This post describes the author’s experiences, which suggest that the expression of women’s hypergamic tendency is spontaneously immediate and sexually motivated, as opposed to being intrinsic or idealistic.
Targeted Readership: Men interested in relationships with women.
The following story happened in the 1990’s, when I was in college. I was unaware of the convergence of Churchianity, which had already gained full momentum by that time. (I would guess that the convergence of the church took place in the late 1970’s, a time when Christianity was popular in culture, but I was too young to say for sure – that would be something for others to discuss in the comments.)
I was definitely Blue Pill back then. But that really didn’t mean much, because everybody was Blue Pill back then, and in terms of awareness, I was not much different from any other guy. Back then, any guy that had any kind of Game, was totally unaware of it, such that ‘creating attraction’ was still a hit-or-miss, shot-in-the-dark, type of thing.
The Aloof Game was the only type of Game that guys were aware of, and even that was only vaguely understood, as in, ‘don’t stare at her for too long’, and ‘don’t call her every day’. Very few guys could pull that off very well, and I was not one of them.
According to the popular consensus of the time, it seemed that only when a guy truly had no interest in a woman, could he pull off the Aloof Game with success, but in that case, it didn’t really matter anyway.
Guys often talked about the frustration of the attraction phenomena, among many other things related to the feminine mystique – both complicated subjects which were only exposed about a decade later, and which are now commonly discussed on the Manosphere.
I dated hundreds of women during my time in college and graduate school. My rough guesstimate is that I had between 200-250 dates over 5 years (about 1 per week).
I had lots of opportunities for sexual involvement, but I turned them down. By ‘opportunities’, I mean that a small number of these women quite eagerly displayed their bare breasts, and/or spread their thatch in front of me.
Their explicit advances really shocked me, because, according to my Blue Pill education, women were more interested in security and commitment, i.e. marriage, and not so much into wild profligate sex for the sake of sex, as men are. Thus, I naturally concluded that any woman who presses for sex on the first or second date is a morally corrupt woman – not one worthy of my time and attention in my search for a wife.
So then what could I do? I had to feign modesty, offer them coffee, and make polite conversation until the date was over.
‘Embarassing’ is a grotesque understatement.
I have to say that resisting those temptations so many times left me somewhat twisted, bitter, and remorseful. I know what it means to be ‘tempted sore’, and tested to the mettle.
Looking back, I realize that I probably could have slept with most of them – not just those that stripped nude uninvited, but also most of the others as well, if I had pushed it. But I didn’t, and I didn’t want to either.
It’s not like I was gay, or anything like that. Actually, I did want to, but I was serious about my Christian faith, and so I considered sex to be a temptation, and not a priority goal. I had some pretty strong convictions that sex outside of marriage was just plain wrong. I expected sex would happen inevitably, but only with the right person, and then only after marriage.
I had high standards, and clear expectations. I was looking for a hot, emotionally mature, and (the kicker) a loving woman, whom I could marry. The right person (for me) would be a woman who was serious about her Christian faith, who truly loved me and respected me as a unique individual, a woman who had oneitis for me. After marriage, of course I would let her have the sex smorgasbord. But not until then!
Now, after taking the Red Pill, I know this expectation follows a typical western guy’s thinking – that a woman should be a source of selfless love – which is a trope of the forlorn beta.
If I was an Incel, it would have been pathetic indeed. But I was a VOLcel (or Hicel)! (Some of you might think that is even more pathetic!)
It didn’t take any girl very long to figure out my game. About half of them picked it up less than halfway through the first date, and not one of them lasted longer than three dates.
Was I being arrogant? Pharisaical? I’m sure it seemed that way to them.
But they never spoke of their feelings. So I didn’t know what was happening on their end for the longest time.
Occasionally, I would continue trying to contact the girls that I thought were a little better than most, hoping to discover the reason why they got cold feet. I wanted to tell them what I expected, but I never got the chance. The typical response they gave me was what we would now call a determined ‘ghosting’. They never wanted to see me or talk to me again, and they would go to great lengths to avoid me.
I now know, and as you could expect, all those women I dated hated me because I had this expectation of them to take the relationship seriously, and to postpone sexual relations until marriage. They were frustrated because they couldn’t get their socks off with me, and they probably felt very ashamed of themselves as well.
Most of them had a very high rebound rate, sometimes with one of my guy friends. Only one of my guy friends was respectable enough to talk to me about it first. (I told him to go ahead, but I also told him what went on with me.)
But this wasn’t the classic hypergamy in action (trading up). I believe this because of several reasons.
- They could not see past the offensive feelings generated by their notion that their sexual advances were ‘rejected’ by me.
- The women were ‘too horny’, and frustrated by my apparent rejection.
- (It’s my impression that) my guy friends were below me on the SMV scale.
- I believed that they didn’t really understand – or care, what constituted real value and virtue in a potential partner.
I often wondered if that was a passive aggressive form of revenge on her part. But I didn’t really care. I just crossed those women off my list of possible partners, crossed those guy friends off my list of closest buddies, and went on to the next one. I expected better from a woman that I would consider worthy of marrying.
Seeing this happen again and again, further confirmed the fact, in my mind, that what we now call ‘sexual affirmation’ (or Tingles) was more important to those women than love or obeying God.
The Goal of Contentment
Looking back, I could have gained a lot of immediate, sexual contentment if I didn’t stick to my principles. But I wanted a deeper, more lasting, dependable kind of contentment. I wanted the contentment that only a warm family and children could bring. That was my goal, and I was determined not to mess around and F it up.
At that time, I intuitively knew about the Four Stages of Marriage. A brief description of each stage is listed here.
- The Ecstatic Fantasy Stage, where one is swept away in the hope of love.
- The Counter-Dependent Stage, where one is annoyed with the other person, and learns to claim one’s own identity.
- The Commitment Stage, where one learns to communicate, compromise, and cooperate with the mutual joining and healing process.
- The Blessed Stage, where one finds personal autonomy, emotional independence, spiritual liberty, security, comfort, contentment, honor, and the original ecstasy of Stage 1.
Stage 4 contains the primary blessings obtainable within marriage, which are fundamentally spiritual – liberty, contentedness, and wholeness in particular.
I think a lot of people don’t really understand this Four Stage process until after they’ve screwed it up.
In particular, I believe many people can’t handle true contentedness. They have the notion that the ‘wanting’ is better than the ‘having’. I have met too many women who were ‘in love with being in love’, and they thought that was truly love. But actually, that’s not real love. They’re essentially ‘in love’ with the Tingles of infatuation, lust, envy, and covetousness. But since they are determined to make the Tingles last forever, it never grows beyond the lust, so they never understood what true love is all about, and thus, they are unworthy of entering into a sanctified marriage.
Couples who don’t understand the purpose of obtaining contentment in marriage often look at all the other couples who DO have this, and come to decide that they’re fake or unrealistic. They just don’t (or can’t) believe that contentedness is a practical and acceptable outcome. But in my view, their disbelief is disingenuous. I mean, how the F is anyone going to honor the central marital vow of monogamy if they can’t find contentment in the relationship?
Moreover, if a person’s head and heart aren’t right, they always fail to identify opportunities for blessing, and they foolishly destroy whatever they have that’s good. I have even seen some couples get to the point where they start experiencing the blessings of marriage, and then they realize that that is the peak, or the ‘goal’, and that that is as good as it gets, or that that is all that God promises in marriage. Then they’re disappointed because they were expecting something different, so then they angrily tear the relationship apart trying to find the thing that they were after.
Even after they destroy the relationship, they never realize that the thing they were after was a lie – a soul promise from Satan, which was designed to destroy all their contentment within marriage, and thereby destroy their marriage. It’s really sad…
Anyway, I was determined to choose a woman who had the same mindset as I did, namely a woman who was determined to get to the contentment of the Fourth Stage, and who wasn’t actively screwing up her chances of making that happen.
I knew I was right about the eternal value of the Fourth Stage, and I had a fairly good idea about how the Second and Third Stage worked as well. But after having lived through these experiences, and then later taking the Red Pill, I see that I was extremely naïve about how a relationship initially forms and progresses through the First Stage.
Things I Learned About Myself
I had a two-year-long running talk with my Pastor about my conglomerate experience in searching for a wife. Overall, he was very angry with me, which only increased my confusion and frustration over the matter, mainly because my conscience was clear, and I didn’t see that I had done anything wrong. Over time, he pointed out the following problems I had, and the ‘mistakes’ I was making.
- I had a root of bitterness stemming from my own parent’s divorce, which happened when I was 22, just 3-4 years earlier. This experience had poisoned my mind about how a relationship should develop naturally.
- I made a resolution to keep my virginity until marriage, and to not make the same mistakes as my parents – namely, winding up divorced and broken. (Although at that time, I did not fully understand exactly what mistakes my parents had made that made their divorce inevitable. Parents are ruthlessly stubborn in refusing to discuss their problems and mistakes with their children.) Looking back, I now know this was a mistake of overreaction and spiritual rebellion. The reasons for this are explained in a previous post, The Trouble with Resolutions, Inner Vows and Commitments (January 14, 2010)
- He told me that, by refusing to engage in sexual relations, I was clinging to the ‘Law’, and refusing to appropriate God’s grace over the matter. (This point blew my mind for years afterward!)
- I was provoking those women’s sexual desires, ‘setting them off’ (as in, like detonating a bomb), as he put it. When he told me this, the Blue Pilled me was like, ‘WTF?’ because I only got as far as kissing four of those women, and I never even touched 95% of them! But now, after taking the Red Pill, I know that women’s desire is mostly a psychological based fantasy. So under that consideration, I probably ‘set off’ a lot more women than I ever dated, and I’m still not sure whether I should feel guilty about that or not. I mean, it seems obvious to me now, but since I was a virgin at that time, and had zero practical experience with female sexuality, how would I have known any better?
- I had a problem with anger because none of the women I dated showed any degree of moral agency, nor were they mature enough to respond in the way I expected them to. I reasoned, quite justifiably, that if they weren’t mature enough to control their sexual urges and treat a man (like me) with respect, then they weren’t mature enough for marriage either. I still believe this is true, but highly impractical for navigating my life experiences described earlier.
My pastor concluded that I needed to be married first, before I could experience the passion necessary to ‘drive me to faith’, as he put it.
Later in life, I realized that when he said ‘married’, that is pastor-talk for ‘have sex’. But it would have been unethical for him to explicitly advise sex outside of marriage. Looking back, I think some of my confusion could have been averted if he had been more explicit in saying what he really meant.
But at the time, I didn’t ‘get it’. I felt like he was pressuring me to have sex, but wasn’t being forthright about saying so. I was confused as h*ll, and I had a lot of questions with no answers.
- (Other than the fact that ‘I want to’), why should I have sex outside of marriage when I know it’s risky and wrong?
- Why do I need a passionate marriage (sexual relationship) to have faith?
- Why does it seem like I am the only Christian who even cares about sexual purity?
- Why do I keep getting rejected by ‘Christian’ women for this reason?
- How I was ever going to find a worthy wife from among all these emotionally immature and sexually profligate women?
I did not understand any of his points until after I became sexually active, years later. Apparently, I was taking everything way too seriously.
After a few more years of frustration and rejection, I finally decided that I’ve got to humble myself and play this game, if I ever expected to (1) find sexual expression, (2) get answers to the questions of my heart, and (3) have a wife and family. So I dated several women simultaneously, and I also had sexual relations with them as well. I was ‘spinning plates’ as it is now called in the Manosphere.
This change of heart was actually a very difficult transition for me to make. I felt very guilty and afraid of various consequences for having illicit sex. I knew I was giving in to temptation, and I wasn’t living by my own moral standards. But on the other hand, I just couldn’t handle any more rejection or celibacy. I also felt regretful about my long period of abstinence, like I had already missed too many opportunities, and this ‘empathy for sin’ made me question my standing with God. I reassured myself by thinking that I deserved a little indulgence of grace, after what I had suffered through for the last 18 years. (To this day, I am still not sure whether that was true, or whether it was simply a rationalization to justify my breakdown.)
But I was honest with them. I told them I was seeing other women, and I told them I was marriage minded, and I truly was. I told them I would choose one woman at some point in the future and get married to her. They didn’t like the fact that I was seeing other women, but they played along.
Some of them accused me of ‘cheating’ and fornication. In response, I spoke women’s native language by employing a rationalization hamster. I said,
“Having premarital sex with only one woman is fornication, and having premarital sex with many women is also fornication. You are also fornicating with me, so what is your complaint? If you want to fornicate, then you need to accept the fact that fornication is a sin, and sin has these kinds of problems.”
Of course, they didn’t want to stop fornicating, and they certainly didn’t want to cede me to their competition, so they accepted the situation. The ‘better ones’ (i.e. more mature) never mentioned it, much less argued with me about it.
To my utter astonishment, I also attracted a few marriage minded women who wanted to abstain from sex until marriage. Remembering my own experiences with that, I respected their intentions and didn’t try to advance on them. But I thought, ‘Where were you ten years ago when I was suffering like h*ll? Where were you even one year ago, when I was still a virgin waiting for a wife?’ This sudden change precipitated a lot of anger in my relationship with God, which took me a while to recover from. Also, I wasn’t so interested in them, since I had other women offering sex on demand.
It’s amazing how things change as you age and get more experience. Once I started having sex, the quality and quantity of women that made themselves available to me totally changed for the better.
After about 15 months of this, I had several decent women to choose from, and no less than five that I considered worthy of my consideration for a marriage proposal. True to my original intentions, I chose one and got married. That is a story for another post.
The older, Red Pilled me knows that once you have sex with a woman, her level of investment will change, but only for a select few. Most of them will still exhibit flakiness and branch swinging.
I learned a few other important lessons about women in general, and these are covered in another post, Things I Learned About Women In College (April 4, 2018).
- The Rational Male: Losing My Religion (August 30, 2016)
- Wintery Knight: Stop Telling Women That God Will Give Them A Husband Later If They Delay Marriage Now (January 30, 2017)
- Wintery Knight: What Do Pastors Teach Christian Women About Relationships And Marriage? (April 4, 2018)