual Dynamics – how to recognize the power and influence of the libido and how to take responsibility for it
- The Feminine Dilemma
- Male hypogamy and female hypergamy
- What do men find attractive when looking for a mate? (youth, virginity, fertility, WHR < 0.7, long hair, submissive, respectful, spiritually obedient)
- What do women find attractive in a man? (LAMPS, charisma, confidence, leadership)
- What is game and how does it work?
- What is reasonable to expect of marriage?
- What are the typical duties of husband and wife? (commitment, trust, faithfulness, sexual continuity)
- Why wait to have sex until marriage? (Sanctification and pair bonding)
- How to preserve one’s potential for emotional bonding in marriage.
- How to obtain greater contentment within marriage.
Readers are welcome to make suggestions for additional topics.
- Σ Frame: 13 Disciplines in Dealing with Delectable Daughters (2018-01-29)
- Σ Frame: Teaching our daughters well is the early foundation of successful wife moulding (2020-2-14)
- Σ Frame: Fighting Fires (2020-3-20)
- Σ Frame (Scott): Life education beats the smarm (2020-5-6)
- Dark Brightness: Towards a reformation of education (2020-5-22)