¡Popcorn Science and the News!

Abstract: A seriously humorous monologue on watching the news and eating popcorn.

Readership: All

[Eds. note: You might enjoy eating popcorn while reading this post.]

eating popcorn

Real news covers something that affects my life, or my future. But these days, the news does neither. It’s obviously just a propaganda outlet for the powers-that-be. So for me, the news is basically mind numbing entertainment, and not much more.

That said, whenever I am watching the news, it’s good to have a cold drink and some snacks. I never ate popcorn until I realized that a bag of popcorn costs 30 cents, and a bag of Doritos costs 3 bucks! I can eat ten bags of popcorn for the same price as one bag of Doritos! Popcorn also has a lot less calories!

Move over Doritos! Please pass the popcorn!!!

Costco Popcorn

On the back of the package, Costco’s popcorn lists the nutrition information for both the unpopped and popped states. The text at the top says that 2 Tbsp. unpopped corn makes 5.5 cups of popped corn. Using this figure, I calculated the values for popped corn, and listed them in the column to the right of the image.

Based on the information given, popping causes the popcorn to lose saturated fat, carbohydrates, fiber, and iron, and gain calories, total fat, and sodium. I assume saturated fat is converted into another type of fat, adding to the total fat. I can understand how heating would decrease the fiber, and adding salt and oil during cooking might account for the increase in calories and sodium, but I can’t figure out how popping would cause it to lose carbs and iron.

This popcorn also contains palm oil (similar to McDonald’s fries), which is purportedly very bad for both one’s health and the environment. This is something that would affect my life, but you know we’ll never see in the news. Could Costco, as well as McDonald’s, be involved in the conspiracy to reduce the world population? Shame on you, Costco!

This reminds me of that video of cell phones being used to pop popcorn. I wonder if the news has the same effect on my mind as mobile phones do on popcorn (and maybe my brain too)? Anyway, I’ll never see that on the news either!

[Editors note (September 15, 2018): I once had a link to the original video here, but it has been scrubbed off the internet since the original posting. Now a search only pulls up a lot of stupid videos attempting to debunk the original. One of my previous students was an engineer at a telecommunications industry, and he told me in all seriousness that cell phone radiation is a real health hazard. Another conspiracy?]

So the conclusion for all of us health-conscious individuals, is that it is apparently healthier to eat unpopped popcorn.

Considering health and the practical mechanics, instead of a cell phone, I strongly suggest using a hammer on each kernel before ingestion, in order to save dental wear and tear and prevent brain damage.

Or… just pop it like a pill!

This is what watching the news does to a person.

Now that I think of it, from a psychological stance, using a hammer on my flatscreen (for each news reporters face) would save mental wear and tear.

No, I paid money for this set! I’ll just turn it off, and write this blog post.

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About Jack

Jack is a world traveling artist, skilled in trading ideas and information, none of which are considered too holy, too nerdy, nor too profane to hijack and twist into useful fashion. Sigma Frame Mindsets and methods for building and maintaining a masculine Frame
This entry was posted in Conspiracy Theories, News Critique, Satire and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to ¡Popcorn Science and the News!

  1. Pingback: White Brats Matter | Σ Frame

  2. Pingback: The elephant in the room is the canary in the coalmine | Σ Frame

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