Sexual Consent in Marriage

The current concept of “consent” is bass ackward.  A Christian wife needs her husband’s consent to either refuse sex or “let herself go”.

Readership: Christians; Married couples;

Author’s note: I doubt many women will read the good advice offered below, much less follow it, but it’s still valuable in helping men find the words to implement their demands.

Guide to interpreting the illustrations: The horse represents male desire.  The cart represents marriage.

The Popularity of Scriptural Errancy

Under the post, Opportunities (2020-2-26), Sharkly pointed out that under the new paradigm, the thing that determines whether any particular sexual transaction is socially acceptable is the necessity of a woman’s “consent” to the act.  For those of us who have followed Dalrock, it should be apparent that this feminist argument for “consent” is nothing more than an inversion of gender roles — another reiteration of Chivalry.

In a previous post, No Authority to give “Consent” (2020-3-6), I pointed out the errancy of the feminist argument for “consent”.  Women don’t have the moral authority to give consent to illicit sex.

But it doesn’t stop there.  The errancy of the “consent” arguments have even leeched into converged church teachings on marriage.  Oscar pointed out an example of this error under Dalrock’s post, Fifty shades of Lancelot. (2019 January 4),

“Consider the fact that a woman has every right to expect that her husband will earn access to the marriage bed…” ~ Mohler

Note that Mohler considers this a fact.  It’s not Mohler’s opinion; it’s a fact.  But Apostle Paul wrote otherwise.

3 Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband.  4 The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does.  And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.  5 Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” ~ 1st Corinthians 7:3-5 (NKJV)

Oscar couldn’t have made it any clearer.  The Bible says a married couple should give mutual consent to NOT have sex with each other!  But instead, the heretical choich has joined hands with the secular norms of the culture, by requiring men to obtain the wife’s consent to have sex.

It seems like, whatever the Bible tells us to do, the powers that be will reverse-engineer that, and make up some humanitarian reason for doing so.  See Figure 1: Putting the cart before the horse.

Evidently, churchianity is no different from the wider culture, as they both have it all balls awkward.

Ahhh…  Churchianity at its best!

cart before horse

Error 1: Putting the cart before the horse.

The Cursed Fruits of Disobedience

The underlying message to husbands and wives contained in the last part of verse 5 of the scriptural passage above is that if either one refuses to have sex with their spouse, they are inadvertently subjecting the other to temptation.

All too frequently, it is the woman who is denying her husband, so we’ll focus on this case for the remainder of the discussion.

Several commenters (Bruce, Deti, JFP, Sharkly) have pointed out that young men get married for sex (and having children).  This is an undeniable fact.  It may not be polite or acceptable, it may not be the right motivation to marry, but this is the reality.

Consequently, the quality and quantity of sex becomes the critical, make-it-or-break-it constituent element of the marriage.  It is easy to see how a man who willingly signed up for marriage (with this purpose in mind) would be willing to tolerate a super-voluminous quantity of trouble and expense in a marriage, as long as his need for sex is being fulfilled.  But if the sex is not spontaneously forthcoming, then this leads the man to question his whole purpose for marrying, as well as the value of the marriage.

If the dry spell continues indefinitely, the sexual tension and the urgency for a release continues to build in the man.  The lack of sex alienates him from his wife, while his building sexual desire causes other women in his vicinity to look more appealing.  In sum, his threshold of temptation is reduced.  This condition essentially puts the husband between a stony heart (1) and a hard on (2), as described here.

  1. If he can manage to resist temptation, he still has to exert excessive willpower to combat temptation outside the home, while living with the intense frustration of living and sleeping in the same bed with a woman who promised to love him, but then who denies him sexual access.  This situation invariably subjects the husband to a great deal of frustration, anger and bitterness, possibly leading to excessive violence, substance dependency, clinical depression, or desertion.  See Figure 2: Pulling the horse in the cart.
  2. If he succumbs to the temptation to have extramarital sex, then the husband is desperately attempting to put the cart behind the horse, but within the wrong context.  As a result, his marriage will be damaged.  To make things worse, his failures will be aggrandized by the heartless wife, and subsequently capitalized upon in the divorce proceedings.  See Figure 3: Spilling the load.

To take this a step further, whenever wives become lazy and “let themselves go” (i.e. cut their hair “because it’s too much work to maintain”, gain weight “because I feel hangry”, wear cotton “because it’s more comfy”, etc.) to the point where they are no longer sexually desirable to their husbands, they are also subjecting their husband to just as much temptation and angst as if they outrightly denied him sex.  This is especially true if they married too late in her life for him to have obtained a strong pair of Wife Goggles™.

Awesome-Photos-From-Russia-With-Love-Horse-and-Cart1

Error 2: Pulling the horse in the cart.

The Blessed Fruits of Obedience

Most men are willing to extend their good will to a faithful wife who is not up for sex every day.  But wives have used the euphemism, “Sorry, I have a headache…” to mean “I’m not in the right mood tonight…”, so many times, that this cliché has become the butt of stand-up comedy.  This is simpy not Biblical.  A wife who is uninterested in sex, but who still wishes to be obedient to the scriptures should instead be offering her husband a statement like,

“Please have mercy on me, I beg of you.  Allow me to rest this one evening.  I shall fulfill your desire at the break of dawn on the morrow.  But if you shall require it as my husband and master, I shall perform my utmost at your bidding, and I shall be ravished from head to toe as you please, until you are utterly (and literally) drenched with the satisfaction of my love.  Whatever you may decide, just knowing that you desire me, even when I am weak, weary, and in need of bathing, then shall my heart be filled with the pangs of having been unconditionally loved!”

In spite of the immense pressure to relieve his reproductive burden, I can’t imagine that any man who truly loves his wife would press forward with his demand for sex after hearing a soliloquy like this one.

(Rebellious) women will naturally scoff at this, but what women don’t understand is that this kind of talk just does something magical to the soul of a man.  It honors him.  It recognizes his God-ordained authority as her husband.  It gives him the respect that he needs.  It humbles him, inspires him, and beckons forth his best.

If a wife ever got into the habit of talking like this with sincerity, she would be amazed at how suddenly her husband would “man up” and become attentive to her needs, and how quickly her marriage and sex life would improve.

The lesson for ladies to glean here is that if you go about doing things with respect to God’s created order, then there’s a very high chance that you’ll get what you wanteven if what you want is less sex!

But unfortunately, most wimmin are not humble enough to be obedient enough to improve their marriage life enough to make it divorce-proof enough.

overloaded cart

Error 3: Spilling the load.

The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does

The scripture passage above says that the (Christian) husband has authority over his (Christian) wife’s body, and vice versa.

If we take the liberty to extrapolate this text onto real world situations in which the husband exercises authority over his wife’s body, the eisegetical application could be interpreted to mean the following.

  • If a husband wants his wife to adopt the habit of wearing a dress on a regular basis, then she should be asking him for details about the style and color of the dresses he prefers, and how much she is allowed to spend on some new dresses.
  • If a husband wants his wife to wear a head covering to church, then she should experiment with headscarves of different sizes, shapes, textures, and colors to see what is most suitable for her head and her style.
  • If a husband wants his wife to have long hair, then she should let it grow until he asks her to cut it.
  • If a husband wants his wife to lose weight, then she should go on an Adkins diet until he tells her to stop.
  • If the husband expresses the need for a quickie, then she needs to finish him off within the next ten minutes.
  • If a husband says he doesn’t want his wife to take birth control pills, then she should put this option completely out of her mind.
  • If a husband doesn’t want his wife to use any kind of birth control, then she should confirm his intentions to have a child, and should prepare herself for the possibility of becoming pregnant (e.g. stop smoking, drinking, and taking other prescription drugs which might harm a fetus.)

We could gladly go on with many other examples of submission which would surely raise strong objections from Strong Independent Wimmin™.  Readers are welcome to add to this list below.

Conclusions

According to 1st Corinthians 7:3-5, sex within marriage is a duty.  If you’re married, but you’re not shinnying up the goods on a regular basis, you’re being disobedient to the Word.  It stands to reason that sex is a duty to the married because God hates divorce.  (Malachi 2:16)

We could think of the marital duty of sex like it’s a full time “job”.  Just like any other job, if you give a lousy performance, or fail to show up to work too many times, then you shouldn’t be surprised if you are discharged from your position.

Any woman who is truly not aware of these things is indeed a foolish woman who tears down her house.  (Proverbs 14:1)  But believe it or not, there are many wives, even Christian wives, who withhold sex for the express purpose of utilizing the dynamics described above, namely, to either force their husbands to compromise or submit, or to intentionally destroy their marriages for selfish gain.

Related

About Jack

Jack is a world traveling artist, skilled in trading ideas and information, none of which are considered too holy, too nerdy, nor too profane to hijack and twist into useful fashion. Sigma Frame Mindsets and methods for building and maintaining a masculine Frame
This entry was posted in Choosing a Partner or Spouse, Churchianity, Consent, Courtship and Marriage, Discernment, Wisdom, Divorce, Female Power, Influence, Maturity, Personal Growth and Development, Models of Failure, Models of Success, Organization and Structure, Relationships, Stewardship, The Power of God and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

19 Responses to Sexual Consent in Marriage

  1. Sharkly says:

    Several commenters (Bruce, Deti, JFP, Sharkly) have pointed out that young men get married for sex (and having children). This is an undeniable fact. It may not be polite or acceptable, it may not be the right motivation to marry, but this is the reality.

    1 Corinthians 7:2 Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. …
    8 I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, it is good for them if they abide even as I.
    9 But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn.

    I think that the only reason to get married, given in the New Testament, is to avoid falling into sexual sins. I had a false pastor disagree and claim that imaging Christ and the church and being part of a Great Mystery was a purpose given in Ephesians 5, but those things are not commands, they are just part of what God designed marriage to accomplish, not reasons to marry. In most of the rest of 1 Corinthians 7 the apostle Paul is actually discouraging marriage unless there is a need. Those who can be celibate without burning with lust, should certainly stay celibate, to focus on pleasing God. Marriage is a covenant or betrothal,(an agreement to be married) followed by sexual union, during which God joins the two into one flesh. Without the sexual union, living with a woman would not appeal to me over living singly or having a male roommate.

    Like

    • Jack says:

      @ Sharkly,
      That pastor is only partly right. He is describing how a marriage glorifies God. This is a very important aspect of marriage (which usually takes years to develop), but as you (and St. Paul) said, it’s not enough to warrant a marriage.

      “…young men get married for sex (and having children). This is an undeniable fact. […] it may not be the right motivation to marry…”

      I need to clarify what I mean by “the right motivation”. A little story should make it clear.
      My pastor requires young engaged couples to go through at least three sessions of pre-marital counseling before he will agree to officiate their wedding. On a couple occasions, he’s expressed his disappointment with most of the couples, because when he asks them, “Why do you want to get married?”, they laugh and say, “So that we can have sex!”
      He’s disappointed because their motivations are very naive and self-centered, and he can tell that they are not approaching marriage with the degree of seriousness that is required of them in marriage.
      Now compare their attitudes to 1st Corinthians 7:9, which says, “…if they cannot contain [their sexual desires], let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn.”
      Someone who is saying they want to get married so that they can have sex, and who is laughing about it, is NOT someone who is continually tormented by temptation and is burning their lives down with desire. This is NOT someone who is unable to control themselves enough to keep themselves from humping up every fat, 50-year-old leg that walks past. Genuinely uncontrollable desire is shameful and embarrassing – not something to laugh about.
      My pastor is much more enthusiastic to marry couples who are somberly facing the reality that marriage is the best way to take responsibility for their uncontrollable sex drive, and he is ecstatic if they’re well paired.
      Because of his testimony and his experience in this area, I’m going to trust that my pastor can see what a good motivation to marry looks like. Most people are so busy shinnying around with porn, ONS’s, etc., that they never come to realize the uncontrollability of their sex drive and their need for marriage.
      For more on this last point, see here.
      https://sigmaframe.wordpress.com/2019/06/07/the-parable-of-the-pressure-cooker/

      Liked by 1 person

      • Lexet Blog says:

        Tangential comment.

        I know of churches that require nearly an entire year of counseling before marriage. Having been through numerous premarital counseling books and programs, my suggestion is that singles looking to marry should read them before they are in a relationship. After you become engaged, it’s too late to really look inside of the relationship. Most people will try to irrationally overcome differences rather than honestly evaluate them, because they have already spent a lot of money on the relationship, the ring, and the future wedding.

        Liked by 3 people

      • Jack says:

        @ Lexet,
        Even one year of counseling is not sufficient. Young people should begin “marriage education” in conjunction with “sex education” in the 9th grade. They should be taught that ideally (and according to Christian teaching), sex, marriage, and having children all go together as a package deal. I think teenagers know whether they should be married or not by the time they finish high school. Having “marriage education” included in the curriculum would help them plan accordingly. It is best if this is taught and demonstrated at home, but “marriage education” would cover those young people who don’t have that.

        Liked by 2 people

      • Lexet Blog says:

        I’m surprised by how many guys I know who were raised in church yet are unaware that there are passages on a wife’s role and what to look for.

        Liked by 4 people

      • JPF says:

        I much prefer the suggestions about to start “marriage training” when the people are young. I would suggest at puberty.

        The idea of a one year training program, after the couple has already agreed to marry, is incredibly foolish. If they can wait an entire year without having sex, then why are they getting married to each other? 1 Cor 7.
        And if they can’t wait…. then why is the “church” putting them in such a situation of strong temptation? So this is foolish on two counts.
        Even a program of “only” 3 months is stupid.

        My wife and I married within a few months of meeting. Any church program would therefore have been a no-go, unless it was only a few sessions.
        But, we both had a solid understanding of, and more importantly an acceptance of, what the Bible says about marriage. There were a few surprises for her, but she accepted instead of arguing or trying to “assert her rights”.
        And for the selfish women reading: I give far more to her than she gives to me. Not because she is lazy; she is not. This is just the nature of marriage… and similarly the nature of the relationship between God and men.

        I know I’m not the first to say this, but I think all “church” marriage programs, and marriage books, should be thrown out and burned. Instead, read what the Bible commands about marriage. Then read what the Bible shows about marriage (e.g. Song of Songs, how Eve helped Satan to tempt Adam, even polygamy and what the typical results were).
        Any man-made advice should be treated as third-rate advice, after both of the above. And should be allocated a minority of time in the course accordingly. Yes, this does mean the religious professional could not justify his paid salary with some 3 month-long course.

        Liked by 3 people

      • Bruce Batsche says:

        Well current conditions incentivize men seeking a good marriage (good by male standards anyway) to fornicate. As Scott said (more or less) somewhere, the best way to ensure marriage to a woman who wants you forever is to choose one who wants to fornicate with you a lot over an extended “courtship” (my interpretation of what he said). Hard for a woman to fake genuine desire for an extended period of time. So a Christian is incentivized to sin to get a good marriage – twisted really.

        Liked by 2 people

      • Jack says:

        @ Bruce,
        Yes, it is twisted, and we’re starting to see why a good marriage is so elusive and difficult to obtain. I disagree that this is an incentive to sin, but it does pose a huge temptation to sin, especially to someone who doesn’t know exactly how to make it come out well.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. larryzb says:

    Gatekeeping wives do much harm to their marriage bond. It really strikes me as odd that so few wives really understand that men need frequent sex. But, the churches share some blame here as they do not condemn the sin of sexual refusal in marriage. Much work needs to be done here.

    Liked by 3 people

    • I saw a piece a few months ago (secular site: forget which) about how un-“puritanical” the Puritans were, and listed among other things a man who was excommunicated for denying sex to his wife. Of course they didn’t list how many women were punished for denying marital due to their husbands, but the concept was there.

      Liked by 1 person

      • larryzb says:

        Yes, the “Puritans” were not prudes but supposedly were “pure” in their doctrines, or their interpretations of Scripture (sorry to go off topic).

        Like

  3. ramman3000 says:

    “The current concept of “consent” is bass ackward.”

    The current concept of ‘consent’ is not backwards, it is godless. Such consent derives from moral utilitarianism. The underlying concept is that the subjective personal defines morality. Utilitarianism is an implicitly anti-Christian moral stance. Any Christian notion of ‘consent’ is derived from completely different moral and ethical principles. Christian moral ethics and God’s goodness are both mutually exclusive with moral utilitarianism.

    You can see this in action in areas outside feminism. For example, I recently had a discussion with someone on Twitter who defended murder on the basis of ‘informed consent’ (see here).

    Liked by 1 person

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  5. Sharkly says:

    “Consider the fact that a woman has every right to expect that her husband will earn access to the marriage bed…” ~ Mohler

    The fact is that sex in exchange for earnings is prostitution, not a holy union. Furthermore that swaps the wife into the leadership role, determining the role the husband must serve and judging the performance of the husband, or else all sex can be denied. First you have to hearken unto the voice of the woman before you can give up God’s intent for your life, to obey your wife instead. That Mohler is a snake.

    Women don’t have the moral authority to give consent to illicit sex.
    Au contraire: When a woman consents to illicit sex it becomes divinely sanctified by the goddess herself. While if she does not consent to married sex, it then becomes rape. The churchians have effectively made every woman into a deity who can make any sex right or wrong simply by her capricious will. And if she later changes her mind again, her lover suddenly becomes a rapist in a tear-jerking story of her victimization at the hands of a typical evil male. /S

    Like

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