The need for Marriage Education

Education is important for building strong marriages.  But what should be taught, and how?

Readership: Christians; Educators; Those supporting the institution of marriage;

Introduction

Under a previous post, I posed the question.

“…from a broader viewpoint, I expect the Christian manosphere will eventually narrow down to this question: What is actually required to make male-female relations (i.e. marriage) “work”?”

Scott’s post about the Meet Cute phenomenon, Probabilities (2020-2-24), elucidated the value and importance of the woman’s level of enthusiasm towards the male from the onset of the relationship.  But in the discussion since then, we found that even this is not enough.  Readers have offered many supplementary solutions, but Scott and Sharkly pointed out that the problem is primarily a messaging issue.  What message are young people getting about what is expected of young men and women?

“Currently, men are held to the same, if not higher standards in marriage than ever before. They must be honest, hardworking providers. They must be gracious and kind when that is what is called for. They must strong and aloof when that what is needed. They must instinctively know the difference and seemlessly transition from “beta” to “alpha” behaviors with utter perfection. They must be accountable, head over heels in love with their wives, drooling over her and praising everything she does, everything she wears, etc. They must do this in front of all her friends, until she doesn’t like it. Then, change. They must change diapers and do laundry, and look totally hot doing those house chores. They must curb their violent tendencies, until those violent tendencies are required by some woman nearby. They must wear stupid t-shirts about shotguns and dating their daughters, or dress like a fairy and put on makeup for Halloween. They must mentor the women they work with, unless “mentoring” comes across as creepy to that women, in which case they are sued for harassment. They must take risks, but not too much risk. They must not ask any questions of the woman they are dating related to her current situation. This makes you judgmental.

That is the message men receive. All day, every day, from every corner of life.

Women, in contrast get: Show up, you are awesome exactly like you are. There is no need to challenge yourself to do better. No need to be introspective about what a woman naturally brings to the table, or what drawbacks her feminine nature contains. You go grrrrrl. Any man is lucky for you to look in his direction.

Multiply that by 3 or 4 generations, and here we are.”

If she has had any feminist indoctrination at all, then this may eventually bear the fruit of indignation and divorce.

asian wedding bride and maids

Is education (part of) the answer?

In the comments under a follow-up post, Sexual Consent in Marriage (2020-3-9), a tangential discussion brought up the need for young people to be properly educated about marriage in order to avail of the most optimal outcome.

Quoted texts have been adapted below in an easy-to-read format.

Lexet: I know of churches that require nearly an entire year of counseling before marriage. Having been through numerous premarital counseling books and programs, my suggestion is that singles looking to marry should read them before they are in a relationship. After you become engaged, it’s too late to really look inside of the relationship. Most people will try to irrationally overcome differences rather than honestly evaluate them, because they have already spent a lot of money on the relationship, the ring, and the future wedding.

Jack: Even one year of counseling is not sufficient. Young people should begin “marriage education” in conjunction with “sex education” in the 9th grade. They should be taught that ideally (and according to Christian teaching), sex, marriage, and having children all go together as a package deal. I think teenagers know whether they should be married or not by the time they finish high school. Having “marriage education” included in the curriculum would help them plan accordingly. It is best if this is taught and demonstrated at home, but “marriage education” would cover those young people who don’t have that.

Lexet: I’m surprised by how many guys I know who were raised in church yet are unaware that there are passages on a wife’s role and what to look for.

JPF: I much prefer the suggestions about to start “marriage training” when the people are young. I would suggest at puberty.

The idea of a one-year training program, after the couple has already agreed to marry, is incredibly foolish. If they can wait an entire year without having sex, then why are they getting married to each other? 1 Cor 7.
And if they can’t wait…. then why is the “church” putting them in such a situation of strong temptation? So this is foolish on two counts.
Even a program of “only” 3 months is stupid.

My wife and I married within a few months of meeting. Any church program would therefore have been a no-go, unless it was only a few sessions.
But, we both had a solid understanding of, and more importantly an acceptance of, what the Bible says about marriage. There were a few surprises for her, but she accepted instead of arguing or trying to “assert her rights”.
And for the selfish women reading: I give far more to her than she gives to me. Not because she is lazy; she is not. This is just the nature of marriage… and similarly the nature of the relationship between God and men.

I know I’m not the first to say this, but I think all “church” marriage programs, and marriage books, should be thrown out and burned. Instead, read what the Bible commands about marriage. Then read what the Bible shows about marriage (e.g. Song of Songs, how Eve helped Satan to tempt Adam, even polygamy and what the typical results were).

Any man-made advice should be treated as third-rate advice, after both of the above. And should be allocated a minority of time in the course accordingly. Yes, this does mean the religious professional could not justify his paid salary with some 3 month-long course.

Conclusions

I see the need to put together a basic curriculum to offer to adolescents in order to educate them about what marriage is all about

Biblical topics would include these.

Marriage is described as…

  • Instituted by God – Genesis 2:18-24
  • Honorable Among All – Hebrews 13:4
  • Permanent Bond – Matthew 19:6
  • Intimate Bond – Matthew 19:5
  • Blessed of God for having children – Genesis 1:27-28
  • Dissolved by death – Romans 7:2-3
  • Means of sexual love (eros) – Proverbs 5:15-19; Song of Solomon;
  • Centered in love and obedience – Ephesians 5:21-33
  • Worthy of Jesus’ presence – John 2:1-11

Marriage is figurative of…

  • God’s union with Israel – Isaiah 54:5
  • Christ’s union with His church – Ephesians 5:23-32
  • The kingdom of heaven – Revelation 19:7-9

The purposes of marriage…

  • Man’s happiness – Genesis 2:18
  • Continuance of the race – Genesis 1:28
  • Godly offspring – Malachi 2:14-15
  • Prevention of fornication – 1st Corinthians 7:2-9
  • Complete satisfaction – Proverbs 5:19; 1st Timothy 5:14

Principles for marriage…

Arrangements for marriage (Ancient Hebrew culture)…

  • Arranged by parents – Genesis 21:21
  • Consenting parties – Genesis 24:8
  • Parental concern – Genesis 26:34-35
  • Romance – Genesis 29:10-11
  • Commitment is binding – Genesis 24:58-60; Matthew 5:31-33
  • Unfaithfulness brings God’s judgment – Hebrews 13:4

Ceremonies for marriage (Ancient Hebrew culture)…

  • A time of joy – Jeremiah 7:34
  • The bride is richly attired – Psalms 45:13-15
  • The bride is veiled – Genesis 24:65
  • The bridegroom is decked – Isaiah 61:10
  • The wedding feast is in the bridegroom’s* house – Matthew 22:1-10
  • Distinctive clothing of guests – Matthew 22:11-12
  • Christ attends – John 2:1-11
  • Festivities surrounding marriage – John 2:8-10
  • Gifts bestowed on the couple – Psalms 45:12
  • Parental blessings – Genesis 24:60
  • Change of name – Psalms 45:10-16
  • Consummation of marriage – Genesis 29:33
  • Proof of virginity – Deuteronomy 22:13-21

Prohibitions concerning marriage…

  • Near of kin – Leviticus 18:6-18
  • Fornication excludes remarriage – Matthew 5:32
  • Polyandry forbidden – Leviticus 18:18
  • Idol worshippers – Exodus 34:16; Ezra 9-10

Denial of Sex/Marriage…

  • As a prophetic sign – Jeremiah 16:2
  • For a specific purpose – Matthew 19:10-12
  • As a sign of apostasy – 1st Timothy 4:1-3
  • To those in heaven – Matthew 22:30

In addition to the Biblical proscriptions of marriage, many Red Pill tenets of the Socio-Sexual/Marriage Marketplace are very insightful and would prove to offer a rubber-meets-the-road type of map to marriage.  Revealing topics to be covered could include the following.

  • Human Nature – procreation is natural and normal
  • How men and women are different
  • Social Mechanics – how to meet suitable potential partners
  • Sexual Dynamics – how to recognize the power and influence of the libido and how to take responsibility for it
  • The Feminine Dilemma
  • Male hypogamy and female hypergamy
  • What do men find attractive when looking for a mate? (youth, virginity, fertility, WHR < 0.7, long hair, submissive, respectful, spiritually obedient)
  • What do women find attractive in a man? (LAMPS, charisma, confidence, leadership)
  • What is game and how does it work?
  • What is reasonable to expect of marriage?
  • What are the typical duties of husband and wife? (commitment, trust, faithfulness, sexual continuity)
  • Why wait to have sex until marriage? (Sanctification and pair bonding)
  • How to preserve one’s potential for emotional bonding in marriage.
  • How to obtain greater contentment within marriage.

Readers are welcome to make suggestions for additional topics.

Related

About Jack

Jack is a world traveling artist, skilled in trading ideas and information, none of which are considered too holy, too nerdy, nor too profane to hijack and twist into useful fashion. Sigma Frame Mindsets and methods for building and maintaining a masculine Frame
This entry was posted in Building Wealth, Choosing a Partner or Spouse, Discipline, Education, Faith Community, Influence, Leadership, Maturity, Personal Growth and Development, Purpose, Relationships, Sanctification & Defilement, Stewardship, Strategy, Vetting Women and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

9 Responses to The need for Marriage Education

  1. Pingback: Everything always goes back to the family | Christianity and masculinity

  2. feeriker says:

    I know I’m not the first to say this, but I think all “church” marriage programs, and marriage books, should be thrown out and burned. Instead, read what the Bible commands about marriage.

    This, to the power of one million.

    Much of the rot within the modern church is directly attributable to the use of New Age, Churchian Oprah Book of the Month Club drivel in place of the Scriptures (how many of my fellow Protestants here have never attended a church whose “Bible Studies” consists of group readings of this trash en lieu of readings from the Bible?).

    This is especially true of “marriage training.” Too many churches use toxic FotF slop in place of Scripture. Not only should all of that tripe be burned in a white phosphorus fire, but so should the publication center that produces it, along with all of the authors.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Lexet Blog says:

      Disagree on one point. Many pre marital counseling programs introduce people to the types of conflicts they can expect. That is invaluable for many today, who either grew up in a single parent home, or had parents who hid arguments from them.

      I have found several divorce counseling books to be incredibly valuable as well, as they provide a list of the warning signs of something gone wrong. (And consider this an addendum to my quoted statement).

      Like

      • Jack says:

        @ Lexet,
        There are many context specific situations that are not covered in detail in the Bible. I do think young people need instruction about these things – things like communication techniques, conflict resolution, “wife management”, “husband maintenance”, disciplining children, etc. But these things are caught, not taught, so books on these subjects pose severe limitations and risks of misinterpretation. This is why the Bible instructs older people to guide younger people.

        Liked by 2 people

      • Jack says:

        A very wise older person might be able to suggest a book that addresses a specific hang-up they see in a younger couple. But the older person still needs to make sure the younger couple understands it correctly and monitor how the information is applied.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Ed Hurst says:

    I’ll go with that, feeriker, but we still have the problem of people reading their biases back into Scripture and asserting that their biased viewpoint IS Scripture. But rather than pushing mine or anyone else’s orthodoxy, I contend that the main problem is having an expectation of orthodoxy in the first place. That’s how we get all that dreck you mention.

    Jack’s post above is a good first step at pulling together some of the issues and answers, and I’m with him as far as that goes. It echoes things I’ve published in books and on my blog. About the only way to do any good with it is to develop a parallel society, a clannish separate community where boys and girls grow up in the midst of expectations that must be caught, not taught. The degree of insulation away from the mainstream is something I doubt any of us can answer for others, but having some is obviously necessary.

    This is what I see as a very fundamental failure of most churches.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. JPF says:

    Red pill … What do men find attractive when looking for a mate? (youth, virginity, fertility, WHR [less than] 0.7, long hair, submissive, respectful, spiritually obedient)

    Actually, all of this point could be put in Biblical proscriptions, as all sub-points are supported by Scripture.
    youth – Provebs 5:18-19 – Unless you think a young man is likely to marry an older woman
    virginity – Deuteronomy 22:13-21
    fertility – various verses such as children are a blessing
    WHR less than 0.7 – self control is required in Titus 2:3-5. You can’t get fat unless you are lazy and/or lacking self-control about what and how much you eat
    long hair – 1 Corinthians 11:14-15. Any “Christian” woman who cuts her hair (maybe above her waist?) should be viewed as ignorant of the Scriptures or deliberately disrespectful to her (potential) husband
    submissive – Ephesians 5:22-24, Titus 2:3-5, Colossians 3:18-19
    respectful – Ephesians 5:33
    spiritually obedient – Ephesians 5:25-28

    And one major point that should be added to your list: No man is required to marry; in fact, the man who does not marry any woman does BETTER than the man who succumbs and marries. This is clearly and repeatedly taught in Matthew 19:10-12 and 1 Corinthians 7. And yes, one time 1 Corinthians 7 says the same for a widow not marrying.
    This point will have at least four positive effects (beyond the standard benefit of conforming to the nature of God, as described in Romans 12:1-2).
    – help the women to have a better idea of their worth. No, they not the pinnacle of creation, and no a man’s life is not severely lacking without a woman in his life. A man is better off without her, if he is able to accept this — this is not hyperbole, it is the exact message from Scripture.
    – help the women to understand that no man has any duty to marry her. She is not owed a husband.
    – help the men to resist the Satanic influence of the religious leaders and others who push them to marry or, specifically, to marry the harlots from the congregation or the lazy/immoral/selfish women from the congregation.
    – help the men to understand that they obviously have value, beyond whatever utility they are providing to the women around them – 1 Corinthians 7:32-33

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Sharkly says:

    My friend, feeriker, has just started his own blog. He is apparently too humble to be out pimping his site, so I’ll pimp for him here. Go over and “follow” feerikers site, so that you’ll be notified when he posts.
    https://nuncamedesesperare.wordpress.com/
    I’m expecting some good anti-Feminist stuff from our bold brother, feeriker!

    Like

  6. Pingback: The Elimination of the Church | Σ Frame

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