Don’t let your life run on auto-pilot.
Readership: Younger, single men;
The Nature of Self-Deception
The thing that really fascinates me about people is THEIR ABILITY TO HAVE NO IDEA WHAT’S GOING ON, even though it’s going on IN PLAIN SIGHT ALL AROUND THEM, and it’s even MORE amazing to see how people have this tendency to ARGUE VIOLENTLY whenever one of these OBVIOUS THINGS is PRESENTED TO THEM.
Let’s talk about what we can actually LEARN from this kind of phenomenon.
This mechanism is, of course, a survival mechanism that helps us weed out all of the useless information that’s coming in through our senses at any given time. But there is also the issue of emotional self-preservation. In other words, people cling to things that are FAMILIAR, even BAD THINGS that are familiar, simply because TOO MUCH CHANGE at one time can be OVERWHELMING. There is only so much change that one person can take before they become confused and out of control. But the problem is that this basic need for stability and can go overboard and prevent people from seeing TRUE and USEFUL information as well.
There are some fascinating books available about the concept of “self-deception”, and most of them deal with the psychology or the socio-pathology of the habit. We humans have an amazing capacity for not seeing what’s there (a sort of “blindness” if you will), to the point where it can be very detrimental.
People often ARGUE about things that are OBVIOUS to everyone else, and they never seem to realize who is “wrong”. What can you say to such a person? Can we simply dismiss them as being OBSTINATE?
It is fair to say that we humans don’t like to change our beliefs about things. We don’t like to admit that we might be wrong in the first place, and we feel unstable or insecure when we realize that a fundamental truth we have held all our life is incorrect, especially when it is an idea that is self-serving.
A lot of our cultural and social programming is way off-base, which causes us to see things differently from what they are, and to interpret things incorrectly when we do see them.
- Men have NO IDEA how to be successful with women.
- Moms teach their sons the “proper” way to act, which actually destroys their efficacy as a man.
- Women who get REALLY upset when you start talking about what actually WORKS with women.
Lump all of this together, and you have a big mess.
Tip from my Dad: “Don’t tell women what’s going on with you. They’ll only drag you down. You’ll get more respect and peace of mind if you leave them guessing.”
So, why are we bringing up the idea of Self-Deception? What’s all this information good for?
Well, to start off, I think that it’s important in life to continually question YOUR OWN beliefs about how things work and what is possible. I think it’s also good to constantly question your LIMITING beliefs.
Unfortunately, most people do the opposite. They question their ability to succeed and they doubt their own ability to get what they want. Most people constantly “self-sabotage” themselves.
If instead, you question your LIMITATIONS and your LIMITING BELIEFS, and you constantly look with your own eyes to see if there’s something going on that nobody mentioned to you, then you’ll begin to see things that will blow your mind.
For example, it took me a few years to realize that some women are attracted to me, while others aren’t, and that there isn’t anything I can do to change that. PUA’s describe this by saying that ATTRACTION ISN’T A CHOICE. As soon as I read that, I knew immediately what they were talking about. Their point was that it wasn’t the woman’s choice, but I knew it wasn’t the man’s choice either.
But when you read the phrase “Attraction Isn’t a Choice”, you get the point. You can’t just choose one woman out of the crowd and build a fantastic relationship with her. It obviates the organic process of developing an authentic relationship with someone who fits your unique set of needs. But when you realize that it is useless to try creating feelings of attraction in a woman when they just aren’t there, then the best thing you can do for yourself is just move on.
Now, I didn’t figure this out by having someone TELL it to me. Even if someone had told me, I don’t think I could have taken in this knowledge. This was something I figured out by watching the women I was hitting on, and looking for any indicators of interest. If she showed indicators of interest, then I might get to know her better, and what she liked about me. But if not, then there wasn’t anything I could tell her about myself to spark that attraction. This is hard to read, and my mind was always telling me that there might be some facet of my personality that she could connect with. The heavy reliance on probability and the unknowableness of chance is the reason why it took a few years for me to figure this out.
But when I started to question and/or throw away everything I had read about and had been taught from other people (especially my mother and grandmothers), then I was able to conduct an unbiased scientific method analysis on what I was experiencing. I started to build my own understanding of what was happening, and learned to follow my own intuition, which was showing me that those women who felt a spark with me could offer a much better relationship than one who didn’t. I didn’t get the idea that there was a SOLUTION to this puzzle called “women and dating”, but I was able to find a niche where I could exercise a greater degree of efficacy.
Analyze Your Beliefs
So, here’s a “homework” exercise that is guaranteed to open up some new possibilities, and maybe even lead to a profound realization that will lead to success.
- Do some brainstorming, and write down all of the things that you desire in life, or in a relationship, and what you are doing to make those things happen.
- Get a firm grasp on your concept of what you think SHOULD work when it comes to finding those women who feel attracted to you. This might include things like giving constant compliments, acting “nice”, buying her gifts, and paying for her food.
- Don’t be afraid to question the notions that you blindly accept as “common sense” and “what your mother taught you” about women.
- Write down your own personal experience of what ACTUALLY HAPPENS when you do these “socially correct things that mom taught you” with women. After you finish this list and read over it, you should get a wake up
- Pretend for a moment that everything you’ve been taught about women is wrong or screwed up.
- Imagine that a woman should be feeling something for you that you don’t need to create.
- Now, what can you do to find and identify those kinds of women?
One PUA I follow said that a man should pretend that women are actually wired in REVERSE, and he used this line of reasoning to mine out what kinds of things would result in a woman feeling ATTRACTION for a man?
I’m not sure I agree that a man is able to make any woman of his choice feel attraction towards him, but I do believe there are ways to enhance the attraction that is already present in certain women.
That said, I think he’s on to something here. Don’t continue doing what you know won’t work. Instead, shake things up and try something new now and then. What hasn’t worked in the past is not going to suddenly start working, unless you encounter a game-changing new development, like discovering some kind of new intuition that you were previously unaware of. Once you find out what keeps the ball rolling for you, you’ll discover some real crazy women in a hurry. Don’t let them knock you off, but instead, maintain a strong frame of mind and just go at your own pace.
Learn to Think for Yourself
I’ve always carried a mental habit that I learned from my father as an adolescent.
- Don’t believe anything anyone says, just because they are a professional, or an expert, or your mother, or whatever.
- Always second guess anything that anyone tells you, and look for faults and inconsistencies.
- Do your own independent research to find some alternative viewpoints.
- Do your own homework to determine which viewpoint best fits your own set of values and goals in life.
- Decide for yourself what is right, or what to believe.
- Tailor that viewpoint to fit you as a person, and what you already believe.
This is a very important process of being an independent thinker, becoming your own man, and making up your own mind about things.
I was intrigued to find PUA’s describing something similar to this process, and are calling it the Inner Game. They claim that most guys spend almost NO time working on their Inner Game, and I would have to agree. Instead, they focus on learning things like “pick up lines” and other USELESS stuff.
If you don’t have your Inner Game together, and if you don’t choose your women wisely – those who actually want to be with you – then you’ll never be effective with tactical “techniques and tricks”. Every new line or technique is just a variation on an old stratagem that never worked.
There’s no way to avoid getting rejected by those women who don’t get any vibes for you. It helps to accept this up front as a fact of life. From what I’ve found, the only way to figure out who likes you and fits you, is to play the numbers game and meet new people every day. At the very least, set your mind on being an inspiration to all the people who would have otherwise had no one interesting to talk to that day.
It’s really important to get that field experience meeting women, or else, you won’t know what you’re dealing with, whenever you meet a new person. It’s also an activity that can help you improve your confidence for approaching women, starting conversations, getting dates, fine tuning your techniques, going online, and learning how to feel comfortable in your own skin.
If you’re like me, and you’ve had a lot of contradictory programming earlier in life, then you MUST get your Inner Game under control. It’s not going to handle itself. YOU have to do it through a daily mental exercise to willingly put yourself into risky situations likely to lead to rejection, and learn to shine and roll in spite of it.
Tip from Dad: You won’t be better off if you get in a hurry to start up a relationship, put your heart on one woman, or go steady. It will only distract you and make you confused about what works for you.
Instead, figure out your Inner Game first. Once you’ve got that down, then all those other things will run like clockwork.
Another Tip from Dad: When you’re on the ball, figure out why you’re on the ball, so that you can stay on the ball.
- Σ Frame: Exposing the Truth to Others (2018 January 1)