This article reviews and discusses how males should be more proactive and inquisitive when dealing with females.
Targeted Readership: Hen-pecked (married) men
Gender Specific Propensity Towards Talking
There has been a lot of research and discussion on the question of which sex talks more. Back in the 1980’s an oft cited study showed that, on the average, men speak 7,000 words a day, while women speak 20,000. Since then, the debate on the subject has resurfaced, with liberal sources claiming that the earlier statistic was not well founded, and is therefore invalid.
Regardless of these studies, it seems intuitive knowledge that the natural default setting is for men to remain silent, while women talk incessantly. This goes back to the fundamental nature of the sexes. When women get into a bind, they impulsively call other women and ‘talk’, while men in a crisis tend to withdraw and contemplate. It is also easy to believe that women, who are more insecure, may use superfluous verbosity as a modicum to attract attention and affirmation.
In sum, women don’t need any instruction on how to talk, but only about how to talk properly. But boys and men need instruction and encouragement to speak out.
The Question Apology Game
In one of my favorite posts from Roosh, Don’t Let A Girl Assert Frame Over You (January 29, 2018), he examines a particular power play within relationships. He describes the dynamic like this.
“Within every interaction is a frame where one person does the evaluating and judging while the other does the satisfying. The person with the higher value will naturally fall into a frame of evaluation while the person with the lower value will fall into a frame of trying to prove or appease.”
He rightfully labels this as asserting Frame, but to put a finer point on this particular tactic, and to avoid confusion, I will call it the Question Apology Game (QAG).
Definition: The QAG is the use of astute questioning which steers the direction of the conversation, and establishes a hierarchy in which one person assumes the role of a Dominant Supervisor (DS), and another person assumes the role of a Submissive Paeon (SP).
In the QAG, the DS calls out a particular aspect of the SP’s work, behavior, decision, performance, etc., and reviews the value of the SP’s contribution. It is assumed within the nature of the interaction that the SP must give an account of what he/she is doing, and why. Motives and priorities are called into question, and reviewed under heavy scrutiny.
Through calm inquisition, a man can fashion the topics and questions in such a way as to control the dynamics of his conversations with others. This can take several forms, depending on the context.
- He can pose questions to divert the topic.
- He can inquire about the nature of unwanted behaviors, and ask for an adjustment.
- He can use questions to examine the value of her contributions, and ask for a realignment with their shared goals.
- He can offer questions as a form of interactional bidding, and ask for improvements in the way she treats him.
- He can use questions to place a speculum on her motives and character, thereby encouraging her to adopt an introspective stance and assume agency, rather than resorting to calumniation.
Doing the above will make the woman more self-conscious, and cause her to lose confidence. As a result, there is a power shift to the man. You can expect lots of resistance from her on this, but the benefits are astronomical.
Notes on playing the Question Apology Game
Roosh’s article describes different contexts and aspects of the QAG, and the main points are summarized in the following bullets, with my comments after.
- Many people are eager to prove themselves when asked a question, but in doing so they almost always accept the viewpoint of a SP answering to a DS.
- Men should not give serious answers to women’s inquiries, and offer jokes instead.
- When the man assumes the place of monitoring and critiquing the woman’s performance, this dynamic creates attraction, because it establishes the male as the dominant figure.
- “Why…?” questions are asked by superiors. “How…?” questions are asked by subordinates seeking instruction.
- Beware of people (i.e. women and co-workers) who ask small favors of you that escalate over time.
In doing so, they are attempting to inch their way closer to a position of dominance over you.
- Apologies and excuses should be used sparingly by men, as they are only appropriate for one in the place of a subordinate.
There are moments when a man can use apologies and excuses to soften a hard hearted woman. Discernment and wisdom are necessary to know when this is the case.
A woman who apologizes easily and frequently can be surprisingly easy to get along with, and if you’re in tune with her, charmingly easy to love as well. Ladies should take note of this skill and use it. Men, you may like to suggest or point out to your girl that her apology will smooth out your disagreements in a jiffy. But if she is the proud, contentious type who intentionally seeks argumentation, it may not be wise to clue her in on this.
- Justifying your actions will quickly cause you to lose Frame, and put you in the place of the subordinate. Of note, Alphas do not justify their actions.
- If a man lets a woman attain a position of dominance over him, she will slowly drain his power, and either use him for attention, or to establish firm control over his behavior.
In sum, he yields himself to do her bidding, which is an inversion of the God ordained hierarchy.
- Men who are frequently hen-pecked by their wives fail to utilize the QAG to their advantage.
After several years of marriage, harried husbands become emotionally fatigued to the point where they allow their volitional will to become exhausted, such that they regularly succumb to the Dominatrix Conversation from their wives.
Playing the Question Apology Game can enhance relationship contentment
In an earlier post, I studied the preferred conflict structure leading to marital satisfaction, in which the man is the person who brings up an issue and asks for a change, and the woman is required to respond somehow. Famed marriage researcher, John Gottman, proved that the vast majority of marriages are happier when the husband has the habit of initiating conflict, while the wife plays the role of the harmonizing respondent.
I tested this dynamic within the setting of my own marriage, and I had spectacular results which I covered in the post, Disciplined, Submissive, Happy Wives (February 15, 2018).
To correlate Roosh’s claims against Gottman’s work, we must presume that the dominant person is the initiator of conflict, and the submissive person is the respondent. Indeed, they are nearly identical roles, and this comparison gives us a bigger picture of the structure.
In this view, the QAG dovetails perfectly within this conflict structure, as it offers a reliable vehicle for a husband to assume a dominant role. Thus, if the man does the majority of the questioning and scrutinizing, a more positive and enjoyable relationship can be expected from both partners, over time.
Women find it easy to express their preferences and concerns, but men need to take a bit more effort to make their views and opinions more frequently known.
Getting hands-on instruction from other men who are more adept in managing women can speed up the learning curve.
A man can employ the Question Apology Game as a tool to help him maintain Frame, and achieve his proper role as a Dominant Supervisor, rather than a Submissive Paeon.
Using the Question Apology Game on an ongoing basis can shift the power structure of an interaction, as well as the conflict structure, to enable the man’s authority, leading to a more satisfying relationship for both the male and female.
Driving probing questions will make the woman more self-conscious, and cause her to lose confidence. You can expect a fight, but the benefits to your self-esteem and marriage are well worth the trouble.
Women will object to male dominance all the way, but once they get used to it, they feel quite fulfilled, even if they will never swallow their pride enough to admit their contentedness with the arrangement.
- Σ Frame: Don’t Admit Her Argument (March 19, 2018)