Trust is an indispensable part of forming and continuing a relationship. But the expression of trust undergoes a metamorphosis as the relationship matures.
A previous post, The Trust Factor (April 18, 2019), covered the definitions and differences between two kinds of trust, Head Trust and Heart Trust. Readers who are unfamiliar with this distinction may want to read this essay first before proceeding.
Disclaimer: The following essay focuses mostly on how a man can build up a woman’s Heart Trust in himself. But a woman should be focused on how she can be so loyal and emotionally stable that she could prove herself true to her man’s Head Trust in herself. Thus, whenever a man is vetting a woman for a LTR, not only should he pay attention to the extraction of her Heart Trust, but he should also consider how much Head Trust he can realistically place in her.
The Importance of Developing Trust
Chris Shepherd describes attraction in women as “The feeling of being desired by a powerful man she can trust”. He goes on to describe how that brand of Heart Trust can override a woman’s hypergamous inclinations to branch swing to a higher status man. Thus, Heart Trust inspires faithfulness in the carnal sense of the word.
Troy Francis wrote a noteworthy article on ROK, Why Is Day Game Such A Grind? (October 4, 2017). The answer to the titular question is that initiating an interaction with a random person puts one at a severe disadvantage in building trust. Thus, he uses over half the text detailing the importance of establishing a girl’s trust in him… as a PUA!
The reason day game can provide little tangible benefit for hours of work is simple: it all comes down to lack of trust. In fact, a lack of trust is built into the day game model itself. Put simply, day game requires you to walk up to a woman you have never met before, in a totally random context, talk to her for a few moments, and hope to seduce her as a result. When put like this, is it any wonder that social circle and even night game tend to produce faster and more prolific results? The act of cold approach in the day time is socially unusual and a big ask for girls to go along with.
Conditions for Trust
British journalist and author Ian Leslie… has written a number of books including Born Liars on the subject on lying in the ‘post-truth’ era. […] Leslie wanted to talk to us about what he termed the necessary ‘conditions for trust’. These could apply to advertising, but equally to friendship, business, diplomacy between nations, and everything else in between. The conditions he named are:
What does this mean when we think about it from an interpersonal perspective? Well, if you spend a lot of time with someone, if they are consistent with you in terms of their contact, and indeed, if seeing them becomes a ritual for you, then you are much more likely to feel truth in them, than if any one of these conditions doesn’t apply.
Perhaps unsurprisingly, this is also true when we apply it to intergender dynamics…
… the girls I got into bed were largely from social circle and night game. [They] trusted me more because I met the three necessary conditions. I had naturally spent more time with them than the girls from day game. I was consistent in seeing them (for example, a couple were girls from work who I saw every day). And there was ritual involved in our meeting—for example, one of the girls I would meet for secret cups of coffee in the canteen every day at 4pm.
Trust is Super Important
In game, we get so hung up on attraction, attraction, attraction, that we tend to forget about trust (or comfort). I’m not talking here about trust in a blue-pill, hands-around-the-world, kumbaya-type way, but on a very base level she’s got to trust that you are a normal guy who isn’t going to turn psycho on her, or stalk her, or whatever. And of course, that is far easier when you are someone she sees regularly.
This, as I’ve argued before, is the principal problem with day game — it’s often not grounded enough. It looks too player-ish and contrived. That’s why even when you get a phone number there’s a good chance it will flake [sic]. When she’s gone home and had time to think there’s every chance that she (or one of her friends) will revise her opinion on the value of meeting up with you.
As mentioned before, whenever confusion and suspicion are present, trust is unable to form. And there’s a good reason why a decent woman would be hesitant to trust a PUA.
So, a PUA learns that there is no way around laying the groundwork for trust before any semblance of a relationship can bloom. But Francis is only scratching the surface.
The Challenge of Building Heart Trust
Women face the dilemma of demanding Head Trust, or else seeking Heart Trust in their relationship with a man. Most women could swing either way, but her response strongly depends on the constitution and sophistication of the man she’s dealing with.
Men are taught, “a man’s word is his honor”, and they generally adhere to their natural bent towards logic and reason. But they make the mistake of allowing these hallmarks of masculinity to dictate their interactions with a woman. Women are naturally gifted at coopting these traits of man to their own purposes. Thus, men who naively believe that being honest, reasonable, and altruistic will increase their bonding with a woman are surprised when the woman hijacks the Head Trust, takes the driver’s seat in the relationship, and then fails to appreciate his “goodness”. Thus, if men do not become sufficiently self-aware of their own nature, they will continue on this path towards absconding their God given power and authority, thereby leading to the destruction of the union.
People tend to fly on autopilot, meaning that they stick with their habits and modes of thinking that they are most familiar with. People are no different when they enter into a new relationship. They may be flying high on endorphins for a few months, but when the thrill wears off and routine settles in, they will usually rebound to their old selves. However, if a man can avail of this temporary venture into the unknown during the initial phase of the relationship, and tap her open heart deep enough to establish strong bonding, he may induce sufficient changes to wean her off of the ghosts of her past. This is especially important in building the foundation of a LTR.
If she is the straight-laced, dutiful sort, then she will expect to continue under the same system. With this kind of woman, the man’s challenge is in encouraging her to loosen up, teaching her to have fun with him, and exploring the other side of life.
If she is a free-wheeling, fun loving person, then the boundaries may need to be lax. The boundaries may take the form of respect, mutuality of ego fulfillment, and being practical, responsible, and reliable.
The Slow Steady Drift into Head Trust Territory
When couples stay together for a long time, they become familiar with each other’s habits. They feel like they can predict the others behavior. They come to expect certain things. As a result, the Heart Trust loses intensity, and as a comfort zone relaxation sets in, they slowly resort to Head Trust.
Without the preoccupying stimulation of the Heart, females will ramp up the Head Games and S#!t tests, if only to create some entertaining drama for themselves.
So, given Leslie’s ternary recipe of Time, Consistency, and Ritual in establishing Trust, for a relationship to grow into a LTR, there are two different end games to consider.
- Maintaining and strengthening the Heart Trust, and deepening the relationship by including elements of Head Trust.
- Allowing Head Trust to augment naturally, while time, neglect, and attrition cause Heart Trust to slowly erode.
If you’re a man who coasts along on Head Trust, and defuses her Heart Trust, then your woman will feel unfulfilled and frustrated with the relationship. Depending on her temperance, and given enough time, she’ll eventually go branch swinging.
If you’re with a woman who insists on the Head Trust, and refuses Heart Trust, then you may feel comfortable for the time being, but the lack of emotional vitality may come back to haunt you in the form of restlessness, or regrets arising from the endless nagging. Extended over a longer time Frame, a lack of Heart Trust will harden one’s heart.
Your heart is a muscle. Use it, or lose it! No pain, no gain!
- Damon Ashworth Psychology: To Trust or Not to Trust (February 5, 2019)
- Σ Frame: 2 Frames of Reference for Identifying the Trust Factor (April 23, 2019)